I slept with my husband’s driver, now I’m suffering

Dear Agatha, Several years ago, when I was searching for a child, I had an affair with my husband’s driver. He didn’t want to have anything to do with me but I blackmailed him into doing it by threatening him that I would lie against him that he came into my bedroom unannounced and uninvited to force himself on me. It took me almost six months to get him to finally agree to my proposal; as a matter of fact, I forced him the day my husband travelled out of town. He actually cried after he slept with me. Having done it once, it was easy for me to force him subsequently. That affair led to a pregnancy I passed on to my husband. I was happy because through him I became a mother. For that, I will ever be grateful to him but when the child was born, I engineered the sacking of the driver to cover the identity of the child. I didn’t want him suspecting the paternity of the child. At that point, I was beyond caring about the kind of lie I told; what mattered then was getting him sacked. So I lied to my husband that he stole my jewellery and money I forget inside the car. I said this because I knew it was the only way my husband would get rid of him. Even though deep down it was painful, I had to do it to protect my child from eventual ridicule hence developed the strength to confront him. Beyond protesting his innocence, he told me especially that something would happen later in life to warrant my coming back to beg him for forgiveness. I dismissed him and went about my normal life. After the birth of my first child and son, the others came in quick succession. I didn’t have to sleep with another man to have them. Deep down I owe my stay in my husband’s house to my first son. Apart from being brilliant, he was the favourite of his father. He graduated at a very early age of 20, finished serving at 21 and was already a member of the board of his father company when things suddenly changed. It all started one morning when he refused to come out of his room the day he was meant to represent his father at an important meeting with a minister in whose ministry they were pursuing a contract. His father had to attend the meeting, which was a good thing because by afternoon, he was already manifesting severe signs of mental disability. Since then there is no hospital we haven’t taken him to, including the Psychiatric Hospital, Yaba. There he was on admission for almost a month. All the drugs given him only made him worse until we had no choice but to take him away to a church on the counsel of my elder sister. We eventually ended up in a white garment church where I was told to produce his father if he is to be cured. According to them, only his father’s prayer would heal him of his strange illness. Needless to say, my marriage is hanging in the balance but that is the least of my problem. Through the help of our former driver’s friend my husband knew, we were able to trace him to his village where he now resides with his family. After explaining the reason we came to him, he laughed and told us to go back the way we came because he will never forgive me for denying him of his son. He said my son is the only male child he has. He said he won’t do what we want until I agree to sleep with him again as well as compensate him for the lies I told against him. I don’t want anything to happen to my son, please help me. Ajai Dear Ajai, Honestly, it is unfortunate that your son is the one suffering from the mess you made of your life. That child didn’t ask to be born at all; you made the choice to have him through the man you decided to sleep with. You also made the decision to step outside your marriage to sleep with this man who is now asking for his pound of flesh. Still trying in your quest to play God in your own life and the lives of others involved in the mess you have created, you decided to lie against an innocent man whose only crime was to agree to your request to sleep with you. You didn’t have to go to the extent you went. Your lies must have cost him so much pains and embarrassment especially as he didn’t sleep with you of his own free will. The truth is that you used your position as the wife of his boss to harass and destroyed a career that might have profited him more than the situation you forced him into. For him to have retired to the village underscores the kinds of hardship he must have gone through after he left the service of your husband. It is unfortunate that your son, who is innocent of the sin you committed is the one suffering for the decision you made to go outside your home in your search for a child. Had you waited patiently, all these wouldn’t have happened at all. There is no way like God’s way and desire. You didn’t get pregnant by the grace of sleeping with this man. You did because it was God’s time. That is why the other children came in quick succession. Furthermore, you shouldn’t have lied against him. How did it make you feel lying against an innocent man, the biological father of the baby you were carrying inside of you? There were better ways you could have disengaged him from the service of your husband without generating the amount of bad feelings you now have on your hands. There is no way you can resolve this problem without taking his son to him. There is an adage in Yoruba that says it is possible for a rich man to entice the wife of a poor man but impossible to inherit his child as well. Going to find him without his son, is like rubbing salt on an open wound. What did you expect? That he would agree to your demands without making demands of his own? Deep down, he has waited patiently to see his son. Even though you lacked the guts to inform him about the child, he must have known hence that sentence he left you with the day he was fired. Sincerely, going to plead with him without his son wasn’t right. It showed your pomposity as well as insensitivity to his feelings as the biological father of that child. Asking you to sleep with him before he can pray for his son is to hurt you as much as all your actions have hurt him. Like you, this man has blood running through his veins. If you were the one being treated with so much disdain and total disregard for everything you represent, how would you feel? Being poor isn’t an offence or a crime. He deserves respect and recognition. Go with your son the next time you visit him. He has been patient enough. Let him meet with his son and pray for him. That boy is his seed, his offspring and a demonstration of his strength as a man. Both of them deserve to know the truth about each other. Let the decision come from him on whether the boy should continue to stay with you or not. It isn’t in your place or that of your husband to make that decision for him. The decision of where his son stays must come from him. The issue here is that of integrity. The truth you have struggled to conceal is finally out so why make things more difficult for you and everyone involved in this matter? You have nowhere to hide anymore. Own up to your mistakes; apologise to this man, your husband and son. Beg for their forgiveness for messing up their lives. As for your husband, you need to really beg him because what you did is unpardonable. Not only did you betray your vows with him, but you foisted on him another man’s son. What you have done is to put the other children at risk. There is no way he would be convinced he is the father of the other children. You need the grace of God for him to forgive you. For now, learn to respect whatever his decisions are until time heals the wound created by your impatience and lack of faith in God. Good luck.