I want my husband back

Share a problem With Auntie Agatha,  gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com Tel: 08054500626

Dear Agatha, 

Six years ago, I packed out of my matrimonial home when the situation between my husband and I was too difficult for me to handle.

We were always quarreling because everything about him irritated me. I didn’t know how to handle the situation at all. In retrospect, I realized my mother didn’t help matters as she supported me to do so much wrong to my husband.  She, with my friends encouraged me to insult and humiliate him in every way a woman humiliates a man. 

Although educated and well grounded, he didn’t bother to fight back. He allowed me and my mother to have our fill of everything. He never once complained about my behavior; not even when I denied him sex for over 18 months. 

I guess I took advantage of his good nature of not complaining. I also knew for a fact that he didn’t have any girlfriend because of his rigid principle just as I knew he loved me to a fault.

I grew up with a mother who has gone through three husbands. My father happened to be her first and the one she humiliated the most. Although what she told us about our father was that he was difficult and stingy; I later discovered that she left my father for her second husband because he had more money than my father.

She made her second husband to drive away his first wife who later died of heartbrokenness.  I actually thought her second husband was my father until she left him for her third husband. It was during one of their quarrels that I overheard the new husband telling her to return us to our original father.

I’m sure she is staying on because she is now old and lacking of male attention.

I really didn’t know she was the cause of my problem until after I left my husband and was dating other men. The man I would have loved to marry left me when he discovered I left my husband and that my mother was in her third marriage.

Deep down, I always thought my husband would never be able to remarry because of the kind of love he had for me. I thought if everything else failed, I would find my way back to his house. But how wrong I was!  He got married three months ago to a woman who from all indications, he loves dearly.  Sometimes, I see the two of them holding hands and strolling along the road whenever I come to the neighbourhood to see old friends.

Seeing them together makes me want him back. I discovered, I have never stopped loving him.  He has become like an obsession to me as I drive around the area every day to have a glimpse of him. In addition, it is so embarrassing for me. I’m still single while he is married.

Because of the way I left, things I did and said when I was leaving and afterwards, there is no one I can go to among his friends and family members to beg for me. I have suddenly realized I want him back as my husband.  

I divorced him legally on the prompting of my mother. Does it really matter, Agatha?

How do I go about it?

Lola.

Dear Lola,

You and your mother have done enough damage to this man; leave him to enjoy the company and companionship of his new wife.

You made your choice six years ago by walking out of your marriage to pursue other things dearer to you than your home and husband. So why are you now suddenly very interested in the man you admitted to treating badly? Had any of your relationships worked, would you have remembered him or developed sudden interest in his affairs?

There is a huge difference between want and love. You think you still love him because he has found himself a woman he cares for contrary to your presumptions that he loved you too much to even contemplate dating another woman not to talk of marrying her.

That certainly was arrogance at its height. Whatever gave you the impression that you were indispensable in his life must have informed your decision to make this man suffer needlessly for marrying you. You must have thought so highly of your importance in his life or feminine charms to think him incapable of feeling like a man again. Whatever powers or authority you relied on to have come to such conclusions about your ex-husband, obviously boomeranged on you. By now it should be clear to you that no man can be held down by any woman.

The fact that he didn’t respond to your behaviors didn’t mean he was incapable of doing anything or approaching another woman for sex. Yes, he must have loved you and cared about the vows he exchanged with you to make him appear so docile and accommodating of your excesses. You lost that right to his love and protection the moment you walked out on him and your marriage.  No matter how ugly a man is, he would always find a woman who will see him differently from the way others see him because true love makes even the most ugly person, beautiful and appealing.

What you find useless is precious to another woman. You are wrong to assume he is still your husband. You lost the right to refer to him as yours the moment you sued him for divorce. He is free to remarry and be happy with another woman; so stop hoarding him to avoid the added embarrassment of him having you arrested for any kind of crime he or his wife may come up with. If they accuse you of wanting to harm them, how do you propose to defend yourself?

This is the point you throw in the towel and accept the fate you chose for yourself.

Also stop blaming your mother for whatever choice you made. She didn’t ask you to starve your man of sex for 18 months. Even if she did, aren’t you old enough to know how to manage your home and life? Would you jump in front of a speeding train just to prove your obedience to your mother if she demands it of you?

If you were wise, you would have learnt from her examples and used it to tailor your life differently. You would have resisted every pressure from your mother to make your life as miserable as hers clearly is. The fact that you wittingly allowed your home to be destroyed; means you supported your mother’s way of life until you discovered your ex has remarried. That piece of news spurred you to making a dramatic U-turn but which from this sentence by you, “I have suddenly realized I want him back as my husband” isn’t premised on love. Only a transformation that comes from your heart and is based on a sincere need to change your ways can work. For you to earn a chance to be happy again, you must really make up your mind to change many things about you. There is no moving forward in life if everything about you is centered on yourself. You must divest your interest from this issue and view things from the perspective of others involved in this matter to get things right.

There is really nothing stopping you from making contact with your ex if the essence is to apologise for all the pains you caused and to wish him well in his new marriage but, to expect the other woman to vacate her home for you because you consider the man as part of your furniture you can pick up anytime you like, is preposterous. 

Your mother has her faults but, so do you. Accept this fact and a lot of things would fall into place as it would help point you at the reforms your life needs if you intend to remarry.

Don’t forget that your mother made her choice; you don’t have to follow her leading. Learn from everything that has happened to you since you left your husband. Your mother at least, is living with a man even if he is husband number three. She has a grace, you don’t have. This should tell you she cannot be you and you cannot be her. She maybe your mother but your lives are fashioned differently by God. Your destiny isn’t similar to hers. So stop listening to her on issues you don’t feel comfortable with. It doesn’t mean disrespect but exercising your God given right to chart your path in life.

Rather than waste your precious time pursuing the shadows of a time past, make your peace with your past, including with your father to make the process of moving on with your life lighter and brighter.

Good luck.