He has two sons outside our marriage

With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, Seventeen years ago, when I met my husband, he had nothing whereas as a banker I was well established. Age wasn’t on my side anymore so I didn’t give a thought to his financial position. I was happy despite the misgivings of my friends to establish him. Through my connections, I got him very lucrative contracts. I also helped him with soft loans in the bank to execute the contracts; this way, he didn’t have to worry about huge bank interests. Within two years of our marriage he was well established and could stand on his own. Together, we invested in property business. I knew I wouldn’t be able to continue with the bank job once the children started coming so was determined to have something on the side. Things were working very well for us and I couldn’t have hoped for a better husband. However, after the birth of our first child, a girl, I couldn’t conceive, no matter how hard we tried. After a while, I gave up every attempt at searching for cure when the spiritualist my friend took me, tried to rape me during a purported cleansing prayer session he invited me for. Although there has never been any love lost between my mother-in-law and I; but, the fact that she knew how much I contributed to the success story of her son made her to keep quiet about me. Severally when alone with me, she would make nasty remarks about female bankers not being better than cheap prostitutes. So I haven’t been under any illusion about my place in her heart but even at that, I didn’t know she could go as far as she went. Late last year, she came home with a woman and two young sons. She didn’t tell me anything and I didn’t bother to investigate or ask questions but I noticed that when my husband came back from work, he hurried his mother and the woman out of the house. When I asked him about the woman’s identity he mumbled things that were not audible. I still didn’t suspect anything until last week when the mother and woman came to confront me in my shop. There was no name the mother didn’t call me including using charms on her son to get him to marry me. She even called my daughter a bastard I got while prostituting as a bank worker. Although my husband and his siblings, especially his elder brother are totally against what their mother did but the truth is that my husband has children outside our home. That is one fact that cannot be denied. Foolishly, everything we have is in our joint names. If I am thrown out today, how will I survive with my child? What do I do about the other woman? Do I accept her or what? I am very confused about all these. I lack the stamina to fight another woman whereas the other woman is determined to fight me going by her attitude. Confused Wife Dear Confused Wife, The best approach is not to mind what your mother-in-law is saying about you, her attitude towards you as well as the other woman’s mind-set. The harm has been done; she already has children for your husband so it is pointless fighting her. no matter how unpalatable the truth may sound to you, there is no way your husband will let go of his children even if he wants to let go of their mother. This is why you should be very reasonable in this matter. Granted he loves you, and appreciative of your contribution to his life but, when it comes to the issue of sons, the average man would stand by his sons any day and time especially as he doesn’t have a male child by you. This may sound bitter and un-agreeable with you but this is reality junction; a very slippery one which requires absolute wisdom and caution to pass through. There is nothing you can do here but accept the undisputable fact of the presence of those children in your marriage. Learn to put their interest first because they have become an inevitable part of your life and marriage. These boys belong to your husband and are also related to your daughter. To fight their mother is to create unnecessary bad blood in your home. Besides, since your husband mustered the courage to sleep and have children with her without telling you, his mind is made up about her; making whatever struggle you put up a nullity. At this point there is no going back. Even though he may not like the way and manner his mother went about it, there must have been an agreement between the two of them to inform you of the existence of this woman and her children. Painful as his betrayal is, only an unwise woman gives another woman her well cultivated farmland. Without your help, this man may not be the success story he is today therefore, perish your pains, anger and instead be calm. His mother and the other woman acted the way they did to provoke you into a reaction; the kind that will give the other woman the excuse to forcefully take over your home and his mother, a reason to throw you out. Be wise as a serpent. This is when you need to be extra cautious, patient and thoughtful. Apart from the issue of your inability to conceive again, would you score yourself as being a perfect wife? Given the kind of assistance you have offered your man, you may unconsciously have been acting in a way to suggest that without your connection he would have remained a nobody. It takes the grace of God for a woman who has rendered the kind of assistance you rendered your husband not to be haughty to the man. This is the intersection you examine yourself and ask deep questions concerning your masked contribution to this emotional mesh in your marriage. What were your subtle contributions to this mess? Be very honest with yourself since it is the only viable way to find lasting solutions to this issue. If you had in anyway behaved in such a manner that kept reminding your husband of the role you played in his success story, go and ask him for forgiveness. Plenty of time to make him apologise for betraying your love and trust but trust me, this isn’t the right time. Rather, this is the time for total consolidation of your hold over him as well as your home. You cannot undo what has been done but you can influence the choices he makes concerning where the woman and her children would stay. Under no circumstances must you allow pride or what your friends say make you lose your home to another woman. As long as you still love him and willing to accept the situation, romance your way back into his heart with respect and wisdom. Don’t forget he now has an alternative to you and would after a while call your bluff if you push too hard. Go and plead with him to forgive anything you may have unwittingly done to make him take on another wife. Ignore his excuse that his quest to have a male child pushed him into it. Insist if he were really happy with you, trust in your relationship as well as the presence of God in your lives, he wouldn’t have done it. Ensure you really beg him if for nothing else, to erase the impression that he owes you for the role you played in his success story. Follow that by asking how he intends to solve the problem of his sons and mother. First listen to his plans before offering him your suggestion. Let him know you are willingly to support his plans as long as it doesn’t involve you and the other woman staying under the same roof. Suggest he gets a place for them. If he is in a position to buy a property for the woman, no matter how modest, encourage him to. This way, it will keep her restlessness in check and give you the peace of mind to concentrate on seeking the face of God. For such a woman, her motive is to have a share in his wealth. Once she has a house, car and regular upkeep allowances, she will not be so vicious and determined to force her way into your home. Consider it a little price to pay for the peace of your daughter and you. As for your mother-in-law continue to be nice to her because her children that are on your side. It is only when all these are over that you can confront your husband with your pains and sense of betrayal at his conduct but for now, keep your cool while praying that God shows mercy for you to have more worthy children. If God blesses your womb with worthy children, it won’t matter in the long run if they are boys or girls. This should be your prayer point before the Throne of Mercy. Good luck.

My children are irresponsible

With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, My problem is not your usual kind but I would be highly honoured if you help me to resolve this issue while I’m still alive. I am almost 70 years of age and married three wives but have three children from three other women outside my wives . The first one is dead leaving me with the two others. Between them, I have 18 children who are all grown up and ought to be managing their own businesses or affairs but I discovered all of them are waiting for me to die so that they can inherit my numerous businesses. This itself isn’t a bad thing because the prayer of every parent is to be succeeded by the child but a situation where they still come home to ask for money to fend for their wives or husbands and children leaves me wondering what will become of them all after I die. The sad thing about all these is the absence of love between all of them; even among children of the same mother. They are always looking for ways to implicate each other. but the recent one got me thinking. The first son of my second wife reported the first son of my late wife to the Police as being an armed robber simply because he desired to be the eldest son of the family. For almost eight weeks we didn’t know the whereabouts of my first son until a kind Police officer in charge of the investigation came home to question me and his neighbours about his character. It was from him we got to know he was being held at the special anti-robbery unit for armed robbery. Through this kind officer, we got a copy of the petition and found out it was his brother that wrote the petition. He later confessed that he wanted him out of the way to pave way for his headship of the family. We were able to withdraw the matter from the Police as well as keep it out of courts. This is why I have come to you. If I am alive and they are already scheming to eliminate each other, what will become of my family when I am no more? What do I do? I know I have made some costly mistakes as a young man with all the women and children I have but is there a way I can stop them killing each other when I die? Besides, how do I make them responsible? Even the ones abroad aren’t serious about their lives. The only one who is serious is the one daughter I initially rejected when her mother took in. I only accepted her after she was born and tests confirmed I am her father. Of all my children she is the only one I didn’t have anything to do with her education not because I didn’t want to but because her mother stopped me from paying her fees. She told me in implicit terms that given the disgrace I put her through, she will never allow me contribute to the upkeep of her child and must have communicated the same sentiment to our daughter. No matter how much I try to give her money, she will always politely turn me down despite coming to the house to visit and spend some few days. She works with a multinational company, holds a very good position and has a husband who is also very successful. She is the only one giving me joy as she sends money to me at the end of the month and takes care of my medical bills despite having the resources of my own to take care of all my needs. I am seriously considering bequeathing all my wealth to her. I am most safe with her. What do you advice? Concerned Father. Dear Concerned Father, Search deep into your cupboard of your heart for clues. The latter part of your mail is pregnant with meaning and, in its way, point to the possible cause of your headaches and disappointments with your children. Without meaning to sound rude, what kinds of things did you do to acquire your wealth? How did you treat people you worked with? Did you at anytime hurt anyone unjustly, sufficiently to provoke God to fight for that person? Did you at any time cheat someone or a group of people out of their right and sweat? Is there a blood contamination somewhere in your castle of wealth? If the only child you didn’t spend your money on; is the only one making it among the 18 children you have, it then follows that money, used in training the children is carrying a heavy curse that forbids you to enjoy the labours of your hands. This money has contaminated the destiny of these children. Nothing you do or say will ever make meaning to them unless you do something to clean up that which you did in the hidden. This is why you must go back to the beginning; the origin of your wealth. That is where the problems you are having with your children started from. If you don’t want to die a very sad and unfulfilled man, think deep. There is no way you would reap goodness in a garden you planted sorrow. Nothing we do go unrewarded. If you have caused someone to weep over his or her children, there is no way you would go to the grave without suffering terribly from that cup of bitterness. That is why one child would go and report the sibling of being an armed robber. That act alone is a preview of what would happen among your children when you die. Even if you fast from today till tomorrow, without you confessing your hidden secret, your children will only get worse in their attitude towards you. Battles like this don’t happen without a reason; undoubtedly, you opened an ancient evil secret door for this problem to invade your life. If you don’t act now to remedy the situation, even in the grave you will never find peace; your children will guarantee that. The only way is to admit the source of your wealth with a view of making amends so that you can find forgiveness in the sight of God. The spell has to be broken for you to enjoy what fatherhood is all about. That one of them is taking care of you is a line of mercy God opened for you; perhaps following the good you also did somewhere. Align yourself with that for complete solution. If you cannot remember what you did wrong or who you offended, go back to the mother of this daughter of yours. For the mother to have refused all your offers to train her child or give her money, she must have been told somewhere of the grave danger of you using your money to train any child. There is no way she would have refused you train your daughter if she wasn’t warned. The excuse she gave you for refusing help is to mask her real reason. No woman ever refuses the help of the father of her child to carry the burden of caring for the child especially if not married to the man. Seek her help. If she refuses to listen to you, get your daughter to speak on your behalf to her mother. The essence is to make your search for solution less tedious. Plead with her to tell you what she was told if you are sure you don’t know what you did or where all these is coming from. On your own seek the face of God. No matter how scarlet our sins are, He promised to make them clean. By submitting yourself to God, you open your life as well as those of children up for mercy. In addition, consider reading your will before you die; give every child his or her entitlement. It may sound morbid but it will stop them killing each other in the long run and help preserve your life longer. By the time you do this, you will have the presence of mind to live your life the way you want to without worrying about them. If they are unable to properly manage their inheritance, it won’t be your fault or anyone’s fault. Above all, go to God in prayers and total submission to His will. It is the only way out for you if you desire pure happiness in the end. Good luck.

