How do I solve this problem with my husband and daughter?

Dear Agatha,

I’m in my early 50s and have been married for close to 18 years without a child. About 10 years ago, I noticed certain changes in my husband’s behavior. From his staunch support of me, he became lukewarm and started making statements I couldn’t understand.

Since I have been unable to give him a child, I naturally thought his bitterness had to do with that, hence I didn’t say anything to further aggravate the situation in my home.

About two weeks ago, he called me for a heart to heart discussion in one of the restaurants he and I usesoccasionally when we didn’t feel like eating at home. I thought it was to confirm my worst fear of him having a child outside our home. 

When I got there, he was in the company of a younger lady who from her appearance is very successful. The lady also brought with her three children, all very cute.

My heart sunk at the sight of this lady and her children. It meant only one thing; this was his other wife and children. I almost didn’t want to confront him and his family but he sighted me and beckoned me to come.

Against my will, I sat down and completely ignored the other lady and her children. I didn’t even bother to be nice to the baby who at sighting me wanted me to carry her and play with her.

My husband and the woman noticed my hostility but kept quiet.

After introducing me to the woman as his wife, he asked, if I can recognise the young lady before me. I asked him; if I should. He didn’t respond but shook his head in what appears to be annoyance.

 The lady too became so hostile and gathered her children to her bosom. After an uncomfortable spell of silence in which we ordered and eat our meals, he again instructed I take a good look at the lady before answering the question of whether I know the lady or not. 

At that point, I became furious and told both of them to go to hell. I stormed out on both of them. He didn’t bother to stop me and didn’t make any reference to that scene when he got home even though I was ready to fight him.

The following day was a Saturday. As early as 7 in the morning, members of my family, his’ and the lady and her children all assembled in my house. Not even the presence of my family stopped me from ordering the lady out of my house but my aunty, who after the death of my mother, now represents my mother, overruled me.

To cut the long story short; the woman turned out to be the daughter I had when I was in secondary school. I was in form 3 when I became pregnant with her. The head-boy who was responsible for the pregnancy didn’t deny the baby; his mother took over the child from me and despite attempts by both families to make me yield to seeing the child, I never did.

Instead I ran away from home; they didn’t know my whereabouts until a decade later when I came back home. Fortunately for me, I made something out of my life and by the time I came back, my mother out of depression at my behavior had died.

Since I didn’t bother to bring up the issue of the child, no member of my family did. In my heart she was dead which is why I never discussed her with my husband or the fact that I had a child before.

Now she was in my sitting room with my grandchildren-what an irony.

My aunty was the one who called my husband a decade ago to tell him of the child. Unknown to me, he traced her and made contacts with her and was even there on her wedding day. 

Since her father had died, he stepped into her life as her father.

Her children actually call him grandpa. Everybody in his family and mine are in the know. 

I haven’t been myself since that meeting. My daughter has refused to talk to me. My husband too is keeping his distance.

Agatha, please help me. I don’t know how to begin the process of thanking my husband for his love or making up with my daughter and grandchildren. 

Folakemi

Dear Folakemi,

You are confused on how to go about the process of thanking your husband because you married one of the best men in the world.

Had he behaved like the typical average male, you would have known how to beg and plead for pardon from a man you lied to about your past.

If he had gathered your family to ask them to take you away from his home, it wouldn’t have been so confusing for you to go on your knees to beg him for forgiveness.

You are confused because he has gone ahead of you to make peace with your daughter and buy you back happiness?

What you enjoy is a very special grace from God; a very rare kind you must not continue to take for granted if your past mistake is to be buried permanently.

The fact that your husband isn’t complaining about your conduct or isn’t angry over your concealment of this vital information doesn’t mean you shouldn’t explain your past to him.

He deserves your truth and explanations. It is a simple matter of waking him up at the dead of the night and telling him everything he needs to know about your past. What transpired between you and the father of your child, how you felt and what you did in the 10 years that nobody in your family could account for you.

Let him know precisely why you never wanted to have anything to do with the child as well as why you didn’t tell him.

Although you may not realize it yet, but guilt may have made you more determined to erase the past especially as you have been unable to have another children.

Give him the benefit to know how much you appreciate him and how you would understand if after what happened he elects to marry another woman. He has to understand that you are also willingly to make the kind of unusual sacrifice he made to reconcile you with your daughter and grandchildren.

In making this offer, make sure it comes from your mind. Bear in mind the kind of rare thing this man did for you. Frankly, you may not realize how much sacrifice your man has made for you but would when you begin to enjoy the company of your grandchildren and daughter.

It takes a different kind of love to make a man do what your husband did for you. The truth is, he has since forgiven you but is just waiting for you to explain so many things about your past to him. The fact that he didn’t ask for annulment of the marriage, didn’t come back home to fight and make life difficult for you or bring home another woman makes it absolutely important you answer all the questions agitating his mind. This is because you cannot ask for forgiveness without first clearing the webs of the past.

Afterwards, go on your knees and ask for forgiveness. Although it has taken him 10 years to build up his forgiveness, hearing you ask for it will wipe clean whatever doubts remains in his system.

As for your daughter, it is easy to get her to speak with you once you make peace with your husband. Having built a relationship with her, established his love for her as well as earn her trust and respect, getting her to come over to your place won’t be any problem to your husband.

But, you have to beg your daughter on your own. You hurt that woman who is today your only child. You have to really plead with her to forgive what you did to her when she was a baby and all the years you denied her existence even to yourself.

Humble yourself before her because if the truth be told, you are the one who needs her now; not her because if she has lived the critical stages of her life without you, she might as well pretend you are dead. Unlike her, you need her and your grandchildren to give light to your life, make you feel complete and happy as a woman.

The fact that your husband has in a way adopted her as his own makes it imperative for you to reach out and hold on to her. Though your biological child, she has become more of your husband’s than yours. When issues of life becomes this complicated and extremely complex, it becomes useless trying to explain one’s reasons for an action taken. You don’t have any excuse but to really beg your daughter to forgive you.

Agreeing to meet with you at that restaurant and coming to your house afterwards means she isn’t bitter anymore. Disappointed at you maybe, but the role your husband has assumed in her life has made it possible for her to understand your person.

She is only waiting for you to accept and love her as her mother.

Apologizing to her would make it possible for you to assume that role.

Good luck.