He is rude to my husband

Dear Agatha, My mother-in-law married four men and had children for all of them. Her last husband was a wealthy man hence the children from that marriage are better off in terms of financial empowerment than the rest of them. Because of this, she tilts towards these children more than she does others. My husband belongs to her first generation of children. His father too wasn’t poor but he is the kind of man who believes in finding his way through life. Besides, he is the only one from his mother to his father hence is very careful not to be involved in any of the paternal family politics. The fact that his father loved him the most among all his children made him more determined to keep his distance from the family when his father passed on. All of them are closer to the maternal family due to their mother’s influence. They all contribute to their mother’s upkeep but in recent times, business hasn’t been too good for my husband who is a government contractor. They are yet to be paid for contracts done so we are a little bit down on cash resulting in him not being able to meet some of his financial obligations to his mother. As a result his younger brother, the last of them all has become very rude to him; right in the presence of his mother, he would talk to my husband ruddy. Just last week, right in my presence, he told my husband who had gone to celebrate with their mother on her birthday to be mindful of how our children played around the living room since he just spent a fortune renovating the place. Their eldest brother who too is a struggling man tried to reprimand him but was also given the same ill-mannered treatment melted on my husband. I am getting fed up of the entire thing. I want to go and confront him; to demand he stops humiliating my husband who until recently was the one who gave the most money to their mother. As it is, I really don’t care anymore what the consequences would be as my husband keeps giving the excuse of not wanting to destroy the family as reason for putting up with his baby brother’s arrogance. It is painful that my husband doesn’t act the man I want him to in this kind of situation. He is too soft for my liking and his attitude is really irritating me. What should I do? Sumbo. Dear Sumbo, Much as I appreciate your hurt and embarrassment at this whole thing, please don’t instigate any quarrel between you and your brother-in-law. Don’t forget that what binds them is very strong. The mother’s blood is very strong hence they can come back together in the future and you would be the common enemy. This is because their relationship with each other predates your own with their brother. They grew up together, have knowledge of each other that you don’t have and know the limits they can go with each other. To jump into their relationship midway is to put yourself on the firing line. I am sure this isn’t the first time in their lives that they are would be having such disagreements; the fact that you met them still on speaking terms means they have evolved their own way of resolving such disagreements. Also, that he could talk to their eldest brother in the same manner he talks to your husband means this boy isn’t saying or doing anything he hasn’t done before. There are certain kinds of situation you don’t join issues with a person especially one who is young and on an ego trip. If he obviously lacks respect for his elder brothers, isn’t mindful of how he addresses them or who is in the audience, what assurances do you have that he is ready to extend any courtesy to you? As a woman, you will definitely not be able to stomach his behavior and your reactions would only complicate the tense situation in the family. Your husband who hasn’t bothered to pay attention to his brother’s acid tongue may not be able to stand it when the insult is on you. He would be forced to join issues with his brother to protect you. This would unquestionably lead to both of them exchanging words and taking some very fundamental decisions that might go beyond you to the children. So many problems a lot of us are fighting in our foundations came about from situations like this. Therefore, before you act, consider the implications on your children as well as the essence of what you want to achieve by going to him. How much of difference is your talking to a man who is an adult going to make on his behavior? If his mother is obviously not able to bridle his mouth, what can you the wife of the brother he loathes, do? If he is as bad as you say, the story would be you came to beg him for money and decided to insult him when he couldn’t give you enough. Such people don’t learn their lessons from within the family circle; they get to learn from people outside. Furthermore, you should be careful to avoid being blamed for anything that might happen to him after your proposed confrontation. There is always an unexpected turn at every corner in life. Should that unexpected turn happen seconds after the confrontation; there is no way you can escape being the prime suspect. Your husband’s way though may appear weak and embarrassing to you, is still the best approach in life. Learn to ignore anybody who is seeking relevance which is what your brother-in-law is doing. Anybody who likes using the disadvantage of another person to feel important, is best ignored. As a woman who has the interest of her husband at heart, what you should do is to really pray for your husband’s to regain his former glory back. Once he is able to recover his money with the government, things would be better for him. You should also begin to plan for tomorrow; how you can help him improve his financial viability so when the finacial draughts comes you can still feed well. Rather than waste precious time thinking of how to confront your brother-in-law, help your husband come up with a business that he can diversify into alongside his contractor job. Don’t forget that his kind of business is seasonal and depends mostly on who one knows. But having a business on the side would help him keep his prestige as a husband and man. The best way to keep people like your brother-in-law in check is to succeed. This should be your goal, not joining issues with a man who probably has never worked in his life on account of the money his father left him. Only a person, who has worked hard in life, appreciates the struggles of another man. There is no way he can ever appreciate the challenges his brother is going through if he hasn’t experienced his kind of challenge. As a matter of fact, if there is anybody you should be talking to, it is their mother who in her lifetime is unwittingly destroying her children by her inability to put her last son in check. The mere fact that she didn’t say or do anything, shows that she may be the silent voice behind her last son’s loud one. You can go to her without fear of any consequence whatsoever. She is their mother and has the responsibility of shaping her children’s future. Even though they are all grown ups, she still has a task of helping them to imbibe the right attitudes and morals. As gently as possible, let her know where she went wrong in the training of her children. If possible, point her at the future implications of her inability to plant and nurture love between her children. Let her know that it could be the end of her dynasty after she dies. To get her to listen and take action, make it clear that people are already talking and saying that she is tolerating the situation because she didn’t have them for the same man and that the younger son is getting away with his behavior because his father is the wealthier of her husbands. This little information is to give her a reason to think and act. Above all, never forget to pray for the family since nothing is impossible before God. Good luck.