How do I please a girl?

With Agatha Edo, Email: womaneditor@independentngonline.com, gataedo@yahoo.com or agatha.edo@gmail.com Dear Agatha, Please, I want you to help me with this problem that has being bothering me. I am a boy of 17 years of age. The problem is, I don’t know what love is or how to love a girl; what to do to please her or know when a woman is in love with me. I had this girl who is my friend, I am always with and willing to do anything for. When I made my intentions known to her, she became aggressive. I truly love and I want her. Worried Teenager. Dear Worried Teenager, At 17, you still have a long way to go. It is the way of women to be difficult at this stage and the way of men to be patient. Love isnt something we plan for, but something that happens out of the blues. When it happens, you don’t need anybody tell you what you are feeling. Love is special and doesn’t give peace to the one who feels until it expresses itself to the one it feels for. Between the time you begin to have emotions for women and the time you really find true love, you will experience all kinds of feelings. Some are deep, almost akin to what true love is, but the real thing is laced with compassion, friendship, support, understanding and loyalty. Unlike the lust and sexual passions inherent in other kinds of romantic feelings, true love has the strenght of being patient. A man in love with a woman would never pressure her into doing what she doesn’t want to do just as a woman in love with a man would be willing to do anything to make him happy. If you are willing to be patient with a woman you have feelings for, it means you are in love with her. The question is, are you willing to allow this girl be until she is ready for you? Are you interested in her because you want her body or that you are interested in her person? You show love to a woman by giving her respect and the right of choice over her body. For now, be the friend she needs. If you are 17, it means she is younger than you. Both of you are still too young to bother yourselves with the challenge of falling in and managing love. For now, build friendship and nothing more. Enough time for you to learn about the dynamism that is a woman. Good luck.

I need someone in my life

Dear Agatha, You are a great councilor, keep it up dear. I need your help. I will be turning 27 years of age soon and presently not in any relationship. I have been out of relationship for almost a year and half. It has been a wonderful period for me since it has afforded me the opportunity of focusing on my career without any distraction. Irrespective of the relative peace I have enjoyed these past years, I have come to realize the need to be in a relationship that will lead to settling down. My family and colleagues have been putting pressure on me, demanding to know when I would be bringing home a woman. A lot of people assume I am married because of my nature. I trust God so much that He has always been there for me in times of difficulties he always come to my aid. However there is this guy I met who thinks I am too difficult and stubborn because I don’t accept the kind of relationship they think I want. Unlike most of them, I belief in marriage and think both parties should respect and value each other. Unlike so many guys my age, my experience with women is limited. I started my first relationship in my final year and when I discovered it wasn’t working between the lady and I; I opted out. I need to be in a relationship but don’t know how to go about it. Please help me. Confused Boy. Dear Confused Boy, The best place to begin is by having a clear vision of what you want in life. It must be crystal clear to make it possible for you to know the kind of woman you need to help you carry on the dream. To achieve this, you must learn to look beyond the physical appearance of the woman you want for a wife. A lot of times, appearances can be very deceptive and frankly, it takes more than a pretty face to make a marriage work. It takes love, care, tolerance, attention, respect, understanding, patience and responsibility to make a marriage work. For your marriage to work, the desire has to come from deep within you. it has to be something you want because it is the only way to acquire the kind of determination every marriage needs to scale through the difficult times. You also have to accept one basic truth about life; the imperfection of us all. This is where the sacrifices in marriages grow from. You must at all times be ready to make the sacrifice marriage requires to be stable and you can only do this for a friend. Therefore ensure the woman you plan to share your life with is a friend, one who will always have the understanding you need to make your home a happy one. To get that kind of woman, resist the urge of placing sex on the front burner. Begin by offering her friendship before anything else. This way, you get to know her without the encumbrance of sexual emotions which often than not stifles a relationship even before it takes off. Above all learn to be very honest with yourself at all times. What you cannot accept in the long run, don’t out of fear of losing the affection of a woman pretend you can because over time, the issue would eventually make the relationship very difficult to conduct. Just be practical in your search and above all entrust God with your dreams. Good luck.

Passion for marriage is threatening our relationship

With Agatha Edo, Email: womaneditor@independentngonline.com, gataedo@yahoo.com or agatha.edo@gmail.com Dear Agatha, I’m an ardent reader of your column and I must say you have touched and saved lots of relationships through your work. May God bless you. I have a girl I have been dating since high school. I’m 25 years of age while she is 22. Right from the beginning she has always nurtured this passion for wedding ceremonies. She practically attends all wedding ceremonies in her church because it makes her happy. After high school, I left the country to study abroad. In fairness to her, she remained a good lady and was always there for me. Our communication remained efficient. December 2009 was the first time of coming back to Nigeria since l left. Back in school she told me she was a virgin. Deep in me, I didn’t believe and anytime I tried making love to her, she would allow me touch her but she won’t allow sex. I couldn’t force her but when I returned to the country after two years of being away, she allowed me. I was shocked to discover she was still a virgin. I’m in my final year now and hoping to further my studies. I know she misses me so much and I do too. I miss my family so much too. By God’s grace, I should be through by next year and return home. The problem now is whenever we talk on the phone, she would bring up the issue of marriage. At first, I told her I wish to have her as my wife but right now, there are things I need to achieve before settling down. I told her everything without holding back anything. I won’t be ready until about four or five years from now. She told me she wants to get married before she turns 25. I know it’s the dream of every woman to get married and start her own family but she is making it appear as if husbands are on sale in the shop and that a woman simply walks in there to buy one when she desires to marry. She doesn’t seem to appreciate that people need to date and plan for marriage and the days after. There was a certain time she got upset over something I knew nothing about. I tried but she wouldn’t tell me the cause of her anger. I thought she was fed up with elling her that since she won’t tell me what her problems were and has decided to keep to herself, I was freeing her of all obligations to the relationship so that I can try someone else. I told her it would give her the opportunity of understanding herself better. She called immediately she got the message to declare her acceptance of my proposal. After a month without calling each other, she called and we continued from where we stopped. After sometime, she told me her friend informed her, that I have a girlfriend I intend to marry. To be honest, I never discussed such a thing with any friend of mine. I immediately knew she believed the story because the friend mentioned is more like a brother to me who knows so much about me. Agatha, she has started again with her marriage talk. Recently she told me she would accept another man into her life if he is right for her. I was hurt by this statement and asked her how she would feel if I said such a thing to her. She didn’t answer but apologised. In my opinion, it seems she is just keeping the relationship until she finds her so-called ‘right person’. We have been talking, but I don’t want to be an obstacle to her since she sounds very desperate and I don’t want any pressure from her about getting married when I’m not ready for it. I have been thinking and have decided to tell her to move on. I thought I could make up for her patience and support for the five years I was away but she is bent on me getting married at all costs. Her deadline isn’t just right for me. I have talked to her and I do honestly love her very much just as I know she loves me. But her passion for marriage is threatening to tear the wonderful relationship we built for the past seven years. I really do need your help on how to handle this situation because it is tearing me apart. Concerned Friend. Dear Concerned Friend, There is no knot true love cannot untangle in a relationship. As long as both of you are ready to shift grounds and arrive at a workable compromise, there will always be a way out for both of you. You are having all this tension because none of you is willing to move an inch. Both of you are rigid in ensuring only your way is the right one. Relationship doesn’t work out like that. If you are fair to her, she has been the one making all the sacrifices for the survival of this relationship. You must also make the effort to see things from her angle. She has never hidden her passion for weddings from you. If you knew you weren’t ready for immediate marriage, you should not have bothered sleeping with her. Doing so meant you were ready to marry as soon as possible. For her kind of person, it meant you were ready for the final step, which was why she held back when she felt you were not in a position to marry her at the time you first demanded for it. From your own account, she waited for you while you were out of the country. Not many women would keep their virginity for a man they are not sure would come back to marry them. That she kept herself for you, even when you doubted her claim shows a properly brought up woman who has very deep feelings and respect for you. That you met her intact underscores her value as a woman. I am sure, while abroad, you had one or two flings. A lot must have gone into keeping her promises to you. Granted, her current attitude can be very frustrating and annoying, both of you need to go beyond telling each other what you want to what would work. She needs marriage urgently while you want it in five years time. Your challenge is simple as long as you both have the maturity to overcome the stalemate you have both imported into your lives. And the earlier you face this personality defects in your natures the better for the relationship. From what is happening, you both have the same attitude to life – having things done your way. Despite being together for seven years, your relationship is still wrapped in egoism. No relationship survives if a couple is unable to make the essential sacrifice for the sake of the other person. If there is a will, there is nothing stopping you from changing your plans a little to accommodate her plans. Both of you can marry but not have children immediately to enable the other plans have proper roots. No plan is unalterable. Frankly, this is a true test of your compatibility as a couple; your individual ability to go the extra mile for the other person to be happy. One thing is to be in love, another challenge is to have the maturity and right attitude to make it work. Situations like this will always come up from time to time in your relationship even after you get married. Unless you find the right key to unlock gridlocks like this, early in the life of a relationship, it often gets to a point when it becomes almost impossible for this kind of differences to be resolved. This is because selfish tendencies not addressed early in the life of a relationship soon become like a dreadful cancer eating at the life giving values of the union. Even if both of you part, if you don’t individually work on this aspect of your natures, finding a person to live or accommodate either of you may not be easy. Relationship is about living your life in the body of another person. Until both of you make the other person’s passion yours, nothing would work. Try putting yourself in her shoes; in five years time how old would she be? What if you decide not to marry her or suddenly realise that you still have certain things to accomplish before marriage and want more time, what would have been her gains? Like women before her, she is scared of the unknown. If she is anxious, she needs your assurances and one of the ways is to shift grounds a little bit for her. Another mistake you are making is refusing to hear what her real fears are. Yes, you have been honest enough to tell her about your plans but what about encouraging her to share her real fears with you? The missing link is trust. Insisting you have things done your way cannot earn her trust. Once you are able to earn her trust, a lot of the tension you feel now from her pressures will disappear. Good luck.

