We have difficulties finding words to say to each other

Dear Agatha, My relationship is a year old even though my boyfriend and I had been friends for six years before we started dating. I really love him but we are both schooling in different countries. While he is in England, I am in a German university. This arrangement started some few months ago. We met while in high school and could spend hours chatting with each other. Since the commencement of this distant relationship, things haven’t been the same. Unlike before, we appear not to have anything to say to each other. We run dry of words to say these days. In addition, I have the problem of sexual emotions to contend with. Nowadays I experience these strong urges to masturbate because I am always thinking of having sex with my boyfriend. I am an Indian girl so, really hard for me to do anything that will cause my father to be ashamed of me. I haven’t told my father that I’m dating as he would stop my studies and get me married off to an Indian man. My father has a very strong Indian cultural mind and as my English boyfriend is younger than I am, my father would never agree. Well the questions are, what should I do to control my urges which are becoming stronger by the day? What should I do to be able to talk to my boyfriend for more than five minutes or go beyond the lines of “how are you?” or “how was your day?” Could you also please advice me on how to deal with the situation as my boyfriend wants to talk to my father just to introduce himself so that my father starts liking him and allows him to be my boyfriend? Knowing my father, he will take it the wrong way; he could order me to marry him immediately. I am not against marrying my boyfriend but we are both young to think about it for now; besides, we just started our university education and would want to get a job before even thinking about that. I have gotten myself into a complicated situation which makes me so confused on how to proceed. Please help me. Tania. Dear Tania, The most important thing is the kind of future you want for yourself. More than anything else in life, that should be your focus. It is what you invest in your life now that comes to play in your later years. Every relationship has its transition period; your relationship is going through that period. This kind of period helps it to grow and appreciate in value. Without you both going through this phase, there will be no story to tell. Unless you are both not serious about pursuing a future for your relationship, you must learn to endure this period as you are both investing in the future you plan together. For this reason, learn to control all your urges. Even though these urges are concomitant to our nature as human beings, you must shroud them in envelops of self control. You are a young woman whose future is interwoven by the choices you make today. Without you making some essential sacrifices, including self denial, you will end up being distracted so much so you could lose concentration on your studies. This is why you must fight those urges and not allow them push you into a habit that might end up becoming your doom. Granted if one has been sexually active for a while and is suddenly separated from his or her partner as you are now, loneliness can shove the person into situations he or she would ordinarily not contemplate if with his her partner. But be careful you don’t develop a habit that will cause a secondary problem for you when your partner is back. Though most adults have at one time or the other engaged in some sorts of self expression, not everybody can manage it. A lot of people end up becoming addicts of an inclination meant to bring temporary ease. Therefore, learn to divert your mind from sex. Though not an easy task especially at night or when with two love birds, by channeling your attention to an interest that is totally engaging, will help remove your mind from sex or your loneliness. This is the point you get to, that you ask yourself what other thing apart from lovemaking gives you pleasure. In addition to the usual mercy of a cold bath, throwing yourself into a hobby you like the most, would provide you with the necessary diversion to cope with your loneliness. The tension of sex can sometimes impede fluent communication between lovers who live apart. Therefore, it is important, you both get this out of the way by sincerely discussing how the distance is affecting your moods; there is no harm in telling him how it is affecting you including the bit about you wanting to masturbate. By being frank with yourselves, discussing as sincerely as possible will go a long way in helping both of you rediscover what it was like between the two of you when you were both friends. The reason communication is stalling between both of you is the lack of knowledge on how to import the ease of your friendship into your romance. Although friends, you don’t know anything about your romantic natures beyond sex. Now that distance has caused a kind of separation between both of you, as the woman, you must dig into your communication skill to keep the relationship going until you are able to meet to discuss in persons. Discussion could also be elongated by making him talk about his environment, his lectures, new friends, the kinds of situations he is in and what makes university different from high school. By comparing notes with each other, you will have more than enough to say. It is a matter of being innovative and sincere at every point. Once you are able to break the few ice blocks romance has placed on your way, communication would become easier and more interesting between the two of you. As for your daddy, what is the essence of telling him when you and your man haven’t talked about having a future together? Besides, it is early days yet to be sure of where the relationship is leading to. Given the kind of culture in your country, impress it on your boyfriend to exercise patience to be sure you both want the same things and have an idea of what marriage is all about. It is only when you are sure that you should tell your father about him because the worst kind of mistake a young person can make is to introduce the wrong man or woman to his or her parents. Every parent wants to be sure his or her child has come home with the right man or woman. Until you are sure, learn to conduct your affair with a measure of responsibility. The joy of every parent is to have a daughter who knows her worth in gold. Even though you have become sexually active your graduating with very good result will make your father and family very proud of your achievement. If you cannot give your family or husband the gift of your womanhood, you can give them the gift of an excellent academic performance, even as you conduct your relationship with your boyfriend. It is always better to avoid certain messy situations with one’s family. It is called wisdom of choice. Keep encouraging your boyfriend until such a time you think it is right for him to meet with your father. Besides, it is you he should try to impress first before meeting with your father. If both of you are having difficulties conversing, that should worry him more than the issue of him meeting with your father. There would be no relationship at the end of the day to take home to your daddy if both of you don’t first get your acts together. This is what you must really emphasis on. Finally, learn to take your relationship one day at a time. Like a growing child, it must evolve naturally to the height you both want to take it to. Appreciate every stage your relationship is going through; it helps to stabilize and keep things exciting in a relationship. This way, you avoid confusion that comes from putting too many things on the front burner. For now, concentrate on you and your boyfriend getting to discover your strengths and abilities as two young persons who are in love and forced by distance to conduct a workable relationship. Getting your families involved would only cause unnecessary distractions at this vital stage. Good luck.