My wife and sister fight all the time

Dear Agatha, My marriage is just seven years old. I am 38 while my wife is 32. We have two children and we are both working. Until the development I am about to share with you, I enjoyed peace because we both agreed we weren’t going to have any family member stay with us. I actually insisted on this following the breakdown of my elder brother’s marriage as a result of family interference. But I couldn’t resist asking my twin sister to move in with me when she also developed challenges in her own marriage. Although we aren’t identical twins we have always been very close. I couldn’t stand by and watch her suffer at all. I actually went to her husband’s house to pack her things. Our parents are both dead and my elder brother was going through his own challenges so my place was the only one left for her to stay. Besides, she didn’t have money to rent a place of her own just as I could also not afford it because we had just moved into our own house which was an on-going project. Even though I admit making the mistake of not first discussing with my wife before bringing my sister home, I thought she would understand the situation. That night, there was nothing she didn’t say to me when I told her that my twin would be staying with us until she was financially and emotionally strong enough to stand on her own, after all the house is big enough to accommodate us all comfortably. To say the least, I was disappointed with her total response to my sister’s situation. I don’t know if it informed her hard-line posture against her feelings on the matter but I told her that if she wasn’t pleased with my sister’s stay in the house she was welcome to go. I honestly didn’t mean it the way it came out because over 60 percent of the funds used in building the house, including the plot came from her. I just said that to keep her quiet and communicate the seriousness of my position to her. Unfortunately it caught her on the wrong side because from that point, she withdrew into her shell. She stopped asking me anything about the house and when I ask her for financial assistance, she would tell me, she doesn’t have any money with her. She also stopped using the family car I bought and instead started using hers. But the most challenging problem of all is the relationship between her and my sister who right in my presence has threatened to beat her up. I know my sister is a handful but my wife is not making things easy by her attitude. She doesn’t communicate with anyone at home except with her children and house-help. Whenever she sees my sister and I discussing, rather than join in, she would either sit or turn back. The last one happened when my sister who doesn’t take too much pepper complained about the quantity of pepper in her food. Instead of my wife apologising or offering an explanation, she completely ignored my sister who got annoyed and lashed out at her. It was an ugly development because my wife also talked back to her resulting into my sister slapping my wife who also retaliated. The reason I am writing is my wife’s refusal to apologise to my sister. She said she would rather end the marriage than do that. I love my wife but is it too much to ask if I tell her to apologise to my sister who is older than she is? I don’t understand why she is being difficult and stubborn about my sister’s presence in our home. Muyiwa. Dear Muyiwa, She has every reason to behave the way she is doing because you betrayed her. You went against a decision you in particular took without any considerations for her feelings or person. You didn’t act fairly towards her. In her shoes, would you endure or tolerate the situation? Marriage is about giving each other respect and consideration. You disrespected your wife by bringing your sister into your house without first telling her. You failed to reason with her by giving the option of packing out of the house if she wasn’t pleased with the decision you took. The mere fact that you went that far is enough for any woman to close her mind to all that is happening around her. That statement was careless and insensitive. The interpretation any woman would give to it is that you value your sister more than her and that her opinions are worthless to you. For a woman who contributed up to 60 percent to the cost of putting up the house, you didn’t act well towards her. Granted you reserve the right to bring anybody into your house but it is also her right to be told. There is no way you can bring anyone into your house without first seeking her consent especially someone whose stay is indefinite. She is the woman in the house whose duty it is to care for the person you are bringing in. By virtue of her position as the homemaker, she could make life very unbearable for your guest if she isn’t happy with the person. Honestly, you are a lucky man; your wife is a very rare woman not to have told your sister and the whole world whose money was more in the construction of the house. Right from the moment you threatened her, a very troublesome woman would have gone up in arms against you; accusing you of wanting to cheat her out of her investment. Trust me, your sister wouldn’t have been able to stay to complain about pepper if your wife fell into that category of women. Ask yourself if your sister would have tolerated what you are making your wife go through simply because you want to please your twin sister at all cost. You have already humiliated her enough; don’t insist on her apologising to your sister who in the first place had no right to slap your wife. If she has any respect for you, she would not have done that at all. The best she would have done was not to eat the food by excusing herself from the table. What did she hope to achieve by complaining about pepper in your presence if it wasn’t to cause commotion in your home? If her intentions were right, she would have secretly called your wife to point out her observations. The truth is you now have two wives living with you. Even though one is your sister, she is determined to ruin your marriage to your wife. Although you two appear to have a lot in common but as the man, you must learn to be reasonable in your actions. Your marriage doesn’t have to fail simply because your twin’s marriage did. Whatever it will cost you, move her away from your home if you truly love your wife as you claim. You and your twin sister are too much alike for any woman to cope with. Your marriage won’t survive for much longer if you insist on foisting your sister on your wife and marriage. She is your twin but you are now a married man with responsibilities of your own. Sincerely, this is the time for you to be truthful to yourself. Given the attitude she has put up so far, do you still think her husband was wrong in whatever actions he took against her? Do you think you were right to have taken her away from her home? Isn’t it high time you took her back to her husband to make peace between them? Don’t wait until your marriage is beyond redemption before you do what is right. Don’t protect your sister at the detriment of your own home and happiness. If your sister wants respect, she has to learn to give it to people around her. Follow this by apologising to your wife for every pain you have caused her. Indeed you haven’t been fair to her at all. The onus is on you to make your home happy. Good luck