If he hears my stepdaughter is pregnant!

With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626


Dear Agatha,

This is a very delicate issue for me to handle on my own because of its future implication. My step -daughter and I are very close. I married her father about seven years ago. Her mother died three years earlier.

Right from the first day I met her, we have been close. A lot of people think I am her mother and she actually addresses me as such. Through me, she has a brother and sister.

She very much plays the big sister role when she comes back on holiday and is forever on the phone discussing with them like her mates. I love her as my own.

There is nothing I don’t know about her. She tells me everything about her life. She isn’t as close to the father as she is to me because he is this strict kind. Even though she is in her 400-level in the university, he still treats her like a child. She also happens to be one of the most disciplined young ladies I know.

Recently, she came home to confide in me about her pregnancy. Her boyfriend, who graduated three years before her is employed. He was lucky to have been retained by the engineering company he served. His is a young man I happen to know very well because on the occasions when my husband is out of town, I always allow him to come and visit my daughter at home.

My husband is one of the most difficult men I have known. Once or twice, he has accused me of deliberately over indulging my stepdaughter so as to make her life worthless. He would end it by saying if she were my real daughter I wouldn’t be so encouraging of her ways.

This is the root of my problem. I love and respect my husband too much to be affected by what he says. When he is angry, he is capable of saying anything but once the storm is over, he is one of the most loving husbands I know. But, how do I tell him about her pregnancy without him throwing both of us out of the house?

There is no way I would ever support a child of mine to go through an abortion but I am fearful of what would become of me and her if the father ever finds out that she is pregnant and that I am in the know of who is responsible.

Three days ago, I tried to sound him about by asking him what he would do if his daughter comes home pregnant. Without waiting for me to finish asking him the question, he declared that he would not only ensure she removes the pregnancy but throw both of us out of his house.

How do I handle this? The poor girl, who is preparing for her final examinations, is fearful of the reaction of her father. I don’t want her to fail her examinations on account of the stubborn attitude of her father.

How do I handle this situation? This is the time I wish I were her real mother because nobody would accuse me of supporting her to destroy her life. It is unfortunate she got pregnant but I know it deep inside of me that she will be happy with her man.

Already the young man and his family have indicated interest in coming to discuss marriage with us. I have pleaded for time, about a month to enable me sort things out with the father.

Please help me make the right decision concerning this issue urgently.

Celine.



Dear Celine,

She has already placed you in the position of her mother, hence her confidence to come to you with the stories of everything happening in her life. You may not be her biological mother, but in the heart of this young woman, you are her mother.

As long as you know you are acting in the best interest of this young lady, refuse to be discouraged by the remarks or attitude of your husband who in this matter is entitled to his opinion.

The best way to get out of this is for you to stand your grounds by reminding him that as long as you are his wife, you are the mother of his daughter and that if he continues to ignore your role in the young lady’s life, he should not blame you if anything goes wrong.

The fact that you have refused to react to his comments concerning and questioning your role in this young girl’s life is the reason you are at this crossroad. He has to know that she has turned out to be a young responsible woman because you also took her as your daughter.

Honestly, the issue here isn’t so much of the pregnancy of the young lady, but that of you and your husband finding your equilibrium in your relationship. The absence of trust in your lives is what is on the top table and not the girl who is about to leave your nest to begin a life of her own.

It is either your husband learns to trust your judgement concerning his daughter or you act as the true mother the girl has positioned you to be. There are no two ways about it. If she were your biological child, what would you do? Would you just watch her struggle with a situation most girls her age would have long found a solution to?

Would you encourage her to abort the child to please the father or give her all the support she needs to write her final examination in peace while she plans for her wedding? This is the time she needs you the most, for you to play your role as only a true mother does.

The man in question is your husband. Don’t be afraid to approach him. Even if he threatens to throw you out, ask him what is most important to him, his daughter or his principle? You are a woman, his wife for that matter. You must know the key to making him submit to your wishes. Every woman who knows her onion has the master key to her husband’s heart; it is a matter of good timing as well as going the extra mile to make him understand the issues you want him to consider.

To help your daughter, it is important you find out why your husband is so difficult when it comes to issues affecting her. If you have never bothered to find out, this is the time to ask questions. No matter what his reasons are, let him understand that she is no longer a child. At 23, she has gone past the age of consent; more so, she is in her final year, and about to finish her university education, so what is the real issue? If she has avoided getting pregnant until now, there must be a reason, which is the angle you should push in your discussion with him.

Let him understand that apart from the child being his first grandchild, the young lady risks losing her life in the process as well. The thought of him losing her may make him change his mind.

What more, the man responsible for the pregnancy is determined to marry her, so what is the problem? It would have been a different thing and understandable of your fears if the man is denying paternity of the child or she is unable to point at any particular man.

It is also important he hears it from you before he notices the condition of his daughter or someone else points him at her condition. Encourage her to stay back in school until the issue is resolved by you. It would be so sad if you disappoint her by your fear of your husband.

If at the end of the day, if he insists, report him to his family members or a very close friend of his. Do anything to make him help his daughter achieve happiness in life.

Whatever happens, stand by your daughter. There is no way your husband would drive both of you away from his home. Besides, there is no sacrifice too much for a mother to make for her mother.

Good luck.