Her young lover is an embarrassment to the family

Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com,Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, I really need your advice on ways to handle this issue in my family. I am the first son of my late father who died 2009, I have been away from home since 2007. I went to Nigeria for the burial and came back to my base to continue with my education. Thank God I am through and planning on coming back to Nigeria soon to spend time with my family. My mother had me for my father while still in high school. He was already married then and being too young, there was no marriage plans between the two of them. I grew up with my maternal grandmother. When I got to high school, I had to look for my father. To be fair to my stepmother she received and accorded me the respect as the first son. Even her children all gave me my place, including my elder sister, her first daughter. I love my stepmother as my mother. She destroyed all the negative myths I heard about stepmothers being wicked. Her open acceptance of me made nonsense of all I have been told that she won’t accept me being a boy, especially as she also has a son. Throughout my stay with her, never did she for once see me as a threat to her son. When my father died, she cried bitterly. Deep in me, I decided I will be her joy and take care of her. The issue now is. She is seeing a younger guy in my community and doing it openly. My siblings especially my younger brother, have been really aggressive trying to put a stop to the relationship; almost fighting the young man. My elder sister’s husband and some family members have tried to talk to her about her bringing shame to the family as well as her decision to be bringing the boy to my father’s house. She fights and categorizes anybody who kicks against the affair as an enemy. This has prompted everyone to hands off the matter. The have put the burden of me talking to her since everyone knows that she sees me as her first son and her favorite. We are very close; she listens to me. To be fair, she can get involved with whosoever but bringing her lover to the family house isn’t right. Besides, my siblings are against the whole affair because the guy is too young for her. Since I have never met him, I cannot give an opinion on that. We have never had any misunderstanding before but, I am afraid this might cause trouble between us. Already my uncles have slashed her monthly allowance yet, she continues seeing the guy. This in my opinion means the relationship is more serious than many realize. Right now, they have all decided they will wait for me to take action. If her own children, her siblings and uncles cannot stop her; how can I persuade her? She is in her 50s and from what I gathered from my siblings, she practically takes care of this young guy. I guess that informed the decision to slash her monthly allowances. Agatha, please I need your advice on how to tackle this. Stepson. Dear Stepson, Force has never been known to work with anyone in love. Rather, the more you all condemn her choice of a man, the more determined to keep the relationship going she would be. For a woman her age, it isn’t just a matter of desiring the relationship anymore but that of personal pride and anger at the attitude of everybody towards her person and choice. Because of this, even when she realizes that she may have made one or two mistakes, she will soldier on to deny you all the pleasure of telling her that you all told her so. If it is almost impossible to make a younger person change his or her mind about a decision to date a particular person, what makes any of you think you can change the mind of an adult who has long past the age of consent; has been married and enjoyed unrestricted sex life? How would you react to being told that the person you are dating now isn’t good enough for you? For that matter, how would your younger brother feel if your mother decides to fight the lady he is intending to marry? Emotions are funny. When they come calling, reasons take the back set. Sex, love and romance are ageless. When they happen, the feelings are universal. Even in the animal kingdom, the bonds of love defy reasoning and understanding. This young man is the person she considers good enough for her. None of you must forget that. Whether you like him or not; her choice should be respected. She is her own person and considers all the noise about her choice of a man by the family as not only embarrassing but humiliating to her integrity. Her determination to go ahead with her decision is enforced by a deep rooted anger at the death of her husband whose mortal absence exposed her to the situations going on around her. She is fighting back out of bitterness, anger and frustration. She cannot fight death that robbed her of a life partner, exposed her vulnerability as a woman. At 50 plus, she is at that delicate age when most women need the presence and companionship of their men. Our true nature cannot be denied. She is fighting you all because you have all refused to listen to her, taken into considerations her own feelings. The fact that she is widowed doesn’t mean her life must come to an end, terminate with her late husband. None of you knows how she really feels. This is the difference you must make when talking to her. Invite her out for a frank son/mother talk. Use your knowledge of her, her best food, perfume, colours to lure her out of the walls of defense she has naturally built around herself. Use the pet name she calls you or the memories you have both shared to get her to trust you enough to tell you her side of the story. Don’t even show any trace of antagonism for her choice of a lover; rather begin by asking if she is happy as a woman. Let her know you are really concerned for her happiness and that you aren’t against the man she finds it with. This will naturally make her relax because even though she is fighting everybody, deep inside her, she needs a friend within the family. As her favorite, you stand the chance of making her look at the matter more comprehensively. What others cannot achieve by fighting her and her lover, you can achieve by being sensitive to her moods. Hear her out. As gently as possible, put across the reasons for the feelings of others. Let her understand too that those fighting her love her and want the best for her. Present their real fears about her relationship with the boy. Offer to meet the boy. You cannot fight someone or make judgments about a person you don’t know. Get to meet him first. Engage him in a discussion that will enable you journey into his mind; know what he thinks as well as his reason for wanting to stay in a relationship with a woman her age. Meeting you will definitely knock some senses into his head; know that he is being watched and that his intentions are not hidden from the family. Your presence will intimidate him enough to make him reconsider certain things about the relationship. After meeting him, meet with other members of the family to explain their need to be more understanding as well as a change in their attitude towards your mother. Then demand for a compromise, a decision others too must respect if peace is to return to the family. Let your mother know that, for reasons of decency and propriety, she should get a place for her lover. That, bringing him to the family house isn’t right and in a way insults the memory of her late husband. Inform her about what some people are saying about her decision to bring her lover into her matrimonial home. To ensure your argument hits the bull eye, tell her that there are insinuations by some mischievous people that she lacks respect for the name and memory of her late husband. Assure her that you won’t allow anybody bother her if he is kept away from the family house. Tell your uncle as a way of ending the crisis to restore her allowances. It is her money, so she has the right to use it anyway she wants. Maturity and wisdom will go a long way in restoring peace to your family. Good luck.

Many suitors, but none religiously compatible

With Agatha Edo,Email: womaneditor@independentngonline.com,gataedo@yahoo.com or agatha.edo@gmail.com Dear Agatha God bless you, I appreciate the way you solve people’s problem; may God continue to bless you. I want you to help me with this problem. There are currently many suitors seeking my hand in marriage but none of them is a believer. There is this one who appears serious and whom I like too. He claims to be born-again but he is an Anglican. Much as I like him, he is an unbeliever. I want to marry a Pentecostal. Although I am not in a hurry to marry because I am still young, but what do you think I should do since I don’t want to keep rejecting suitors. I am tired. This man in question does not know anything about the Holy Ghost and he can’t even speak in tongue. What should I do? Blessing. Dear Blessing, Yours is a classic case of the many absurdities which are today confronting the body of Christ; the many misconceptions that have turned the house of Christ to a theatre of massive confusions and many strange doctrines. It is unfortunate the way we have allowed religion and faith to be taken over by confusion and how much this confusion is denying a lot of people the chance to be really happy with their God-given destinies. Painfully, this massive confusion is altering the relationship many should have with God and placing undue emphasis on things that are not biblical and completely absurd. What makes the God of Pentecostal churches different from the God of Anglicans? What makes the Holy Spirit in their Bible different from the Holy Spirit of Pentecostal Churches? Is the God in their Bible different from the God in the Bible of Pentecostal churches? Is the story of Jesus Christ in their Bible different from what you know? And who says speaking in tongues is the only manifestation of the Holy Spirit? What happens to all the other gifts God gave to mankind? What about the gift of love, wisdom, humility, meekness and understanding of the scriptures one of the divine assignments of the Holy Spirit? What about the warnings of Christ that a house divided against itself cannot stand? Who is clean to prescribe judgment on anybody? Can you claim perfection in the sight of God on the premise of being a member of a Pentecostal Church? Is being a member of a Pentecostal Church enough credential for making heaven? To get it right and for you to be happy in life, you must first of all divorce yourself from the anarchy in the body of Christ occasioned by different denominations. What is important is how we are before God. We cannot do the work of God the father, the Son and the Holy Spirit for them. Being all Christians, disciples of Jesus Christ, we need love and perfect understanding and tolerance to exalt His name. Even if you think he is the worst sinner, what did Jesus prescribe? Tolerance and love. If you think he is in the dark and you are in the light, as a Christian, shouldn’t you first give him the opportunity to share in your light? Have you paused to wonder why it is only men you consider unbelievers that are coming your way? If you have a good knowledge of the Holy Spirit, you should know that God is trying to pass a message across to you, to offer them your light, to show them the grace and mercy of your faith and lead them out of their unbelief. As a messenger of the Holy Spirit, selfishness and condemnations are forbidden. Ideally, you shouldn’t put your own sentiments and needs above the salvations of these unbelievers. What is expected of a true child of God is to offer Jesus first to such people. Having said that, it is important you first go to God to give you a clear vision of what He expects of you and how you should go in life to avoid frustrating regrets. There is no way you can ever hope to be happy if you stand as the accuser, jury and the judge in your own matter. This attitude will never help you get a correct answer to this problem. Granted, you need someone who understands your passion for Christ, who is knowledgeable about your doctrine but it should not be the only parameter for accepting to marry anybody. The marriage institution is too complex to be premised on mono-attribute. Today, many confess to Christianity without understanding the issues involved in it. Christianity has become a fad rather than a conviction. Majority of us are still Bible-carrying and not Bible-practising Christians, which makes it imperative for you to open up your agenda to be able to comprehend as well as focus on all the issues involved in choosing a life-partner. The appraisal must begin from your end. You must have a very broad comprehension of what love and marriage are to recognise the qualities that would make you happy in life. Without you equipping yourself with the knowledge of love and marriage, you risk placing too much premium on inconsequential attributes which at the end of the day would only make you resentful and disappointed in the entire concept of love and marriage. Marriage based on warped reasoning and information more often than not ends in terrible situations. That you are considering other aspects of a man doesn’t make you carnal or lacking in the wisdom of the Holy Spirit. As a matter of fact, marriage without the presence, wisdom and guidance of the Holy Spirit will never work hence you must completely submit yourself, dreams and desires to the Holy Spirit to record success. Give yourself the chance to know these men before crucifying them along the lines of your very narrow perspective. One of these men may have the magic key to your happiness but if you fail to wisdom, you might end up full of regrets and pains later in life. There is no chance now, and adequate preparations must be made towards marriage, being the most important institutions in life. Whether you begin now or not, you will eventually confront all the issues you are now facing. Give yourself a good start by thinking about it and taking all the steps to be happy tomorrow. Pray for the help and direction from God as well as an open heart to hear and receive from Him. Good luck.

