My mother-in-law denies me access to my daughter, wife

With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, There is this lady that I started dating about three years ago. She is from Akwa Ibom. When she got pregnant for me in our first year of dating she could not tell her mother till the pregnancy was three months old. Even then, she was still contemplating aborting the pregnancy until I walked up to her mother to inform her about the pregnancy. She was naturally very angry because at that time she was running a diploma programme. After a lot of pleas and promises that I will take care of her daughter, she agreed but never hid her displeasure about the whole development. I was asked to bring two goats and other things for the pregnancy after which our families went through a formal introduction ceremony. It was only after this, that my woman and I could live together as man and woman. I promised to complete all the traditional wedding rites but my business crumbled after our daughter was born.   As a result, I started nagging and would starve her when she provokes me for that day. After sometime, she left the house for her mother’s place; that was when it dawned me on that I have really wronged her. So I went to beg but she insisted I should go and beg her mother first. I didn’t hesitate to do as she demanded. After several days, she came back home but she was not the same woman that left my house. This new woman she had become was determined to tussle power with me to the extent she would starve me of food for up to two weeks just because we had a fight and when we run out of foodstuff, she would demand for money for food without any apology and remorse. In this particular instance, I refused to give her feeding allowance for a week. One day I came back from work and discovered to my surprise that she had packed all her belongings including that of my daughter. I was perplexed by her actions that I went the next day to report the incident to her mother. From her reactions, she wasn’t so surprised by my visit and what I had to say because they were with her. Till date they are still with her. I subsequently went to my lawyer to seek legal advice. He told me to ignore her for one year. I tried to stay away from her and our daughter but since I was missing my child so much I visited after three months. But something terrible happened as her mother accused me of trying to steal my daughter. I had to fight my way to see my child. Agatha, I am tired of all these nonsense but I am scared for my daughter’s future. I don’t want to report this case to court or welfare, though I’m ready to accept her back if she so desires. But I won’t beg her because I didn’t send her away. What do you suggest?   Ike Michael Dear Ike Michael, Patience! Obviously there are some very fundamental issues in your union. The first being, you didn’t set out to marry each other but were forced into it by the accident of her getting pregnant. The second issue in your marriage is your lack of maturity, in the handling of attendant marital challenges that followed the collapse of your business investment. A man isn’t supposed to nag or deny his wife and child food. By starving her of food anytime she offends you, you are unwittingly eroding whatever kind of respect she may have for you as well as destroying the chances of survival of your marriage. Unfortunately, when you starve her of food, your child is also affected since she depends on the mother for food. Though she didn’t act right by coming back to pay you in your own coin but a wise man after everything that has happened would find ways of cementing the cracks in his home rather than heat up the already bad situation. Stubbornness doesn’t resolve marital problems, which is what is at work in your home. For this very union of yours to work, you and your woman must factor in the interest of that child who had nothing to do with your decisions to bring her into the world. Deep down you really care for her; just hurt by her attitude. She also cares for you but certain things have really gone wrong. I don’t know the efforts you have made to get her to continue with her studies. If you didn’t make any efforts to send her back to school, that could cause the displeasure of her mother who from the very beginning didn’t hide her desire to see her daughter complete her education. It could also be the basis for her change in attitude towards you, as she didn’t begin by being stubborn. I am sure if you managed your temper and frustration when your business went down, all these wouldn’t have happened. By right, should have been the one nagging and denying you food. But that she didn’t. She was rather compassionate with you until it got to a point she couldn’t take it anymore. Honestly, there is the need for you to clear the cloud about your real feelings for her. Don’t forget your decision to marry her came about as a result of the baby just as your desire to have her is based on your missing child. So where does she stand in all these? What is your true feeling for her? Be honest with yourself at this vital point because a lot of time, we make the most terrible mistakes of our lives by being lying about what we really need. You may get away with it now, but life has a way of reminding us of these mistakes every opportunity it gets. Before you can resolve this problem, you must first come to full acceptance of what you really feel for this woman. If you really love her, no sacrifice would be too much for you to make for both of you to find happiness. Every relationship deserves a chance to heal from its wounds inflicted by misunderstanding and mismanagement of issues. If you didn’t begin the process of hurting her, the way you did, chances are she may not have desired retaliation. A time would come when the things you count as being of importance to you will cease to be so, when you will look back and ask yourself why you acted the way you did. By then it would be too late to make amends. Having known her for three years, what do you really think about and feel for her? Do you think she has the qualities of being a good wife? These are more important than the issues you place on your front burner. Don’t forget that you are not the only man interested in her; someone else may just be waiting in the corner to grab her from your hands. This is why you must urgently consider your options before it is too late. Don’t allow pride stand between you and your ultimate happiness in life. There is plenty of time to play the boss in her life. There was no one between the two of you the day you met each other and the decision to consummate your relationship. Therefore, resist third party intervention. From all you have said there is nothing that cannot be changed if you as the head take the necessary steps of assuring your woman that you care so much for her with or without the baby. She is holding tightly to the baby because your conduct has made it obvious that you love your baby more than you do her. Remember, hell has no fury like a woman who is scorned. Your attitude to her is like rejecting her hence is ready to use the one person you care so much for to hurt you. This is the kernel of your problem with her. Once you are able to talk things over with her, it won’t matter so much what her mother says. The lesson embedded in all these for you, is one of wisdom. Learn to be more matured in the handling of your home. There is nothing patience cannot achieve; deploy it well in your marriage. No matter how strong willed she is, she will eventually change. Your lawyer is buying you time to make up with your family. Commit your plans and relationship to God at all times. Good luck.