My hubby has a secret family outside the country

With Agatha Edo Email: womaneditor@independentngonline.com, gataedo@yahoo.com or agatha.edo@gmail.com, 08054500626



Dear Agatha,
Men are very treacherous. How unfair can men be to women! I am going to be 60 this year. I have been married for 40 years. I invested everything I had into this marriage. I am the only child of my parents so I inherited everything they had. When things were very difficult for my husband and I, the only house they had in Surulere, I sold to enable my husband begin his business.
Today, he is quite successful. If anybody had told me that this man I helped to become the success he currently is, would bite the fingers that fed him, I would have called that person a liar.
About two months ago, I went to the United Kingdom to visit my son whose wife just put to bed. While there, one of the wife’s cousin came to visit her. From their discussion, it was obvious that they hadn’t seen in recent time. This cousin apparently lives in the United States with his family.
I really couldn’t say what was so familiar about the cousin but he looked like someone I once met long time ago. I was really curious to know so I asked him about his work, state of origin, his parents and all the things you ask when trying to help the memory recall something from its bank.
My daughter-in-law innocently aided my quest for information as she announced that he shares the same surname as our family name. I was very curious to know so asked him his full name; the same names as my husband’s. I asked him about his mother, who I gathered is Caribbean.
I didn’t know what to do because the face I thought was familiar was actually my husband’s. The boy was the replica of my husband. He was more of his mirror image than my son. When I asked how old he was, I discovered he was just three years younger than my first son while his sister and my third were age mates.
Again, my daughter-in-law provided the information about the sister. When I asked him about his father, he said he was fine and presently in Nigerian with his other family.
Further questions reveal that he has told them about his Nigerian family; and how afraid he was of them coming to visit him because of his wife. He said the mother and father were legally married in the United States. When he asked if I knew his father going by the similarities in our surnames, I told him, I would find out from my husband. It was all I could do at that time not to let the secret out of the bag.
Without explaining my reasons, I told my children I was going back to Nigeria the following day.
In the plane back home, I was praying against the reality of what I just heard but it turned out to be the truth. He didn’t bother to hide the truth from me.
His excuse? I never made him to feel like a man. Right from the very day I married him, I have always made him feel inferior, never lost the opportunity of reminding him I made him.
He said, I kept deriding him in the presence of the children by my recount of how I sold my father’s house to help him. He attributes the attitude of the children towards him to that.
I am really hurt and confused. I know he is trying to justify what he did by all the excuses about my behaviour. Even if I am guilty of all that, is marrying another woman right? Is it his way of repaying me for all I have done for him?
Of his own volition, he personally told the children about his other family. Ironically, my children, especially my sons, I thought would align with me against their father, all appear to be blaming me for the situation in my house. My eldest son, actually told me he didn’t blame his father for sourcing for happiness elsewhere. He stopped short of calling me a nag. My only daughter, though wasn’t as vocal as the brothers, just urged me to take things easy and sort it out with their father.
I have made up my mind to leave and have actually initiated discussion on the ownership of his business since I brought the money for the initial capital. I won’t let another woman reap where she didn’t sow. But I need your help, am I doing the right thing?
An old friend of mine thinks, I am going about it the wrong way and that if I am not careful, I risk losing the respect and support of my children. But I cannot allow any woman into my home, the one I took my parents money to establish. It is not possible! As it is, he has already used my money to train his other children. What kind of help can you offer me Agatha?
I want you to appreciate that I am a hurt woman who is desperate to keep her inheritance.
Patience.

Dear Patience,
At almost 60, should you be more concerned about your peace of mind, making up with your children than fighting over a legacy your children, from your narration, may not really need?
Can wrongs ever be right? Granted, your husband has been unfair to you but don’t you think your current reaction is giving basis for your husband’s decision to marry another woman? If your children are not supporting you, and actually appear to be giving their father tacit support, can you still say you are right?
There are situations in life when our righteousness can be very wrong. In this situation, your justification may not be right at the end of the day.
What is life? What is the essence of marriage? Is it to just have children? We can all give one reason or the other to rationalise our actions but would these excuses stand the test of time, when our actions and the results we get are put side by side?
Yes, you did the right thing, helping to kick start your husband’s success in life but does it merit your nagging him; exposing him to the disdain of the children? If your own children can say those things about you, then you must have been terrible in your quest to ensure their father didn’t forget the side where his bread was buttered.
Marriage is more than a journey of having good financial base; it is more of a journey of success, respect and tolerance.
Nagging him to remain loyal to you obviously drove him into the hands of another woman; one who knows that a good marriage is more than having plenty of money to spend.
Unwittingly, you created the opportunity for this woman to have a permanent stay in your husband’s life because the resonance of your words was hurting his being. You were making him feel worthless as a man; he needed to assure himself that he was man enough to command the respect and loyalty of a woman.
Granted, he started with your money but over the years, he has invested his time and intellect to making that money a success. If it weren’t for his sound business mind and judgements, do you think, you would have been able to manage that inheritance you seem to pride more than anything else in your world?
If it weren’t his destiny to be successful, that money would have gone down the drain. What you only did was to give him an early start; he did the rest. If you hadn’t given him the money, someone else would have. God only used you to make His desires for your husband to come to early manifestation.
In your shoes, I would discard any attempt at sharing out the property or leaving the home. To continue with this line of action is to say your 40 years together as a couple has been a complete waste. Deep down, isn’t this marriage worth saving despite what he has done to you?
The beauty of life is our ability to learn from our mistakes. At every level in life, we must make conscious effort to do away with the mistakes of the past. There is nothing stopping you from enjoying your marriage by making conscious and positive attempts at correcting the mistakes of the past.
Going ahead with your decision will further cause a disharmony between you and your children on one hand and your husband on the other hand.
Take advantage of your chance meeting with your stepchildren to mend the wounds your attitude and utterances have caused in your home. To do otherwise is to become a very lonely woman in life. As it stands, your children already have their own families, ones if you stay longer than necessary would become uncomfortable with you while your husband too has a wife and children to fill his space too. Your leaving the house will give him the freedom he needs to fully integrate his family into his life. Old age gives us the opportunity to count our loses, adjust our lives to accommodate the many imperfections of life.
There is nothing love cannot forgive. Become the rallying point for your family. His other wife and children will never take your place if you are wise and know how to patch things up. Rather than fight him, encourage discussion, this way you will know what went wrong as well as how to manage all the new challenges without becoming the ultimate victim.
By being close to God, you make things easier for you to manage.
Good luck.