She wants me to stay on

With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, I am 23 years of age and there is this lady I love so much. She is 22 years old. It all started in 2009 when we became good friends. She does not hide anything from me. Over the years we have remained good friends and able to resolve our differences amicably. While with her one day she announced that she needed a friend who would understand and be very close to her. I told her she would find that kind of person soon. Following my response, she asked me who I am to her to which I replied a friend. She followed by response with a very bold question, why can’t I be that friend? I replied her immediately that I would gladly be that friend if she would have me. She then demanded I sent a text outlining how I feel about her. I later did and added questions I have always wanted to ask. I wanted to know if she has a boyfriend, still a virgin, how many intimate lovers she has had as well as my place in her life? She told me she has a boyfriend who stays abroad as well as the fact that she is no longer a virgin. She also told me that she has more male friends than females. She told me I am a special friend. She also told me that whenever her boyfriend comes to town, she would resume intimacy with him but said he last called her three months ago. When I asked if she plans to have someone else in her life, she answered in the negative. She said she is only interested in friendship. She went on to say she doesn’t like deceiving people and that is why she is telling me everything I need to know about her. My question is this: can I continue with this girl? What am I really to her? We have gone so far and I thought I was the love of her life. Now I know I am not. What do you advise me to do? Chydolski Dear Chydolski, What else do you want me to tell you when the girl in question has explained everything to you? She has been very honest with you. It is a rare quality. Most girls would rather lie about such things, giving you the impression that you are the only man in their lives. But she has decided to lay all her cards face up on the table. If you decide to stay, what would you be staying for? She has told you she isn’t interested in replacing the man in her life with anyone despite not hearing from the man for three months. She is confident that he would come back to her hence her disinterest in starting something with you or any other man. She hasn’t hidden anything from you at all. You are a dear friend and nothing more. If you have read too much into the relationship before now, it is time for you to have a rethink based on what she has told you. The fact that you asked if she is a virgin means you haven’t been intimate with her or tilted your discussions to anything personal since 2009 that you met her. The fact that you didn’t know about her life until she initiated this discussion is an indication that you are also ignorant of what constitutes the foundation of a relationship. There is no way you can be in a relationship with someone without knowing some basic facts about that person’s past life. So your perception was all wrong in the first place. Such relationship could only have existed in your imagination. Now that she has told you all you need to know, the choice is yours to stay on with her as a friend while you begin the search for a girlfriend or to end your liaison with her if you find it unbearable to be close to her. She has given you the full options, including your place in her life. The final decision is yours to make and stop making yourself confused by your own refusal to accept the truth. Good luck.

I masturbate because she denies me sex…

With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, I thank you for the incisive way you treat problems. Hope mine will not be an exception. I am a 26-year-old undergraduate in my final year. My problem has to do with the attitude of my girlfriend who is of the same age with me. I love and cherish this girl so much but she hardly gives me attention. I am the one always calling and sending her text messages, and she hardly replies these messages. As a matter of fact she only beeps me once in two months. It isn’t a matter of her not having money to buy credit, because she at least works. Besides we don’t reside in the same location. I have made enough sacrifices in terms of showing her true love since we started two years ago. Once I tried having sex with her but when she declined, I haven’t bothered her since. All we do is to kiss. To satisfy my sexual desires, I masturbate. My intention is to get married to this girl as soon as I finish schooling. But since she isn’t giving me the attentions I desire, should I part ways with her and continue with my masturbation habit until I find someone who cares for me? Confused EJ. Dear Confused EJ, Being age mates with you, so many things combine to make her appears cold towards you. These are fundamental issues, but which she obviously doesn’t want to discuss with you. At 26, she is itching towards that important age most women begin to take serious the issue of their life partners, when they begin to sieve the wheat from the chaff. Being of the same age with her, you may not have much to offer her now especially as you are still in school while she is already working. You still have one year of service as well as one or two years to be psychologically ready that is if you already have a promised job. If you are going to join the thousands who have already graduated for years still looking for the few jobs around, then it may take longer than that for you to be ready. Add all these years to her current age and you will discover that by that time you would be in her 30s. This is obviously a risk she doesn’t want to take with you. She may find you very amicable and loving, but all these don’t count as important to a woman desperate to marry. It isn’t you she is rejecting, but the circumstances surrounding your person. Don’t get me wrong; this has nothing to do with money but with the reality on the ground. If you were through with education and only contending with the difficulties of looking for a job, it would be more appealing to her. She may also be worried about your eventual reaction to the issue of her age. Should she brave the odds to stick it out with you, what guarantees does she have that you would not find her too old for you when you are settled and have the opportunity of attracting the interest of a younger female? It could also be a case of your maturity or attitude. Both of you may be age mates, but being a woman her thinking and attitude would definitely be more matured than yours. It is a natural thing; women mature in their thinking and attitude faster than a man of their age. As the man, you should make out time to talk to her. Pre-empt her questions and worries because like I said these are worries she may not want to share with you. By initiating the discussions and addressing issues she didn’t want to discuss with you, you give her the chance to really open up on those things bothering her about a full-scale relationship with you. It would also give you a clear clue on how to tackle some things you have been worrying yourself over. It would also give you two the chance to talk about your future, plan and concretise certain things. For instance, both of you may decide that it is best for you to go into business once you graduate rather than waste precious time on searching for a job. You may have been together for two years, but you both haven’t gotten past the kindergarten stage in this relationship. It is time you discussed as two matured people dating and not like secondary school students who are scared of advertising their relationships. At 26, both of you are matured enough to know what you are into. By taking time out to talk about it, you throw open all the options available to you. As for the issue of masturbation, it isn’t an alternative to you having intimacy with a woman. It is a habit you must strive to outgrow before you begin to think of marriage. Good luck.

Should I marry him or not?