My husband is tired of our marriage

With Agatha Edo,Email: womaneditor@independentngonline.com,gataedo@yahoo.com or agatha.edo@gmail.com Dear Agatha, My marriage of 12 years is almost going down the drain. I discovered my husband is having an affair and that the lady in question is already pregnant for him. I believe this because these days, he is hardly at home. It seems he comes back because of his children. When it comes to issues concerning his children, he goes out of his way to make them happy. He has never stopped accusing me of being the problem in the marriage. There is nothing I do that appears right in his opinion. If he doesn’t accuse me of being laid back, a bad example of what a mother should be, he says my friends are the ones influencing me to be rude to him and to treat our marriage with little or no respect. He is always finding ways to condemn me since we got married. For instance, he calls my insistence of having two housemaids an unnecessary indulgence. Even though my housemaids are very good cooks and excellent housekeepers, he would still find ways of complaining. I try my best but it appears he doesn’t find my best good enough for him. If I go to a party with my friends, he says I don’t spend enough time with the family. I have repeatedly tried to make him understand that I grew up in a home where housekeepers attended to the home. Whether my mother was in or not, the house-helps cooked our meals. My father never complained about it; never sulked when my mother left us to attend a party with her friends for days. I really don’t understand why my husband can’t stop complaining or the reason he is giving for making another woman pregnant. Granted when we were dating, I was contented being in his company but I simply cannot stay indoors all the time. The fact that he has bought a car for this other woman shows that she must be using some sort of charm on him. From my friend who is the woman’s neighbour, I am told that my husband dotes on her and that she is this kind of woman who cooks and washes his clothes. I am really considering going to fight the woman because nothing I say or do now makes sense to my husband. The worst thing is that he is daring me to do my worst. When my mother called him to ask him if what I said about him impregnating another woman is true, he didn’t bother to deny it. He said I pushed him to it because I was never at home and never gave him the kind of home he desired. He also accused me of being lazy and dirty. There was nothing he didn’t tell my mother including not knowing how my food tastes as a wife. Two of my friends have gone to harass the woman on my behalf. Although I denied knowledge of it when my husband confronted me. The issue now is, I want him back and I’m willing to change if only he will look my way. I am not as interested in my former lifestyle as I am now in recovering my marriage. The funny thing is that my mother insists on following me to go and fight the other woman. Deep down, after listening to my mother’s elder sister who has never approved of my mother’s way of life, I want to make my marriage work all of a sudden. How do I go about it? Mariam. Dear Mariam, The first thing is to sit back and re-organise your life with a view of knowing what to do and what to do away with. One thing is to realise that you need to make your marriage work, another thing is to be convinced that you really want to stay in the marriage. If for 12 years, you have consistently ignored the desires of your husband and have done things your way, how do you plan to sustain your current desires to make your husband work especially now that he has another woman in his life? Be warned, that this battle isn’t going to be easy because those things you didn’t do that were important then, she has invested in your husband. Now you have to work thrice as hard to get your husband back than you would have if you listened to the complaints of your husband all these years. It is unfortunate how most of us begin to show appreciation for our spouses only after we have allowed them slip through our fingers through our carelessness. Although your husband broke his vows to you, from all that you said, you pushed him into the choice he made concerning this other woman. What man would experience care, compassion, respect and attention from a woman and not go for her? What man would leave a woman who cooks good food for one who doesn’t care if he eats or not, and isn’t bothered about the kinds of food he eats? That your husband is responsible, irrespective of this other woman getting pregnant for him is evident in him not sleeping with any of the housemaids you employed to perform your role of cooking his meals, washing his clothes and possibly making his bed. Not many men would let such tempting opportunities pass them by. The fact that he didn’t, went out of his home to have another woman to play the role you refused to play is evident of the kind of respect he has for you. If the truth must be told, you were the one that broke his heart first. What kind of wife and mother are you if your family cannot say when last they tasted your food? What kind of example are you offering your daughters when they grow up to be like that in their own homes? As you must have found out, your mother’s examples are the worst kind any mother can offer her daughter. Unfortunately, you are the one suffering her shortcomings as a mother. Whether you like it or not, her examples made you lose sight of your importance in the home as well as duties to your husband. Perish the thoughts that this other woman used charms. The woman knew and recognised your husband’s needs and went for it. She knew her onions as a woman. What you should do if you truly want him back is to first go back to acquire the skill of cooking, housekeeping as well as the right attitude. Follow this, by distancing yourself from some of the friends who aided you in destroying your home. Sincerely, you don’t need friends who prefer parties to their homes. Also, discourage your friends from going to fight the other woman; it will only complicate things for you. Your mother also should be kept out of your marriage. She should face her own marriage. Let her know that you are now determined to navigate your own canoe without any help from her. Since he still comes to the house, ensure whenever he comes, he finds you at home. Use your children as your spokespersons. Let them tell their daddy the change in your attitude, including how good a cook you are. When he comes, rush into the kitchen to make him a meal that will help him remember the early days of your relationship. You need something to remind him of the nascent days of your relationship. Because the issues weren’t created in one day, you have to be patient in your quest for solutions and happiness. As long as you are determined to make it work, bear the initial setbacks that are bound to come with wisdom. Back whatever efforts you are making with prayers. God is the only one that can make him come back to you. It is only after you have won back your husband, you should together discuss the other woman and baby. Whatever decision you make, consider her presence in your lives as a price you have to pay for all your mistakes of the past. If you are truly determined, refusing to listen to wrong counsels from your mother or friends, your marriage will survive. The choice is really yours. Good luck.

I want the son I dumped 10 years ago back

Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com,Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, Ten years ago, I was poor, homeless and certainly not in a position to care for a child. Besides, the man responsible denied the pregnancy and I. There was no where for me to stay let alone the baby. I was living under the Ojuelegba bridge. When I fell into labour, I was rushed to General Hospital at Randle. There, I discovered and fell in love with a woman who I heard through gossips from the nurses that she doesn’t have a child and may not, due to complications of an abortion that went bad. As a result, I heard her husband drove her out to marry another woman. It was not difficult getting her address from the nurses so, after I was discharged, I took my baby to her doorsteps very early in the morning before day break and ran away but not without explaining my reasons in a letter to her. I didn’t bother to return to my previous post at Oluelegba. With the little money I made, I ran to Ibadan to begin a new life. As God would have it, things changed for me the moment I got to Ibadan. I not only found love but tremendous success in my business. I am blessed with three other children, two boys and a girl but my mind keeps going back to my baby, I left on the doorsteps of that childless woman. Although I haven’t told my husband about my son, I intend to just as I want that child back in my life. There is no day I don’t think about the child. A friend of mine I confided in says, I should forget the child. According to her, it would cause problems in my home but sincerely, I don’t care. I want my child back. I love my other three children but not enough to make me forget my first fruit in life. Since January this year, I have been having this strong feeling that I should go and take the child. I actually plan to visit the woman. From my findings she is still in that house with my son who is now in a private secondary school. What do you think? I have never forgiven myself for what I did. Tutu. Dear Tutu, Fate has a way of dealing with us, bringing us on our knees to face a past we so much wish to forget. It also has the knack of planning our lives in such a way that it weaves the past into our present and future. You are who you are today because of that past. There is no running away from it. For the future you plan for yourself to be peaceful, you must settle the past in such a way that, it doesn’t destroy all your present efforts. This is why you must discuss with your husband first. He represents your present. The issues of your son and husband must be handled with maturity by you for the future to be well placed. You are no longer in a position to take unilateral decisions. You are answerable to this man, so confide everything in him. Even though you were very wrong not to have told him that part of your life, informed him about the child you had and abandoned, don’t make another costly mistake of going to the woman you left the baby with, without informing him. Besides, the child now has another mother. You owe your husband that much. You also have a duty to inform your three other children about the boy irrespective of whether he comes home or not. It is to guard against the horrible incident of two siblings going into a relationship later in life. They must know that somewhere in your past, they have a brother one you gave up when things were difficult for you. I appreciate every concern you have for this child as a mother but first give this concern a solid base. This is the point you tell your husband everything about your past. Your family, what led you as a young girl to take up residence under the bridge, why you didn’t leave the child with your mother or any family member instead of abandoning the baby with a complete stranger. There are too many missing pieces in your life of which, the neglect of your child is only a part of it. Sit your husband down and relay the entire story of your life. Being truthful is the only way he can understand or appreciate why you can afford to dump your new born baby at the doorstep of a total stranger. Doubtless, your actions are unpardonable, the fact that you didn’t however ditch the baby inside the dustbin lessens the gravity of what you had done. Stand on this platform to plead your case with your husband who maybe taken aback by the obvious callousness in your actions. The need to safeguard your home before setting out to find your son cannot be over-emphasized. This boy needs peace if he is to come to you. It would be pointless bringing him to a home where he would never find love or be completely a part of. Don’t forget that you have acted irresponsibly once; not getting the consent of your husband fully before setting out will pit your children against each other. The ones at home will feel that you are neglecting them for a child you left a decade ago. In a way, you will be enacting what you did to your first son with your other children. It will be like making the same mistake twice. Go, only if your husband gives his permission. Despite being the biological mother of that child, you gave up your right to him the very moment you left him at the doorstep of the other woman. If the other woman has acted like you, what child will you be contemplating going back to? She was the one who did all the hard-work; the sleepless nights, changing the dirty diapers, crying with the baby when ill; singing and dancing to imaginary music when the baby is restless. The child is more hers now than yours. There is no way she would willingly hand over her son to you simply because you brought that child to life. Besides, you don’t have any legal right to want the child back. Don’t forget you committed a crime against the state by dumping that child the way you did. What if a ritualist got to the child before she did or she a ritualist for that matter? Unless you plan to kill this other woman before her time, don’t consider taking the child away from her. The best you can do, if you must go is to see her first. Introduce yourself to her and let her know that you appreciate her care of the boy. Let the decision to introduce you to the child come from her. If she insists on you not meeting the child, go but plead with her to give you a picture of the child as well as the name he now bears. Explain your reasons to her; you don’t want your children sleeping with each other out of ignorance. Make her understand this fact; that you don’t want to take the child away from her but to ensure you keep the link between the children. It is one of the sacrifices you must make for that decision to desert the child then. To do otherwise would make you appear as a very selfish woman, who at every point in her life puts her interest first and foremost. Feelings are not what you turn on and off like taps. This child you seek for now has a root and a sense of allegiance to the woman he has grown to love as a mother whereas, you are a complete stranger to him. Had you come back almost immediately after you made it in Ibadan, it would have been a different case but waiting for a decade? There are certain things in life that are best left in the cupboard of time. Whether you forgive yourself or not, the fact remains that your interest in this drama involving your first son must be played down because there are now more people involved in the matter. It was your decision to leave him but if he is to come back to you, the opinion, feelings and consent of others involved must be considered. Above all, you also need to pray to know the plans of God for you and this child. Good luck.

