Tired of playing second fiddle to his mother…

Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, I don’t like my husband’s family one bit. His mother is arrogant while his sisters are busybodies. I have done everything in my power to make my husband stop his family from coming to our home, but he remains adamant. He is the first and only son, so he feels a sense of responsibility to his family. According to him, his mother suffered to bring him and his three sisters up after his father died while he was still in primary school. He said his father’s second wife, who was in the car with his father when he met his untimely death remarried shortly after the incident, but his mother decided not to because of her children. He said the children of the second wife who remarried aren’t doing so well. And that the man she later hooked to did not allow her to bring in the children she got from her previous marriage. He has warned me to either learn to love his mother as my own or walk out of the marriage. The fact that he is willing to sacrifice our marriage and me to please his mother is so annoying. This is a woman who will come to the house without notice or any consideration for how I feel. Most times, she turns down my food on the grounds that she doesn’t eat too much pepper on account of ulcer she had when she was still struggling to bring up her children. The most irritating is that she treats my husband as a baby simply because she claims he reminds her of her late husband, and whenever she is around she insists on cooking his special meal. At times, my husband actually asks his mother or sisters to cook him this soup. Whenever he is ill, his sisters dot on him as if I am incapable of attending to him. They will begin to ask me some funny questions, as if I am incapable to attending to my own husband. And sometimes, when they are all together and discussing, they all go into a silent mode once I come in. Whenever I ask my husband why they do that, he says the issues are personal to his sisters and their homes. Agatha, am I not part of their family too? The sisters would rather wait to tell their problems to my husband rather than tell me who is a woman like them. What more, the sisters without permission from me, would come during the holidays to take the children away with them. As a matter of fact, my husband insisted the children would attend the school owned by his immediate younger sister. Even though the school is good, I felt bad that he didn’t factor what I want for my children into his decision. I also have siblings I would want my children to spend time with, but nobody cares to consider my feelings. His last sister in school never ceases to ask for money. I feel like a complete stranger in my home. I am fed up after 12 years in this marriage. I don’t like playing the second fiddle to his mother and sisters. I want my man to myself. Is it too much to ask? Patience. Dear Patience, Precisely what do you want your husband to do? Drive away the woman who gave up her own life to see her children through the most difficult times of their lives? The woman who risked hunger to ensure your husband is the success story he is today? Where would you be if she didn’t toil to make the man you married and father of your children, your dream man? Would you have married him if he were a delinquent or a never do well man? Would you have even looked his way, let alone marrying him? Before gold becomes the beautiful and precious ornament women and men spend so much on, a goldsmith has to endure the pains of intensive heat to make it attractive. Without the sacrifices of his mother, her determination to endure whatever life throws at her for the sake of her children, you will never have met him the way you did. For the simple reason that she was able to produce a man you fell in love with, with whom you have children and has been your soul mate for 12 years, appreciate this woman. Thank goodness you are a mother too, so you have first hand experience of the pains and joy that go into rearing children. Having successful children doesn’t begin and end with bringing them into the world, as you must have found out, it takes so much from the woman to ensure her children stand out. The simple fact that she trained four children without the help and support of a man means she went the extra mile, putting in more than the average woman, more than you are currently putting into the training of your children. How would you feel if the wife of your son tells him to stop you from coming to the house simply because she feels you are eating into her space? Every mother deserves to enjoy the years of her hard labour on her children. To deny your mother-in-law of her right is simply wickedness. No matter what you think she has done wrong, accord her the chance to benefit from all her years of toil. It couldn’t have been easy for her to single handedly bring up four successful children. Even if you don’t approve of everything she does, learn to appreciate her good point. This is because like you, she isn’t perfect. We are fallen angels, hence imperfect before our God and creator. What makes the world go round is the amount of sacrifices that one is willing to invest into it. How would you feel if your brother’s wife is treating your mother the same way you are dealing with your mother-in-law? Even if she is very wicked, your love for her son can make you overlook that aspect of her, after all she isn’t staying with you on permanent basis. And from what you have said, she hasn’t done anything that you should complain about. Cooking her son’s favourite soup isn’t out of place. And as a woman who has stayed in the family for 12 years, how come you haven’t mastered the act of cooking your husband’s special meal? A wise woman would have done so long ago to appease her husband when angry. The fact that you haven’t bothered to learn something your husband likes so much underscores your general attitude towards him and those things he likes. Therefore you are the one giving your mother-in-law the chance to invade your kitchen and home to cook for her son. If you were particular about the things your husband likes, she won’t be babying her son the way she does. Furthermore, if you have tried a little bit to act your role as the wife of their only brother, your sisters-in-law would have naturally tilted to you when in trouble. Being the wife of their only brother and knowing that one day their mother would be no more, you would have been their natural choice of a confidant. Check what you are doing that is wrong with a view of making amends. Frankly, the women in this family aren’t the problem, but you. There is obviously something troubling you that you are yet to come out in the open with. Whatever it is, allow it go if you desire peace in your marriage. If they wanted you out, they would have done so since. The fact that they go about their businesses without making life difficult for you is proof that they don’t have any fundamental issue with you beyond the normal differences people have about each other. For instance, there is no big deal if your husband insists on sending his children to his sister’s school as long as the standard is good, a fact you readily admits to. Don’t forget the four of them have been through a lot and their experiences have made them so close. Any attempt by you to come between them would boomerang on you, because of all the years of being alone with their mother. He is their only son and brother, so his children are the true representatives of their family. If she isn’t complaining, why should you bother? And if you want your children to spend some time with your own family members, rather than act rudely, why not discuss your preferences with your sisters-in-law? After 12 years, you should have a kind of relationship with them that makes it easy for you and them to discuss as freely as possible. Issues like this are what new wives complain about, not a woman who has spent over a decade in her husband’s house. You should have long gone past the issues you are playing up by now. Just perish the thoughts; you cannot have this man to yourself. He is not just your husband, but their father as well. Learn to share him with his family. Good luck.