My ex-boyfriend ruined my life

With Agatha Edo, Email: womaneditor@independentngonline.com,gataedo@yahoo.com or agatha.edo@gmail.com,08054500626 Dear Agatha, As a young secondary school girl in JSS 2 then, I had an abortion. It was crudely done by the man responsible for my pregnancy who was a first year medical student. I was very naïve then so didn’t know the implication of all the blood I lost or the gravity of what I had done. Since I grew up with my stepmother who didn’t care, I was able to deceive the family about the nature of my ill health. Over the years, I have been in and out of relationships, not getting pregnant once. Honestly, I didn’t think anything was wrong; didn’t even give any thought to it. Three years ago, I got very lucky as I met this man who didn’t listen to what anyone said about my lifestyle. Within months of our meeting, he proposed marriage. It’s been three years after our wedding and I am yet to get pregnant. Initially, he didn’t think it was necessary for us to go for medical examinations. He later changed his mind about going for medical tests when the pressure on him from his family members, particularly his parents, became too much. Ironically, the hospital we were eventually referred to is owned by my ex-boyfriend, the one I got pregnant for and who aborted the pregnancy in his first year at the medical school. The various results of my examinations revealed the abortion I had then damaged my womb beyond remedy. While my husband is accusing me on one hand of deceiving him, insisting I knew I had no womb, the man responsible for my condition says I don’t have proof that he did it. I really want to take legal actions against him because he knew he wasn’t qualified then to perform such a task. He damaged my womb but he is now one of the best in his profession. To crown it all, he is married with a family while I don’t have any child. I am very bitter and won’t rest until I extract my own pound of flesh as my husband and his family members appear determined to throw me out. How my in-laws got through to my husband, I don’t know. But he has completely bought their idea that I lived a very irresponsible life whereas, his response used to be whatever I did before we met wasn’t important. My life is in a complete mess; I just don’t know where to start. I don’t have a mother to turn to as my stepmother and her children have been waiting for my downfall. Everything is so frustrating and confusing for me. How do I go about putting all the tiny pieces of my life together? If my husband finally throws me out, there is nobody I know, I can turn to. How do I tell him the doctor he took me to was responsible for my condition? Will telling him the incident that happened when I was in JSS 2 not make him wonder what kind of life I really led? Will giving him permission to marry another woman make a difference since I can’t give him a child? Help me. Confused Woman. Dear Confused Woman, Learn to take a step at a time. No matter how intense the challenges are, patience can wear them out. Your husband hasn’t come out to ask you to go. He has only expressed a disappointment at the condition of your womb. A man who didn’t listen to public opinion about you before marrying you isn’t likely to throw you out from his home or life. However, if he is tilting towards the opinion of his people, then it shows that you haven’t done so much to endear yourself to him. This perhaps is the reason he seems to be bowing to the pressure of his family members. That he hasn’t come out to say he no longer has interest in the marriage gives you time to make amends. To be truthful, his reaction is normal. There is no man who hears his wife has a damaged womb and remain happy. If he is angry, try to understand his reason because nothing you told him prepared him for this. One thing is to have problems with child bearing another thing is to be told that the condition isn’t natural but a man-made circumstance. It is wise not to get angry or feel bad at this point in time. What is required is absolute wisdom to get past this problem in your marriage. Do everything within your powers to explain your situation to him. Let him know that you didn’t know the gravity of what you did so many years ago when you were still in secondary school. Yes, he may wonder at the level of your experiences after listening to your story, it is best you tell him everything at this point to avoid this kind of situation in your marriage in future. Had you told him at the beginning of your courtship the kind of life you lived, every major thing that happened, he would have known how to protect you from his family members. His anger may not be the news that your womb has been damaged but that you didn’t think it was important to inform him about the state of your womb when you met. For a man who obviously has a mind of his own, your action left him defenseless and opened him to the mockery of his family and friends who warned him against marrying you. Finding oneself in a situation where all those you have told to mind their business before now turn around to say, “I told you so,” can be very humiliating. This is why you must tread with care. At this point, nothing you tell him will shock him. Your husband has feelings for you but isn’t finding the situation your lack of trust in his judgment is causing both of you. Therefore calm down and make yourself indispensable in his life. Be everything a good wife should be, patient, meek and tolerant. You won’t win this battle by fighting anybody. Allow him to make the decision of whether he wants to marry another woman or not. Don’t be the one to propose it even if deep down you consider one of the sacrifices you want to make for him to be happy. The disadvantage of being the one to suggest it lies in the kind of person the woman would turn out to be. Don’t embark on a mission that people will hold you to when the situation becomes nasty. You have made a fatal mistake; don’t make another one in your bid to correct the earlier one. On the issue of telling him about the doctor and his role in your present situation, you can. While it will at least make him understand some of the issues you are trying to explain to him; however, the danger is that the doctor may deny you. This is because he knows the implication of accepting your accusation on his medical practice. It will be your words against his. Unfortunately, you don’t have the kind of reputation that can carry your story through. He could capitalise on your situation to rubbish your story. Some secrets are meant to go into the grave with one. Your marriage is still standing on a very thin thread to burden it with this one. Hand the doctor over to God. Besides, both of you share in the blame. As for your stepmother, she isn’t your God. Don’t pay any attention to her. Even if your husband tells you to leave his home, it won’t be the end of you as long as you have God. Make peace with Him now because there are no limits to His powers. Don’t forget He has the hearts of your husband and his family in His hands. If He stands by you, no matter the state of your womb, your husband will, at the end of the day, still forgive your not telling him. Perhaps this is happening for you to turn to and depend more on God than you currently are doing. Good luck.