My son won’t take the girl I want for him…

With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, My husband left my children and I when they were still very young. He left us to marry his former girlfriend, the one he left to marry me. From that point, my children, two girls and a boy, have been on our own. It was very tough, but God saw us through. My son, the second child of the family always wanted to be a medical doctor. I practically sold all my gold to assist with his dreams. Fortunately, he got a scholarship from his father’s elder brother in his second year in medical school. This man paid for everything including his books, cloths and other allowances. Now he is married, but I don’t like the woman he is married to. They met while he was in medical school. From the very first day he brought her home, I have resisted his choice but he ignored me to marry her. I simply don’t like her person at all. She has never been rude to me, but I dislike her with a passion. I would have felt more comfortable if he had married the daughter of my best friend, the woman who stood by me during my difficult times. We had this arrangement between us that her last daughter and my son will end up marrying each other. His refusal to marry her has caused a big gap in our relationship. There is nothing I haven’t done to separate both of them. Now she has become so rude to me to the extent that when I go to their house, she doesn’t bother to entertain me except to cook my meals, her children too don’t play with me as they used to, making it obvious that their mother has been telling them about me. I have tried talking to my son to let her go and give me the joy of having my friend’s child as my daughter-in-law but he won’t hear of it. Besides as my only son, I want him to marry more than a wife so that I can have more grandchildren through him. After all, his father left me to marry the one he dated before meeting me. I suffered to bring them up. It wasn’t easy for me but this woman he calls his wife isn’t making him to listen to my wishes. Please help me. I don’t know what to do to win back my son’s listening hears. His wife is evil. Ayoka. Dear Ayoka, Allow your son and his wife to be. From all you have said, you appear to be the issue in this marriage since you failed to say what she has done to you precisely. If she isn’t going out of her way to be friendly with you, you asked for it through your attitude towards her. In her shoes, would you subject yourself to the horrors of being in the company of a person who doesn’t like you? That she is going out of her way to cook your meals, provide what you need shows that she isn’t a rude woman, just one who is avoiding a nasty situation. She isn’t to blame if your son failed to honour whatever promises you and your friend made to each other. If your son didn’t approach her for a relationship, she would never have ended up as his wife. She ended up as your daughter-in-law because your son found something very special and precious in her. Not many young women would put up with your kind of attitude towards her without her coming out smoking against you. If she is influencing her husband not to yield to you, she is not doing anything out of the ordinary. Every woman must take measure to protect her territory, which is what she is doing in her own way. The fact that you had issues with the father of your children, doesn’t mean your son and his wife must suffer the same thing you suffered. Your husband left you and the children for reasons best known to him just as your son is determined to stay in his marriage to his wife. For whatever reason, you are not being fair to your son and his wife. As a mother how would you feel if the mothers of the men that married your daughters are making life as difficult as you are brewing for another woman’s daughter? How would you feel if your sons-in-law decide to dump your daughters and marry other women? Come to think of it, how did you feel when your husband left you for his ex? It is an act of undiluted cruelty to wish the same fate that befell you on your daughter-in-law. Is marrying your son such a crime? Is happiness forbidden to your son simply because you didn’t enjoy your marriage? The choice to stay on to look after them was one you willingly decided to take. Back then, you had the option of leaving the children for your ex-husband to care for. After all, if his elder brother took on the responsibility of training your son through medical school, it shows that there was no draught of capable persons in that family. If you persist in your attitude, you will end up losing this son. Remember, he is now a man of his own and educated enough to realise the harm of marrying more than one wife. Your daughter-in-law is very responsible, that is why she hasn’t bothered to confront you. And if she does, you would only have yourself to blame because even your son will not support you. It is also important you change your attitude towards this woman for the sake of your latter years. A time would come when you would want and court the company of your grandchildren, these ones may not want to have anything to do with you again. If at this stage of your life, they are beginning to show indifference to your person, you can imagine the kind of relationship that awaits you when you are older than you are now? Chances are their mother may not have put them to it. You and I know how children pick up negative signals with ease. Children these days are especially sensitive to things done to their mother. Their reaction is a way of communicating their displeasure over your attitude to their mother. They are just as capable of going a step further to confront you if they think it is necessary. If you don’t like her at all, stop going to their house. This way you will save yourself the hassles of seeing her. But what will you lose by being nice to her? From what you wrote, you do stand a better chance of gaining more from being nice to your son and his wife than fighting them. Whatever she may have done, would you act like this if she were your daughter? As a woman and mother, you must learn the act of forgiveness. Whatever mistake or something your son and his wife may have done to you, let go. The beauty of being old is the wisdom it gives us to manage our affairs better. If you are truthful, you will know that what you are doing or planning for your son is wrong. But you are pushing on out of your own buried pains and hurt when his father left you with three children. Although you didn’t say it, but deep down you are determined that no woman in the life of your son escapes the kind of pains you passed through. Even if he had married the daughter of your friend, with your kind of pent up anger, you still would have found reasons to complain. There won’t be peace in your life and son’s home until you change your mind and attitude towards life generally. To do this right, there is the need for you to take that essential trip back into time, go back to your own marriage. Ask yourself that question you have been unable to ask all these years. Why did he leave you? This question holds the key to your peace of mind. That your children turned out successful has answered the question of your suitability as a good mother. Doubtless, only a good mother can make the kind of sacrifices you made for your children. But to make your happiness complete, bury all the disappointments of your failed marriage. Your daughter-in-law and children are innocent of what their father did to you. Even if this woman is making a mistake, your place is to help and correct her. If God had wanted your choice of a wife for your son, nobody would be able to stop it, therefore allow this couple to be happy. The best revenge in life is to succeed and be happy. Whatever reasons your ex may have had in abandoning you and the children, don’t give him the last laugh by being a grouch. Even if it weren’t the reason he left you, he would eventually tell the children that he left when he couldn’t take anymore of your attitude. Even if it was his reason, disappoint him by changing for the better. Good luck.