With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, Last year, I met this man who is 20 years older than I am. He is divorced. He didn’t hide the details of his life from me. He told me everything about his ex as well as the number of relationships he has been through as well as the reason he refused to marry all these years. From all that he said as well as what his friends and family members he introduced me to are saying, I know he is telling the truth. His two children are abroad so he is alone with his cook, driver and the house-boy. When he approached me for relationship, I dated him for the fun of it as well as the money, attention and care I was getting from it. I didn’t know he was serious about marrying me since I was already in a serious relationship with my boyfriend who was away in England in search of greener pasture. He was in England for three years but we were always in constant communication. At about the time the older man came into my life, things weren’t going on very well between us. His calls were becoming less. Besides, I was in need of some money to pay my rent as well as take care of other domestic things. This is why I initially agreed to date this older man. However, things became complicated as I got pregnant in the first month of our sleeping together. Without informing him, I aborted the pregnancy but he got to find out somehow. It became a big issue between us so much so, my mother got winds of it and without my permission went behind me to beg him. I later found out that he wasn’t angry with me but hurt that I could take such a decision without first asking him. We eventually made up. Unknown to me, my boyfriend was back in the country although he didn’t tell me that he was deported. So, we resumed our relationship while still dating the older man. Somehow he found out about the older man and I. Rather than get angry with me as I expected, he encouraged me to sustain the relationship. Unknown to me, it was because of the money he was getting from me. I later got to find out through a mutual friend that he was deported and that he never had a stable job while there. When I confronted him, he didn’t bother to deny it and threatened to expose my duplicity to my older boyfriend if I don’t continue to play ball with him; I had informed him three weeks before of my pregnancy which he suggested I pass off as my older lover’s because of what we would gain in terms of property from the older man. I had already done that before finding out about him as well as his threats. Along the line, the older man made a proposition to my family-he wanted to marry me for keeps. This is where I need your help. I don’t trust my younger boyfriend. He has changed into a monster. What if he goes to tell this man about us and the baby? He has also told me to perish any thoughts of aborting the child to avoid him going very public with our pact. I am so confused. I don’t know whether to go ahead and marry this man or call the bluff of my boyfriend and about the baby so as to be free of his blackmails. What do you suggest? I am beginning to fall in love with my older man hence don’t want any problem between us. Do help me resolve this issue. MOi Dear MOi, Until you resolve every outstanding issue you have wrapped into your relationship with this older man, don’t accept his proposal because you would be doing this man a great injustice. From your story, it can be safely deduced that this man must have suffered emotional problems in his life. Staying alone for 20 years after his marriage collapsed tells a story of a man who wanted to recover, take his time to avoid the pains of perhaps of a hasty decision he took when he was young and a man who wishes for some peace in his life. Even though you didn’t give his age, this man can’t be less than 60 hence lack the emotional health to contend with following the pains of another woman hurting him. Having stayed for 20 years before contemplating marriage again, he must have given the matter a lot of thoughts and consideration. He also must have thought you have something special to keep him happy in his old age. The fact that you went into the relationship because of his money is in itself bad enough; something that can cause this man to have a heart problem. Knowing that you and your boyfriend are also planning to pin on him a pregnancy that isn’t his for the sole aim of defrauding him after his death, of his hard earned money and resources would definitely destroy this man forever. I am sure you wouldn’t want any girl doing that to your father or son in later life. Also, something tells me you didn’t really give the matter a comprehensive thought before agreeing to what your younger lover asked you to do. There are many sides to what your younger boyfriend is asking you to do. At the end of the day, you will be left with nothing because as the biological father of the child, he will insist on being in control of whatever is the share of your child. If you refuse, this man is capable of killing you since greed and other assorted negative things have embraced and taken him over. This man isn’t the same boy you dated before he left for England. The experience there must have changed him into a different person and it is quite unfortunate you didn’t bother to rediscover him before throwing away the substance you have. The ideal thing you should have done at the point he came back and you wanted to reconnect with him was to have ended the relationship you went into his absence. The fact that he didn’t object to your relationship with this older man but insisted you continue in it for the sole aim of extracting money from the older man for him, should have also warned you that you were dealing with a totally different man. Your refusal to heed the warnings presented by his character is what is getting you further into an avoidable mess. The truth is, if you continue like this, you will never enjoy your marriage to this older man. As it is, your younger boyfriend sees you as his personal ATM machine; one he can withdraw from anytime he feels the need to spend money. It will only get worse as he gets older and more frustrated with the system. So it is in your best interest you think properly before taking the final decision. The most noble thing for you to do is to turn down the offer of this man to marry you. Besides it is too late in the day to throw up the love sentiment. This is what you should have considered first before engaging in all the atrocities you went into with your young lover. This older man may end up forgiving you if he hears the truth from you but you have to come clean with the truth. Let him know the pregnancy isn’t his and every other thing you have done with your young lover. Mature men have a way of looking at things differently. At his age, he definitely has seen life in all the shades it has, so might end up appreciating your guts at the end of the day as long as he hears it from you and not from some young man trying to blackmail him or make fun of his ego as a man and husband. Besides, it will end the rule of tyranny of your young lover over your life. you can bet your life that the moment he discovers that you have spilled the beans and that he has nothing to blackmail you with, he will stop bothering you. The truth is you will never be free of him until you take this bold step. So, it is better you deal with this man once and for all. If he doesn’t marry you, at least you will be leaving him with a clear conscience and peaceful mind. This is what is important at end of the day. As for the pregnancy; the choice is yours since you took the decision to get pregnant with your eyes opened. Even at the risk of both men leaving you dry in the middle of the ocean, tell your older man the truth. Good luck.

She doesn’t call except to say thank you

With Agatha Edo, Email: womaneditor@independentngonline.com, gataedo@yahoo.com or agatha.edo@gmail.com Dear Agatha, I like my girlfriend a lot and she likes me too. She is in her 200 level at the university while I am still trying for admission into a university. I am always calling and sending her text messages. But she doesn’t call or send me text messages. The only time she does is when I send her credit and it is just to thank me. When I call to ask why she hasn’t gotten in touch with me, she tells me she stressed up from lectures and her phone has problem which I am aware of. My very good friend thinks I am giving her too much attention that I should give her a break for a while; to enable me observe how she would react. This I did. This is one month. She hasn’t bothered to get in touch with me. I really don’t know what is wrong because I love her so much. It was a tough struggle not to call her for that month. I also heard that her boyfriend broke up with her as a result of my many text messages to her. I just don’t want to lose her now. I really want to be with her for as long as our friendship would last because I really have deep and true feelings for her. I am not ready to deceive her in any way. I have never felt like this about any other girl. We started out as friend. When I noticed my very strong feelings for her, I told her about it. She is the only girl in my life. I feel so lonely when she is far away in school that at times, I wish I could go and visit her in school. I miss her so much. I believe in every friendship, there should be accurate communication between the partners involved before other things can follow. Agatha, do you think she still feels anything for me even as she hardly gets in touch? Do you think I should hope she would start calling me soon because it really disturbs me a lot. Please help me out. Sam. Dear Sam, Unless there is a corresponding interest on her part, there is little or nothing you can do. Feelings must be properly reciprocated to be worthwhile. Sincerely, the major disadvantage against your chances with her is the difference in your academic years. Already, she is midway in hers while you are still struggling to make it into the university. By the time she graduates and finishes her service year, you will only be in your mid year at school. And by the time she is ready to settle down, you would still be struggling to serve with no prospect of getting a good job. When the job eventually comes, you will need time to settle down, think out your priorities. Would she have the patience to wait for you to be ready? Even if she has, what guarantees does she have that you would still be passionate about her in view of her age at that time? These could be part of her cold shoulders to you. For the majority of women it gets to an age when love isn’t just enough, when idealism gives way to reality. Once a woman gets to the age of reality, when she realizes her time clock is ticking away and the chances of her ever becoming fulfilled as a woman is diminishing as each day goes by, availability and not love becomes the issue. Although, another time would come in later life when the passion of her time gives way to sound reason but, she has to go through this process of wanting to be a mother first. By the time she would wished she had waited or listened to you, the wrinkle days would have come. Although life goes in circles, its different seasons and their demands can never be altered hence must be respected to the fullest. Although you could be of the same age, her years in the university, her dreams and goals in life have all made her more matured and deep thinking than you. While you seem only focused on your current feelings for her, her attitude shows she has gone deeper and may have come to the conclusions that it is better not to get involved with you at all. This is why she doesn’t feel any need to call or send you text messages. She only responds to your calls out of politeness, not because she agrees with your feelings for her. The fact that she has a boyfriend, you are aware of is instructive. Give her space to be happy with her choice else she may never be able to forgive you for destroying her happiness with your obsessions with her. Sincerely, I think you should concentrate efforts on getting into the university. From experience, you will survive this feeling, no matter how intense. Hearts at your age are meant to be broken and mended. It is the way of life as well as gathering the required experiences in life. You will need experiences and stories like this to help a lot of young ones coming after you to heal from their emotional wounds. If it’s of any help, every adult person has had his or heart broken at one time or the other. The beauty of life is that time helps to make fun of moments like this later in life. A time would come in your life when you would look at this moment and laugh at your feelings and actions. However, what is critical in your life now is, what you need now is to prove to yourself especially that you have dreams beyond securing the heart of a woman. And until you gain admission into the university, this girl or any serious minded girl you may develop interest in later may not appreciate the uniqueness that is in you. Until you market, package yourself as a focused young man, nobody will ever take you serious. Given the mentality of some people, staying at home, though due to no fault of yours could make have made them come to wrong conclusions about your person. For those who worship paper qualifications, you will never be good enough to be associated with unless you join the league of people with higher qualifications. Therefore, gaining admission into the university would change a lot of things about you. The best way you can continue to be relevant in her life is to be the friend she desires whenever she appears in it need of a person to talk to. Don’t worry too much. God would compensate you with a girl who would love you as much as you love her. Good luck

