How do I prepare my daughter for marriage?

With Agatha Edo, Email: womaneditor@independentngonline.com, gataedo@yahoo.com or agatha.edo@gmail.com Dear Agatha, I am an orphan who grew up in a motherless babies’ home. According to records, my mother abandoned me by a dustbin where I was found. I didn’t particularly like life at the motherless babies’ home but I didn’t have a say in the matters concerning my life. Fortunately, I went to school, got a job and left the home to be on my own. I was able to further my education to the university level. My first attempt at a relationship got me pregnant. Unfortunately, my partner died before he could introduce me to his family. Since I had a good job, it wasn’t difficult for me to fend for my daughter and myself. She became the centre of my world, especially as she looked like her father. After the birth of my daughter, I was able, through the help of his best friend, to locate his family. His parents were very nice and accepted the child without too much questions. According to them, they didn’t doubt the paternity of the child since she reminded them so much of their dead son. They took care of the child and I as best as they could. When the dad died, being their only child, they passed on everything they had to her. I didn’t marry because I wanted her to have the best of my love and care. I didn’t want her to feel loneliness like I did when I was her age. I wanted her to be very happy and secured; something I may not be able to give her should I marry. Now, she is about to marry and this is the area I need your help. It has always been the pair of us. I don’t know anything about marriage or what it entails for it to be very successful. I have done my best as a mother to train her to be responsible but there is the fear in my heart that I haven’t done enough to prepare her for this particular task of being a wife. I am very independent-minded and have taught her to be too. But something tells me deep inside that this may not be too good for the well being of the home. I know my child; she can be very irrational and argumentative, but she is an angel inside. How do I prepare her for the institution? What do I tell her, given the fact that I have never experienced matrimony? I want her to be a good wife and mother to her family. She is 27 and her wedding is on July 28. Please, help me make my girl’s home happy. I don’t want anybody saying she failed because she is a product of a single parent. I want her to keep whatever you say as a treasure. Incidentally, she is a great fan of yours; hence I plan to bind all the copies of your Marriage Clinic into a form of book for her as a wedding gift. Enitan. Dear Enitan, You come across as a very good and reasonable mother; an assurance that you have given her the right foundation to be a good wife to her husband. It is immaterial if you have been married or not. Motherhood is about helping our children value life in the right ways. Your concern demonstrates this fact. With your kind of mother, I doubt if she would make the mistake many young girls make concerning the management or otherwise of their homes. Every woman desirous of enjoying the support and desires of her husband must learn to be respectful. No matter her level of education, position or influence, the fact that she is leaving you to take on the name of another man means she should at all times be respectful to the man and his family. In the home of that man, she is your ambassador, the one who tells the kind of training you have given her. Therefore, at all times, it behooves her to show humility and deference to her man. No matter the kind of provocation she experiences, what he does, she must never raise her voice against him or join issues with him when tempers are high because two wrongs can never be right. At such times, she should simply keep quiet and allow him be before explaining her side of the story. Tell her a marriage isn’t a court of law where one has to claim rights always. Even when right, wisdom demands she should learn to let go for peace sake. Men have this natural tilt towards authority. As the head and leader of the home, it is his right to be obeyed even when it is wrong to do so. At least for that moment, she should learn to until she gets her time to voice her concern and reservations about certain decisions she isn’t pleased with. To argue with him when the iron is still very hot will cause commotion in the house. Marriage is a market place of patience, tolerance, selflessness, caution, loyalty, prayers, friendship, understanding and wisdom. Every action she takes must be thoroughly thought out before she makes them. This is to prevent misunderstanding and hurtful words that cannot be retrieved when the situation eases off. At all times, she should be careful about the kind of words she uses on her husband or children because of the power of words. This means she must be on her knees everyday, praying her family into peace and success. In the same way, she should pray out those things she doesn’t want in her marriage. Talking to God about a problem lessens the burden of fighting or nagging her husband. It also makes it easy for her to say sorry easily to her husband. At all times, she should involve God in her marriage. His presence clears the fog of disharmony. Tell her that love is like cultivating a beautiful garden of precious flowers. For the garden to grow and remain evergreen, it requires time, attention, devotion, patience and extreme care to bring out the best of the plant and from the layout. It is the same way with growing, nurturing and keeping a marriage. Weeds, in the form of impatience, careless words, neglect and lack of attention have to be kept out of the marriage at all costs. To keep them is to bore a huge hole in the heart of the marriage; the kind that gets wider if care is not taken on time to patch things up. Tolerance is about knowing when to ignore and say certain things. It is also appreciating when to let go completely of some matters for the sake of peace and happiness in the long run. This is important; letting go is essential because marriage is about two completely different people coming together to make a life. This is why she has to let go because values and ideas are different. Allowances must be made in every marriage for the peculiarity of the other person’s strength and weakness. Her job as a wife is to always cover up her husband’s weak points, never letting an outsider know what these weaknesses are. She must, at all times, be available when her husband desires her body and presence. Romance should be exciting and lovemaking adventurous Sometimes too, it isn’t just about lovemaking but about having quality time as a couple to discuss and bond. This would make it easy for them to become more than lovers to being firm friends. When couples become good friends, they are able to develop the kind of relationship no challenge can permeate; rather they become so attached to each other that they are able to joke about seemingly serious matters tearing down other marriages. No matter how busy she gets as a wife, mother and person, she should never make the mistake of neglecting her home or the food her husband eats to the care of a house-help. A wise woman cooks her husband’s meals, washes his clothes and keeps his home clean. Allowing another woman do these intimate chores is like conceding her territory to the woman. Her husband’s care should be her business. She should also make out time to take her husband out, including for very naughty weekends; sending romantic and suggestive test messages, buying him gifts as not just his wife but as his girlfriend. The idea is to engage and keep his interest at home always. A woman should be able to play the role of her man’s girlfriend and wife effortlessly. It is the method wise women have used to keep their homes fresh and exciting. She should never be shy to introduce an idea or method to her romance with her husband. If she fails to do so, other smart women will, which would spell danger to her home. She should also learn to endure her in-laws. Having a liberal mind helps her to view things more objectively rather than sentimentally. This will help her in no small way to keep her immediate family together. Good grooming is also a factor in a successful marriage. She should always strive to look her best. In all, marriage is a journey of eternity. She should be determined to make it work at all cost. Good luck.