Our driver harasses me sexually…

With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com,Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, Since I have been in Junior Secondary School, our driver has been sleeping with me. He can and get away with it, because not only do I enjoy it but also my parents aren’t always around to supervise what I do with my life or time. Being an only child, I am practically at home with the housekeeper and the driver. The housekeeper who doubles as my nanny isn’t also always around as she has her life to live, so I am most of the time with the driver. Because he has been with us for a long time, my parents trust him. Severally, I have aborted pregnancies for him. Now I have finished my secondary education and waiting to enter into the university. I am ready for other relationships, but this man has refused to let me be, going to the extent of reporting me to my parents anytime he sees me with other boys my age. He has threatened that he will only let go of me when he is tired of the relationship. My friends all notice how he behaves towards me prompting my best friend to ask if there was anything going on between us. Although I deny having anything to do with the man, but his action is giving me a lot of concern. Recently, he slapped the elder brother to my friend who came to ask me out. It was very annoying, but the truth is that I cannot say anything to either my nanny or parents because of my relationship with him. I feel caged by his overbearing attitude and don’t know how to handle it. These days he practically rapes me. Whenever I refuse his advances, he either forces himself on me or threatens to tell my parents about us. The worst thing is that I cannot tell anybody what is happening to me. I feel like sexually enslaved by him. The worst thing is that he is married, but he hardly goes home, practically stays in our boy’s quarters. The story he told my parents is that he lives far off. And whenever he is taking me to school or out, he goes to his house at Shomolu. I don’t know what kinds of excuses he gives his wife, but she always comes out to greet me and ask after my health. I am beginning to have this suspicion that he may be lying to her that I am ill or something. He is capable of anything as long as he has access to my body. Most of my pocket money, he takes from me. At times he makes me demand for money I don’t need from my parents. Early this year, I attempted suicide. Fortunately for my mother, she found me before the drugs I took had any effect. She thought I was pregnant but when the results came out negative, she thought it was to get her attention. She and my father made up their minds to increase my allowances to appease my demand that I be sent abroad. Being their only child, my mother in particular doesn’t want me schooling abroad. I don’t know if this man is using juju or something but he is about the only man my parents trust me with. I am fed up and want the freedom to be my own person as well as stop what I am doing with him. I don’t have anyone to talk to. Do you think I should tell my nanny? Please help me, Agatha. Irene. Dear Irene, If you want to stop, you can. This man cannot continue to keep you a prisoner of his desires once you make up your mind to end the ill conceived relationship. This man is taking advantage of you because he thinks you won’t be able to walk up to your parents to report him. The moment he realises that you really can damn the consequences to informing your parents all that have been happening behind them all these years, he will stop harassing you to submit to him. He is using the technique bullies and blackmailers use in preventing their victims from getting freedom from their clutches. No matter the kinds of mistake you have made, he lacks the right to force you to continue to dance to his tune. Let him realise that you may have enjoyed his company way back but you no longer want him. And that, if he insists you and him will continue to be an item, you will have no choice but to tell your parents what has been happening behind them. Even though you didn’t give details on how you both started this affair, it won’t hurt if you come up with a little blackmail of your own; warn him that you are quite capable of telling your parents that he has been raping you against your will. Besides, by now you should be able to fight him to a standstill unless of course you are also enjoying his attention. One thing is to desire freedom from him, another thing is for you to be serious about your desires. There is no way this man can continue to force you to sleep with him if you are not in some ways complacent. He is getting away with it because you have allowed it to become a way of life for you. Granted, what you are doing with him goes against the norm but there is nothing you do that can erase that past. Therefore, it is for you to gather the pieces of your life and move on. If at this stage in your life, you have become one man’s emotional dustbin, what will happen to you when you are old and unable to attract the attention of men? Honestly, there is nothing to lose anymore at this point for you. That examination you have when you contemplated suicide must have revealed to your mother that you are already sexually active. So it won’t come as a total surprise to her if you open up to her. Telling your nanny won’t solve the problem or make him stop. This is as a result of your nanny’s conduct while your parents are out of the house. Chances are that your nanny too is either being blackmailed by this man to pretend she knows nothing or that she is part of the plans to continue to milk your parents through you. If the driver has been having sex with you for as long as you say, she cannot pretend she isn’t aware. If your friends who don’t stay with you are suspicious of the kind of relationship that exist between you and your driver, how much more your nanny who should know your every mood and movement? As an adult who is always around the house, she would know but is pretending for whatever selfish reasons she may have. Knowing her job would be on the line if you tell your parents about all that have been going on behind them; she certainly will discourage you informing them about the sexual abuse the driver is subjecting you to. No matter how busy or bad the situation is your mother is the right person to tell. Besides, it will help her realise the gravity of the mistake she is making with you. It will teach your mother to focus on what is more important to her in life. While she has the right to pursue her career, leaving you at the mercy of the driver is all wrong. Make it a mother-daughter talk, at least for now. First give her the opportunity of telling your father or dealing with the situation on her own. Frankly, the fault isn’t the driver’s at all. Your mother’s choice is responsible for the mess you are in now. Had your mother devoted some time to your person, interest and well-being, there is no way the driver would have had all the freedom in the world to so entrench himself in your life. Slapping your friend’s brother as well as his open antagonism of any male admirer underscores his contempt and assumed freedom over you. Only the authority of your parents can stop him. Perhaps hearing what has been happening could persuade your mother to send you abroad for the time being. It will help you a great deal in overcoming your challenge as well free you from being the sex slave of this man. Telling your parents would also help protect your life because this man is capable of doing anything, including killing you if he perceives you slipping off his grip. Such people are capable of anything. A man who can abandon his family, lie about where he stays, to make your parents give him the boy’s quarters, he can kill you and disappear into the thin air. Your threats to tell your parents will only work for a while. He would device another means if you don’t make good your threats immediately. You have to expose this man for who he is, and immediately too. The fact that you are your parents’ only child makes you an easy target for both this man and your nanny to exploit or harm. What he is doing to you now is part of a longterm plan to destroy your life. Be wise and help your parents realise that thing that is more important than money to them. Your freedom from this situation lies in your ability to fight for your rights and self-respect. Good luck.

My love feelings for guys dead

With Agatha Edo, Email: womaneditor@independentngonline.com, gataedo@yahoo.com or agatha.edo@gmail.com, 08054500626 Dear Agatha, My problem probably isn’t as dire as some of the others published on your page, but it is serious in a way. I’m a sexually confused girl. Still a virgin and 20 years old, I can’t see my future with a girl, but of late I haven’t been attracted to guys at all, though I used to. But I notice girls all the time. Friends tell me I’ve turned into something of a man-hater, except for the few guys I can hang out with and be comfortable around. Lately, there was this guy in a college I’d been very friendly with. Of late, I have been going through difficult times with most of my friends. Somehow this guy started showing feelings for me. Initially, I didn’t notice but did one day when we went out. He began to act inappropriately towards me but I managed to convey part of my lack of interest. I started ignoring the guy and avoiding him at the same time even though he was harassing me with calls. He eventually got the message. But of late, he’s throwing me those annoying glances in class; it’s all he can do, since I don’t talk to him or even look his way. I feel like throwing bricks at him because his attitude is annoying me. And there’s this other guy, who I really like, it started out with me noticing him and then dwindled into admiring everything he does. In my head I go, he is so sweet anytime he does something for me. But I know it will also pass. Anyway my main question is this: What do I do about the man who used to be a friend, but turned into a pervert when he tried to manhandle me? I have no intention of entering a relationship and maybe for that reason I feel horny, for lack of a better word most of the time. I always end up reading Harlequins! So how do I stop? Is there anything I can do to douse it? Worried Girl. Dear Worried Girl, What you feel is perfectly normal at your age because you are between the age of curiosity and reality. Your body is demanding for things that are normal, but which common sense demands that you don’t do for now. This is because you are at a precarious stage of your life when any mistake can destroy everything for you. For some young men and women, it is also normal to go through this period of confusion in your sexual preferences. There is nothing to be ashamed of in feeling horny. Like I said, it is normal as long as you don’t give freedom to it to control you. It is a feeling you can defeat easily as long as you are determined to. Don’t forget at 20, you are just emerging from the period of heavy parental control to semi-independence. You are floating between your childhood years and becoming an adult. Internally your senses are going through emotional revolution; your childhood years are resisting your maturity hormones which in their bid to prepare you for your biological functions are releasing emotionally deadly chemicals into your system. Sex for you at your age becomes almost like a hunger for a particular kind of fashion. Whether you like it or not, thoughts of having sex will come. But this is where your duty as a responsible young adult comes to heavy play. Your must learn the art of resisting whatever it is that is going on inside you. It is the only way to develop a clear perception about the kind of things you want to achieve in life and importantly, the kind of partner that will help you in achieving those dreams with the minimal stress. If you don’t have a dream of whom you are, what to be, you risk the danger of allowing any kind of man into your space. The end result is a cocktail of men in your life who lack what it takes to drive you into your success lane in life. For this reason, learn to be firm and properly focused. None of the young men in your life can make it right for you unless you first of all get it right for yourself. A man you don’t want in your life, make it clear to him through your attitude. The one you like, learn to be friendly but be careful you don’t give him wrong ideas about what you really have in mind. At your age, your friends should cut across both genders. The best way to navigate thorny paths in life is to be friendly. Friendship offers you a unique opportunity to study the character and nature of the man. To really help yourself overcome the sexual burden you have placed on yourself is to stop dwelling on it. Read books that will help you develop normally and grow you in the ways of God. Your Bible will help you reduce some of those horny feelings you have any day and time. Once you are able to balance your spiritual with your physical, you will not fail or fall victim of your own desires. When men perceive a signal of sexual desperation in a woman, like the hunters they are they will take on the opportunity to nest but are cautious in their approach when they know the woman isn’t up for grabs or that she knows what she wants from life. Therefore have a dream first before placing sex on the table. Good luck.

