Can I be my lecturer’s lover?

With Agatha Edo, Email: womaneditor@independentngonline.com, gataedo@yahoo.com or agatha.edo@gmail.com Dear Agatha, A young lecturer in my department is interested in dating me. Though he is nice and claims to be single, he has this reputation of being a womaniser. I don’t want to get hurt. Besides, I don’t want people to query my certificate. What do I do? I am confused and I need your help. Vina. Dear Vina, Although there is no law prohibiting romance from developing between a single lecturer and his female student, the motive of the relationship has to be right and well focused. What is his interest in you? To sleep with you for the fun of it simply because he is in the position to extract revenge if you don’t by failing you in his course or he sees you as a young and promising woman he has interest in? It is also a function of what you want from life and your vision of the kind of man that will help you to achieve these dreams in life. If he wasn’t your lecturer, would you date him? Do you consider him worthy of your attention and feelings? Be real with yourself at this important point of your life. In plain English, do you have any kind of feelings for him and simply scared of giving it freedom to fly because he is your lecturer? Granted, being a womaniser is bad news for any woman wishing to date a man, however, a clear understanding between the two of you can straighten this rough edge. It is a matter of knowing where your individual limitations are and the motive for entering into the relationship. That you are dating a lecturer doesn’t automatically nullify your certificate in the eyes of the world or makes you a subject of gossip. A lot depends on how responsible you both are and the caution you apply to your affairs. If his intention is to marry you at the end of your course, there is no way he would allow you to play with your studies. Often than not, gossips and questions come about from the kind of attitude the woman at the centre of such sensitive relationship puts up. If you are an exhibitionist, it will attract unnecessary attention and interest in your private affairs. But if you are able to handle it maturely by knowing when to make your affair private as well as when to make it public, nobody will make an issue out of a student dating a young lecturer in search for a life partner. If you really think there is a possibility, listen to what he has to say but be clear on certain things you want. But a word of caution here, don’t assume you know what he wants from you. Give him the chance to explain what he has in mind. Thereafter, make obvious from the beginning that your reason for dating him. Also, he has to do away with all his excess loads. And the only way you can be sure is to insist that until you graduate, there will be nothing intimate between both of you. This way, you will be able to correctly tell what his real interest in you really is. If he agrees to a sex-free relationship, nothing should stop you from following your heart. In life, our individual happiness is very essential. Don’t live your life for others because what works for some people may not work for others. The only barrier here is you. If you like him, begin by being friends. And if you don’t, explain your reasons for not wanting to be part of his life. Make it clear to him that inasmuch as you like and respect him as a person, you don’t have the kind of feelings to enter into a romantic relationship with him. Let him know that the feelings have to be right before you allow any man into your space or occupy your heart. Let him know that it is nothing personal. Plead with him that you wish you could manufacture the feelings to give him what he wants. If he now insists on victimising you for turning him down, go to God in prayers for directions on how to handle the situation. There must be one or two persons close to him you can report him to. Do that and if it fails to achieve the desired result, threaten to report him to the authorities should he award you low marks. On your part, fight back with your intelligence and self-confidence by studying to pass very well. Only excellent grades can authenticate your story of sexual molestations against him should he take that path. Furthermore, having the right kind of conduct will make it difficult for him to turn the case against you. Good luck.