She wants to come back after cheating on me

Dear Agatha, Please help me resolve the situation of heart brokenness caused me by the girl I love so much. There is this girl I met in 2009 when I was sitting for my West African Senior Secondary School Examinations. Immediately I saw her something strong moved in me. It was a kind of feeling I have never felt before. So I walked up to her to express my feelings for her. I kept disturbing her until she agreed to be my date. It took her four months to agree to my proposal. Overtime she became as much in love with me as I am with her. I spent a little time with her in the village before she left to stay with her mother in Rivers State. We kept in constant touch with each other. Over the years, I also noticed she didn’t toy with me. We however saw each other at Christmas seasons and was always happy to see me. A lot of people have been asking us to decide on the date and time of our wedding. However, things began to change early last year when I noticed she no longer called me as frequently as she used to. If I call her, she won’t pick my calls. Even when she sees my calls, she won’t return it. There was this particular day a guy answered her call and told me she wasn’t around. She didn’t bother to return my call for that day. So many things changed. But when we met last Christmas, she pretended nothing was amiss and displayed all the affections of the past years. She didn’t stay for the length of time she normally would have. Three days after she returned to Rivers State, I called her but she kept rejecting my calls. At a point, she simply switched off her phone. And when I kept disturbing her with calls, she told me she didn’t want me calling her again and that she wasn’t interested in the relationship again. I pleaded with her bit she refused. A week after, I called her but to my pains, the same man answered her phone. I had to ask the guy of his relationship with my girlfriend. He told me they were dating. I felt betrayed and my heart became heavy with sadness at her treatment of me. I left a message for her with him; that she should call me. She called me around 1:45 a.m. After discussing with her; she apologised because, I never cheated on her in the years that we dated. I ended the discussion by telling that I quit. The next day she called me and was crying and pleading for forgiveness and re-acceptance. She has also sent me several text messages calling her actions foolish and not knowing the value of what she has. She informed me that she has terminated the relationship with the other guy. She had also been pleading it will never happen and that she did it for the fun of it, not knowing it will tear us apart. She has been crying and begging me to accept her back since then. I really feel betrayed by her actions. I have also sworn not to ever date her again but there is nothing I can do about my love for her. I also know she really loves me. Please help me out. Should I go back to her because she has come to full realization of her mistakes and that I really love her or forget about her and move on with my life? Please your valued counsel is urgently needed. Simon. Dear Simon, Betrayal is associated with love. The two always go together. In addition, there is no relationship without its seasons of pains, joy and testimony. What often makes the difference is the quality of love that exists between the couple. One thing you must appreciate in a relationship especially in a long distant one; is the grace of God. Without it, a couple may find it almost impossible to be happy together. It is this grace that helps couples to see ahead of many situations they find themselves in. In some cases, it isn’t about who committed the worst crime but a combinations of all factors that created the situation in the first place. Sincerely, both of you are at fault in this relationship. Although she erred severely by going outside the relationship to date another man, you also left too many things to chance. We are not equally gifted with the same kind of emotional resistance. You happen to fall into the category of those whose resistance is very strong. It wasn’t wise on your part to assume she too can put up your kind of resistance. Don’t also forget that unlike the life of a man; that of the woman is limited by nature and staying with her mother, being around her friends in where she stays will put a certain kind of pressure on her. Nobody would take her serious about a relationship where the man has never visited her. You don’t live abroad; you live in Nigeria so why haven’t you taken time out to make yourself visible to her mother and friends in Rivers State? One thing is to talk about having a boyfriend who loves her so very much; another thing is for the boy to make an appearance in her life. Knowing how the mind of the average woman works, her friends and associates would have on several occasions wondered loudly and mockingly too about her absentee boyfriend and urged her to protect herself by accepting another man in her life. Their arguments would be hinged on the very common ones; do you know what he is up to? If he is as much in love with you as he claims, why hasn’t he bothered to come down here to see you? These are just examples of the kinds of pressures she might have gone through in the hands of her friends. If your love is strong enough to survive this, correct this mistake by taking time out to be with her. Seeing her in December only doesn’t amount to anything much. Both of you aren’t living in different countries. It won’t take you more than a day, to travel from your base to Rivers State at worst. Your presence there will not only serve to announce your love for her but underline your seriousness with her. Even if you stay with her for two days, it will erase any negative impression her family and friends might have nurtured in their minds. It will also afford the mother the opportunity of meeting and discussing with you. As for your worry on whether to take her back or not; it is yours to make because you are the one at the centre of it all. You are the one who knows what you feel for her and how strong the feelings are. However, in making this important decision, please consider these points. Can you trust her to be faithful to you? Will you be able to completely forgive and forget about the incident? One thing is to forgive; another thing is to forget. It is the forgetting part that tells how fast your relationship will heal from this. If you are unable to forget it, chances are you will never completely trust her even though, you love her. You will keep suspecting her every move to the extent you will never believe whatever she tells you especially concerning the nature of her relationship with any man. As it is, the relationship is stationary at that point you discovered her duplicity. Only your true forgiveness can jump start it. If you know it will be difficult for you to really forgive her, don’t make the mistake of taking her back because you will only end up really messing things up between the two of you. If you need time, be honest enough to tell her that you will need time to get the hurt out of your system before you can come back to her. Don’t allow her tears force you into a situation you know you cannot handle at least, for now. You need time to make the right decision. Just turn to God for His peace and comfort. One thing is for sure; if both of you are meant to be, you will find a way around it. Good luck.