I fought my husband’s mistress

Agatha Edo, Email:womaneditor@independentngonline.com, gataedo@yahoo.com or agatha.edo@gmail.com, 08054500626


Dear Agatha,

I recently discovered through my husband’s text messages that he is having an affair. When I tried to find out from him who the lady is, he denied having any other woman in his life and asked to know who has been feeding me with the damaging information which in his opinion could break my home.

At first, I didn’t tell him how I found out but later told him, I went through his text messages. He didn’t say anything beyond warning me never to go through his phones since he doesn’t bother with mine.

I was so angry at his reaction that I called the other woman, whose number I had transferred to my phone, to stay away from my husband. There was no name I didn’t call her and even warned her that if she didn’t stay away from him, I would deal with her in a way she would never forget.

She must have told my husband about my call because he came back home very angry. He again warned me to allow things be; that I shouldn’t push my luck.

I didn’t listen; I had to fight for my husband and home so I made more investigations and found out where she lives and works. To my pains, I discovered that she isn’t just his girlfriend but has a set of twins for my husband.

We have been married for six years and have done everything to get pregnant but I haven’t been able to. I was so enraged that I fought her right in the presence of her children. I broke her head with a bottle I found in her sitting room. But for the intervention of my husband, I would have been arrested and locked up by the police. The woman too pleaded with her neighbours to allow me be.

It was after this incident, I found out that the woman is actually his ex- girlfriend who lost her husband early this year and, that her children actually belonged to her late husband. Though she is interested in coming back to my husband, he isn’t. I felt like a fool when I found out the truth from her.

Now my husband is throwing me out of the house without even giving me a chance to beg for forgiveness. He says it would be better off for him to go with this woman after all.

I want your help to resolve this problem because I really want and love my husband. I did all those things because I didn’t want another woman in his life. None of his family members want to intervene on my behalf because in their opinion I am too violent and rude.

Please help me.

Omose



Dear Omose,

There is only one person capable of making your husband change his mind, the woman you went to fight in her house.

She is the only one your husband would listen to in this matter. You may find it humiliating going to the woman you thought was your rival but if you want to keep your home, this isn’t the time for you to be ashamed or bothered about what her reactions would be if you go to her for help.

Desperate situation needs desperate solution. Your husband’s reaction has to do with your conduct and the extent you went with the woman. What if she had died on that day? What would be your story or his for that matter? What would both of you be saying to the police?

He is afraid you would do something more drastic if you find out about another woman he is close to. You are getting away with it this time because of the nature of the woman involved as well as her disposition towards life. Next time you may not be that lucky. Another woman, determined to make a case with you, would insist on police involvement. By now you would have been charged with attempted murder; worrying about securing your freedom and not whether your husband is getting married to another woman or not.

Only free women worry about their marriages. Another woman would have insisted on involving the law to give her the freedom of moving in with your husband. Her refusal to make it a police case underscores her maturity and respect for the person of your husband.

Respect is obviously one thing you do not have for your husband. A woman who lacks respect for her husband stays long in his house. Even if he is having an affair, there are better ways of getting him to go off the woman. Fighting your husband’s mistress isn’t a solution to making him come back to you.

A wise woman finds out the reason her husband is having the affair. Even if you take time out to investigate the woman, it is to learn one or two things from her; the reason your husband is interested in her. It could be her appearance, conduct or the values she places on your husband.

Knowing what her strong points are is to help you know what technique to use at home in ensuring your husband has less time to spend with her. Every man desires a humble and respectful wife. They also desire a woman who is neat and conscious of what her responsibilities are.

By fighting her, you not only exposed your shortcomings to the world but also empowered all those who wonder what your husband saw in you in the first place. The refusal of your in-laws to plead on your behalf speaks volume about your person. It is certainly not complimentary for you that nobody is willing to come out within the family to plead your case. You must have overdone things severally.

Respect is fundamental. After going to the woman to help you get your man back, sit back and really talk to yourself. From this whole episode, you now know what and where your shortcomings are. It would do you a world of good, if you allow this experience to teach you how to relate with people around you.

Until recently, your husband, despite not having a child for him, didn’t think of sending you out of his house nor did he betray the pressures he must have been having from members of his family to send you away. Their reaction to what is happening now underscores the kind of things and thoughts they have about you.

Therefore he needs more than apologies from you to make him come back. He needs assurances too that he would have peace in his home as well as the respect deserving of his position as the head of his home. Chances are if you two are close, he would have made mention of this lady in his conversation with you. He may not tell you everything but would mention the death of her husband.

You have to find ways of being close to him. Although, you didn’t mention anything about what your relationship has been like, it is clear that you two are familiar strangers living together. The presence of children isn’t the only reason couples stay close. The function of marriage is first and foremost for companionship. Without it, life can be very grey and cold. And what brings about quality companionship? Peace. If the whole time you are nagging, arguing and having serious fallouts in your union, chances of both of you having a reasonable discussion as a couple becomes slim by the day.

This is what you must strive to bring into your marriage. Some babies won’t come if there is no harmony in a home. You must look for ways to communicate your desire to give your husband peace in his life. While he can cope with your nature inside the confines of his home, he clearly cannot condone with your exposing the challenges of his home to the world. By your action, you have disrobed him, causing people to mock him as being a weakling.

Before it all got this bad, there is something he saw in you. Can you remember that thing that attracted him to you; and has continued to influence his decision to stay with you? Find it and bring it back to your marriage with the help of God.

It may not be so easy to make him forgive or forget but if you are determined and truly love him, learn to be patient since the lack of it is what makes us irrational. If you had been patient, you wouldn’t have gone through his messages and even if you did, would have grown the endurance to handle it with wisdom.

By now, you should realise that most men are polygamists by nature and only a foolish woman allows her husband’s extra- marital affairs get under her skin.

Iron out your differences with your husband and stop looking for that thing you didn’t misplace.

Good luck.