He has two sons outside our marriage

With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, Seventeen years ago, when I met my husband, he had nothing whereas as a banker I was well established. Age wasn’t on my side anymore so I didn’t give a thought to his financial position. I was happy despite the misgivings of my friends to establish him. Through my connections, I got him very lucrative contracts. I also helped him with soft loans in the bank to execute the contracts; this way, he didn’t have to worry about huge bank interests. Within two years of our marriage he was well established and could stand on his own. Together, we invested in property business. I knew I wouldn’t be able to continue with the bank job once the children started coming so was determined to have something on the side. Things were working very well for us and I couldn’t have hoped for a better husband. However, after the birth of our first child, a girl, I couldn’t conceive, no matter how hard we tried. After a while, I gave up every attempt at searching for cure when the spiritualist my friend took me, tried to rape me during a purported cleansing prayer session he invited me for. Although there has never been any love lost between my mother-in-law and I; but, the fact that she knew how much I contributed to the success story of her son made her to keep quiet about me. Severally when alone with me, she would make nasty remarks about female bankers not being better than cheap prostitutes. So I haven’t been under any illusion about my place in her heart but even at that, I didn’t know she could go as far as she went. Late last year, she came home with a woman and two young sons. She didn’t tell me anything and I didn’t bother to investigate or ask questions but I noticed that when my husband came back from work, he hurried his mother and the woman out of the house. When I asked him about the woman’s identity he mumbled things that were not audible. I still didn’t suspect anything until last week when the mother and woman came to confront me in my shop. There was no name the mother didn’t call me including using charms on her son to get him to marry me. She even called my daughter a bastard I got while prostituting as a bank worker. Although my husband and his siblings, especially his elder brother are totally against what their mother did but the truth is that my husband has children outside our home. That is one fact that cannot be denied. Foolishly, everything we have is in our joint names. If I am thrown out today, how will I survive with my child? What do I do about the other woman? Do I accept her or what? I am very confused about all these. I lack the stamina to fight another woman whereas the other woman is determined to fight me going by her attitude. Confused Wife Dear Confused Wife, The best approach is not to mind what your mother-in-law is saying about you, her attitude towards you as well as the other woman’s mind-set. The harm has been done; she already has children for your husband so it is pointless fighting her. no matter how unpalatable the truth may sound to you, there is no way your husband will let go of his children even if he wants to let go of their mother. This is why you should be very reasonable in this matter. Granted he loves you, and appreciative of your contribution to his life but, when it comes to the issue of sons, the average man would stand by his sons any day and time especially as he doesn’t have a male child by you. This may sound bitter and un-agreeable with you but this is reality junction; a very slippery one which requires absolute wisdom and caution to pass through. There is nothing you can do here but accept the undisputable fact of the presence of those children in your marriage. Learn to put their interest first because they have become an inevitable part of your life and marriage. These boys belong to your husband and are also related to your daughter. To fight their mother is to create unnecessary bad blood in your home. Besides, since your husband mustered the courage to sleep and have children with her without telling you, his mind is made up about her; making whatever struggle you put up a nullity. At this point there is no going back. Even though he may not like the way and manner his mother went about it, there must have been an agreement between the two of them to inform you of the existence of this woman and her children. Painful as his betrayal is, only an unwise woman gives another woman her well cultivated farmland. Without your help, this man may not be the success story he is today therefore, perish your pains, anger and instead be calm. His mother and the other woman acted the way they did to provoke you into a reaction; the kind that will give the other woman the excuse to forcefully take over your home and his mother, a reason to throw you out. Be wise as a serpent. This is when you need to be extra cautious, patient and thoughtful. Apart from the issue of your inability to conceive again, would you score yourself as being a perfect wife? Given the kind of assistance you have offered your man, you may unconsciously have been acting in a way to suggest that without your connection he would have remained a nobody. It takes the grace of God for a woman who has rendered the kind of assistance you rendered your husband not to be haughty to the man. This is the intersection you examine yourself and ask deep questions concerning your masked contribution to this emotional mesh in your marriage. What were your subtle contributions to this mess? Be very honest with yourself since it is the only viable way to find lasting solutions to this issue. If you had in anyway behaved in such a manner that kept reminding your husband of the role you played in his success story, go and ask him for forgiveness. Plenty of time to make him apologise for betraying your love and trust but trust me, this isn’t the right time. Rather, this is the time for total consolidation of your hold over him as well as your home. You cannot undo what has been done but you can influence the choices he makes concerning where the woman and her children would stay. Under no circumstances must you allow pride or what your friends say make you lose your home to another woman. As long as you still love him and willing to accept the situation, romance your way back into his heart with respect and wisdom. Don’t forget he now has an alternative to you and would after a while call your bluff if you push too hard. Go and plead with him to forgive anything you may have unwittingly done to make him take on another wife. Ignore his excuse that his quest to have a male child pushed him into it. Insist if he were really happy with you, trust in your relationship as well as the presence of God in your lives, he wouldn’t have done it. Ensure you really beg him if for nothing else, to erase the impression that he owes you for the role you played in his success story. Follow that by asking how he intends to solve the problem of his sons and mother. First listen to his plans before offering him your suggestion. Let him know you are willingly to support his plans as long as it doesn’t involve you and the other woman staying under the same roof. Suggest he gets a place for them. If he is in a position to buy a property for the woman, no matter how modest, encourage him to. This way, it will keep her restlessness in check and give you the peace of mind to concentrate on seeking the face of God. For such a woman, her motive is to have a share in his wealth. Once she has a house, car and regular upkeep allowances, she will not be so vicious and determined to force her way into your home. Consider it a little price to pay for the peace of your daughter and you. As for your mother-in-law continue to be nice to her because her children that are on your side. It is only when all these are over that you can confront your husband with your pains and sense of betrayal at his conduct but for now, keep your cool while praying that God shows mercy for you to have more worthy children. If God blesses your womb with worthy children, it won’t matter in the long run if they are boys or girls. This should be your prayer point before the Throne of Mercy. Good luck.