Infidelity led to my husband’s bedwetting

With Agatha Edo, Email: womaneditor@independentngonline.com, gataedo@yahoo.com or agatha.edo@gmail.com, 08054500626 Dear Agatha, I don’t know how to deal with this problem confronting me in my marriage. I actually came to your office but couldn’t summon the courage to ask of you at the reception. I left without fulfilling the purpose of my visit. The issue is that my husband of nine years urinates on the bed in the night. This started a year ago after I fought his girlfriend and made him to leave her. I actually found out that she was pregnant for him. During the cause of our physical exchange, she fainted and was rushed to the hospital. I heard she eventually lost the baby but at least, my husband began to stay at home. A month after the incident, she came in company of her elder sister who told me to be prepared for battle; that I would see issues in my marriage that will be beyond me. They said I can keep my husband because her sister isn’t interested in him anymore. Without giving me the chance to give them a suitable reply, she walked out of my house. I was glad and closed the chapter but not without warning my husband never to make the mistake of going out with another woman or he would live to regret ever betraying our vows to each other. He didn’t know who to be angry with; me or the woman who came to threaten me in the house. But to ensure his friends and family members are aware of the incident just in the event that she comes back to injure me at home; I told everybody including my harmless warning that he will live to regret ever being unfaithful to me again. I don’t know what happened but about a month after that incident, he started to urinate at home. The first night, our son slept in our room since he wasn’t feeling too fine so I thought he did it. I ignored it and changed the beddings. My husband didn’t react in the way he normally does if any of the children urinates on the bed. I also noticed that even though it was a Saturday when he liked to stay in bed or laze around in his pajamas, he not only took his bath but washed his clothes as well. You can imagine my shock when I discovered that it was my husband who was urinating on the bed. The first few nights, he bluntly refused to sleep in our room. He deliberately picked a fight with me, using the excuse of my son’s purported behaviour as an excuse. Soon the guest room started oozing urine. To cover up, he will take our last son along with him to sleep there. But he eventually owned up when the situation became too much for him to handle. There is no where we haven’t been to; nobody has the answer to his problem. One of the places his family took him to, I was said to be the one behind his predicament. As it is now, his family members are accusing me of being responsible for his situation and are insisting I undo whatever it is I have done to harm their son. They think I did it to make him pay for dating other women. Agatha, I am innocent. God knows I know nothing about it. Why would I go to that extent to harm him? I don’t know what to do anymore. I have prayed and fasted but his situation has remained the same. I am fed up with the whole situation. The whole house stinks as a result of it. I just want my husband to be all right. I love him. I am so confused. What can I do? Mosun. Dear Mosun, First eradicate any medical condition. Be certain that he is not suffering from any medical condition. According to my doctor friend, an infection of the bladder may make it impossible for him to control himself especially at night when he is asleep. It is the same reason children urinate on their beds in the night. In his opinion, it is obvious that the brain isn’t getting any message from that part of the body to wake him up when sleeping. Therefore insist on medical examination before considering other options. If the problem is medical, spiritual options won’t work. God who equipped pharmacists and doctors with the medical knowledge of the kinds of drugs and treatment we need from time to time to help our weak organs, repair them where necessary certainly knows what he is doing so stop applying a medication meant for headache to treat boil. It is only when doctors insist there is nothing wrong with him medically, and all his vitals are working the way they should, that you should employ the spiritual options since what happened in the past and this incident may just be a coincidence. But be that as it may, you didn’t handle the matter of your husband’s affair very well. Doubtless, you had every reason to be bitter considering the emotional pains and sense of betrayal involved in knowing your husband had being playing around but going to fight a pregnant woman wasn’t right. What if they had invited the Police in and you are currently facing murder charge? The fact that the woman lost her baby while you fought her in her state makes you responsible for the death of that innocent child she was carrying. Even though they didn’t bother to press charges against you, spiritually you have offended God. You shouldn’t have fought this woman under any circumstances. After all, she didn’t get herself pregnant. Your husband did. The normal thing would have been to confront your husband who strayed and betrayed his vows. Therefore if those you have consulted over your husband’s predicament think you are the one behind his problem, they can’t be far from the truth. Granted, you may not be directly responsible, fighting his pregnant mistress, an incident that led to the death of the foetus, makes you indirectly liable for the condition of your husband. Temper and impatience can destroy an otherwise good cause. This is where I think you should begin sourcing solutions to your problems from. The fact that the other woman’s family members, beyond coming to issue that threat, didn’t make life more difficult for you by adding legal means to what you did, is very pregnant with meaning. If you know where the woman is, go and beg her. Even though she ought to be the one begging you, the fact that you acted wrongly, out of impatience makes you the guilty one. Take elders in your family as well as your husband’s to beg her for forgiveness. Life is too deep and complex for what you did to this woman. Besides, nobody can really know the mind of our God. What appears to be right to man maybe injustice in His sight. If the laws of the land do not take kindly to fighting a pregnant woman, how much more God’s laws? The life that was lost was created by God, so it was His handiwork you destroyed. That child could have become the redeemer of your family or a world-class material in his or her chosen field. That child she was carrying was innocent of anything the father and mother did to you. The act made you guiltier than your husband. By going to beg the woman in question to forgive your act, you make yourself blameless before God. Once you beg, don’t bother if they agree to your pleas or not. Follow up by asking God Himself to forgive you and ensure that everything that incident put wrong in your family is made right. If anybody tells you not to go, that the woman got what she deserved, don’t listen or allow pride make you lose everything that gives you happiness at the end of the day. Wisdom is what governs the journey of life. Don’t allow anybody take it away from you. You need a peaceful home to train and instill proper values into your children. You need your husband to feel like a man again; to be a real husband to you and not just in a name. With his challenge, it will be difficult for him to function as a man even though nothing is wrong with him physically. If it takes asking this woman for forgiveness to restore peace in your home, please do it. Above all, don’t ever relent in prayers. There is nothing our God isn’t capable of doing. Good luck.

Re: Caught my hubby pants down with his best friend

With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626 Dear Readers, This is one story I want to share with you all. It brought tears to my eyes, but at the end of the day it has added to my experience and my hope that the marriage institution will survive the numerous problems it is facing in our contemporary world. Dear Idowu, First I want to appreciate the wisdom Agatha used in handling your issue. Having been married for over 40 years, I find her reasoning well grounded and matured. It is just your best option, and one that would pay you well at the end of the day. I can imagine some of your friends telling you to ignore whatever our dear Aunty Agatha has told you to do, but as you grow in age and experience, you will come to discover that there is nothing new under the sun. Someone has gone through your kind of experience before. What you are going through is some one’s repackaged problem. Although I am not supposed to say this, but I have with the permission of my wife to share my story with readers of this column with the hope that it will help teach young couples one or two things about the strangeness of the marriage institution. I tell this story not to demean my wife, but to give hope to any couple having one or two challenges in their marriages. By November this year, I will be 70 years of age, while my wife was 66 in March. We are blessed with four children out of who two are not mine. She was a nurse when we got married. I studied Civil Engineering. In those days, I was always away at different construction sites. I actually met her a virgin, so didn’t ever considered the fact that she might have any reason to stray. Unfortunately, while I was busy working to ensure a future for the family, she had other thoughts. After the birth of our first child, I was missing her and the baby so I told her to move down to Kaduna so we could be together. She declined insisting she preferred to stay in Lagos. Unknown to me she was having an affair with one of the doctors. This man actually fathered our set of twins. People noticed, told me, and when I came back unexpectedly, caught them on my bed. It was devastating, but when I considered the little tricks I have also been up to in my base, I decided to ignore her mistake. It was painful and humiliating for me, but I didn’t want to expose her to the wrath and mockery of family members and friends. As if that wasn’t enough, I discovered that she was to abort a pregnancy. Since it went against everything I believed in, I stopped her from doing anything to the pregnancy even though I knew it wasn’t mine. Where I got the emotional strength from, I don’t know, but somehow I managed to bury my pains to help her cope with the predicament of being pregnant for another man while still married to me. One or two persons within my family who suspected the pregnancy wasn’t mine tried, in several ways, to alert me to the possibility of my not being responsible for her pregnancy. I shut all of them up, telling them that I trusted the woman I married. Out of fear, my wife told her mother who in turn came to see me over the matter. It was at that point I became very angry with her. I told my wife she should never disclose to anyone whatever was happening in our home. I assured her mother that the pregnancy was mine. As a wise woman, she prayed and blessed me. Years later, I learnt she called her daughter aside for some serious talks. From that point, a lot of things changed in my home. My wife who until that incident was very stubborn became submissive. She became the ideal wife overnight, my interest overriding hers. Without anymore prompting from me, she packed her things and went with me to Kaduna. And was ready to go anywhere with me if I didn’t insist she stayed back when work took me to the East. Today, the twins are my joy: very intelligent and friendly. My wife dots on me like a baby. There is nothing she won’t give me, so much so the children joke about her devotion to me. I have lived to be this age because of her. Once I suffered from stroke, which left me incapable of movement. She was there full time by my side. I recovered because she didn’t leave me or made me feel like a burden. One friend of mine who had similar problem died, because the wife couldn’t withstand the burden of changing him or cleaning him when he slips on the bed. The decision I made then to forgive her mistake is today my joy. Therefore, Idowu, the sacrifices we make today are like our collaterals for tomorrow. If I had disgraced my wife, disowned the pregnancy, who would have cared for me when I needed attention the most? My first son is today a medical doctor based in the United States. He is doing very well, the twins too are there doing better. If I sneeze they catch the cold and are closer to me than their mother. Being girls, I am their idol. I get three times what they give their mother. They and their husbands don’t allow me to spend my money on anything. Doubtless decisions, as Agatha has asked you to consider, are usually painful. Then I often wondered at my sanity, especially when I have to bring out money to pay their fees or when they call me daddy when I am in my very bad moods. Looking back now, no woman would have been able to give me the kind of happiness my wife is giving me. It appears as if God used that incident to guarantee me a life of surplus happiness. Not only I have recovered fully from the stroke, I have a clean bill of health. Give your husband the chance to change his way. The fact that you caught him didn’t expose him, and still willing to continue with him in the marriage will make change. Idowu, the God we serve sometimes puts our solutions in our pains. Listen to the good counsel of Agatha. There is no limit to forgiveness because life is a broken piece of furniture. We will always get bruised by its sharp ends. The idea about life is looking for happiness and peace where thorns abound. Wipe away your tears and give your husband the strength to recover from this shame. Alfred.

Re: Caught my hubby pants down with his best friend

With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, I disagree with your suggestions that Idowu should continue with her marriage. The man is an abomination to mankind. Besides, he is a pastor. Staying with him, you would be encouraging him to pass his curse to members of his congregation. What if he begins to date another man in his church or encourage homosexuality in the church? God allowed you to find out so that you can expose this evil man. Nobody would blame you if you leave him on account of what you discovered. The Bible is clear. He is not only cheating on you but also doing it with a man, which is worse than fornication. Your children too will be cursed if you don’t allow the world know that he is a pretender, a fake pastor. The first thing you should do is to report him to the church so he can be removed from his position. Follow this by filing for a divorce. When the children are old enough, tell them the truth about their father. It will help your children know the kind of father they have. People like him don’t change; instead they find ways of enticing others into their kind of lifestyle. This is why I pity you. Don’t rule out resistance from his friend. He will fight to keep his lover. Just pack your things and leave. God will help you care for the children. After this experience what do you need a man for in your life? Don’t worry God will take charge of you. Eliza.