I slept with my ex three months to my wedding

With Agatha Edo, Email: womaneditor@independentngonline.com, gataedo@yahoo.com or agatha.edo@gmail.com Dear Agatha, My wedding is slated for the first Saturday in March. The invitations are already out and everything has been booked. We have even paid for the venue. Until last month, everything was going well for me. I honestly thought I loved my husband-to-be with all my heart and no man could ever come between us. But how wrong the projection of my life is turning out to be. A chance meeting with my first love after about 16 years is what is threatening my well-planned life. I honestly didn’t plan for this to happen but every woman who has been in love before knows what it feels like to meet the first man in her life after a long time of separation. Though he left me for my best friend, at the time we met, all those details didn’t matter. One thing led to another and we ended up in bed. It brought back all the wonderful memories of all those wonderful times we had before my friend came between us. I discovered that he is divorced after two children with my friend who according to him now lives in England. According to him, he decided to come home after being away for such a long time to attend to his father’s business. He wants us to begin again. He has apologised to me and I am tempted to take him back because I feel good being with him. I haven’t told anyone about him because I know nobody will ever support me. I am 38 and have been so lucky to find my current boyfriend who is 45 and widowed. He has been my pillar of support and truly shows extra-ordinary love and kindness towards me and my family. But this is about my love life; my happiness. I am so confused about what is happening to me. My current relationship is three years old while my first love and I go back a long way. Please help me because I don’t know how to tackle what I feel for my first love. Iyabo. Dear Iyabo, Being human and a woman, I understand the power of first love. I also understand the many sentiments we women sometimes put into play when serious matters spring up. However more than you, I recognise the danger such unreasonable and not well thought out emotions can cause in the life of a person. No doubt, you have the right to your life, to spend it with whosoever you want, but you are not an island, which means, your decisions would also affect others close to you. It is because of these other people who would be affected by your decision, and suffer your shame and pains that you should consider. It is called respect for the feelings of others since this matter has gone beyond what you want to what others also want. Sixteen years ago, when he walked out on you to marry your best friend with whom he has two kids, whatever you both felt for each other was limited to you two. Then, it wasn’t the business or pains of the collective. Those who knew then didn’t think anything of giving you their support and understanding to get back on your feet. If you think deeply, you wouldn’t have been able to cope without all those people who held your hands and wept with you during those emotionally painful days. For being there all those years supporting you, praying that you also find happiness makes you accountable to them. This is aside the many issues you are refusing to take into consideration. Beyond the good sex you claim to be having with him as well as the sentiments of being your first love, there is nothing to suggest that this man cares for you at all. Your meeting was not inspired by a need to see you or even apologise for running away with your best friend and marrying her. It was one of those accidental meetings that didn’t include you or any plan to get serious with you. You are making things too easy for him and in the process messing up your own life. Deep down, do you think he will marry you if your husband-to-be finds out you have been cheating on him? What if he is still married to your friend and lying about being separated from her? Any man who could run off with your best friend cannot be trusted. If your motive is to hurt your friend as much as she once hurt you, you are making a very big mistake. If this man walks away from you now, how much time do you have as a woman to meet another man, get married and have children? And how would you feel if your husband-to-be were the one cheating on you and thinking of walking away from your wedding plans? This is a temptation you must resist. From the tone of your letter, you are the one pursuing an agenda; not this man. If you hadn’t thrown yourself at him, he wouldn’t have insisted on anything. But being a man, he is definitely taking advantage of everything you are offering. And typically, he has to come up with stories you want to hear to make it easy on your conscience. If you care to probe deeper, you will find out that the flame is only on your side; not from him at all. Besides, he has tried to be truthful to you. He came back because of his father’s business not for you or expected to run into you for that matter. If he didn’t want you when you were younger and fresh for him, what makes you think he wants you now? The fact that he never cared about your person beyond your body is the reason he isn’t protesting the amount of time you are spending with him instead of the man you are getting married to in March. Deep down, he would be thanking his stars he didn’t end up with you because once you can be unfaithful with him, you can do it with another man. If he cared just a little bit about you, he would be discouraging you from what you are doing. Besides, if you must know, what you feel isn’t peculiar to you. Most women go through premarital blues. It is expected because one is leaving familiar things for uncertainty. No reasonable person goes for a journey without projection. And if you really care for your husband-to-be, stop what you are doing with your ex. Don’t forget his first wife died. You will be killing him completely if he finds out about your behaviour. He may not survive it because it would be just like losing another woman in his life. It is time to end the party before it is too late. This man may represent fun but you can teach your husband-to-be how to make you happy. There is no relationship without sacrifices. If you like making love in a particular way, direct him appropriately. It is what marriage is all about. You are not a butterfly anymore. There is a limit to the risks and foolishness of the heart at your age. Rest your first love finally. His time is past. You are now a real woman who should be able to think with her head and not her heart. Good luck.

Is she testing my love for her?

With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, You are indeed a rare gem when it comes to tackling of affairs and relationships. My sincere prayer is for your hands to continue to be lifted higher. I am 26 years old while my girlfriend is girl 21. I met her while in a serious relationship with another woman. We actually started as causal friends until my feelings for her changed to something deeper. I fell completely in love with her even though I was still with the old one. After a while my old girlfriend, became involved with another man. I didn’t know but when I got to know, I used it as an excuse to quit the relationship to enable me concentrate on my new relationship. We are so much into each other that I am already planning a future together with her. but, of recent, I discovered some changes in her nature. Apart from not sending text messages as before, she also doesn’t call me as often as before. In addition she seems very uncomfortable these days in my company. When it was becoming so obvious, I had to confront her about the changes I noticed in her attitude towards me. She told me nothing was the matter but I am very worried even as my friends think she is only trying to test me; to know my kind of person. Agatha, I want to know where I stand with her since, I don’t want to lose her. TO. Dear TO, There are several ways to deal with an issue. Sometimes, solutions are not only resolved through dialogue alone; at times, it helps to go beyond talking to demonstrating one’s desires and thoughts. There is no contesting the fact that, your relationship needs more flesh and squeeze to make it work reasonably well. Her reaction maybe induced by fear of the speed at which you are going. At 26 and 21, marriage shouldn’t be the first thing on your lists of priority. Certain things must be in place before you begin to get serious in that direction. It is good to have a dream, but what is important is the kind of nurture and plan that goes into conceptualizing that dream. Beyond the passion you feel for this lady, what kinds of preparation have you put into place? As a man, what if she gets pregnant along the line, are you capable of playing your role as father and husband in your present position? One thing is to love, desire and dream; another thing is for one to have the ability to make the dream soar. Your desire to be her husband can only be achieved, if you exercise the patience to plan well. What you should to is to sit her down to hear her plans for herself and to share yours with her. Between sharing yours with her and she telling you what hers are, you will be able to talk about the future without pretenses. From this conversation, you will be able to have a preview into her kind of persons and dreams. It would give you a clear idea if you are the kind of man she needs in her life to make it happen for her. you may love her but if you don’t have the ability to help her achieve what she wants from life, it may not work at the end of the day. You have to give her reasons to stay. Check yourself, put yourself in her shoes? If you were a woman, would you take yourself serious? She could be the kind of woman who is looking for substance in her man and not, one who dwells only in flowery love prose. Find out first who she really is to enable you know how to respond to her person. don’t expect her to act like your ex. Good luck.

My uncle-in-law is against my relationship with his distant cousin

With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, I really appreciate your candid advice to people. May our Lord increase in you the gift more, for service to humanity. Please I am dying slowly in my heart. I have been in love with this lady for over a year now, we have never had any misunderstanding that lasted for 24hours because we both dedicated our relationship to God. Painfully our relationship is about to come to an end as a result of the opposition of my aunt’s husband and my parents to our relationship. My parents are not in good terms with me any more. The reason for their opposition is that this lady’s great-grandfather is related to the great grandfather of my aunt’s husband. Furthermore, this lady’s parents are enemies with the family of aunt’s husband. My question is this; should this be a genuine reason for us to end this solid relationship that has taken the wisdom of God as well as His mercy to build? Please help. I’m dying slowly. Yours Humility. Dear Humility, Your uncle-in-law has no right to exploit the politics of his extended family to deny you and your girlfriend the chance to be happy together. Just like he came into your family to get married to the love of his life, you are also going into his family to get married to the only woman who gives you happiness. To dig up some ancient family misunderstanding between great grandparents who are dead is being wicked and unfair. He is carrying the ancient misunderstanding too far and exploiting his position in your family to deny you and your girlfriend happiness. The two people who generated the cold war are no more so why should the two of you suffer for what must have been a personal and selfish interest preservation between two brothers? He came into your family to get married hence lacks the right to meddle or insist on having his way when it comes to the decision of who you marry. At best his role in your personal life is advisory, not the authoritarian he is assuming to be. Go first to your mother and plead with her that your family isn’t part of the feud between the relatives of your aunt’s husband hence it would be unfair for your own happiness to be sacrificed. Tell her she and your father would be denying you of once in a life time chance to go into matrimony with the woman who loves and really understands you. Really plead with her. Mothers have the gift of knowing when their children are really sad and hurting. If possible, produce tears to drive home your point. Explain the kind of happiness, peace and joy your woman gives you. There is also the need for you to visit your uncle-in-law man to man. Refuse to be intimidated by him. Go to him as a man sure of the decisions he wants to take. Make it clear that your mind is made up but that you have come to listen to his reasons with a view of knowing what really his grouse is beyond the reasons he is advancing. Listen to whatever he has to say before making it clear what he stands to gain by you not marrying the lady. He must be able to come up with a reason that overshadows the issue of this aged long quarrel. Ask him if he can tell you categorically what actually transpired between the two people whose cause he is still pursuing? Take him to the scripture on what God said about forgiveness. Explain to him that history is giving him the opportunity through your love for his distant cousin to reconcile the entire family and that he has the right to accept the rare privilege of being the peace envoy or allowing history pass him by. End your discussion with him by making it clear that you hold the ace in this matter and that since nobody in your family placed barriers on his way when he came to marry your sister, you will appreciate if he accords you the same respect and support to marry the woman after your heart. Follow this discussion with another one with your father. Ask him who is more important to him; your aunt’s husband or you his son. give him some thing to munch on. there is no reasonable parent that will put the love of another above his or her own child. As long as you go about it with a rational mind, not insulting anybody in the process of getting things done your way. However, be sure you are really in love with this woman; that you know her and that both of you are aware of the complications of marriage. This is imperative to avoid the complications and mockery that would follow should there be a major disagreement between the two of you some few months down the road. In addition you have to surrender everything to God because He only has the answers to every of our problem in life. There is nothing you can do if He hasn’t patterned your lives to be together. So begin the battle for the love of your life by going first to God in prayers. If you indeed place Him above everything else, you will succeed in getting your family to support your plans and decisions to spend the rest of your lives together. Good luck.

