I caught my cousin in bed with my wife

Dear Agatha, I dated my former girlfriend for six years. From the very first day I met her at a party organized for Jambites, I fell in love with her. She was different from all the girls I have ever met. I convinced her to date me and that was how we started. I loved her with every fiber of my body. I actually deflowered her and she had become known to everybody in my family. I graduated before her. I was two years ahead of her. Trouble started when she went to serve in Kano. She met my cousin there and through him I got to know she was having an affair with a commissioner in the State. I was so disappointed, I didn’t bother to give her a chance to explain or deny the allegations. I sent her an SMS, not to bother coming to my house again. I changed the lock just to make she doesn’t gain entrance into the house. When my parents got to know what happened, they pleaded with me to hear her out. I forbade them from ever discussing her with me. My eldest sister in London also advised me not to listen to that particular cousin because of his antecedent. I also turned down her counsel. Even when I was told she was carrying my baby, I denied responsibility. There was nothing my parents didn’t say but I maintained my stance. I didn’t know what happened to her after the day she came to my office and I disgraced her. Through the same cousin, I met and married my current wife within a year of leaving my ex. My father prevented us from going beyond the traditional wedding. He kept giving one excuse or the other to prevent us from going to the registry or church. Thank God I listened to him on that because my so called wife, I caught in bed with my cousin who later confessed that jealousy made him to frame my ex who he tried to date. I later discovered that with the help of my parents, my ex and our son, relocated to England to stay with my eldest sister for a while before she got her own apartment. The problem is, she is refusing to have anything to do with me and my wife is refusing also to let go of me pointing at me as being responsible for the pregnancy she claims she has. Please help me resolve this mess I am in. There is no way I can accept the pregnancy of a woman I caught in bed with another man. And I don’t know what to do to make my ex and child come back to me. The worst thing is that none of my family members appear interested in helping me to talk to her. My parents in particular say since I refused to listen to them at the beginning of this problem, I should find how to make her listen to me and resolve the issue of my cousin and wife. My parents can be very difficult when they choose to be. Please help me, Agatha. Phillips. Dear Phillips, The first thing is to settle the issue of the woman in your house. What do you intend to do with her and the pregnancy? Despite what she did, there is a possibility that you could be the father of her unborn child. No matter what, that child should not be made to suffer on account of what the mother did to you. Granted the fact that you caught her in bed with another man is enough reason for you to insist that you don’t want to have anything to do with her and that child but consider how you would feel if at the end of the day you are indeed the father of the child. For this reason, exercise some patience. Good enough modern technology can determine the paternity of a child easily these days. There is nothing patience cannot do; the very reason you found yourself in this mess. Had you been patient, listened to your parents and sister, you would have given your ex, the chance to explain herself rather than deny her and the child. This is what is threatening to play itself out again. Another innocent child’s life and future hangs in the balance as a result of this same manipulative cousin of yours. The truth is, if you don’t clear this mess your lack of patience created, you will never be happy with your ex by the time she comes back. You must be able to give her a detailed picture of what she is coming back to. For instance, if after giving her the impression that you don’t have a child from this marriage and tomorrow, this child whose paternity is now in dispute turns out to be yours, what kind of story will you be telling her? This is in addition to what is appearing to becoming a pattern in your life. You should work hard at ensuring it doesn’t persist beyond this point. Since she is claiming the pregnancy is yours, continue to offer her accommodation until she puts to bed. You can leave the room for her or find a place to hang out until the issue is completely resolved. Even though you both didn’t marry in the church or registry, under the native laws and customs, you are married hence must first take steps to dissolve the marriage by asking her to return the bride price you paid on her. It is only then, you can be free to move on with your ex or another woman you might find attractive. But in all these you must be careful not to advertise your intentions to your wife else she would make life very miserable by refusing to vacate your life despite whatever you saw. A woman who can have the guts to sleep with your cousin in your house cannot be dismissed with a wave of the hand. She can make life very miserable for you if you push her too hard. Like I said earlier, be patient and learn from this situation. As for your ex, she will eventually change her mind once your family members agree to talk to her. Your parents are determined to teach you a lesson; one of learning to look beyond what people say about those close to you. You simply have to keep pushing and begging your ex for forgiveness. If possible, find time to visit her in England to see her and your child. Your presence can make a lot of difference in all these. Frankly, this isn’t something you can settle through telephone conversation because you hurt her deeply. For a woman you deflowered and couldn’t defend her in time of need, falls short of the trust expected of you. A lot of trust went into her decision to open up her body to you. That simple act should have informed the decision you took especially as she didn’t give you any reason to doubt her in the six years you dated her. Doubtless, what your cousin said about her affair with a commissioner was enough to annoy you but you should have controlled your reactions by going down to Kano to find out and confront her with the allegation. Relationship flowers under trust. From your reactions, you didn’t act like a man who loved his woman. Love and trust go hand in hand. At least you should have given her a chance to explain herself; the relationship between her and the commissioner. That you didn’t do any of these is why she is acting this way. The issue you also have to convince her about is, would you have come looking for her if you didn’t discover your cousin and wife in bed together? This would be the toughest part of your quest to get her back. Whether you like it or not, this question will have to be answered by you before she might agree to come back. So search your mind properly and convince your family members of your true need of this woman in your life. At the end of the day, the involvement of your family members will definitely make her change her mind provided she isn’t already involved with someone who really appreciates her than you. Good luck.