I’m confused about her commitment to me

With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, I met this lady in December, last year. I live in Port Harcourt while she stays in Enugu. But the distance has not stopped our daily communication. Except for some days when I am really pressed for time or have difficulties connecting with her; since December last year, I have done my best to call her everyday. She knows how much I care for her and has confessed to me that my calls have made it impossible for her not to think of me. Through our daily talks, there is no member of her immediate family that I haven’t spoken with. In addition there is nothing I don’t know about her or she, about me for that matter. But I am currently confused. Unlike when we just started, she no longer calls as frequently as she used to. In the early days, there was no day she didn’t give me a beep especially when she thought I was late in calling her for the day. The story is now reversed. If I don’t call her, she won’t bother. Recently, I put her to test by refusing to call her for three days. To my surprise she also didn’t. She simply didn’t care to find out the reason I didn’t call her. I’ve proposed to her and she has accepted, yet for more than three months now, I’ve not received a beep or even a call from her. I want to marry her, does she love me? Help! Samuel. Dear Samuel, It takes two to tango very well. There is nothing you can do if she isn’t ready to go with you anymore. From her attitude, something is undeniably wrong somewhere. Since both of you are living within driving distance from each other, why not take time off to see her at her base? Frankly there is no way your relationship can grow any further from this stage unless you both take the necessary step to help it move on. This is because there is a limit speaking to each other can go. You may both tell each other everything you think the other should know, but it is still too informal. It takes more than telephone conversations to make a marriage work. To a very large extent you are both still complete strangers to each other, figments of each other’s imagination. The personal touch we invest in relationships is what, at the end of the day, determines its workability. What a regular telephone conversation does is to help build on what is available. Since meeting each other in December, how much time have you spent together, getting to match your ideas about each other with your true persons? Ideas admittedly drive a relationship but character gives a relationship spice, flavour and passion. There is no relationship without the character of the couple coming into play. A certain amount of sacrifice is also needed to make it work. There is no way you can both move on if neither of you is ready to make that vital sacrifice needed to grow the relationship. As the man, take time out to see her, spend some time with her. No matter how many times you declare your love for her over the phone, a woman needs more assurances than hearing it on the phone. If you were outside the country, it would have been understandable, but the two of you are in the country which makes your absolute dependence on the phone unrealistic. Besides, at this early stage, other people are also involved in the success or otherwise of a relationship. This is because you are both still strangers to each other. Her friends and family members would naturally ask why you are finding it difficult to even pay her a visit, raising the suspicions that you may be married or engaged in a serious relationship. Others would wonder at the rationale of her accepting to marry a man who even though calls everyday remains a complete stranger to her. Because there is nothing solid yet between the two of you, such remarks has a way of bringing up hidden fears of the unknown. This is why you must go to her to explain and reassure her of your love as well as intentions to marry her if she will have you. Use the time to get to know her; sometimes what we think we know may turn out to be mere fallacy. As a matter of fact, both of you must make out time to know the human beings behind the mask you both wear. I ask, how much of this woman you intend to spend the rest of your life with, do you know? Beyond what she tells you about herself, can you defend her person if she gets into some kind of trouble? Sincerely, will you be able to stick out your neck for her under circumstances that appear questionable? It is even more for your sake that you should make out time to study the woman who is to become the mother of your children at close range. It is only after you have seen her and talked to her that you can make up your mind about her. But you must give her room to explain her strange behaviour as well as her reason for her apparent indifference to your presence in her life. Good luck.

I’m confused about her commitment to me

With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, I met this lady in December, last year. I live in Port Harcourt while she stays in Enugu. But the distance has not stopped our daily communication. Except for some days when I am really pressed for time or have difficulties connecting with her; since December last year, I have done my best to call her everyday. She knows how much I care for her and has confessed to me that my calls have made it impossible for her not to think of me. Through our daily talks, there is no member of her immediate family that I haven’t spoken with. In addition there is nothing I don’t know about her or she, about me for that matter. But I am currently confused. Unlike when we just started, she no longer calls as frequently as she used to. In the early days, there was no day she didn’t give me a beep especially when she thought I was late in calling her for the day. The story is now reversed. If I don’t call her, she won’t bother. Recently, I put her to test by refusing to call her for three days. To my surprise she also didn’t. She simply didn’t care to find out the reason I didn’t call her. I’ve proposed to her and she has accepted, yet for more than three months now, I’ve not received a beep or even a call from her. I want to marry her, does she love me? Help! Samuel. Dear Samuel, It takes two to tango very well. There is nothing you can do if she isn’t ready to go with you anymore. From her attitude, something is undeniably wrong somewhere. Since both of you are living within driving distance from each other, why not take time off to see her at her base? Frankly there is no way your relationship can grow any further from this stage unless you both take the necessary step to help it move on. This is because there is a limit speaking to each other can go. You may both tell each other everything you think the other should know, but it is still too informal. It takes more than telephone conversations to make a marriage work. To a very large extent you are both still complete strangers to each other, figments of each other’s imagination. The personal touch we invest in relationships is what, at the end of the day, determines its workability. What a regular telephone conversation does is to help build on what is available. Since meeting each other in December, how much time have you spent together, getting to match your ideas about each other with your true persons? Ideas admittedly drive a relationship but character gives a relationship spice, flavour and passion. There is no relationship without the character of the couple coming into play. A certain amount of sacrifice is also needed to make it work. There is no way you can both move on if neither of you is ready to make that vital sacrifice needed to grow the relationship. As the man, take time out to see her, spend some time with her. No matter how many times you declare your love for her over the phone, a woman needs more assurances than hearing it on the phone. If you were outside the country, it would have been understandable, but the two of you are in the country which makes your absolute dependence on the phone unrealistic. Besides, at this early stage, other people are also involved in the success or otherwise of a relationship. This is because you are both still strangers to each other. Her friends and family members would naturally ask why you are finding it difficult to even pay her a visit, raising the suspicions that you may be married or engaged in a serious relationship. Others would wonder at the rationale of her accepting to marry a man who even though calls everyday remains a complete stranger to her. Because there is nothing solid yet between the two of you, such remarks has a way of bringing up hidden fears of the unknown. This is why you must go to her to explain and reassure her of your love as well as intentions to marry her if she will have you. Use the time to get to know her; sometimes what we think we know may turn out to be mere fallacy. As a matter of fact, both of you must make out time to know the human beings behind the mask you both wear. I ask, how much of this woman you intend to spend the rest of your life with, do you know? Beyond what she tells you about herself, can you defend her person if she gets into some kind of trouble? Sincerely, will you be able to stick out your neck for her under circumstances that appear questionable? It is even more for your sake that you should make out time to study the woman who is to become the mother of your children at close range. It is only after you have seen her and talked to her that you can make up your mind about her. But you must give her room to explain her strange behaviour as well as her reason for her apparent indifference to your presence in her life. Good luck.

I need help with sexual intimacy

With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, What is the difference between sex and love-making? I am confused. I have read what you’ve written on the topic but I am still confused. I want to be able to make my husband happy. I don’t want him going outside our home for any fun. Please be my sex teacher. Alero. Dear Alero, There is a world of difference between sex and lovemaking. Anybody can have sex but only few people know the magic behind lovemaking. Just as it is true that not every couple know what lovemaking is. Sex is like glancing through a book while lovemaking is reading through a book and paying attention to the last details. Our interpretation of the act is what makes one stop at sex and another at lovemaking. Often times, men and women think once a man can be intimate with a woman, it makes him an expert in the act of intimacy whereas, it takes more than the actual act to make it a memorable experience. If you want to make the difference in your marriage, give freedom to your imagination to run wild. And for a woman who wants to give her husband the best, don’t pretend or be shy in telling him what you want to do as well as what you want from him. Often times, women shy away from the idea of appearing too exposed when it comes to the issue of sex. If only women realise that once in the bedroom with a man, there is no morality. A woman who seeks to keep her man in line and doesn’t want another woman taking her place must be willing to give him the full benefit of being married. Being prim and proper isn’t for the bedroom; she should be a mix of naughty and mischievous. She should be daring and bold in getting what she wants from her man. As a married woman, you must come to the full realisation that you don’t have any apologies to offer to anybody for being one. You must explore every avenue your gender, age and position as a wife provides for you to explore the mystery of sex. Perish the Sunday School teaching about sex being for procreation. It is more than that! It is both a recreational and bonding tool. It is also a weapon a wise woman uses in reminding her man where the real power in a marriage is. It is a weapon a woman should use in bringing her man to his knees whenever he strays. Women who fight over their men don’t know the power they have through love-making. So from this early stage in your marriage, make up your mind to be wild and experiment when in the bedroom with your husband. Give him something to always take away with him when going out or traveling as well as something to look forward to. Keep him guessing what the menu will be for the day. This way, he cannot predict if he is coming home to a normal session or a wild one. Don’t forget that you have been licensed to do whatever you want with him in the bedroom. Be his commercial sex worker; do what you think would make it impossible for him to look anywhere. You should do this through detailed exploration of his body, make his entire body, from his scalp to the sole of his feet your canvass. From his response you will know when you have hit target. Store the information in your memory for future use. Such knowledge is always handy when there is a disagreement in the home front. It helps, in a naughty way, to resolve issues that would have taken longer to settle. A word of warning though; good sex go hand in hand with respect. A woman maybe the best in bed but without respect for her husband, she will not enjoy her marriage. Good luck.

