How do I tell my wife about my son

With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com

Tel: 08054500626

Dear Agatha,

There is this problem I didn’t envisage but which may terminate my marriage because of the precarious position my wife is in. I have been married for close to 13 years without a child. The problem appears to challenge modern medicine. 

Although my wife is getting despondent and extremely paranoid that I may source for a child from another woman; I have kept assuring her of my commitment to the marriage.

I have told anybody that cares to listen in my family and among my friends that I married the best woman for me. I mean every word of it because she gives me peace.

However, two weeks ago, an old girlfriend of mine I dated concurrently with my wife when she was still my girlfriend walked into my office with a young man I cannot deny is mine. He takes after my father in looks and even mannerism.

I didn’t know she was even pregnant let alone knowing that I have a child outside my home. She said, she didn’t tell me because I was already married by the time she found out. She said she decided to keep the pregnancy and baby as consolation for her loss and that she wouldn’t have brought the child if not for his insistence he wanted to know his father because of the unkind words by his classmates.

In fairness to her, she didn’t come with the intent of dropping the child with me but to satisfy the curiosity of the boy. I was still in the process of getting to know my son when my elder brother walked into my office and the matter was taken out of my hands.

The uncanny semblance of the boy to our father gave me away. He didn’t give me the chance to think before making a call to our parents, accompanying it with the pictures of the boy despite protests from his mother that she didn’t come to make trouble for anybody or to leave without her child.

To cut the long story short, the whole family converged almost immediately on my office to see my son and persuade his mother to leave him.

The mother was curt in her refusal. She said, he was all she has; that she cannot live without him. my family too stood their ground that they cannot abandon their child now that they know of his existence.

Despite my feelings for my wife, I wanted the child too. Agatha, it is a very good feeling to hold my child in my arms and to be called a dad by my own flesh and blood.

What do I do? Do I join the family in negotiating with the mother to release my son to me or sit on the fence and allow my family do the job of convincing her to release my son to us? How do I handle the issue of my wife who will definitely think I had always known about the existence of this child and only seeking a way of bringing him home because she hasn’t been able to give me a child?

I will never be able to live my life as before knowing I have a son somewhere. Even as I write this letter, I crave to him by my side but I’m cautious so as not to hurt my wife.

Jide 

Dear Jide,

She will be extremely hurt if she gets the information from a third party, especially if the person telling her the story is given to exaggeration. You may not be able to control her reactions or her decisions in such a situation.

This is because nothing you tell her then would make sense to her as she would have come up with conclusions of her own regarding your decision to keep the existence of a son as well as his presence from her.

No matter how unpalatable or discomforting you may find this whole experience, tell your wife about it. She has the right to know because if you eventually talk the mother into releasing her child, she would be the one to care for the child. In addition, if you don’t do it now, chances are your family members may decide to tell her by themselves and that will not be good for the health of your relationship with your wife.

You need her trust and support to get over this. If she finds out from another source, she will not only feel betrayed but unable to ever trust you again.

In addition, it would make it almost impossible for you to bring the child home because of the strained relationship between the two of you.

In a marriage, no matter how unpleasant a situation is, it is always best for the couple to be as transparent as possible to each other. Also if the shoes were on her feet, how would you feel if you get to find out something as serious and sensitive as this about her from a third party? No matter what she does afterwards, you may never be able to trust her completely again. This is the more reason for you to tell her as soon as possible.

Frankly, you erred by not addressing it immediately on the very day you found out. Had you told her as soon as you got home, telling her would not appear this difficult. The more days that go by, the more complex it would be; so do what you have to do now.

Given her situation, she will not be pleased at the idea of another woman being able to give you a child; honestly, no woman, no matter how nice will ever welcome the knowledge of another woman having a child for her husband but she still has to know.

A lot would depend on how you handle the situation. One thing you must never do is make promises to her concerning this child that you know deep down you won’t be able to sustain. Don’t feel guilty about a situation you never knew existed.  What you can give her now is assurance that you will not leave her or marry the mother of the child. Really, this would be her major fear. Explain to her what happened between the three of you back then and that if you had any intentions of ending up with the mother of your child as life partner, you wouldn’t have settled for her as your wife and life partner.

She needs your assurances that the presence of a child by this woman hasn’t changed the way you feel about her. It is also imperative she understands that temptation is best avoided if she allows the child come to stay with you by the time the mother releases him to lessen the number of times you and your ex get to see.

At this stage, it is important to be fair to everyone concerned. You have to make her understand despite your love and respect for her that you now owe that child some attention and responsibility which would be easier on both of you if she supports you by allowing you to bring the child home.

As a result of the suddenness of the situation as well as its permanent nature, give her time to come to terms with the knowledge of her having a stepchild as well as made up her mind on how to proceed.

While she chews on the piece of information; work something out with the mother of your child so as to be relevant in the development and welfare of your son. Although you didn’t plan for this, but now that you know you have a son, it behooves you to discharge all your duties to this child as well as create the vital time of both of you growing a sound father and son relationship. Don’t do the weak thing of abandoning your wife for your son or your son for your wife. You must be firm on how to manage the two of them because they both belong to you. This has nothing to do with your wife not having children. This is immaterial. Even if she has children, your duties to your son remain important.

As a husband and father, you must learn to be fair to both your wife and son.

If your relationship is built on trust, it will come out stronger and better from this experience.

Good luck.