I prefer my brother-in-law to my husband

Dear Agatha, I am 28 and married with a child. I got married to the brother of my best friend’s husband. I did this because of how responsible and respectful my friend’s husband is. He is caring, thoughtful and very much of a family man. He is always there for his wife and children and has never lifted his finger against his wife. This made me very determined to marry into his family. With the help of my friend, a meeting was arranged between his immediate brother and I. At the end of the day, we got married. About three weeks into the marriage, I discovered the only thing he has in common with his brother is the surname they share. He is world apart from him. He is disrespectful, unfaithful and irresponsible. By the time I was six months pregnant, he has started beating me, calling me names like ugly, amoeba and pig. I didn’t know what to do anymore since reporting him to his brother didn’t make any much difference. If anything, it only made him worse. The birth of our daughter appeared to touch him in a very special way because he changed and became more responsible. His mother died about a month to the birth of our daughter. Right from her first moment on earth, she looked like her, even having the same beauty spot at the left of her lips like my late mother in law. My husband being particularly close to his mother said, she reincarnated in our daughter. In the early days, he took care of our daughter, always changing her diapers, making her food and taking turns to care for her at night. I was happy but when the baby clocked a year, he changed again giving the excuse that I am taking him for granted. Although he isn’t as bad as he was but he is a far cry from his brother. In all honesty, I envy my friend so much and would have done anything to have her own husband. Whenever I am with them, I wish and crave for her husband and wonder at her luck at having him to herself. How can my husband be like hers? How can I make him responsible? Yetty. Dear Yetty, Your preoccupation with your friend’s marriage and home is very dangerous and that could topple the harmony of the entire family. It is unhealthy to yearn after that which belongs to another person. This man isn’t just your best friend’s husband but also your brother-in-law. Therefore, what you find appealing about him must be buried and forgotten by you in the interest of everybody. Your husband can never be like your friend’s husband. This is because they are both unique in their ways and have different attitudes to issues despite being brothers. Not even identical twins have the same attitude and behavior to issues. So why do you think your husband must be like his brother? What makes you think his brother is better than him? The truth here is, you are too fixed on your friend’s husband to have time for your own home and husband. Though you didn’t say it, not only are you jealous of your friend’s husband to the exclusion of everything else, you are unconsciously in love with him the very reason your husband appears to be irritating you. Even if he changes to be the most perfect man in the world, you will still find something to complain about him because your mind isn’t really in tune with his. A wise woman would have used the opportunity provided by the semblance of her daughter to her late mother-in-law to win over her husband, change him for the best and create a happy ambiance in her home. Your home is your garden. If you fail to cultivate it very well as a woman and wife, you will never have the presence of mind to relax in it because you will forever be looking at the garden of another woman and wishing for the greenness of her garden. If your husband is violent, irresponsible and rude, have you bothered to find out why he is everything his brother isn’t? Have you stopped to wonder at the efforts your friend puts into making her husband so perfect? The attitude of your husband could be a mirror of your neglect of him. A perfect marriage is a product of sacrifices, resilience and determination of the couple. To get you to pay attention to his person, your husband might be saying all those things out of frustration. If your friend’s home is happy, it is simply that she has taken time out to study her husband’s needs, likes and is doing everything that makes him happy. Once a man finds that kind of woman, he would do everything to ensure she is happy because she compliments him perfectly. It is pure foolishness on your part to continue to envy the home of your friend while leaving yours to wither. If you don’t know how to start, call your friend aside to ask her for useful tips on how to earn the trust of your man and have peace in your home. Your husband didn’t drop from heaven. If he were as useless as you painted him, the changes you noticed in him when you gave birth to your daughter is indicative of his ability and capacity to be a loving, considerate husband and father. The question, is can you reciprocate those considerations? Can you create the kind of happiness your friend has fashioned in her home? To do that, you must first appreciate the extra-ordinary qualities of your husband. Without devoting time to studying him outside the cast of his brother, you will never find out anything about him. The result is that you will continue to ascribe to him all the faults in the marriage and in the process destroy every hope of your marriage becoming ideal. He too is clearly not happy in the house. You may not know it; but he could also be regretting his decision to marry you especially as you appear to be spending all your time day dreaming about a man who is married and is, from all indices happy with his own family. One thing you must appreciate about marriage is this; no two marriages can ever be alike. Even if you marry your brother-in-law, you will never have the same kind of results he is achieving with your best-friend. The reason is for this is the chemistry of attraction between two persons. You are just you and he is also himself. You can never emit the kind of chemical reactions your friend emits to his own kind of chemistry. This makes your craving for him useless and uncalled for. Beyond your animate desire to marry into the family of your best friend is, the matter of the attraction between you and your husband the day you first met. Something sparked for a marriage to have happened between the two of you. For now, that should be enough for you to work on. Ask your friend to find out from her husband what kinds of food sappealed to your husband when he was young. Make the attempt to cook it for him as a way of breaking the ice between the two of you. Once you are able to create the right atmosphere in your home, log on to frank conversation to clear up all the nagging issues between the two of you. Lead him to talk as sincerely as possible his disappointments with you and the marriage. Remember, not to take offence at whatever he says if you want to be happy in your home too. Be a wise and determined woman who is ready to grow her home in love and respect. Where you are wrong, apologise to him with the promise never to make him unhappy again. If he apologises, all well and good; if he doesn’t, don’t push him to. Overtime, he would, in the different ways men tell their women, they are sorry. Every man likes to be pampered by his woman; given attention as well as respect. This man is the reason you are in that home so give him all the attention he needs if you want to get the best out of him always and have a home like that of your friend. Above all, enthrone God as the head of your home; this way, you will never go wrong. Good luck.