Should I marry him or not?

With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, Last year, I met this man who is 20 years older than I am. He is divorced. He didn’t hide the details of his life from me. He told me everything about his ex as well as the number of relationships he has been through as well as the reason he refused to marry all these years. From all that he said as well as what his friends and family members he introduced me to are saying, I know he is telling the truth. His two children are abroad so he is alone with his cook, driver and the house-boy. When he approached me for relationship, I dated him for the fun of it as well as the money, attention and care I was getting from it. I didn’t know he was serious about marrying me since I was already in a serious relationship with my boyfriend who was away in England in search of greener pasture. He was in England for three years but we were always in constant communication. At about the time the older man came into my life, things weren’t going on very well between us. His calls were becoming less. Besides, I was in need of some money to pay my rent as well as take care of other domestic things. This is why I initially agreed to date this older man. However, things became complicated as I got pregnant in the first month of our sleeping together. Without informing him, I aborted the pregnancy but he got to find out somehow. It became a big issue between us so much so, my mother got winds of it and without my permission went behind me to beg him. I later found out that he wasn’t angry with me but hurt that I could take such a decision without first asking him. We eventually made up. Unknown to me, my boyfriend was back in the country although he didn’t tell me that he was deported. So, we resumed our relationship while still dating the older man. Somehow he found out about the older man and I. Rather than get angry with me as I expected, he encouraged me to sustain the relationship. Unknown to me, it was because of the money he was getting from me. I later got to find out through a mutual friend that he was deported and that he never had a stable job while there. When I confronted him, he didn’t bother to deny it and threatened to expose my duplicity to my older boyfriend if I don’t continue to play ball with him; I had informed him three weeks before of my pregnancy which he suggested I pass off as my older lover’s because of what we would gain in terms of property from the older man. I had already done that before finding out about him as well as his threats. Along the line, the older man made a proposition to my family-he wanted to marry me for keeps. This is where I need your help. I don’t trust my younger boyfriend. He has changed into a monster. What if he goes to tell this man about us and the baby? He has also told me to perish any thoughts of aborting the child to avoid him going very public with our pact. I am so confused. I don’t know whether to go ahead and marry this man or call the bluff of my boyfriend and about the baby so as to be free of his blackmails. What do you suggest? I am beginning to fall in love with my older man hence don’t want any problem between us. Do help me resolve this issue. MOi Dear MOi, Until you resolve every outstanding issue you have wrapped into your relationship with this older man, don’t accept his proposal because you would be doing this man a great injustice. From your story, it can be safely deduced that this man must have suffered emotional problems in his life. Staying alone for 20 years after his marriage collapsed tells a story of a man who wanted to recover, take his time to avoid the pains of perhaps of a hasty decision he took when he was young and a man who wishes for some peace in his life. Even though you didn’t give his age, this man can’t be less than 60 hence lack the emotional health to contend with following the pains of another woman hurting him. Having stayed for 20 years before contemplating marriage again, he must have given the matter a lot of thoughts and consideration. He also must have thought you have something special to keep him happy in his old age. The fact that you went into the relationship because of his money is in itself bad enough; something that can cause this man to have a heart problem. Knowing that you and your boyfriend are also planning to pin on him a pregnancy that isn’t his for the sole aim of defrauding him after his death, of his hard earned money and resources would definitely destroy this man forever. I am sure you wouldn’t want any girl doing that to your father or son in later life. Also, something tells me you didn’t really give the matter a comprehensive thought before agreeing to what your younger lover asked you to do. There are many sides to what your younger boyfriend is asking you to do. At the end of the day, you will be left with nothing because as the biological father of the child, he will insist on being in control of whatever is the share of your child. If you refuse, this man is capable of killing you since greed and other assorted negative things have embraced and taken him over. This man isn’t the same boy you dated before he left for England. The experience there must have changed him into a different person and it is quite unfortunate you didn’t bother to rediscover him before throwing away the substance you have. The ideal thing you should have done at the point he came back and you wanted to reconnect with him was to have ended the relationship you went into his absence. The fact that he didn’t object to your relationship with this older man but insisted you continue in it for the sole aim of extracting money from the older man for him, should have also warned you that you were dealing with a totally different man. Your refusal to heed the warnings presented by his character is what is getting you further into an avoidable mess. The truth is, if you continue like this, you will never enjoy your marriage to this older man. As it is, your younger boyfriend sees you as his personal ATM machine; one he can withdraw from anytime he feels the need to spend money. It will only get worse as he gets older and more frustrated with the system. So it is in your best interest you think properly before taking the final decision. The most noble thing for you to do is to turn down the offer of this man to marry you. Besides it is too late in the day to throw up the love sentiment. This is what you should have considered first before engaging in all the atrocities you went into with your young lover. This older man may end up forgiving you if he hears the truth from you but you have to come clean with the truth. Let him know the pregnancy isn’t his and every other thing you have done with your young lover. Mature men have a way of looking at things differently. At his age, he definitely has seen life in all the shades it has, so might end up appreciating your guts at the end of the day as long as he hears it from you and not from some young man trying to blackmail him or make fun of his ego as a man and husband. Besides, it will end the rule of tyranny of your young lover over your life. you can bet your life that the moment he discovers that you have spilled the beans and that he has nothing to blackmail you with, he will stop bothering you. The truth is you will never be free of him until you take this bold step. So, it is better you deal with this man once and for all. If he doesn’t marry you, at least you will be leaving him with a clear conscience and peaceful mind. This is what is important at end of the day. As for the pregnancy; the choice is yours since you took the decision to get pregnant with your eyes opened. Even at the risk of both men leaving you dry in the middle of the ocean, tell your older man the truth. Good luck.