My husband is tired of our marriage

With Agatha Edo,Email: womaneditor@independentngonline.com,gataedo@yahoo.com or agatha.edo@gmail.com Dear Agatha, My marriage of 12 years is almost going down the drain. I discovered my husband is having an affair and that the lady in question is already pregnant for him. I believe this because these days, he is hardly at home. It seems he comes back because of his children. When it comes to issues concerning his children, he goes out of his way to make them happy. He has never stopped accusing me of being the problem in the marriage. There is nothing I do that appears right in his opinion. If he doesn’t accuse me of being laid back, a bad example of what a mother should be, he says my friends are the ones influencing me to be rude to him and to treat our marriage with little or no respect. He is always finding ways to condemn me since we got married. For instance, he calls my insistence of having two housemaids an unnecessary indulgence. Even though my housemaids are very good cooks and excellent housekeepers, he would still find ways of complaining. I try my best but it appears he doesn’t find my best good enough for him. If I go to a party with my friends, he says I don’t spend enough time with the family. I have repeatedly tried to make him understand that I grew up in a home where housekeepers attended to the home. Whether my mother was in or not, the house-helps cooked our meals. My father never complained about it; never sulked when my mother left us to attend a party with her friends for days. I really don’t understand why my husband can’t stop complaining or the reason he is giving for making another woman pregnant. Granted when we were dating, I was contented being in his company but I simply cannot stay indoors all the time. The fact that he has bought a car for this other woman shows that she must be using some sort of charm on him. From my friend who is the woman’s neighbour, I am told that my husband dotes on her and that she is this kind of woman who cooks and washes his clothes. I am really considering going to fight the woman because nothing I say or do now makes sense to my husband. The worst thing is that he is daring me to do my worst. When my mother called him to ask him if what I said about him impregnating another woman is true, he didn’t bother to deny it. He said I pushed him to it because I was never at home and never gave him the kind of home he desired. He also accused me of being lazy and dirty. There was nothing he didn’t tell my mother including not knowing how my food tastes as a wife. Two of my friends have gone to harass the woman on my behalf. Although I denied knowledge of it when my husband confronted me. The issue now is, I want him back and I’m willing to change if only he will look my way. I am not as interested in my former lifestyle as I am now in recovering my marriage. The funny thing is that my mother insists on following me to go and fight the other woman. Deep down, after listening to my mother’s elder sister who has never approved of my mother’s way of life, I want to make my marriage work all of a sudden. How do I go about it? Mariam. Dear Mariam, The first thing is to sit back and re-organise your life with a view of knowing what to do and what to do away with. One thing is to realise that you need to make your marriage work, another thing is to be convinced that you really want to stay in the marriage. If for 12 years, you have consistently ignored the desires of your husband and have done things your way, how do you plan to sustain your current desires to make your husband work especially now that he has another woman in his life? Be warned, that this battle isn’t going to be easy because those things you didn’t do that were important then, she has invested in your husband. Now you have to work thrice as hard to get your husband back than you would have if you listened to the complaints of your husband all these years. It is unfortunate how most of us begin to show appreciation for our spouses only after we have allowed them slip through our fingers through our carelessness. Although your husband broke his vows to you, from all that you said, you pushed him into the choice he made concerning this other woman. What man would experience care, compassion, respect and attention from a woman and not go for her? What man would leave a woman who cooks good food for one who doesn’t care if he eats or not, and isn’t bothered about the kinds of food he eats? That your husband is responsible, irrespective of this other woman getting pregnant for him is evident in him not sleeping with any of the housemaids you employed to perform your role of cooking his meals, washing his clothes and possibly making his bed. Not many men would let such tempting opportunities pass them by. The fact that he didn’t, went out of his home to have another woman to play the role you refused to play is evident of the kind of respect he has for you. If the truth must be told, you were the one that broke his heart first. What kind of wife and mother are you if your family cannot say when last they tasted your food? What kind of example are you offering your daughters when they grow up to be like that in their own homes? As you must have found out, your mother’s examples are the worst kind any mother can offer her daughter. Unfortunately, you are the one suffering her shortcomings as a mother. Whether you like it or not, her examples made you lose sight of your importance in the home as well as duties to your husband. Perish the thoughts that this other woman used charms. The woman knew and recognised your husband’s needs and went for it. She knew her onions as a woman. What you should do if you truly want him back is to first go back to acquire the skill of cooking, housekeeping as well as the right attitude. Follow this, by distancing yourself from some of the friends who aided you in destroying your home. Sincerely, you don’t need friends who prefer parties to their homes. Also, discourage your friends from going to fight the other woman; it will only complicate things for you. Your mother also should be kept out of your marriage. She should face her own marriage. Let her know that you are now determined to navigate your own canoe without any help from her. Since he still comes to the house, ensure whenever he comes, he finds you at home. Use your children as your spokespersons. Let them tell their daddy the change in your attitude, including how good a cook you are. When he comes, rush into the kitchen to make him a meal that will help him remember the early days of your relationship. You need something to remind him of the nascent days of your relationship. Because the issues weren’t created in one day, you have to be patient in your quest for solutions and happiness. As long as you are determined to make it work, bear the initial setbacks that are bound to come with wisdom. Back whatever efforts you are making with prayers. God is the only one that can make him come back to you. It is only after you have won back your husband, you should together discuss the other woman and baby. Whatever decision you make, consider her presence in your lives as a price you have to pay for all your mistakes of the past. If you are truly determined, refusing to listen to wrong counsels from your mother or friends, your marriage will survive. The choice is really yours. Good luck.