I slept with my ex three months to my wedding

With Agatha Edo, Email: womaneditor@independentngonline.com, gataedo@yahoo.com or agatha.edo@gmail.com Dear Agatha, My wedding is slated for the first Saturday in March. The invitations are already out and everything has been booked. We have even paid for the venue. Until last month, everything was going well for me. I honestly thought I loved my husband-to-be with all my heart and no man could ever come between us. But how wrong the projection of my life is turning out to be. A chance meeting with my first love after about 16 years is what is threatening my well-planned life. I honestly didn’t plan for this to happen but every woman who has been in love before knows what it feels like to meet the first man in her life after a long time of separation. Though he left me for my best friend, at the time we met, all those details didn’t matter. One thing led to another and we ended up in bed. It brought back all the wonderful memories of all those wonderful times we had before my friend came between us. I discovered that he is divorced after two children with my friend who according to him now lives in England. According to him, he decided to come home after being away for such a long time to attend to his father’s business. He wants us to begin again. He has apologised to me and I am tempted to take him back because I feel good being with him. I haven’t told anyone about him because I know nobody will ever support me. I am 38 and have been so lucky to find my current boyfriend who is 45 and widowed. He has been my pillar of support and truly shows extra-ordinary love and kindness towards me and my family. But this is about my love life; my happiness. I am so confused about what is happening to me. My current relationship is three years old while my first love and I go back a long way. Please help me because I don’t know how to tackle what I feel for my first love. Iyabo. Dear Iyabo, Being human and a woman, I understand the power of first love. I also understand the many sentiments we women sometimes put into play when serious matters spring up. However more than you, I recognise the danger such unreasonable and not well thought out emotions can cause in the life of a person. No doubt, you have the right to your life, to spend it with whosoever you want, but you are not an island, which means, your decisions would also affect others close to you. It is because of these other people who would be affected by your decision, and suffer your shame and pains that you should consider. It is called respect for the feelings of others since this matter has gone beyond what you want to what others also want. Sixteen years ago, when he walked out on you to marry your best friend with whom he has two kids, whatever you both felt for each other was limited to you two. Then, it wasn’t the business or pains of the collective. Those who knew then didn’t think anything of giving you their support and understanding to get back on your feet. If you think deeply, you wouldn’t have been able to cope without all those people who held your hands and wept with you during those emotionally painful days. For being there all those years supporting you, praying that you also find happiness makes you accountable to them. This is aside the many issues you are refusing to take into consideration. Beyond the good sex you claim to be having with him as well as the sentiments of being your first love, there is nothing to suggest that this man cares for you at all. Your meeting was not inspired by a need to see you or even apologise for running away with your best friend and marrying her. It was one of those accidental meetings that didn’t include you or any plan to get serious with you. You are making things too easy for him and in the process messing up your own life. Deep down, do you think he will marry you if your husband-to-be finds out you have been cheating on him? What if he is still married to your friend and lying about being separated from her? Any man who could run off with your best friend cannot be trusted. If your motive is to hurt your friend as much as she once hurt you, you are making a very big mistake. If this man walks away from you now, how much time do you have as a woman to meet another man, get married and have children? And how would you feel if your husband-to-be were the one cheating on you and thinking of walking away from your wedding plans? This is a temptation you must resist. From the tone of your letter, you are the one pursuing an agenda; not this man. If you hadn’t thrown yourself at him, he wouldn’t have insisted on anything. But being a man, he is definitely taking advantage of everything you are offering. And typically, he has to come up with stories you want to hear to make it easy on your conscience. If you care to probe deeper, you will find out that the flame is only on your side; not from him at all. Besides, he has tried to be truthful to you. He came back because of his father’s business not for you or expected to run into you for that matter. If he didn’t want you when you were younger and fresh for him, what makes you think he wants you now? The fact that he never cared about your person beyond your body is the reason he isn’t protesting the amount of time you are spending with him instead of the man you are getting married to in March. Deep down, he would be thanking his stars he didn’t end up with you because once you can be unfaithful with him, you can do it with another man. If he cared just a little bit about you, he would be discouraging you from what you are doing. Besides, if you must know, what you feel isn’t peculiar to you. Most women go through premarital blues. It is expected because one is leaving familiar things for uncertainty. No reasonable person goes for a journey without projection. And if you really care for your husband-to-be, stop what you are doing with your ex. Don’t forget his first wife died. You will be killing him completely if he finds out about your behaviour. He may not survive it because it would be just like losing another woman in his life. It is time to end the party before it is too late. This man may represent fun but you can teach your husband-to-be how to make you happy. There is no relationship without sacrifices. If you like making love in a particular way, direct him appropriately. It is what marriage is all about. You are not a butterfly anymore. There is a limit to the risks and foolishness of the heart at your age. Rest your first love finally. His time is past. You are now a real woman who should be able to think with her head and not her heart. Good luck.