With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com,Tel: 08054500626

With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com,Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, I met the lady I am about to marry last year. She is a wonderful woman, but very stubborn. I really love and want to spend the rest of my life with her. She has met my family; they all like her but the greatest challenge I have is how to present her two and a half year old baby boy to my family. Knowing my mother, she won’t accept the fact that this lady has had a child. I know this because the lady I intended marrying three years ago also had a child from a previous relationship. Despite her contributions to my education and all that she did for my family, my mother insisted I couldn’t marry her on account of the baby she had in her previous relationship. It was very painful but there was little I could do given the fact that I desire my wife and mother to be friends. My mother’s stance on the matter is that through the child, the mother and father could get back together especially if the child is ill or has a need that requires the attention of the father. She cited the story of her elder sister who left her marriage to get back with the father of her first child. When I met my current woman, she didn’t tell me about her child, at least not for the first two months. By the time I got to know, I was already in love with her. I had no choice but to forgive her. But I didn’t tell anybody within my family about the child, not even my sisters both of whom I was very close to. Each time she is coming to our house, she leaves the baby with her mother. I have tried talking her into leaving the baby with her mother permanently, but she appears unwilling to. She says I have to learn to love her and her baby since she isn’t ready to leave the child with her mother. She also says she doesn’t care what my mother or family members think since they don’t expect her to throw the baby away simply to please them. We have debated this inside out. Now she is pregnant for me and we are planning our marriage. As a matter of fact, our wedding day is two weeks away. I shudder to think of what would happen to her and our marriage if my mother discovers she already has a child. I have also suggested giving the child back to the father if she cannot give the child to her mother. That too, she rejected. I really don’t know what to do anymore. I love my mother, she suffered so much to bring us up and I don’t want to ever hurt her. I am her only son. I am at a crossroad. Much as I love my woman, I am also wondering if I can cope with her unusual obstinate nature. Even when I pleaded with her to do it for me, at least until we have our own children and nobody can hurt her anymore, she still refused. She is even planning for the child to be present on the wedding day; she actually suggested that we use him as the pageboy. How do I resolve this issue? Please help me as I am becoming fed up with everything. Daniel. Dear Daniel, From your letter, you have told the story of what your family and wife-to-be want, but nowhere did you say what you want as a man. As the man at the centre of this whole drama, you must have a say because the issue concerns you more than anybody else. No serious minded man leaves his home to chance or the opinions of others. It is either you want the child or not. It has nothing to do with what your mother feels or your wife for that matter. Staying on the fence in a delicate matter as this won’t help you or your home. This is not a transient situation; rather it is a permanent thing. Therefore, if you are not comfortable with it from the beginning, your chances of being a good husband to the mother and worthy father to the boy are very slim. The happiness of your home is pegged on your ability to adequately perform these roles very well. Once anything limits your ability to function as a good husband and father to this child, then your decision to marry the mother becomes void. This is because his very presence in your home will continue to irritate you, causing you to react in ways that you should ordinarily not when angry. There is therefore the need for you and your intended wife to sit and discuss as truthfully as possible. Let her know precisely what you feel about the issue of her baby. As it is, you are deliberately hiding behind your mother to voice your own uneasiness with the idea of the child staying permanently with you. Your woman doesn’t know you are really the one who isn’t comfortable, hence her insistence that the child will stay with both of you. She thinks if you don’t have a problem with the child, your mother shouldn’t. Not until you come out with what you really feel, your woman will never shift grounds. Before you both make a costly mistake, one you will both end up regretting, let her know what you really feel about her child. It will help her come to a realistic decision on where to leave him until it is expedient for you to bring in the child. Life is about compromises, particularly in a marriage where two strangers are coming together to begin a family. She has to be convinced that her decision to marry you is right while she also has to assure you that she would give you the support and respect needed for you to function as the head of the home. This issue concerning where her child stays must first be tackled before your wedding day. To go into a marriage with your very opposing views would be very unfair on your marriage. The burden of your differences will be too heavy for your marriage to bear. The implication would be constant quarrels, the kind that will sooner or later wear down the fabrics of your dreams as a couple. Although the child ordinarily should not be your burden, but since you have elected to marry the mother, it is only fair that you encourage mother and child relationship. At age two and a half, returning the child to the father may not be too tidy unless the mother of the man is willing to take on the child. However, the child’s mother should have the freedom to visit whenever she likes. But you have to know why she is unwilling to let her mother to take on the child permanently. Encouraging her to talk about the child, her own mother and all the situations she has been through will at the end of the day give you a clear idea of how to intervene in this matter. Trust me, nothing good ever comes out of giving orders. She has to listen to your reasons just as you must know her reasons too. Once both of you have a common ground, it would be very easy to convince your mother about her child. It is also important not to totally dismiss your mother’s worries. Her years of experience on earth have exposed her to the kind of situations you haven’t gone through or even seen yet. No matter how annoying her stance on this matter is, give her the benefit of doubt by asking her for help. At any rate, your woman is already pregnant, so your mother cannot completely insist on you terminating the relationship. Therefore, go to her before she finds out on her own. Her reactions to your woman can still be moderated than if you both go to her with the story. Let her know that fear of how to present the subject of the child to her led to your delay in telling her. And that it wasn’t out of disrespect or mischief. Enlist the help of your sisters to confront your mother. Ignore whatever they all say; the important thing is for her to find out from you before she gets to hear about it from other sources or on the wedding day. The idea of the child featuring in the wedding train would have been the height of insult to your mother’s feelings. What is missing in this whole situation is communication. You must all be willing to talk about the subject of this child. Don’t forget that whatever decision you all take concerning this child will tell on the person he turns out to be and that this child is going to be the elder brother to all your children. For this reason, you must therefore take more interest in what becomes of him since you are marrying the mother. Good luck.