My stepson ‘feasts’ on my daughter

Dear Agatha, I have this huge problem. I am so confused and don’t know what to do about it. I discovered recently that my stepson has been sleeping with my nine-year-old daughter. The boy in question is 16. I actually walked in on them one night when I had reason to go to their room unannounced. Unfortunately, my husband was out of town, so I was the only one left to deal with the issue. And what frightened me was that my daughter appeared to be enjoying it. According to my daughter, it had been going on for sometime now. They share the same room, since we live in a two-bedroom apartment. My daughter told me it started one night while the father and I were away. She said they watched a film together where two adults were kissing and doing funny things together. My investigations revealed he got the film from his friend in the next compound. My husband is naturally very angry about it, but my major problem now is that the boy is still living in the house with us. Despite my insistence that the boy leaves, my husband appears unable to make a firm decision. I have threatened to quit the marriage unless his son leaves my house. What should I do, as my children and I cannot stay in the same house with the boy? My husband says if he were my son, would I send him away? But the issue is that he has destroyed my innocent daughter. I am also considering reporting the matter to the police, since my husband appears unable to take a decisive action. The boy blames it on the devil; but my fear is, if nothing is done to make him pay for what he has done to my daughter, he will do it to another innocent child. Worried Mother. Dear Worried Mother, You are right to be apprehensive. As long as the two of them continue to stay together in the same house and room, there is no stopping them from doing it. It is unfortunate that such a thing is happening in your home and marriage. Sincerely, there is no easy way out of this because your daughter has to be protected at all costs. Her entire life and psychological well-being rest on you. This is the time she needs you the most. Since your husband appears unable to take a firm decision concerning his son, you may have to, for now, take your daughter out of the house; perhaps a girls’ boarding school, as a way out of the impasse. Your husband is unable to take a firm decision because the children involved are his. Like you, he is in a fix and only bidding his time. Telling him to send the boy away may appear harsh to him. With him in this mood and feeling that your demand that he sends his son away, it would be a futile exercise to insist on anything at this point in time. The matter is extremely hot to try to force a decision on him. I honestly understand how you feel, but give him time to make up his mind while you take all steps to help your daughter live a normal life. Once your daughter is out of the house, be assured that he would want the matter revisited, since your daughter cannot live outside her father’s house permanently. One of the ways this matter can be resolved is for the boy to be sent to school and, while on holidays, stay with his mother. If his mother is dead, he can stay with any of his relatives. If he has to stay at home, ensure your daughter isn’t at home. The need to keep them apart is because sex is addictive. If together, the temptation will always be there for them to do it all over again. This is so because she has gotten used to it to the point of enjoying the act. Granted, you caught both of them in the act, but it would be hard to prove that he really violated your daughter. From her account, it could be either way, something both of them wanted and did out of curiosity at first. If you report to the police and, under interrogation, she says the boy didn’t force himself on her, what would you do? Your concern should rather be on her own acceptance of the act as an enjoyable one. This is where you should concentrate more efforts, because this is where the danger and challenge really is. At every opportunity you have, draw your daughter close and make the effort to discuss with her as an adult. Unlike other girls her age, she has experienced sex and taken a liking to it. Now, it isn’t a matter of how she got introduced to it, but her attitude to it. Sad as it may appear and sound, her case has gone beyond rape to that of management of her own desires as a woman. To ignore this fact is to mortgage her future. She needs you to help her come to terms with what happened to her as well as manage her desires in such a way she is able to live a normal and healthy life. A lot of issues may later develop from this incident, and if you are not on top of it, you may find yourself in particular living in the pains of your discovery forever. To be of immense help to your daughter, you must resist bitterness or making any harsh decision on this matter. One of them is to transfer your growing hatred for the child to your husband and marriage. Don’t forget that the girl involved is his daughter, just as the boy is his son. No father prays to witness his children sleeping with each other. Both of you are allowing the pains of your discovery get the better of you. You are both not fair to yourselves and children. If you allow your marriage to crash, the burden would be too much for you and your daughter to shoulder. For her, it would always be at the back of her mind that she had something to do with the failure of your marriage and you will never be able to move on due to the burden of guilt, hatred and bitterness that would take over your life. You need your husand, as much as he needs you. Besides, you also need to find out from the boy why he did what he did. While I am not trying to justify what he did, he also needs help. If nothing is done to help him out of the abyss he is headed, he risks being condemned forever. Let him see a psychologist, to enable him understand the gravity of what he has done as well as the danger of this act to his future. If you report him to the police, you also would be exposing your daughter to undue publicity, the ridicule and gossip of those you think are your friend. It may not matter now, but all these would come to play some day when she is ready to settle down. Gossips have a way of giving new flesh to already dry bones when they are out to make life miserable for someone. It is this future you should consider in the case of your daughter. No matter how civilised we get, this kind of incident everywhere in the world is a stigma. The woman is the one left to protect her reputation. Every family has its skeleton to hide. This is your own family secret. Another thing you can do is to seek the mother out if she is still alive. Get her involved. She may have just the right answer to this deadlock in your home. If she agrees to take her son, care for him and make him responsible, you won’t need to put your daughter in a boarding school. Although this lesson is costing you so much, it isn’t right after a while to keep boys and girls in the same room these days. There is too much information at the disposal of today’s children. They can access whatever kind of information they want straight from the internet through their phones or computer. Many of them may be innocent physically, but their minds are more matured than even those of their grandparents. It is the power of advanced technology and free information. Leaving a 16-year-old boy with a nine-year-old girl alone in a room was too much of a risk, even if they are your children. Some young girls at that age have started to sprout. It is always best to err on the side of caution than regrets. This is the reality of modern life. Another thing you may not want to hear now is, how well have you treated this boy? Chances are, if you are the kind of stepmother who doesn’t treat her stepchildren well, that it could have been pre-planned to hurt you back. It is sad that the man gets blamed when issues like this happen, but it could just be the fault of the girl too. Honestly, you have a huge task ahead of you to find out what the whole story is. It would really help you resolve so many issues you have been blind to in your home. Be brave to face whatever comes out of it with the maturity this issue deserves. Good luck.