Can I trust him with my life?

Dear Agatha, I am a 27 year old lady. My boyfriend is four years older than I am. Our relationship is four years old; we started when we were both in school. I graduated before him and got a job. Though he has graduated too but he is yet to secure a job. We have both been faithful to each other. Being a virgin, he wants me to keep it until our wedding night. We are planning to get married this year; the moment he gets a job. He is really working hard to get one. I help out by searching for all job vacancies and sending the websites to him. I also want to help him financially but he is not the type to ask for or even take money from me. Recently, someone promised him a job and we were very happy but all of a sudden his attitude changed in one day. I called him to tell him about a proposal a friend of mine offered having agreed to travel abroad after our wedding ceremony. I want to further my education there. To my pains, he didn’t appear to buy into the proposal. He said I should concentrate on us getting married first as combining marriage and going abroad would be too much for us to handle. I wanted us to begin the process this year as it would take a year to complete all formalities. He got angry and told me I was free to travel, if that is what I really wanted. Baffled by his attitude, I asked him a simple question of whether he wanted us to travel or not. All I wanted was a simple yes or no. That was how the problem started. We argued about it until he cut off the phone with the promise of calling me when my head cooled of. He called back in the night as promised. He said I didn’t consider where he was when I was asking him the question. He said so many things; that I didn’t have the right to ask him such questions being a woman. He also accused me of not showing him enough respect by that question. I said if he wants me begin to fear him then so be it. He has been my best friend for years and we talk freely with each other, we talk every day as many times as possible as we live in different states but since that night he has not called me again except to reply to a job advert I sent him. I haven’t called him either because I don’t know if he will be in the right place and situation to answer. I find the situation funny because all these years I have always called him anytime. It is also surprising to hear I don’t care about the effect of the burning sun on him when I called to ask him the stupid question. In his reply to the advert mail I sent him, he said I should stop all the sirs I use in my mails to him now and apply wisdom. Please Agatha, help me, I don’t know what he wants any more. Is he just acting like a man, if he is, does it mean that he will showcase his manhood like that even in marriage? I am kind of afraid because I don’t want to marry someone who will keep acting “I’m the man while you are the woman. You must do as I say and act how I want you to.” I have even told him about this fear before now. The whole thing is eating me up, but I try not o betray it. I also noticed he complained last week about his last trip, how he suffered so much and all that. He complains often and I wonder if I’m missing out something. He said he desires to settle down so badly and I don’t doubt if he loves me. Please tell me if I’m wrong. I want to be a better wife so wouldn’t mind if you tell me my faults. Beauty. Dear Beauty, There is a world of difference between dreams and reality. In the real world, there is no such thing as equal rights in marriage. Someone has to be the leader while the other has to follow, be a helpmate as was designed by God. The confusion we are today witnessing in the marriage institution has its root in the refusal and inability of the modern woman to appreciate that, two captains cannot be on a ship. For sanity and order to prevail, only one person can be in charge. God in all His wisdom has bestowed the leadership of the home on the man. No matter who and what a woman is, for peace to be in her home, she must submit to the man whose ego has been wired by the creator to be massaged by the woman. This is the first lesson you have to learn to accept if you want to be happy in a marriage. Your boyfriend isn’t the only man that acts this way; all men come with the same device. Secondly, you may have all the good intentions but you are going about them in the wrong ways. How can you suggest to a man who has no job to travel abroad? With what money? Your money? Besides, his argument is valid. These are two major things you cannot combine. As his woman and friend, you should have discussed it with him first before making up your mind and his’ for him. Don’t forget, this is the same man refusing to accept financial assistance from you. This man loves you but wants to be in charge. Other men would have used the opportunity of their lack of job to fleece you of your money but this man would rather endure the hardship of struggling to make ends meet. This you must always respect and appreciate in him. Try putting yourself in his shoes especially in the condition your call met him. Imagine the frustration of being in a sun, searching for a job, seeing people who perhaps aren’t as educated as you in air-conditioned cars, thinking of where the means to sustain yourself through that day would come from and receiving a call from him about going abroad? There is no way you wouldn’t react the way he did. He is a man for crying out loud. You both are still unable to get married because he lacks the means to; so many things you both plan to do are being suspended because of lack of finance. How can you expect him to jump in joy at your news? All the things he is passing through is enough to make a very sane man become frustrated. Unlike him, things have been easy for you. You left school before him and got employed almost immediately despite being four years his junior. There is no way a right thinking man would jump in joy at your offer. His reaction is very normal. And if you are serious about being a good wife, you must learn to time your news as well as think them out thoroughly before presenting them to him. Going abroad isn’t the important thing for now. It is helping him become the responsible man he wants to be. A good woman prays for her husband/man. add prayers to all you have been doing for him to get a job. He may not be cut out for a job. Only prayers can lead both of you to the right path God has designed for him. When you can take some time off to go and make things up with your man. Addressing him in formal tones isn’t the panacea to the situation on ground. You have to be learn to be loving and understanding as his woman and friend. Don’t allow the pride in you stop you from playing the role of the woman and friend he needs in this wilderness of frustration he is passing through. Send him a mail, reminding him of your love for him because this is what he needs now more than anything else in the world. His own woman; to love and cherish him. Deep down, he too has his fears concerning your ability to wait until he gets a job hence his struggle and irritations. Be wise and stop reading between the lines. His anger is not at you but against the circumstances that have made it impossible for him to get a job after graduating from school. Go to him and be the friend he needs now instead of being obstinate. Show him love and apologise for your misunderstanding of his feelings. Use the opportunity to discuss other options he could consider instead of concentrating all this energy on looking for an elusive job. But before going, have a mental idea of the kind of things he can do, do your own visibility study, have an idea of the kind of capital involved as well as viability. It will help you to convince him. Let him go away with the impression it is an interim thing until he is able to secure a job. Since he won’t accept money from you directly, discuss with a friend of his to offer him the money to begin the business of his choice with. Sincerely, you have to master the politics of massaging his ego. As long as a woman is submissive and respectful, she can always get her man to do her bidding. Good luck. To share a problem with Auntie Agatha, email gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com or Tel: 08054500626