He threatens to poison us after raping my cousin

With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, I am a 13 year old girl and in JSS 3. Three weeks ago, my father’s youngest brother came to live with us. He is about 18 and seeking admission into the university. I overhead my parents describing him as the black sheep of the family because of the many problems he always gets into. At about the same time, my mother’s younger sister who was having problems with her marriage dropped her daughter who is about my age with us. My mother told me she will be living with us too because her mother cannot take care of her and her two other brothers as a result of the problems she was having with her husband and his family. Being an only child, I was happy for the company of my cousin. It will be the first time we would be staying together even though I have met her on three or four occasions. My mother runs a gift item shop while my father is a businessman. Most of the time, my cousin and I are always on our own. I really don’t know how or what happened but the only thing I know is that I found my cousin crying in the bedroom with bloodstained pants. She said my father’s brother raped her. When I challenged him, he threatened to poison us all if ever consider telling my parents but promised not to repeat the incident again if I don’t. I am very afraid of him. My cousin and I are scared he will do it again. At the same time, we don’t want to die. I don’t know what to do. Please help me. My friends say we should put one chemical they taught us in chemistry class in his drink since he likes soft drinks a lot; that it will make him stop harassing my cousin. I am afraid it might kill him since we are told it is poisonous. Please help us. Emmanuela. Dear Emmanuela, Don’t hesitate to inform your parents. His threat to poison your entire family is to stop you from broadcasting what he has done to your parents. Once a rapist; always a rapist, there is no changing the fact. There is nothing to stop him from continuing in his devilish desires of your cousin’s body. And if you are not careful, he will pounce on you too eventually. More than anything else, consider the trauma of your poor innocent cousin whose life your uncle is destroying by taking advantage of her. How would you feel in her shoes? The fact that you know and unwillingly to fight on her behalf, makes you at the end of it all, also guilty. She is your guest and as such entitled to your protection. What if she gets pregnant through this? What stories will you be telling then? Besides, in her attempt to protect herself from shame, she could attempt an abortion on her own which if it doesn’t result in her dying, could end up creating a lifetime problem for her. So you see, the issue here is more than the rape itself to the many complications that face women as a result of unprotected sex. It is when you broadcast your intentions that he will make good his threats to poison your family. When your parents come, go to your mother and report the incident to her. Let her also know about his threat to get you all poisoned. This is important so that proper medical attention can be given to your cousin whose body maybe housing unwanted pregnancy or some forms of Sexually Transmitted Diseases (STDs) he may have transmitted to her. Besides, she needs some help to recover from the ordeal of the rape as well as protection. The fact that she came into your house as a result of the problems her own parents are currently having makes it imperative for her to be given all the attention and help to come back to herself. The complexity of her case is enveloped in the issues that brought her to live with you. Like every normal person, she is bound to blame her parents’ failure to protect their own marriage as the reason for her ordeal in your house. If she hadn’t come to stay, there is no way your uncle would have had the opportunity to rape her. And if you believe the lie of your uncle to kill everybody and he continues to rape her, she would come to hate you at the end of it all. Living with the hate of someone is worse than anything else since it exposes you to untold difficulties in life. There is no telling what a hateful heart is able to do to a person it hates. It is capable of killing especially if your life turns out better and more defined that hers. The combination of the failure of her parents’ marriage and the issue of her rape if not properly handled could change her attitude towards men and marriage later in future. As it is now, you are the only one who can really offer her the assurance of love and provide her with something to hope for. Telling your parents will make a lot of difference in the eventual decision of this young lady who clearly is in need of stability and help. Don’t come to his level by trying to poison him. I know how great the temptation is but, to do that would be to take laws into your hands. At the end of the day, nobody would judge him by the crime he had committed but, by you and your cousin taking laws into your hands. It would be a case of murder because there is no telling what kind of chemical your friends are suggesting you lace his drinks with. Both of you are too young to carry such a burden for life. It would be cancelling one wrong with another equally terrible criminal offence. Besides you haven’t even told your parents about it so why opt for something so hash? Stop sourcing for help from your friends. Your parents are well equipped and in a position to handle the matter effectively. What your friends are suggesting is cold blood murder; one that will end up destroying your parents and everyone in the family. And if you cannot tell your parents, please send their numbers to me so I can tell them myself. Good luck.

I am in love with my brother

With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, Please help me resolve this problem I am having with my mother’s eldest son. She gave birth to him long before she met and married my father. We didn’t grow up together because his father took him from my mother when he was still young. He didn’t even allow him come visit my mother. But he decided to come when his father died. From all indices, he is well to do. Right from the very first day I met him, I fell in love with him. I want him like I have never desired any man. I have tried to control my emotions but the more I try, the harder it becomes for me to stop my feelings for him. He recently came to our mother to introduce the woman he intends to marry. I hate her with a passion because she has what belongs to me. How do I get him to love me and forget about the woman in his life? Although some of my friends say what I feel for him isn’t permitted but we don’t have the same father which means I can marry him isn’t it? Please tell me it is right for me to pursue him; that I can marry him. He is everything I have ever wanted in a man. On account of what I feel for him, I terminated my relationship with my former boyfriend. Another thing is how do I go about presenting my desire to him? Teena. Dear Teena, You are in love with your own brother and you don’t see anything wrong with it? Your mother’s eldest child; the same person you shared her womb space with? Crush immediately whatever prompted those feelings inside of you and face reality. Everywhere in the world the mother’s ties are the strongest and most deep. A mother’s womb unifies and is the key to the strength of her children because of the presence of the umbilical cord. You and this man you claim to be in love with share the same umbilical cord; the kind that cannot be broken or denied. Falling in love with him therefore spells doom for not just you but for your mother and other siblings as well. You will also be affecting the relationship between your father and mother. No matter how hard it may appear, perish the feelings you have for him by going back to your former boyfriend. Appeal to him over whatever you told him is the reason for your leaving him. Irrespective of whatever the issues are, you can both make it work. You need your former boyfriend and the relationship you have with him to rout the unholy feelings you have for your brother and to subsequently resist the tendency for it to grow back again. It isn’t every feeling that we experience is allowed to grow. Common sense and the law of moral decency demand you abort this one because it would amount to incense. If nothing else, consider the pains of your mother if she knows that her daughter is in love with her son. Try putting yourself in her shoes if in later years as a mother you discover such an abominable thing between your children. That you both didn’t grow up together doesn’t erase the fact that he is your brother. Getting close to God will help you recover completely. Good luck.

