Our driver harasses me sexually…

With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com,Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, Since I have been in Junior Secondary School, our driver has been sleeping with me. He can and get away with it, because not only do I enjoy it but also my parents aren’t always around to supervise what I do with my life or time. Being an only child, I am practically at home with the housekeeper and the driver. The housekeeper who doubles as my nanny isn’t also always around as she has her life to live, so I am most of the time with the driver. Because he has been with us for a long time, my parents trust him. Severally, I have aborted pregnancies for him. Now I have finished my secondary education and waiting to enter into the university. I am ready for other relationships, but this man has refused to let me be, going to the extent of reporting me to my parents anytime he sees me with other boys my age. He has threatened that he will only let go of me when he is tired of the relationship. My friends all notice how he behaves towards me prompting my best friend to ask if there was anything going on between us. Although I deny having anything to do with the man, but his action is giving me a lot of concern. Recently, he slapped the elder brother to my friend who came to ask me out. It was very annoying, but the truth is that I cannot say anything to either my nanny or parents because of my relationship with him. I feel caged by his overbearing attitude and don’t know how to handle it. These days he practically rapes me. Whenever I refuse his advances, he either forces himself on me or threatens to tell my parents about us. The worst thing is that I cannot tell anybody what is happening to me. I feel like sexually enslaved by him. The worst thing is that he is married, but he hardly goes home, practically stays in our boy’s quarters. The story he told my parents is that he lives far off. And whenever he is taking me to school or out, he goes to his house at Shomolu. I don’t know what kinds of excuses he gives his wife, but she always comes out to greet me and ask after my health. I am beginning to have this suspicion that he may be lying to her that I am ill or something. He is capable of anything as long as he has access to my body. Most of my pocket money, he takes from me. At times he makes me demand for money I don’t need from my parents. Early this year, I attempted suicide. Fortunately for my mother, she found me before the drugs I took had any effect. She thought I was pregnant but when the results came out negative, she thought it was to get her attention. She and my father made up their minds to increase my allowances to appease my demand that I be sent abroad. Being their only child, my mother in particular doesn’t want me schooling abroad. I don’t know if this man is using juju or something but he is about the only man my parents trust me with. I am fed up and want the freedom to be my own person as well as stop what I am doing with him. I don’t have anyone to talk to. Do you think I should tell my nanny? Please help me, Agatha. Irene. Dear Irene, If you want to stop, you can. This man cannot continue to keep you a prisoner of his desires once you make up your mind to end the ill conceived relationship. This man is taking advantage of you because he thinks you won’t be able to walk up to your parents to report him. The moment he realises that you really can damn the consequences to informing your parents all that have been happening behind them all these years, he will stop harassing you to submit to him. He is using the technique bullies and blackmailers use in preventing their victims from getting freedom from their clutches. No matter the kinds of mistake you have made, he lacks the right to force you to continue to dance to his tune. Let him realise that you may have enjoyed his company way back but you no longer want him. And that, if he insists you and him will continue to be an item, you will have no choice but to tell your parents what has been happening behind them. Even though you didn’t give details on how you both started this affair, it won’t hurt if you come up with a little blackmail of your own; warn him that you are quite capable of telling your parents that he has been raping you against your will. Besides, by now you should be able to fight him to a standstill unless of course you are also enjoying his attention. One thing is to desire freedom from him, another thing is for you to be serious about your desires. There is no way this man can continue to force you to sleep with him if you are not in some ways complacent. He is getting away with it because you have allowed it to become a way of life for you. Granted, what you are doing with him goes against the norm but there is nothing you do that can erase that past. Therefore, it is for you to gather the pieces of your life and move on. If at this stage in your life, you have become one man’s emotional dustbin, what will happen to you when you are old and unable to attract the attention of men? Honestly, there is nothing to lose anymore at this point for you. That examination you have when you contemplated suicide must have revealed to your mother that you are already sexually active. So it won’t come as a total surprise to her if you open up to her. Telling your nanny won’t solve the problem or make him stop. This is as a result of your nanny’s conduct while your parents are out of the house. Chances are that your nanny too is either being blackmailed by this man to pretend she knows nothing or that she is part of the plans to continue to milk your parents through you. If the driver has been having sex with you for as long as you say, she cannot pretend she isn’t aware. If your friends who don’t stay with you are suspicious of the kind of relationship that exist between you and your driver, how much more your nanny who should know your every mood and movement? As an adult who is always around the house, she would know but is pretending for whatever selfish reasons she may have. Knowing her job would be on the line if you tell your parents about all that have been going on behind them; she certainly will discourage you informing them about the sexual abuse the driver is subjecting you to. No matter how busy or bad the situation is your mother is the right person to tell. Besides, it will help her realise the gravity of the mistake she is making with you. It will teach your mother to focus on what is more important to her in life. While she has the right to pursue her career, leaving you at the mercy of the driver is all wrong. Make it a mother-daughter talk, at least for now. First give her the opportunity of telling your father or dealing with the situation on her own. Frankly, the fault isn’t the driver’s at all. Your mother’s choice is responsible for the mess you are in now. Had your mother devoted some time to your person, interest and well-being, there is no way the driver would have had all the freedom in the world to so entrench himself in your life. Slapping your friend’s brother as well as his open antagonism of any male admirer underscores his contempt and assumed freedom over you. Only the authority of your parents can stop him. Perhaps hearing what has been happening could persuade your mother to send you abroad for the time being. It will help you a great deal in overcoming your challenge as well free you from being the sex slave of this man. Telling your parents would also help protect your life because this man is capable of doing anything, including killing you if he perceives you slipping off his grip. Such people are capable of anything. A man who can abandon his family, lie about where he stays, to make your parents give him the boy’s quarters, he can kill you and disappear into the thin air. Your threats to tell your parents will only work for a while. He would device another means if you don’t make good your threats immediately. You have to expose this man for who he is, and immediately too. The fact that you are your parents’ only child makes you an easy target for both this man and your nanny to exploit or harm. What he is doing to you now is part of a longterm plan to destroy your life. Be wise and help your parents realise that thing that is more important than money to them. Your freedom from this situation lies in your ability to fight for your rights and self-respect. Good luck.