My bridesmaid stole my man on our wedding day…

With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com,Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, Several years ago, I was disappointed on the day of my white wedding with the only man I loved. Without explaining, what my offences were, he left me standing like a fool in my wedding gown on the day I was supposed to be the happiest. Funny enough my bridesmaid, who was with me in the church, took an excuse to go urinate but never bothered to return. After two hours of waiting endlessly for the man who was supposed to wed me on that day and a bridesmaid whose disappearance I couldn’t understand, my parents took me home to nurse me back to emotional stability. I had to leave the country to stay with my elder brother. Those days were very difficult for me as there was no news from my best friend. I was getting very worried but my parents as well as hers kept assuring me she would be found. If her parents knew what happened, they didn’t say so, but they were always calling me to know if I was okay. As for my ex, I couldn’t be bothered but after five years, I ran into him by accident in London. He was in company of my former best friend and bridesmaid, married and with children. Seeing them both brought back those memories I didn’t want to remember. Although I had no way of knowing but something very deep inside of me had always known that my bridesmaid disappearance was not unconnected with my ex standing me up on our wedding day. I didn’t bother to acknowledge their presence, just walked past them. I don’t know how they found out where I stay, but they have been sending people to come and plead with me. They are actually asking for a chance to come and explain to me what happened on that day. But my mind is made up, I will never forgive both of them for causing me so much pains. Because of that incident, I have been unable to trust any man enough to fall in love. I see everyman as evil. Besides, knowing that they both left my life to be together makes it the more difficult for me to forgive them. How can I forgive the two people I loved the most in life for hurting me the way the did? Was it wrong to have introduced my boyfriend to my best friend? My brother and parents all want me to forgive them but it is impossible because I have vowed never to let go of all that they did to me. Is it wrong, my stance of not ever forgiving them? Something tells me from the attitude of my parents and siblings that they are not happy with my decision not to forgive and never to trust again. I am 32 and even if I want to forgive them, I don’t know how to let go. The pains will never go away no matter how hard I try. Semilore. Dear Semilore, There is no balm as complete and powerful as forgiveness. Without it, you and I will be nowhere. If you want to go far in life, experience happiness and love, you just have to let go of the memories of what these persons did to you. Therefore everything is wrong with your decision not to forgive. Life without forgiveness is like an empty shell because our imperfection makes us daily candidates for forgiveness. When you refuse to forgive, it makes forgiveness difficult to obtain from God and others. Besides, when one nurses bitterness against another person for too long, it becomes a cancer, which eats into that person if not controlled. Soon, the bitterness begins to reflect in the person’s attitude to everything happening around him or her. You may not know it, but the resentment in you may be reflecting in your attitude and reactions to things around you, the reason your family is asking you to let go. More often than not, it is the people around that suffer more from the attitude of a person who is unable to forgive. While friends and family may have started with sympathy but this soon turns to worry and later silent anger at the attitude of the person. In addition, your refusal to let go is blinding you to the other reasons God may not have wanted you in such a marriage. Remember, if your marriage to your ex were meant to be, nothing and nobody would have been able to come between the two of you. The fact that he stood you up on your wedding day underscores his irrelevance in your life. And one of the reasons you must make an effort to forgive him is that God allowed it to happen before you made the mistake of marrying him. What would you have done if it happened after you married him? How would you have felt discovering that your so-called best friend and your husband were having an affair right under your nose? If you look beyond your hurt and pains, you will appreciate that they actually did you a favour because he would never have been able to love or give you the kind of happiness you deserve feeling the way he felt about your friend. For him to have left you for your friend on your wedding day meant what he felt and still feels for her has deeper roots than what he felt for you. You would never have been able to cope with that kind of situation. For this reason, release them so that you too would feel the power of love. One of the many lessons life has taught me is that love can happen in very unexpected places. Terrible as the decision of these two people appear to be, see it as one of those things that give character to our persons. Without such life changing experiences, our personal history books will be devoid of occurrences that will either help inspire others or pull them out of emotionally troubled waters. Our experiences are solution incubators for others to learn and grow from. Granted, yours was painful and dehumanising. However the truth is, you don’t have the patent for it. Some men and women have gone through similar situations and are today happy for such timely intervention by God. Have you ever considered that fact if you both had ended as an item, one of you might have gone before today? Remember, God doesn’t do anything without a reason. He is the only one that sees the end from the beginning. No matter what you feel, how painful and hurtful, submit yourself to the supremacy of God. This way, it would be easier for you to forgive this couple. The reason the memory remains fresh is your refusal to let go. If you had accepted offers to date other men, you would have since gotten over the emotional pains of being left standing on the altar. At 32, your biological clock is ticking, it is oblivious of whatever pains you are going through. By refusing to date another man, you are denying yourself with each the day you spend on the same spot the opportunity of being happy and of becoming a mother too. Of what use is your refusal to move on? The two people who hurt you are happy with each other and have children to show for it. Even if you silently thought he would one day come back to you, shouldn’t the fact that they are married with a family of their own enough reason for you to move on? You are unable to forgive because you have refused to let go. Once you make that vital decision, you will find that forgiveness is very easy. It is a simple matter of allowing yourself the freedom to exist in the shadows of God, of surrendering your life to Him as well as trusting in Him implicitly. The danger of not surrendering to the will of God is to stagnate the hands of God in your life. Once you allow yourself to live again, trust in love and experience once again the comfort of being in love, you will forget all these. It is a matter of having the right attitude towards life. Regard whatever happened that day as a closed chapter in your life. It is time for you to take stock, what were the things you ignored, didn’t count important in that relationship? The incident that led to you being left in the altar didn’t begin that day; you just didn’t bother to take on the signs. By reviewing your mistakes as a person, you are helping yourself become better to take on the challenge of a new relationship. For reasons best known to God, you needed this incident to effect some changes in your life and attitude. Only a free and willing heart can embrace the inherent lesson here. When next a man comes, submit the desires of his interest to God; leaving Him to do what He knows how to do best. I am sure several years down the road you will have reasons to thank God for your narrow escape. Good luck.