My friend made me betray him

With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, What can I do to win back the love I lost through my carelessness? Two years ago, my boyfriend was so much in love with me; so much so I could do no wrong in his opinion. Even when his mother made it very obvious she didn’t want me for a daughter-in-law, my boyfriend told her she was welcomed to her opinion just as he reserved the right to his choice of a wife. He was so much in love with me I thought I he could always turn a blind eye to my faults. There was no doubting his trust for me and mine for him. Many of our friends envied the kind of understanding we both displayed to each other. This foolishness made me to accept the suggestions of my friend that I put our love to test by pretending to be dating another man. According to her, it would be the final proof of his love for me. She said a woman cannot be so categorical about the feelings of her man towards her unless she subjected him to some forms of tests. The game plan was to be calling my mysterious boyfriend right in his presence; and sending love messages to him. We agreed that we would use another number of hers, not registered on my phone. Unknown to me it was a ploy by my so called friend to destroy the relationship between my boyfriend and I. Because the number isn’t on my phone, any message I sent her, she would forward to my boyfriend and give the phone to her brother to answer it whenever my boyfriend called the number to ask who was sending the messages. Through this brother of hers, she was able to really convince my boyfriend that I was actually having an affair unknown to me. But, whenever I called the number, she would pick it up personally. I didn’t suspect what was going on until it became a real issue between my boyfriend and I. By the time I told him it was all a joke to see how much he cared about it me, the harm had been done. He was already convinced beyond reasons that I was indeed dating another man. To make the matter more complex was the denial of my friend of this arrangement between us. Being my close friend, he believed her. For almost 18 months, he refused to have anything to do with me despite the interventions of his friends and even his mother. At a time, he changed his number, left town and I couldn’t get through to him again. When his friends gave me the new number, he changed his number again. I was almost giving up hope of anything between us when he suddenly came back in October last year to see me. I later got to know from him that my friend tried to force him into a relationship with her and that the condition he gave her for anything between them was to tell him the truth concerning what really transpired between the two of us. In her desperation to have him, she admitted to our arrangement and told him how she always handed the phone to her brother to talk to him whenever he called the number to find out who it was sending love messages to me. Despite finding out the truth, he is still very angry with me for agreeing to such a suggestion. His anger is fuelled by his believe that I don’t trust him enough despite everything he has done to be opened to me. Although he has technically come back to me but he is withdrawn; not the man that left me several months ago. His mother who strangely has become my ally says I should let him be for now-that he would get over the feelings of anger eventually. He has also banned me from keeping friends. My pleas that not all my friends are like my former best friend have fallen on deaf ears. I love him with all my heart but I don’t know how to handle this new him or find the warmth in his heart for me. Do help me. I love him so dearly and already seven weeks pregnant for him. I just want to win him back again. We are getting married by the first week of February Confused Lady. Dear Confused Lady, One way to ensure you win him back is to invest unconditional love into him and your relationship. His mother is right, ignore whatever attitude he is putting up now; he hasn’t said he isn’t in love with you or that he is no longer interested in spending the rest of his life with you. besides you two are getting married. for a man that is cold towards you, agreeing to marry you is evidence of his love. He is only hurt that despite his transparency, you still doubted his love for you sufficiently as to put your relationship under the kind of threat you did. In his shoes, you will also feel the kinds of emotions he is feeling. To whom much is given, much is expected. You should never have listened to your friend or anybody for that matter. Being his woman, you should have stood in total support and trust for your husband. What if he didn’t trick your friend to tell him the truth? He could have lost the only woman he obviously cared so much for. So you see, it isn’t just about you but also him, his life and dream. No man wants to spend the rest of his life with a woman he doesn’t have natural connection with. Having met and loved you, it would have been impossible for him to settle for less. Besides the anguish of thinking he was wrong about you when he thought you were two-timing him, there is also the emotional trauma you put him through by your foolish agreement with your friend. Such feelings don’t disappear in a day. It will take him sometime before he can relax in very well in your presence. Besides, he needs to be assured that you won’t go betting with his heart and future again with another friend of yours. It couldn’t have been a tea party for him to wake up one day to discover that the woman he has invested so much into may not be the right woman. Finding out that you didn’t even consider how he felt or how your decision will affect him and his feelings for you must have cut a very deep wound in him. One way to make up is to do exactly as he has requested; keep your friends at bay. Don’t bring them too close besides, having friends now should be the last thing on your mind if you really want this man fully back into your life. As a matter of fact, he shouldn’t be the one requesting you to do away with friends; after what you went through in the hands of a close friend, you should not wait for him to tell you how to relate with your current set of friends. If your so called best friend can betray you in this manner, it is only reasonable for him to wonder and be apprehensive about your other friends. The first step towards thawing him is to let go of these friends; it will give him some confidence in your ability to reason rationally as well as his place in your heart. The kernel of the issue at hand is his place in your heart and life. Just as he has made you his pride, he desires you make him your essence too. Expecting his baby gives you all the reason in the world to bring him close. Drag him into your excitement by including him in every plan you make for the baby. Let him be the one complaining about not having the time to accompany you to the hospital, shops and whatever you want to do. Place him high up in your preference scale. Seek his opinion about the kinds of things you want to buy for the baby. Get him to read books, watch films that have to do with babies together. Envelop him in the excitement of having this baby. The ploy is to take his mind off the issue that happened in the past, to introduce him to many exciting things ahead and to engage his mind on his new responsibility to you and his child. The enthusiasm of having a baby as well as getting married to you at last will go a long way in helping to quell his acrimony towards you. Importantly, always learn to be obedient to your husband by placing his happiness and love about everything else. What he needs is a simple assurance of your love, trust and belief in his person. You are lucky he came back because not many men would come back after 18 months or after the incident. Some would think, you agreed to that suggestion from your friend because you have it in you to play around. Good luck.

Is she playing with my emotions?

With Agatha Edo, Email: womaneditor@independentngonline.com, gataedo@yahoo.com or agatha.edo@gmail.com Dear Agatha, I am a man of 28 years of age dating a 23 year old lady. We started dating about four months ago and I love this girl very much because she has all the qualities I want in a woman. But, my problem is, I don’t know her at all. There was a time I called her on phone and heard a guy’s voice. When I asked for the identity of the man, she told me he was her brother who came for a visit. I asked that the phone be given to him so I can speak with him. I asked him about his studies as well as his department. I discovered he is also in the same department as my girlfriend. During the course of our conversation, he said my girlfriend had told him so much about me. I was confused because all along, my girlfriend gave me the impression that her brother was working. Agatha, do you think this girl loves me? Could that boy be her school boyfriend? Could she be using me? I am confused. Please help me. Confused Boyfriend. Dear Confused Boyfriend, Both of you are just starting out hence need time to know each other. Commitment isn’t something that happens in a day, it takes a length of time and devotion to make it come out in the right texture. Nothing would work between the two of you if you begin to question or suspect every move she makes or her motive. Both of you are coming from different backgrounds as well as lives. Before you, she had a life just as you had one too. She may not have totally disengaged from a relationship she was in before you came along. The average girl these days likes to slowly, dip one foot into the river before making up her mind on whether to put in the second foot. It is a kind of security because just as men are afraid of being disappointed, women too are scared of having their hearts broken by men. It is a matter of trust for a couple to make a relationship work well. What you should do is to pretend you haven’t noticed anything. It takes a lot of sacrifices to achieve a good relationship. In every relationship, one person must be gentle and deeper in wisdom than the other person. As one aspiring to be the head of a home, you have to learn to cope with the nature of a woman. You have only just met four months ago. It would take more than this time for you to know who she is. There is a huge difference between who and what we all are. Unless she has only one brother, this one could be another brother in school. Besides, he could be a close cousin. You will look stupid if after reacting negatively, the man turns out to be who she says he is. This is why you have to make the sacrifice of lack of complaint. Learn it as a virtue if you want to live with a woman successfully. Like a house, a relationship must have a very solid foundation to be able to carry the weight of the building that would stand on it. If the architect and structural engineer don’t work hand in hand to ensure that the right materials are used in the right places, such a building may collapse eventually or develop severe problems later in life. The same thing goes for a relationship. You and your girlfriend must come to the drawing board with dummy visuals of the kind of relationship you want to have. Both of you must agree to something that would work for both of you. To do it right and get the kind of commitment needed to drive it to complete fulfillment, you have to go the extra mile. Don’t also forget at 23, she may not be as ready as you are. At her age, a lot of men would definitely be around her, seeking her attention. This is the time a man, waits with the patience of the dove. To get it right with her and earn her trust, be a good friend; don’t frighten her too much with too many questions for now. Like a child feeling its way through slippery terrains, be cautious until you have the confidence of her character to insist on certain things. She may really be in love with you for now but if she discovers you are too suspicious, she may out of fear retreat. It can really hurt when one isn’t guilty of an offence he or she is being accused of. I am sure you also have one or two female friends or relations in your life that will never leave your life. This boy could just be that kind of friend whose real identity she is afraid to divulge to you for fear of what you would say. If she isn’t used to sharing her thoughts or life with anyone, it would take a while for her to begin to. A lot would depend on the kind of friendship you are offering her. Don’t forget that we are only ambassadors of the different environments we grew up in. just like you are a product of your background, she is also a reflection of all the different people and friends she has come into contact with. It is too early to think she is out to deceive you. Get to know her better to avoid you coming to the wrong conclusions. A little dose of patience will answer all your questions clearly. Good luck.