Friends cash in on frosty relationship to win my love

With Agatha Edo, Email: womaneditor@independentngonline.com,gataedo@yahoo.com or agatha.edo@gmail.com,08054500626 Dear Agatha, I appreciate your help on relationships. Thanks a million for all your help. Please what do I do with my friends who go after my girlfriend asking her to use the opportunity of our misunderstanding to them? The guys going after my girlfriend are all aware that we have been dating for period of four years. She told me everything my friends did and said when we made up. Please advise me on what to do to these guys. Disappointed Friend. Dear Disappointed Friend, Welcome to the true nature of life. Life is like a jungle, where you have to constantly watch your back for predators. Rather, than get angry with what your friends did, be happy that they did it because it has helped you appreciate who your true friends are. If this incident didn’t happen, you will still be under illusion that you have dependable friends, people you can count on to in times of trouble. That they did what they did is an important lesson on knowing who to trust or not. Such friends come into one’s life to remind us to depend more on God than human beings. Now that you know the kind of friends that they are, be wise on how to relate with them. Learn to be stingy with the information you give out about yourself and relationship. Also, use the time you both have to cultivate the attitude of resolving your challenges between yourselves. Your friends’ attempt to come between both of you because they realised the weak chain in your relationship; which unfortunately, you are the one. Whatever information your friends thought they could use in discrediting you where your girlfriend is concerned were got from you. It isn’t everything happening in your relationship that you or your girlfriend should tell friends. The secret of every relationship lies in the ability of the couple to settle their differences privately. It also goes to show that your friends are envious of your relationship; a good reason for you as the man to depend more in your judgment. That your friend said all those things about you underscores the carelessness in which you talk. You are lucky that your woman is disciplined else, you would have lost everything. However, this incident puts your person on the stage. What kind of friend are you? if all your friends were determined to ruin your relationship of four years, then something is really wrong too with your own person. Sometimes friends are a reflection of who we are. What kinds of friend are you to other people? Can they trust you with their women or situation? Look back to the past for explanations on what could have informed your friends’ behaviour as well as their desire to see you get hurt. Can you remember what it is? Going down memory lane will help you know how to proceed with such friends. As a matter of fact, making attempts to fight them would be giving them a reason to say they got to you. Pretend you aren’t aware of what they tried to do to you and your relationship. When around them, cuddle your woman the more, allowing them to witness the kind of deep understanding you both have been able to build over the years. There is no sweeter revenge seeing that rather than succeed in destroying you, they have only succeeded in bringing you both together. It will also help shape you into a better person. Good luck. Library on Agatha’s writings Dear Agatha, I can conveniently say that since 2008 till date that I have never missed reading your column. I have built a library of your columns. What I do is to remove your pages and pack separately so those who make use of newspapers for other things don’t use your page for those things. As a result it is easy for me to pick up one of your columns and re-read any time I feel like or the need arises. I should have reached you in person if I am in Lagos but one day I must surely visit Lagos and come to you. God must surely bless you for the wonderful work you are doing because you have settled a lot of issues that should have set some families apart. Please I need some good friends to chat as well as share ideas with. Would be happy if people contact me through this e-mail address; nwakaigwe@yahoo.com. I am lady, 39 years old, and working in a private company. Chidera.

My ex-boyfriend ruined my life

With Agatha Edo, Email: womaneditor@independentngonline.com,gataedo@yahoo.com or agatha.edo@gmail.com,08054500626 Dear Agatha, As a young secondary school girl in JSS 2 then, I had an abortion. It was crudely done by the man responsible for my pregnancy who was a first year medical student. I was very naïve then so didn’t know the implication of all the blood I lost or the gravity of what I had done. Since I grew up with my stepmother who didn’t care, I was able to deceive the family about the nature of my ill health. Over the years, I have been in and out of relationships, not getting pregnant once. Honestly, I didn’t think anything was wrong; didn’t even give any thought to it. Three years ago, I got very lucky as I met this man who didn’t listen to what anyone said about my lifestyle. Within months of our meeting, he proposed marriage. It’s been three years after our wedding and I am yet to get pregnant. Initially, he didn’t think it was necessary for us to go for medical examinations. He later changed his mind about going for medical tests when the pressure on him from his family members, particularly his parents, became too much. Ironically, the hospital we were eventually referred to is owned by my ex-boyfriend, the one I got pregnant for and who aborted the pregnancy in his first year at the medical school. The various results of my examinations revealed the abortion I had then damaged my womb beyond remedy. While my husband is accusing me on one hand of deceiving him, insisting I knew I had no womb, the man responsible for my condition says I don’t have proof that he did it. I really want to take legal actions against him because he knew he wasn’t qualified then to perform such a task. He damaged my womb but he is now one of the best in his profession. To crown it all, he is married with a family while I don’t have any child. I am very bitter and won’t rest until I extract my own pound of flesh as my husband and his family members appear determined to throw me out. How my in-laws got through to my husband, I don’t know. But he has completely bought their idea that I lived a very irresponsible life whereas, his response used to be whatever I did before we met wasn’t important. My life is in a complete mess; I just don’t know where to start. I don’t have a mother to turn to as my stepmother and her children have been waiting for my downfall. Everything is so frustrating and confusing for me. How do I go about putting all the tiny pieces of my life together? If my husband finally throws me out, there is nobody I know, I can turn to. How do I tell him the doctor he took me to was responsible for my condition? Will telling him the incident that happened when I was in JSS 2 not make him wonder what kind of life I really led? Will giving him permission to marry another woman make a difference since I can’t give him a child? Help me. Confused Woman. Dear Confused Woman, Learn to take a step at a time. No matter how intense the challenges are, patience can wear them out. Your husband hasn’t come out to ask you to go. He has only expressed a disappointment at the condition of your womb. A man who didn’t listen to public opinion about you before marrying you isn’t likely to throw you out from his home or life. However, if he is tilting towards the opinion of his people, then it shows that you haven’t done so much to endear yourself to him. This perhaps is the reason he seems to be bowing to the pressure of his family members. That he hasn’t come out to say he no longer has interest in the marriage gives you time to make amends. To be truthful, his reaction is normal. There is no man who hears his wife has a damaged womb and remain happy. If he is angry, try to understand his reason because nothing you told him prepared him for this. One thing is to have problems with child bearing another thing is to be told that the condition isn’t natural but a man-made circumstance. It is wise not to get angry or feel bad at this point in time. What is required is absolute wisdom to get past this problem in your marriage. Do everything within your powers to explain your situation to him. Let him know that you didn’t know the gravity of what you did so many years ago when you were still in secondary school. Yes, he may wonder at the level of your experiences after listening to your story, it is best you tell him everything at this point to avoid this kind of situation in your marriage in future. Had you told him at the beginning of your courtship the kind of life you lived, every major thing that happened, he would have known how to protect you from his family members. His anger may not be the news that your womb has been damaged but that you didn’t think it was important to inform him about the state of your womb when you met. For a man who obviously has a mind of his own, your action left him defenseless and opened him to the mockery of his family and friends who warned him against marrying you. Finding oneself in a situation where all those you have told to mind their business before now turn around to say, “I told you so,” can be very humiliating. This is why you must tread with care. At this point, nothing you tell him will shock him. Your husband has feelings for you but isn’t finding the situation your lack of trust in his judgment is causing both of you. Therefore calm down and make yourself indispensable in his life. Be everything a good wife should be, patient, meek and tolerant. You won’t win this battle by fighting anybody. Allow him to make the decision of whether he wants to marry another woman or not. Don’t be the one to propose it even if deep down you consider one of the sacrifices you want to make for him to be happy. The disadvantage of being the one to suggest it lies in the kind of person the woman would turn out to be. Don’t embark on a mission that people will hold you to when the situation becomes nasty. You have made a fatal mistake; don’t make another one in your bid to correct the earlier one. On the issue of telling him about the doctor and his role in your present situation, you can. While it will at least make him understand some of the issues you are trying to explain to him; however, the danger is that the doctor may deny you. This is because he knows the implication of accepting your accusation on his medical practice. It will be your words against his. Unfortunately, you don’t have the kind of reputation that can carry your story through. He could capitalise on your situation to rubbish your story. Some secrets are meant to go into the grave with one. Your marriage is still standing on a very thin thread to burden it with this one. Hand the doctor over to God. Besides, both of you share in the blame. As for your stepmother, she isn’t your God. Don’t pay any attention to her. Even if your husband tells you to leave his home, it won’t be the end of you as long as you have God. Make peace with Him now because there are no limits to His powers. Don’t forget He has the hearts of your husband and his family in His hands. If He stands by you, no matter the state of your womb, your husband will, at the end of the day, still forgive your not telling him. Perhaps this is happening for you to turn to and depend more on God than you currently are doing. Good luck.

