He’s calling for sex 2-month after childbirth

With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626


Dear Agatha,

I am a first time mother. My baby is just two months of age and my husband is already asking for sex. My pleas that I am not ready for such intimacy are falling on deaf ears as he keeps insisting that he cannot cope any longer.

It isn’t as if I have any problem stopping me from getting close to my husband but my mother warned me that it was bad for a woman still breastfeeding to allow her husband come near her. She says the baby would always get sick because of the sperm in the mother’s body.

She says it is always best for the mother to abstain from sex until she stops breastfeeding. I asked a friend of mine who began having babies before me, she said her husband didn’t bother her, was contented to wait until she was ready to resume lovemaking.

Other women I asked gave me conflicting answers. I am now so confused about it all hence my decision to ask you for help.

Another reason is that I am not as interested in sex as such. My husband on the other hand is almost addicted to sex. For me, all the attention and demands can be very tiring. I honestly see this chance as my opportunity to rest from his massive attention. But I am also afraid that my refusal could spell doom for me as my husband isn’t the kind of man to exercise too much patience when it comes to sex.

Another thing is how can I bring myself to enjoy sex as much as he does?

Bisi.



Dear Bisi,

Many things go into the making of a perfect marriage and one of those things is honesty. If you are having challenges with the incessant sexual demands of your husband, let him know exactly how you feel about it instead of hiding under a different matter to solve an issue you will never go away from in your marriage.

The more you pretend it isn’t an issue, the more complicated your marriage becomes. And by the time you finally want to talk about it, like a very busy tailor’s thread, the tangle will be too complex to undo. The line between happiness and sadness is so thin, thus your need to be very careful.

This is because bad sex brings with it a load of confusion, suspicion and disloyalty. If your husband is the kind of man who has a suspicious, chances are after a while he would begin to suspect your motive for not flowing with him in the bedroom. And if you happen to be close to a male colleague or a friend of his, chances are he would begin to imagine and impute things that are not into an otherwise innocent relationship.

By the time you realize the reason for his grouchiness, a lot of things would have been affected in your marriage, some beyond repairs or remedy whatsoever.

The flip side of this is pushing him into the willing arms of another woman. Once he strays into the hands of another woman, desperate to have a man in her life, getting him back may not be possible because she would give unselfishly that thing you are finding difficult to give him.

Besides, don’t forget that being married, he has a right over your body. If he doesn’t get it from you, where do you expect him to go? To the arms of another woman?

Even if he agrees to let you be for now, it is temporary. It can never be a long-term solution to the issue you have raised.

Sex is an important ingredient in every marriage. If you want your marriage to last forever, it has to be given its rightful place in your marriage.

What you should do now is to find out why you are feeling stranded in your sex life with your husband. When did it start? If you didn’t marry as a virgin, how was it with you and other men? If you married as a virgin, what is he doing wrong? Is there a particular way you want him to handle you?

To ensure you get a very comprehensive solution to your problem, don’t be shy. Marriage gives you the right to say and demand what you want from your spouse. Like him, there is nowhere you can run to when your body thirsts for that thing that pleases it the most. No matter how uninteresting you find sex most of the time, there are certain days you will feel like having it and would want him to perform at full capacity. Try imagining your feelings if he does it half-heartedly without passion or consideration for your feelings? You will naturally feel bad and unwanted, isn’t it?

This is what your husband feels anytime he makes love to you and you are not putting everything into it. He could be deliberately avoiding a discussion in that direction because he doesn’t want to hurt you but that isn’t to say he will not be bothered about the issue.

This is why you should build up the courage to face the issue squarely. By asking yourself why you appear indifferent to sex, you will find the clue to coping with your husband’s high demands. Chances are if he gets quality performance from you, you could persuade him to cut down on quantity.

Marriage is a journey of compromises. You must be ready to give up something for something. You cannot be under his roof and dislike sex. Of what use then are you to him? He can get any woman he wants to cook, care for his house as well as have children for him. But the reason he wants you in his life has to do with companionship and unhindered access to sex when he feels like it. You are in his house to check his excesses as well as ensure he doesn’t have any reason to stray. The moment you fail to provide him with the essential material, you leave him no choice but to look elsewhere for it.

Sitting him down for a dialogue will help him realise his mistakes and you appreciate your essence in his life. Together, both of you would work something out; something that would make your marriage overcome whatever is thrown at it by life.

Such talks would also help communicate your desires to him on what you want and expect from him. You enjoy sex the best when happy, relaxed and accommodating of the other person’s abilities. It also helps to have a broad sense of adventure.

On the issue of lovemaking affecting the quality of your milk and having negative impact on your baby, it isn’t true. As long as you are comfortable, don’t have any incision that would take time to heal; you are medically fit to resume intimacy with your husband. Medically, after six weeks of normal delivery, a woman can have sex.

I am sure your doctor must have told you at your post-natal examination this. In those days, women used breastfeeding as a form of birth control; a device they used in spacing their children. And in those days, their husbands had more than a wife; hence if one was incapacitated by childbirth, the man had another woman on queue to satisfy his urges.

Women in monogamous marriages cannot afford such luxuries because men are moved by sight. A woman, who leaves her husband out in the cold for too long, should blame no one but herself if he finds pleasure in the arms of another woman.

For the sake of your happiness, ignore your mother’s counsel. Your baby is safe. There is no way sperm in your reproductive system can get into your breasts. It is designed by God to stay within a woman’s reproductive organs and not in any other place.

While the baby has to feed, you also have to keep your husband satisfied as his wife. The woman is equipped by nature to handle both roles as mother and wife effectively. The moment a woman allows one function to overwhelm the other, it signals problems for her and the home.

If he is the impatient kind, it follows that he is only enduring the situation because he loves you. Don’t push him into doing what he doesn’t want to do because you may not be able to handle the repercussion at all.

Furthermore, desist from discussing issues like this with friends because what works for them may not work for you. Men are different in nature. While some men have the patience and power of endurance to stay without sex for a long time, other men cannot stay without it for more than a day. So if you consult a friend whose husband isn’t particular about it, you will get the wrong counsel because she doesn’t have your kind of experience. Since it is a medical issue, the ideal person is your doctor.

Above all, never leave God outside your marriage. It is important.

Good luck.