She complains all the time about my size

With Agatha Edo, Email: womaneditor@independentngonline.com, gataedo@yahoo.com or agatha.edo@gmail.com Dear Agatha, I commend you for your effort in answering the so many questions to our problems. I am a married man but my wife is always complaining about the smallness of my manhood. I don’t want to take drug due to its side effect in future, so I want you to advise me on ways of enlarging my male organ. I would prefer a natural method. I would sincerely appreciate an urgent response. S.Y. Dear S.Y., It is amazing the way most men worry about the size of their manhood. One would have thought with the amount of information on sex, men would stop to worry about the size and concentrate more on what can be achieved with what they have. Sincerely, for most women, size may not matter as much as the effectiveness of the act provided men are ready to break new grounds as well as do away with traditional stereotypes that insist sex is a forbidden thing, done only for procreation and should not be recreational. Within the bounds of marriage, such stereotypes only serve to dull excitement embedded in the marriage package. This is why men continue to think size is the same thing as efficiency and authority. Women respect the efficiency and the sense of responsibility of a man, not the size of his manhood. Therefore, there is nothing stopping a man with smaller manhood from sexually satisfying a woman. This is because only the first few inches of the virginal are sexually receptive hence once a man is able to have contact with the outer rim he can satisfy his woman sexually. Besides, the clitoris is placed where any size can reach it. God in His infinite wisdom designed the woman’s body in such a way that she gets satisfaction and give it to any man even if small sized. Size is more psychological than biological. It only becomes an issue if couples allow it a place of pride in their relationships. This is one question I get asked all the time no matter the answer I give. In the first place, nobody can tell what the ideal size of a woman’s breasts or male organ should be but a recent survey puts the average size of an active male organ at between 5.5 to 6.3 inches. But the majority falls between 4.7 and 5.1 inches. However, the secret to complete happiness is for a man to be happy with what he has because that is what makes him unique. This is the point you must learn to accept. Yes, your wife has an opinion but you must make her understand that your size has nothing to do with your ability to satisfy her. If she loves you, she would not leave you for another man no matter the challenge with your size. What you both need is a lot of imagination as well as the openness to experiment without reservations. When it comes to the art of lovemaking, size and width do not matter as much as the imagination of a couple. Some men are excessively endowed but find it extremely difficult to get any woman to stay with them because of the inability of most women to accommodate them. To get a woman to stay with them such men must learn, just like less endowed men to rely more on their hands, tongues and mouth to get the female going. This is the art that makes one experience different from the other. Because love within a marriage is meant to be expressed beyond measure, a definite gift from God, you and your wife must first bury whatever prejudices you both grew up with. To get to the kernel, lot of work, perseverance, interest as well as determination must first be deployed towards cracking the shell. The same principle applies to the art of lovemaking, especially where a couple hits a challenge like yours. You, being the one with the perceived problem must be willing to do everything within limits to ensure your partner doesn’t escape with the feeling of being cheated or angry at being deceived by you into a union she won’t get the maximum sexual satisfaction from. To this end you must encourage her to speak out her mind at every point, listen to her suggestions on how to please her as well as follow her initiatives with a clear mind. Like every other thing in life, lovemaking isn’t static. It must be constantly upgraded and distilled to give a couple the right blend. This means a couple must not only strive to achieve excellence but must do everything to patent their own act to fit into their uniqueness. For example, the technique that works for your friend and his partner may not work for you because they don’t have the challenge you and your partner have. So you must first evaluate not only the urgent problems but all those that are hidden as well. For instance, is the issue only that of you not having the ideal length of manhood? Would having the ideal length solve the problem of your lack of sexual satisfaction once and for all? Remember that for most women, satisfaction and not the size of the male organ is what matters at the end of the day. Make her talk and give her the concomitant freedom to really express herself on the matter. Don’t shut her up, feel bad or get suspicious when she is making her opinion on the matter known. Although she is your wife, her needs must be given the same recognition as yours to be happy with the choice she made to love you unconditionally. The danger of not involving her in your quest for solutions is the possibility of losing her completely to another man. This is one salient fact you must not overlook. She has the right to discontinue if she feels she is not being given the right to her desires. This is why you must enlist her help. So tell your wife to stop complaining and think of productive ways of achieving sexual satisfaction with you. Tell her she has all the freedom in the world to use her imagination to help both of you become better lovers because you are both licensed by God and man to tap into sex unlimited nectar. This is the only way to make her stop complaining as well as secure her only understanding and support to make her happy. You have to break away from the traditions that insist sexual satisfaction falls under the exclusive male list. This is the point: men and the society create problems within the marriage institution. When there is a sexual dissatisfaction within the marriage framework, irrespective of who is complaining, it behooves the couple to adopt a liberal and sincere attitude towards its solution. Frankly, when it comes to the delicate issue of sex, it is neither a man’s nor woman’s world. Rather, it is a world of happiness and satisfaction. What you should do is to look for quality books that talk about positions and postures couples seeking ultimate joy in sex should adopt. There are some positions that seem to give more volume to the male organ. Google the internet for information on such books or ask your book retailer. These books are not pornography materials, rather they are well researched quality books put together by highly educated individuals who from years of researches know that sex to man is as important as the air we all breathe. Once man is able to overcome the pretenses and admit to the essence of sex, solutions to sexual challenges become very easy. As for your second question, yes, there are ways to increase the size of a male organ but some of them are dubious which is why it is very important a couple works at finding its own rhythm, rather than concentrating efforts at getting a solution that might not be forth coming or could lead to more emotional and psychological frustrations at the end of the day. There are penile enhancement surgeries where penis can be lengthened to more than 10 inches. But the urgent question is, how would you determine the depth of your woman’s body? The average for a woman is about four to eight inches which means your woman might not be able to accommodate you if you are very huge. Do you really want to get into measuring your anatomy like a tailor measuring clothes? Would your wife in her quest to make you have the right size allow her depth to be measured so that you are done to fit her perfectly? In addition, these operations cost real money because they fall within the category of plastic surgery. Do you have the money and at the end of the day, would the fee charged be worth the satisfaction? There are also many herbal pills and exercises that claim to increase size but you may have to go to NAFDAC to get the list of such drugs cleared for human consumption. It would be interesting to know what animals these drugs claiming this magic were first tested on before releasing them for human consumption. Believe me, your imagination and willingness to experiment remain your best bet. Don’t forget that God that made both of you an item already knows why and has given both of you the individual as well as collective strength to achieve the impossible together. There is subject or problem He is ignorant of. Asking Him for help and wisdom would also help you and your wife greatly. Good luck.

He is married but I still want him

With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, My boyfriend is married but I love him all the same but he is hurting me by also dating other women. What can I do? Worried Girl. Dear Worried Girl, Stop denying the man’s wife the right to enjoy her marriage and man. If you are getting hurt on account of his relationships with other women, how do you think the wife feels by your own association with him? How do you think she feels when she wants her man, he isn’t there for her because he is with you? If you are feeling this bad as a girlfriend how would you feel if you were his wife; kill the women who are denying her of her rights as a wife and mother? Do you realise that you are not only denying her time with her husband but also the resources he would have spent on the family as well? Can you fathom the kind of needless sacrifices that woman is making to make up for the time and money he uses to maintain you? Have you ever sat to wonder at the injury, pains, and aches you are causing this woman? In her shoes, how would you feel; pray for the woman who making her work extra hard to maintain her home? Now that you know what it feels to be betrayed by someone you are in love with, allow this man be. Sometimes, God allows things to happen to point us at the right things to do. There is no way a man who is unfaithful to his wife will ever be faithful to a girlfriend. Whatever made him to go outside his marriage for fun are the same reasons he will continue to leave every woman has an affair with until he makes up his mind to be faithful to his vows. This man isn’t in love with you-that is why despite his many relationships he still goes back to the woman he is married to. He isnt the one that is hurting you rather you are the one who has exposed yourself to being hurt by him. The fact that he is married, unavailable to you means you don’t have a joint future, should have cautioned you against taking whatever promises he is making to you serious. Had he been single, your hurt would have been understandable but he isn’t, so why waste time in a relationship won’t value to your life in the long run? Before you get more hurt than you already are, take a walk away from it all. It would afford you the opportunity of meeting the real man for you. the more you hold on to him, the less your chances of becoming happy later in future and by the time you are ready to marry, the man you would have married would have become another woman’s husband. This man has nothing to lose rather you are the one who has more to lose if you continue with him. Men are hunters by nature and would always be excited by the sights of an available woman but it is the job of the woman to gate-keep her treasure to avoid disappointments, regrets and pains. If you are unwilling to do it for yourself, do it for the sake of this woman whose marriage is at stake. Good luck.

Who among them is right for me?

With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, Thanks a lot for the right advice you give to people. You are a lifesaver and pray God will continue to bless you. Please I need your advice concerning my relationship. I am a young lady of 25 years of age. My major concern is how to know who would make the best husband among the three men asking for my hand in marriage? The second challenge is how to recognize true love as well as the qualities most important to look out for in a man. Furthermore, is it appropriate for a lady to be the one visiting the guy without the guy reciprocating the visit on account of certain excuses? Grace. Dear Grace, The realisation of who would make a good partner begins with own discovery. Without this, it becomes almost impossible to recognise that extra special thing in anyone coming for your hand in marriage or able to evaluate it in terms of long-term happiness. This is because what you don’t have, you cannot give. If you don’t have a dream, an idea of the real substance that would give you the kind of strength to generate the right amount of determination, it goes without saying your search would be limited to those perishable qualities. Before you can determine who is good for you, answer this question: how good are you to yourself? Have you been able to establish that important thing about yourself that would always give you happiness? Something any man coming into your life must help you hold on to if he desires the best of you? At times, love isn’t all that matters when deciding on who to spend the rest of one’s life with, other considerations go into it. A man may really be in love with his woman but lacks the right temperament to lead a home. Without the right kind of temperament, no matter how well a woman tries to deal with issues in her marriage, it soon becomes a struggle to stay with that kind of man. A man’s temperament envelops the kind of patience, support, respect, understanding and friendship he is willing to invest into making the marriage work. It also colours the way he would treat his wife both in private and public. A man that cannot handle his temperament is likely to act before he thinks, including beating the woman. Jealousy is one of the products of love. Can you withstand a man who loves you but lacks the power of self control? Can you stand the embarrassment of being questioned, suspected for doing nothing? Can you live with the fear of not knowing what to expect from your spouse if you have to work into the late hours? How long can you endure the insecurity of a jealous man? Can you stand a man who runs the home like a boss instead of a leader? Here it isn’t love that is the issue but being able to manage all the emotions love incite in a man. The secret strength of every relationship is the ability of the man to manage all the emotions that make love wholesome. Temperament is that inner quality that keeps giving marriage the precise radiance to stay fresh forever. Seasons come and go but that which cannot be affected by the devastation of time is who we really are inside of us; the real person and not the colour we are or the what we are. It is this quality that makes one person gloss over the failure or inability of others with sympathy and understanding while another person would choose to mock, insult or dehumanise that same person for the same slip. This is that something extra special you should look at in the men that are coming for your hand in marriage. By knowing what your limitations are as a person, it would be easy if you are truthful to yourself to come to an honest conclusions on which of these men can best manage that aspect of you successfully. Often time, young girls make the mistake of limiting their search lights in their quests for husband to the frivolities; such things as the man’s appearance, his social status, financial standing or connections are not the things that count at the end of the day. Out of all these men, who can you count on the most, the one that is likely to make the important sacrifices for you? Which of them has the stamina to deal with that side of you that others cannot cope with? There is a side to everyone of us even our parents find difficult to cope with. And of the three, who knows the face behind the mask of make-ups, can you look at the real you and not flinch? Can you manufacture a joke or he make you laugh when all you feel is like bringing down the entire world? Your answer is right before you as long as you are honest with yourself. True love is selfless-living in the body of the other person. True love puts the interest of the other person first, considers how an action would affect the other person first before doing it, is always willing to forgive and forget. A man who manufactures excuses not to reciprocate his girlfriend’s frequent visits to his home, is communicating his true feelings to the girl. Such a man prefers to allow his actions tell the story he is unwilling to say to the woman. No matter how busy a man is, if interested in a woman, he will make time out of no time to visit her. The excuse of not having time is given by both men and women to discourage an unwanted interest in the opposite sex. It is the nature of men to devote time to a woman they want desperately in their lives. Good luck.