At 38, she plans to marry man as old as her dad…

With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, I have been urging my first daughter to bring a man home for marriage. She is almost 38. Although the most beautiful of my three daughters, she appears to be the one having the most difficulties in sustaining any relationship. Men come and go. I haven’t seen a man who has stayed with her for more than six months at most. Her two younger sisters are married and have children of their own. Severally, I have heard her crying in her room, but there is nothing I can do to help her beyond praying for her. Two years ago, her father tried matchmaking her with the son of his best friend who also is unmarried at 42. We thought it would work between the two of them, but were warned in the church not to allow them continue with the relationship. Our pastor said, the boy in question has a very short lifespan and our daughter would become widowed within a month after their marriage. They had no choice, but to go their different ways. The man got married to another lady early this year and nothing has happened to him. My daughter feels very bad about it. She thinks the pastor lied about the prophecy to make way for the daughter of his relation who the boy eventually got married to. Now she is dating a man who already has two wives and from all indices has made up her mind to marry him whether we are in support of her decision or not. The father and I have done everything to make her see reasons, but nothing we say appears to be having the right kind of effect on her anymore. How do I convince her not to marry this man who in addition to having two wives is almost of the same age with my husband. A friend of mine told me to go and appeal to the man to leave my daughter alone. I am actually considering going as soon as I hear from you. Please help me. Madam Alice. Dear Madam Alice, Frankly, in her current state of mind, there is nothing you say or do now that can make her change her mind. It would take the grace of God to stop her from continuing with her decision to marry this man. At 38 and with her younger sisters all married, she feels time is not on her side. The only man that was sufficiently interested in her and who would have married her was driven away by the prophecy of a pastor. In her shoes, how would you feel especially as no man has ever been around her for more than six months at a go? This isn’t time for you or her father to insist on her not marrying the man she has made up her mind to marry. Instead, adopt diplomacy in this matter. You need to understand her pains as well as disappointments. You as woman must appreciate that until this moment she had done everything you wanted and how her obedience to your wish as pronounced by the pastor has affected her. She cannot be happy seeing the man who wanted to marry her in the arms of another woman; the man she was told would die within a month of their marriage. It would have been a different matter if the man had truly died according to the sayings of the pastor, but that he has been married for sometime now and is still alive has really complicated things for you. You must understand that she is very bitter and has lost hope in everything you, her father, and the church represent. Having done everything your way until now, she feels it is time she does things her way. Even if you are not comfortable with her decision, learn to take each day as it comes. Being her mother, you know her better than anybody. It is this knowledge you must rely on to make her listen to you. But before you even try attempting to terminate her current relationship, what alternative do you have for her? It isn’t just enough asking her to drop this man, but you must be prepared to provide her with options. For instance, you could split them by asking your daughter to change location. Sending her abroad to start life afresh is one sacrifice you and your husband can consider. It would help you achieve your desire of stopping her from making the mistake of marrying a man who already has two wives as well as create a new environment for her to meet new people. It would also remove her from immediate scene of seeing this her ex-boyfriend and his wives. This way, she would heal faster than if she remained in Nigeria. In addition, you would still be able to preserve your relationship with your daughter. As it stands now, you risk losing her love and respect by your decision not to support her choice of a husband. Offering to sponsor her trip and stay abroad would help her realise that you mean well for her and that if you could change the world to make her happy, you would since have done it. If you cannot afford a European country, you and your husband can consider an African country. She actually needs a change of environment to remain emotionally stable. Going to this man would only complicate things for you in terms of your relationship with your daughter. It is your daughter you have business with not the man. Every man has the right to desire any woman; it is usually the job of the woman to say yes or not. He proposed to your daughter and she accepted. He has not done anything out of the ordinary. The fact that you don’t subscribe to polygamy doesn’t make it wrong or illegal. Your daughter would rightly feel you are interfering too much in her life. Don’t forget that at 38, she is an adult and who by right should be in her husband’s house making her decision. The fact that she is still single doesn’t mean you should not recognise her right to her decision. She really doesn’t need your consent to marry this man because it is her life and decision. The fact that she agreed to listen to you all these years is because she is a responsible lady. The way you talk to and tailor the life of a young woman in her 20s is different from a 38-year-old woman. Stop trying to live her life for her. Granted, you are her mother, but she is also an adult and knows what is good for her. If you want to intervene, it must be done with so much wisdom and caution. This is why you must give her positive alternatives to the choice she is about to make else you would be unwittingly pushing her to the very direction you don’t want her to go. As a mother, you also need to pray your daughter into happiness. One thing is to give her an alternative to her decision; another thing is for you to pray for her. There is no doubting that from your story, your first daughter has some spiritual challenges, which you as a mother isn’t paying too much attention to. If you don’t get on your knees fast, even if she goes there, things might not really work for her. It is time you moved out of your cocoon and seek the face of God on behalf of your daughter. Look back into your family, your husband’s family for clues into her problem. What is happening to her isn’t natural. Also, find out from her if she has offended any man in the past; one who swore to deal with her. You must find out where the leak is from to enable you know what your prayer points would be. She needs your help because this battle is beyond her. It is the reason all young girls pray to have their mothers alive. Cry to God for His help. It isn’t too late for her to find her missing rib. This is a step you have to take on your own. Fast and go on personal vigil for your daughter. If God wants you to seek the help of a pastor, He would direct you appropriately. You must first get rid of her spiritual dustbin before sending her abroad or talking to her. It is very important. Good luck.

Tired of playing second fiddle to his mother…

Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, I don’t like my husband’s family one bit. His mother is arrogant while his sisters are busybodies. I have done everything in my power to make my husband stop his family from coming to our home, but he remains adamant. He is the first and only son, so he feels a sense of responsibility to his family. According to him, his mother suffered to bring him and his three sisters up after his father died while he was still in primary school. He said his father’s second wife, who was in the car with his father when he met his untimely death remarried shortly after the incident, but his mother decided not to because of her children. He said the children of the second wife who remarried aren’t doing so well. And that the man she later hooked to did not allow her to bring in the children she got from her previous marriage. He has warned me to either learn to love his mother as my own or walk out of the marriage. The fact that he is willing to sacrifice our marriage and me to please his mother is so annoying. This is a woman who will come to the house without notice or any consideration for how I feel. Most times, she turns down my food on the grounds that she doesn’t eat too much pepper on account of ulcer she had when she was still struggling to bring up her children. The most irritating is that she treats my husband as a baby simply because she claims he reminds her of her late husband, and whenever she is around she insists on cooking his special meal. At times, my husband actually asks his mother or sisters to cook him this soup. Whenever he is ill, his sisters dot on him as if I am incapable of attending to him. They will begin to ask me some funny questions, as if I am incapable to attending to my own husband. And sometimes, when they are all together and discussing, they all go into a silent mode once I come in. Whenever I ask my husband why they do that, he says the issues are personal to his sisters and their homes. Agatha, am I not part of their family too? The sisters would rather wait to tell their problems to my husband rather than tell me who is a woman like them. What more, the sisters without permission from me, would come during the holidays to take the children away with them. As a matter of fact, my husband insisted the children would attend the school owned by his immediate younger sister. Even though the school is good, I felt bad that he didn’t factor what I want for my children into his decision. I also have siblings I would want my children to spend time with, but nobody cares to consider my feelings. His last sister in school never ceases to ask for money. I feel like a complete stranger in my home. I am fed up after 12 years in this marriage. I don’t like playing the second fiddle to his mother and sisters. I want my man to myself. Is it too much to ask? Patience. Dear Patience, Precisely what do you want your husband to do? Drive away the woman who gave up her own life to see her children through the most difficult times of their lives? The woman who risked hunger to ensure your husband is the success story he is today? Where would you be if she didn’t toil to make the man you married and father of your children, your dream man? Would you have married him if he were a delinquent or a never do well man? Would you have even looked his way, let alone marrying him? Before gold becomes the beautiful and precious ornament women and men spend so much on, a goldsmith has to endure the pains of intensive heat to make it attractive. Without the sacrifices of his mother, her determination to endure whatever life throws at her for the sake of her children, you will never have met him the way you did. For the simple reason that she was able to produce a man you fell in love with, with whom you have children and has been your soul mate for 12 years, appreciate this woman. Thank goodness you are a mother too, so you have first hand experience of the pains and joy that go into rearing children. Having successful children doesn’t begin and end with bringing them into the world, as you must have found out, it takes so much from the woman to ensure her children stand out. The simple fact that she trained four children without the help and support of a man means she went the extra mile, putting in more than the average woman, more than you are currently putting into the training of your children. How would you feel if the wife of your son tells him to stop you from coming to the house simply because she feels you are eating into her space? Every mother deserves to enjoy the years of her hard labour on her children. To deny your mother-in-law of her right is simply wickedness. No matter what you think she has done wrong, accord her the chance to benefit from all her years of toil. It couldn’t have been easy for her to single handedly bring up four successful children. Even if you don’t approve of everything she does, learn to appreciate her good point. This is because like you, she isn’t perfect. We are fallen angels, hence imperfect before our God and creator. What makes the world go round is the amount of sacrifices that one is willing to invest into it. How would you feel if your brother’s wife is treating your mother the same way you are dealing with your mother-in-law? Even if she is very wicked, your love for her son can make you overlook that aspect of her, after all she isn’t staying with you on permanent basis. And from what you have said, she hasn’t done anything that you should complain about. Cooking her son’s favourite soup isn’t out of place. And as a woman who has stayed in the family for 12 years, how come you haven’t mastered the act of cooking your husband’s special meal? A wise woman would have done so long ago to appease her husband when angry. The fact that you haven’t bothered to learn something your husband likes so much underscores your general attitude towards him and those things he likes. Therefore you are the one giving your mother-in-law the chance to invade your kitchen and home to cook for her son. If you were particular about the things your husband likes, she won’t be babying her son the way she does. Furthermore, if you have tried a little bit to act your role as the wife of their only brother, your sisters-in-law would have naturally tilted to you when in trouble. Being the wife of their only brother and knowing that one day their mother would be no more, you would have been their natural choice of a confidant. Check what you are doing that is wrong with a view of making amends. Frankly, the women in this family aren’t the problem, but you. There is obviously something troubling you that you are yet to come out in the open with. Whatever it is, allow it go if you desire peace in your marriage. If they wanted you out, they would have done so since. The fact that they go about their businesses without making life difficult for you is proof that they don’t have any fundamental issue with you beyond the normal differences people have about each other. For instance, there is no big deal if your husband insists on sending his children to his sister’s school as long as the standard is good, a fact you readily admits to. Don’t forget the four of them have been through a lot and their experiences have made them so close. Any attempt by you to come between them would boomerang on you, because of all the years of being alone with their mother. He is their only son and brother, so his children are the true representatives of their family. If she isn’t complaining, why should you bother? And if you want your children to spend some time with your own family members, rather than act rudely, why not discuss your preferences with your sisters-in-law? After 12 years, you should have a kind of relationship with them that makes it easy for you and them to discuss as freely as possible. Issues like this are what new wives complain about, not a woman who has spent over a decade in her husband’s house. You should have long gone past the issues you are playing up by now. Just perish the thoughts; you cannot have this man to yourself. He is not just your husband, but their father as well. Learn to share him with his family. Good luck.