My husband hit below my sexual need…

With Auntie Agatha,gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com,Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, I have been trying so hard to resist going out of my matrimonial home to have an affair, but the truth is I am only postponing the inevitable. For the two years I have been married, my husband hasn’t been able to satisfy my sexual urge. It is so bad that I have taken to self-ministration just to maintain some emotional equilibrium in my marriage. The worst thing is that I cannot discuss the issue with him because he has the prim and proper attitude, which makes any discussion about sex prohibited. We were sexually active before we got married, but because he was always never around as a bank manager, I didn’t have reasons to complain. Besides at 38 then, I was desperate, didn’t have too many choices and thought I would be able to change him along the line. But two years into our marriage it doesn’t appear as if I can continue to cope with him. I am a full-blown woman with needs. Some friends I spoke with said, this is no longer an issue these days; that there are a dozen men willing to give me the kind of satisfaction I want. Besides, I recently ran into an old flame that appears very disposed to helping me solve this problem. However, I am scared that if I am found out, he will throw me out of the house. He can be very cruel when he wants to be but can also be very caring which is what he has been to me since we got married. He won’t hesitate to take away my baby if he has to. I was really lucky finding him when I did which is the reason I am so confused. Much as I want to keep my home, my body needs the balm of a good sex life to stay happy. Am I asking for too much? What if the man I find decides to blackmail me after? One of the men my friends found for me is actually a young man struggling to make ends meet. His job is to help me stay happy while I provide funds for him to make his life better. The money isn’t the issue since I can always get my husband to increase my housekeeping money, but what if he turns around to blackmail me for more money later? I am terrified of the implications if my husband ever finds out I haven’t just been unfaithful to him but has been using his money too to finance my affair. Please help me. Ada. Dear Ada, You can have a fulfilling sex life without having an affair or depending on self-ministration to get it right. All that is required is for you to use more of your imagination. Begin by accessing your husband’s maximum and minimum ability. Since meeting him, what has been his best so far as well as his low points? During those times he came close to your expectation, what brought on the mood? There is no way you can make him better if you don’t know how to engineer his relaxation. As a bank manager, there is no contesting the fact that stress and worries associated with keeping his job will at the end of the day affect his state of mind. If all he worries about is how to ensure he meets his target as manager as well as maintain his family, his libido will certainly be affected. Worries and sex don’t go together. A man that is always worried will never make a good lover. As his wife, you will need to do more to drag him out of his worry zone once he is with you. His performance before he married you might be better than it is now, because then, he didn’t have to add a wife and child to his worry list. Then it was just him; now he has you and the baby to think of, hence the more reason for him to put in his all to ensure he keeps his job. This is why you must use your imagination to find ways of helping him relax and appreciate your presence in his life. You have to use tact and your womanly instinct to help him function better. A lot would depend on the kind of approach you adopt. There is no way he is going to dismiss complaints about sexual satisfaction if you employ wit and open understanding in bringing up the issue. He would naturally become offended if you make it sound as if you sound critical of him as a man. No man can put up with his wife or woman telling him he isn’t man enough to make her feel like a woman. The usual conclusion would be that the woman has been messing around. The trick here is to take the lead. For now don’t give him a clue about what you feel each time he makes love to you. You will be putting him on guard and very suspicious of your motive if you say anything to him. Begin your night of seduction by cooking his favourite meal. Even if he is tough and unromantic, his choice food will do the magic. It will take him down to a time he cherishes the most; that time he made the decision to make this meal his preferred. More often than not, our favourite choices come from pleasant memories of a time past. By tapping into that, you bring back long forgotten memories of a time he was carefree, happy and without a burden. If he still has a mother, going to her, to help you gather memorials of his growing up years may do the trick. Preparing his mother’s favourite meals for him may just be what you need to gain access into his heart forever. By the time you are through with the food, using information from his mother or sibling, talk about his cherished topics; the film he liked the most when he was younger, his first date and all the wonderful things about his parents and family. Use good music to remind him of how good it is to relax. By talking to him about the past, you gradually take him to a time before his bank job as well as all the complications that go with it. By the time you are both ready to sleep, his mind will be relaxed enough to allow you take the lead. Adding an adult film the next time will further enhance your previous effort. Even for couples that have found a good harmony, they still need tits and bits of exciting new ideas to keep their nest fresh. Use your knowledge of sex to help him relax. Give him a total package of what you know; beginning from his scalp to the sole of his feet. The motive is to imprint in his mind the moment and message of love. If you are good at it, you will have succeeded in creating a new world for both of you and for him specifically. He may not have had a woman in his adult life, who has had anything to do with giving him some basic lessons on how to please a woman. As long as you are sure of what you want, and you are not shy in drawing it out of him, your love life will experience tremendous changes. Lots of men assume that pleasing a woman begins and ends with her capture. By using actions rather than words, you will be communicating your needs to him effortlessly. This method in addition to enhancing your love life, will also improve your personal relationship with your husband. A man who works as hard as your husband needs a friend and companion at home to help him unwind. Be the friend he needs. It will also help you to know him better than you currently do. If protecting his home is cruelty, then all men are so. This is no news. As a matter of fact, you are the one who is cruel in this marriage. Remember you refused to complain before marriage simply on account of your desperation to marry, so it would amount to wickedness for you to now make it an issue in your marriage to the point of contemplating using his money to fund your extra-marital affairs. Ignore all those friends that are urging you towards having an affair outside your home. At the end of the day, you will be the fool if you take to their counsel. A man willing to sleep with a married woman for money will think nothing of reporting such woman to her husband if she fails to pay him whatever fee he demands for his service. And, what makes you sure your friends are really out to help you? For all you know, they may be aiding the destruction of your home to give them access to your husband. No good friend tells her friend to engage in extra-marital affairs, so be careful with these kinds of friends. If you are wise, quietly delete them from your life. In addition, stop sharing the intimacy of you and your husband with friends. It is a habit that might get you into trouble if told to the wrong kinds of friends. Besides, if you think of the shame of being thrown out of your home if caught, you won’t even think of betraying your marital vows. Just submit everything concerning your home to God. It is essential you do this. Good luck.