Is this guy serious?

Dear Agatha, I am in my early 30s. There is this guy who is 36 and whom I dated in 2010. He promised me marriage and I accepted. But in December of that same year, we had a misunderstanding over a simple issue and that was the end of the relationship. By January, 2011; he relocated to Abuja. In April 2012, he called to apologise and to ask we resume our relationship. He also demanded I come to meet him in Abuja. I knew if I go to visit him, he would want to sleep with me so I decided to test him by asking him to pay N20,000 into my account which would be enough for my travelling. He flared up and promptly asked me not to bother coming again and that I should never call him again. All of a sudden this June, he came back again; this time to declare his willingness to marry me and that he has come to the realisation we are meant for each other. I asked him to come over to Lagos if indeed true he wanted me for his wife. He said he can’t come to Lagos now that I should instead come to Abuja. He was in Lagos in March this year. I know he is hiding something. Please advice me. Worried Girlfriend. Dear Worried Girlfriend, For both of you to move beyond the point both of you are now, there is the need for both of you to talk about the past and future. Both of you must know what went on in your lives since you both parted. He must tell you the experiences that informed his current stance about you as well as those things that have changed about him. You too must be sure about him to venture into a relationship with him again because it is very clear that you don’t trust him one bit. Your reactions to him and his proposal isn’t the kind expected from a woman who is in love with the man in her life. There is only one conclusion to this kind of feeling; you are not very sure about what you feel for him at all. This, you must clear before you can both move on in life. No one but you can sort the reason you are not so excited about him; appear not to be bowed over by his marriage proposal. This is why you don’t trust him a little bit and are unwilling to take any kind of risk with him. The question is; what do you feel for him? And the follow up one is; do you think you can withstand him for the rest of your life? Many a time couples premise their marriages on notions and pressures. When a couple goes into marriage thinking they can change each other and mend bad bends as they journey on in marriage, they get to a point of acute disappointment because adults are the most difficult to change. Therefore, whatever you cannot change now, don’t make the mistake of many women who think they can change their men after the wedding ceremony. Besides, the beginning of a relationship is when a woman has the most power over her man. If he cannot create time out of no time to come over to Lagos to iron and fine-tune things between the two of you, be careful how you tread with him. He should as a matter of fact be the one coming over to Lagos to re-establish his authority over you. If he cannot make this necessary sacrifice for the sake of this relationship at this very tender stage, when is he going to make one for you? He is the one who wants to marry you and considering there is an issue on the ground between both of you; he should be the one to come first; thereafter, you can go to him as many times as you like. His coming would tell you how much you mean to him. If you go, you put yourself at his mercy especially if you don’t have enough funds on you to stay in a hotel. Besides, Abuja has become his territory; not yours so he has the advantage of familiarity with the environment to pressure you into doing exactly as he wants. In Abuja, he can do as he pleases with you. Besides, marriage shouldn’t be the first thing he should propose given the mountains of disagreements between the two of you. It has been almost two years you both stopped dating officially. So much could have happened between then and now. He shouldn’t assume you are always free for him to walk in and out of your life just like that. It is also wrong for him to think that all that is required is for him to offer you a marriage proposal and you would come running to Abuja without first clearing all those cobwebs of yesterday. No relationship works that way. If you make the mistake of jumping on board a vehicle or plane going to Abuja without first sorting things out with him, you just might be setting yourself up for disappointment and pains. A workable marriage must be pegged on realistic goals; not feelings and desires. Granted marriage is a product of sentiments but experience has shown it doesn’t work that way. Without a realistic and honest foundation, there is no cementing the bond between two people. Insist, you can only accept his offers if he makes himself available for you both to discuss why you have been having problems in your relationships. If both of you are finding it absolutely difficult finding an equilibrium in your current relationship, then how do you both propose to conduct a successful marriage? There is no sweeping all these discordant issues between both of you under the carpet at all. To do so is to build a store of future troubles in your relationship. Trust me these aren’t issues a couple discuss when sex is the main agenda of their meeting. He must have a sincerity of purpose, must be interested in the future of the relationship for both of you to have a meaningful result. Besides, why isn’t he enthusiastic about coming over to see you in Lagos? Is there any one or situation he is trying to avoid by coming over to see you in Lagos? Go to Abuja only after both of you have cleared all your outstanding issues and not before. Successful marriage can only be accomplished if done right and not in a hurry. Good luck.