Her friends are wayward

Dear Agatha, We recently moved homes to a new neighborhood and I noticed my wife’s new friends are the kinds of women who enjoy having extra marital affairs. As a matter of fact, one of them has approached me for a relationship. She called me on my phone, pretended she needed my assistance with her car which according to her broke down in a place not too far from my office. She said I was the only one she could call as her husband’s and mechanic numbers were not going through. She said she got my number from my wife because she knew from their conversation that my office wasn’t too far from where her car broke down. I had to discontinue with the meeting I was holding with members of my staff to help her. Indeed the car broke down but I soon discovered that the battery terminal was bad so, I had to call my driver to help her get a new one through our official mechanic. She thanked me and I thought that was all. I was very surprised when she came to the office an hour later with my driver to thank me. I had no choice to offer her lunch since it was already lunchtime. From the way she was looking at me, making her eyes, being a streetwise man, I knew she was up to something but I purposely ignored all the come on signs she was passing on. The next time she came was to invite me to lunch. She said she was in the neighbourhood and decided to pay me a visit. To cut the long story short, she actually invited me out for the purpose of having sex with her. I declined not because I am a saint but that she is married and a friend to my wife. She didn’t find it funny but I stood my grounds and threatened to report her conduct to her husband if she ever tried it again. This is why I don’t want my wife getting close to them. I know what such women are capable of. I still trust my wife but if she continues to keep the company of these women, it may spell doom to my marriage one of the things I dread the most in life. I went through a very horrible childhood as a result of the divorce of my parents. I don’t want my children going through it. I’m sending you this email because I trust your judgment. How do I make my wife understand me on this? The few times, I tried, she was very angry and quarreled with me. She said I don’t ever want her to mix with other women and that I am being unreasonable. I love my wife but fear for the future of our marriage if she keeps ignoring me. How best do I handle this rather delicate matter without causing problem in my marriage? My wife can be very unpredictable. In addition the more she exposes me to these women, the higher she exposes me to temptations since not all of them are married. Don. Dear Don, First, I want to appreciate your honesty. Not every man would exercise such restrain in the face of such temptation. This is the peg you need to make your wife listen. It is a simple case of either keeping her man and home or those new friends of hers. There are no two ways about it in this kind of situation. There is no relationship without its season of quarrels and making up. These are some of the things that give a relationship its distinct character and flavours. God never promised us a life without ups and downs. Simply because your parents went through divorce doesn’t mean you are heading for one when you take a stand on an important matter such as this. Reality demands that both of you must disagree to agree. Cocooning your relationship from going through all the stages of life will only make it more fragile and unable to stand the test of time. Your wife isn’t a fool. There is no way she would prefer her new friends to her husband and home. Many a time the problem is usually in the presentation of an issues. From her responses to your attempts to introduce this subject, it is clear that you both have had issues before on whether she should keep friends or not. Ensure, you clear that backlog first if you want her to appreciate the actuality of the new threat to her marriage. Perhaps, you have never really made her to appreciate everything you went through as a child. This is perhaps the time to share deep family secrets you have never told her before. She must know how deep the sores you carried from your childhood into adulthood. Many a time, the things we run away from are the very things that hunt us in our later years. There is no way she can appreciate your fears if you don’t tell her. Don’t neglect the fact that she wasn’t there when all that happened to you. And if she isn’t from a broken home, had always enjoyed the comfort and support of her parents, it would be almost impossible for her to appreciate your fears. By helping her to understand you better; you open your marriage to greater understanding and possibilities. Nobody likes to be given unreasonable orders, which is precisely what you are doing by telling her to discontinue with a group of friends you must braide her with a reason. Unarguably, these friends are not the kind of women she should have as friends but, asking her not to be their friends without concrete evidences of why she shouldn’t be, will not serve any purpose at all. She is an adult, your wife, a mother and person who has graduated from taking orders from her parents to one who is also in that position of giving orders. To have you make decisions for her as if she is still in the kindergarten class, is wrong. Marriage is about two people reasoning together and finding common ground in the process of argument and disagreement. Once she understands the premise you are coming from; that it isn’t to deny her of her fundamental rights of free association, she will listen to you. You must also appreciate that the bad friends are the ones with all the interesting ingredients to make her relax and feel loved in their presence. Frankly, this does present a new bouquet of challenges to the spouse who sees ahead of the danger. Because they appear more exciting and fun to be with, she will naturally want to protest and in the process brand you a joy killer. If you don’t handle it with care and love, you risk making her defiant and blind to the inherent dangers ahead. It is only after you have convinced her of your true intentions; appreciate your person that you can now talk about her new friends. Even at that, don’t go directly into it. First, find out from her who her new friends really are beyond the picture they present her. Ask her if she knows what they are into; their views on monogamy and faithfulness to their spouses. Find out what she finds interesting about them and if she envies their kind of lifestyles. You have to know how far she is into them to know how best to break her free from their hold. To introduce the subject begin by agreeing with her on the things you find are true about her new friends; say this without bias before telling her about your encounter with the particular one that came to your office and what she did. Assure her you have nothing against her having friends but she must be mindful of the kind of friends she keeps and that she must appreciate her role as a mother and wife in whatever decision she takes. This way, you are pushing the decision to her to settle for what is important to her the most. And since it doesn’t appear to be an order, she will gladly do what you want with the most minimal complaints. Every issue in marriage requires wisdom to tackle. Good luck.