My daughter’s best friend is my husband’s child

With Agatha Edo , gataedo@yahoo.com or agatha.edo@gmail.com,08054500626

Dear Agatha,

Please, don’t tell me to recognise or accept these children. Sometimes, I wonder if you live in the real world; if you have been hurt and betrayed by a man before. It’s amazing how you seem to have the right answers for every problem. If you have ever been hurt, you will know how it feels to be betrayed by the man you love.

I even don’t know why I am bothering myself writing to you in the first place because it is those things I don’t want to hear that you will say to me on this issue that is causing so much pain and anguish in my marriage.

Last week was my birthday and my last child came back from school to celebrate with me. She is in her second year in senior secondary school. She came with her best friend. I have met severally with her on account of her friendship with my daughter.

While in my house, she got an emergency call from home that her mother needed to see her. I was naturally worried about the nature of the call so I offered to drive her home. My husband came in just as we were driving out. I had to explain to him what happened.

He persuaded me against going with the young girl arguing that since it was my birthday, it would not be polite for me to leave home since I was expecting guests. I had no choice but to allow him take the little girl home.

Since I was monitoring the events on the phone, I knew her mother had died so I wasn’t really expecting my husband home early. From my daughter, I knew the young girl was the first of her mother and has a younger brother who is in his second year in junior secondary school.

Being a mother, I felt for them. I tried calling my husband to bring the children home if there was no one to care for them at home but his number wasn’t going through.

It was not until around 11p.m. that he came back home with the young girl and her brother. My husband and I have been married for close to 23 years, so I can tell when he is very bothered.

Initially I attributed his mood to his concern for the children but something kept telling me it was more than that when he became too involved in the burial arrangement of the children’s mother.

At the time, I didn’t bother or notice the ease in which the children addressed him as father. When I tried to question him about his level of involvement with the woman’s burial arrangement, he brushed me aside, saying he was doing it for the children who have nobody in the world to help them.

What would have been a major disagreement between us, I tried to ignore but didn’t go down well when he announced his decision to adopt those children as his own.

Knowing my husband as much as I do, that statement triggered an alarm bell deep inside me. There and then I decided that I would attend the burial rites of the girl’s mother against the wish of my husband who said it wasn’t necessary for me to be there.

Needless to say, my husband was the chief mourner; the widower of the late woman. It was at the burial the puzzle about the similarity between my last child and the children clicked. They all got their looks from my mother-in-law.

My husband’s younger brother and sisters all came for the funeral. I felt betrayed by all of them because I thought we had gotten over our differences. When they all saw me, they looked away and pretended that I wasn’t even there.

I don’t know what came over me when the children ran to me on sighting me. I remember pushing them away and warning them never to come near me again.

I came back home to meet his mother and other members of the family at first pleading with me to accept the children and now making a demand of it.

My husband’s reason for taking a second wife and ensuring she and my daughter were friends has to do with our stormy early years.

I know we went through hellish times back then but is that enough reason for him to betray me this way? What about the attitude of his mother and family? My best friend says I should not accept the children and to pack away from my home because she thinks my husband, from what has happened, is capable of harming me. I really agree with her. I am already making plans to leave him and his children.

I am really hurting.

Franca.



Dear Franca,

Contrary to what you think, I have been through hellish days too and know the kind of pains you are feeling. Only the dead don’t have challenges or issues to deal with anymore. As long as we have life in us, we would always have problems to contend with. I am who I am because I have a God that has never failed me or left me on my own to carry my load.

When an issue like yours comes up in a marriage, it helps to pray. Prayer is important to prevent you from making a mistake you will forever regret. Even if you decide to leave him, would it change the fact that he is your children’s father or erase the truth about the paternity of those children as well as their relationship to your children?

After 23 years of marriage, it is too late in the day to have regrets that would take you out of a place that has been your home all these years. If any of your older children brings this kind of problem to you, will you tell them to pack out of their homes? Will you encourage them not to accept those children who after all are innocent in this adult game? Should your son treat another woman this way, how would you feel if the woman abandons your son?

By now, you more than anyone should know that it takes the grace of God to make living with another person work. No matter how well you think you know someone; there will always be some areas, you will never fully understand about the person. This is one of those unknown zones your information and personal data of him cannot recognise.

He has committed the offence. There is no way he can undo this. The question now is, can you ever find it in your heart to forgive him, see those children who by fate are very close to your own child as part of you?

Don’t forget that they are already part of the family by virtue of involvement and support of your in-laws. If you fail to recognise them, it won’t change a thing but your refusal would have far reaching implications for your children in future. It is that future I want you to be mindful of.

No matter how much you feel like skinning your husband alive now, try as much as possible to factor in the dreams and feelings of these children now and later.

If it would be of help, you don’t have the patent for marital pains, betrayals and disappointment. Many women have worse tales to tell. After living with a man for 23 years, you should have learnt not to be surprised by anything he does. It is one of the ways a woman can survive a marriage. Whether you like it or not, the society has made it their world. Had the shoes been reversed, you will be facing mass condemnation now.

What you should do is to take stock of the past. I am sure a lesson has been learnt by you from all these. And the best way to avoid making them all over again, is to accept those children as your own. I have this feeling that it would erase whatever it is that happened in the past.

We are all students of the school of life. It couldn’t have been by accident that everybody in his family is in support of the other woman. If you are honest, your conduct in the past has to do with this situation.

Ignore your friend. She doesn’t mean well.

Good luck.