I beat up my husband’s mistress, now he’s married to her

With Agatha Edo, Email: womaneditor@independentngonline.com, gataedo@yahoo.com or agatha.edo@gmail.com Dear Agatha, How do I handle this problem that is threatening to tear my home apart? Last month, with the help of some of my friends, I went to the house of my husband’s mistress to beat her up. The result is my husband’s decision to marry her as his second wife and bring her to live in the same compound with us. He has started clearing the vacant flat downstairs for her to move in. He says since I have gone to unearth what he kept secret from me out of respect, he no longer has a reason to keep the other woman outside. In fact he has gone with his friends and family to pay her bride price. Perhaps the worst kind of betrayal is from one of my friends, the one who urged me on to fight the other woman. She accompanied my husband for the ceremony. She is the wife of his best friend and whom I learnt recently is also contending with the existence of a mistress in her own marriage. She knew about her husband’s girlfriend but never went to fight her; rather she kept her cool, pretending she didn’t know anything. Since the incident happened, she has kept her distance from me and is actually joining her husband in castigating my action. It was even her car my husband’s mistress used in packing some of her things into the house. I really don’t know what to do because right now, I feel like strangling her and my husband. Sometimes, I feel that someone is using juju to discredit my person. I have been married for 12 years and have managed to keep my home. Although my husband from the beginning has been complaining about my attitude to things, he has nevertheless managed me; so why now that things are looking very good for both of us and he is an honourable member of our state house of assembly? I have always had a temper and been extremely jealous and he has always been aware of these facts. If at all I have done anything wrong, shouldn’t I be reprimanded instead of him marrying another woman? In my own way, I have been a very good and dutiful wife to him. I am all alone; not even my siblings are supporting me. My parents are dead. My elder sister was recently awarded a big contract through my husband’s influence so she is also keeping her distance from me. He is also responsible for the welfare of my other siblings. In fairness to him, he is caring. Despite the latest development, he hasn’t denied me anything. Just last week, he bought me a brand new car for my birthday. I give it to him, he is a good man. But, I don’t want to share him at all. I want him all to myself. I am very upset about all that is happening to me. I feel like beating her up all over again. Unfortunately, there is no one to trust with my feelings, anger and sense of betrayal. I am hurting so much because I love my husband with all my heart. He is my world. Worried Wife. Dear Worried Wife, Please resist the urge to fight your husband’s second wife. Remember she isn’t his mistress anymore but his wife. You may not like her, the situation or circumstances but, she has the same status as you do in his life as well as the same rights. The fact that she is a new member of the family puts you at a very great disadvantage. Even if she is the one at fault, the fact of your position as the first wife, a hurting one for that matter who is known by everybody to be jealous and troublesome would make you guilty in the views of the world. You have done enough harm already; don’t complicate things for yourself by fighting her again. This is fate already accomplished. Except God decides otherwise, this woman has come to stay by your own foolishness and foul temper. Your attitude gave your husband the impetus to bring her home; a decision he wouldn’t have taken if you had not gone to disgrace and expose him to his political enemies. Granted, he is wrong but you are even more wrong for going to the house of the other woman to fight her with your friends. Two wrongs have never been known to produce positive results. What if the other woman had stripped you and a photojournalist was around to take pictures of you in that state for onward publication? How would you have explained the situation to the world? Do you think the publication would have aided or destroyed your husband’s political career? As the wife of a public officer, you are expected to be above board; to apply restraints even in the face of extreme provocations while in public. Besides the affair over which you went to fight is personal to you and your husband, something you could have tackled in the privacy of your home and not in public. By your actions, you have succeeded in devaluing your husband before his subjects. You also offended those who before now had sympathy for you. This perhaps informed the decision of your husband to bring the other woman home as his second wife so you won’t have the need to go and disgrace him anymore. That he didn’t throw you out, bought you a new car on your birthday, underscores his love for you. His decision to take a new wife maybe extreme but it is an indication that you have a lot of work to do on yourself and home. I know how you feel exactly but you will only be hurting yourself in more ways than one by dwelling on the past and the event that brought her home officially. The thing now is to move on by going back to the drawing board to re-plan your marriage and relationship with your husband. Don’t forget that his attention now is divided between you and his new wife. The earlier you accepted this fact, the best for you. You now have another woman sharing your space, so things have to be done differently to remain relevant in his life. The first place to begin is your temper. There is nothing one cannot change if determined to. This temper of yours has caused you so much. It is time to banish it from your life. The best revenge for the kind of friends you have is to ensure you remain in the marriage. Rather than fight her, go on your knees and ask God for help in controlling your impulsiveness. Tell Him to make you a better person, the kind of woman who is supportive, understanding, respectful and wise when dealing with her husband. Going to publicly fight his mistress shows that you don’t care about his career or his position in the society. A wise woman knows what not to do, no matter what. The truth is that men will be men especially a successful politician like your husband. If you keep exhibiting temper and jealousy at every woman seen with him, you will end up choking him out of existence. For now, ignore the existence of the other woman and work at winning him back. You have to daily give him reasons to value and appreciate your presence in his life by being his friend and number one supporter. Strive to make the home peaceful for him and the whole family. Although he has resolved this matter in his own way, still go and apologise to him. Where you once used force, be humble now. It won’t take anything from you to say sorry. It is a start for the complete healing of your home. Overtime, find ways of being cordial with the other woman. As a matter of fact, you have to take this step to water down the influence of your former friend in all your lives. Such people should be kept out of your home because she can do more harm than she has already done. Honestly, the way you handle this challenge will go a long way in determining the success of your home as well as the happiness of your children. This is the time for you to play the role of a mother more than that of a wife until your home stabilises. It is the price you have to pay for allowing friends determine your life for you. Depend more on God for counsel than friends. Good luck