My younger daughter is pregnant for her sister’s husband

With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626



Dear Agatha,
There is fire burning in my house. As a matter of fact, my husband has sent me out of my home because of it. I’m currently staying with a friend. I have two daughters; the first one got married about five years ago and is yet to have a child.
When my second daughter finished her National Youth Service, I urged her to go and keep her sister company until she gets a job. When after a year, she still couldn’t secure a job, her elder sister decided she should begin to trade. She gave her the initial capital with which she traveled to Dubai to buy things.
My first daughter’s job as an external auditor was a demanding one, which sometimes took her out of the home for more than a week. Her husband met her on the job hence didn’t complain. To help her manage her home, she had a house-help. At one point, the younger sister was always complaining about the house-help and her sister was forced to ask the girl to go for peace sake as well as respect for her sister.
However, my husband after listening to the house-help demanded that I should immediately order my younger daughter to leave her sister’s house. I objected and demanded from my husband why she should be the one to leave. He told me what the house-help said but I objected and instead accused the house-help of trying to destroy my daughter’s house.
The house-help told my husband that my younger daughter and her sister’s husband were having an affair. I didn’t bother to investigate and actually fought my husband when he went to our daughter’s house to demand the return of the younger sister. With my support, the younger sister stayed on especially as neither my husband or me was ready to explain our reasons to our elder daughter.
I really don’t know what happened but my younger daughter became pregnant and didn’t bother to inform anybody until her elder sister coincidentally saw the result of her pregnancy test.
According to my elder daughter, in the process of her trying to find out who her mystery boyfriend is, since the one she knows is outside the country, she became very rude to the elder sister. Somehow, it led to them exchanging words which eventually ended in the elder one slapping the younger one.
It was during this heated exchange that the younger one told the elder sister, not to ever try it as they were now mates. It was at that point she told the sister that she was pregnant for her husband.
But for the timely intervention of neighbours, only God knows what would have happened.
By the time my husband and I got there on the orders of our elder daughter, her husband too had come home. He too didn’t know how to handle the mess he created.
My offense in the whole matter was insisting that the younger daughter be allowed to give birth instead of aborting the pregnancy as my husband and other family members are insisting. As a matter of fact, the mother-in-law of my daughter said she would rather die without seeing the child of her son than allow my younger daughter give birth to the child. She said in their place in Edo State, it was a big taboo for a man to sleep with two sisters.
Her stance coupled with my husband’s earlier warning made him conclude I was privy to my younger daughter’s decision to sleep with the husband of her elder sister.
For this reason, I have been sent packing while my younger daughter too has also been sent out of her sister’s house.
My pleas to my husband to understand that as a mother, I simply wanted the best for my daughters, fell on deaf ears. I reasoned that if the elder daughter is unable to have children in that family and the younger one is able, it was better than a complete stranger coming to take over her home. Besides, who can query God in all these? That child didn’t happen without His knowledge so why kill it simply because the women are sisters? If another woman had been involved, would the discussion be on her aborting the pregnancy? They are my daughters, so I should be the one crying the more.
I am really confused on how to proceed from here. Besides I want to go back to my husband’s house. I miss not being with him.
Bisoye.

Dear Bisoye,
Granted, we are never in any position to query God but, as the mother of the two women, wisdom demands discretion in the handling of this kind of very sensitive matter among your daughters.
Even if you didn’t want your younger daughter to abort the pregnancy, there are ways of saying it without making it appear you approve of the abomination she has committed. To say openly that what she has done is the will of God is to send out a wrong signal to your elder daughter, your husband as well as other family members that you deliberately encouraged your younger daughter to seduce her sister’s husband.
There is no way you can, from your action and utterances, wash yourself clean of this smear your younger daughter’s behaviour has dabbed on you. As a mother, the onus is on you to solve this problem your apathy is currently causing in your family.
No matter what you thought of the utterances of the house-help, you should have followed your husband’s advice by investigating what the house-help said. Although, your younger daughter wouldn’t have admitted to sleeping with her sister’s husband but, you should have told her to come back home like your husband suggested.
Doubtless, it may not have ended their relationship but it would have truncated the freedom and confidentiality living together under the same roof gave both of them. It would have helped you keep a tab on the movement of your daughter as well as remind her that the man she is sleeping with is her sister’s husband. Cocooned in the same house with the man, toned down whatever sense of loyalty she felt towards her sister.
The truth is that nothing you say or do will change what has happened. What matters the most is how to proceed from here. The first thing is for you to reconcile with your first daughter who naturally will feel betrayed by your insistence that her sister keeps the pregnancy. If she is insisting on her sister aborting the pregnancy, it is within her rights to make such demands because to her the presence of the child will keep the memory of her pains evergreen. The best you can do for this woman is to keep your second daughter and her expected child as far away from your eldest daughter, as possible.
The fact that she is yet to have a child of her own is bound to make her feel worse than she would ordinarily have felt. Honestly, it would have been better if it was another woman that betrayed her; at least she would have you and her sister to support her in her pains. But her sister? Who is to comfort her? Who else is she to trust? You as her mother is now torn between the two of them so it makes her more alone and lonely than ever before.
Even if her sister leaves; what about the child? That child will forever remind her of this moment. By taking the child, you give your children the chance to continue with their lives.
For now, don’t try to reconcile them because the pains of betrayal is still too deep and things might be said that will be impossible for either of them to take back. If your second daughter can afford it, let her relocate from the country. It would be in her best interest since the news that she slept and had a baby for her sister’s husband will continue to haunt her everywhere she goes. It is one stigma that will never leave her or your family. But time will eventually mellow the pains of this betrayal especially if she gets pregnant and begin to have her own babies.
To hope that the two women will be as loving as they were before this incident is to hope for too much. It is one of the sacrifices you have to pay for failing to act when you should.
As for your husband, send emissaries to him to beg him and to assure him that you are innocent of supporting your younger daughter to destroy her elder sister’s home. Your husband’s disappointment and pains come from your refusal to heed his order that your younger daughter comes back home. He is waiting to see how you will resolve this problem. As soon as he is convinced of your efforts, he will change his mind.
Above all, ask for the help of God to right all the wrong of this situation.
Good luck.


My husband does not satisfy my sexual urge
Dear Agatha,
I have been trying so hard to resist going out of my matrimonial home to have an affair but the truth is I am only postponing the inevitable. For the two years I have been married, my husband hasn’t been able to satisfy my sexual urge. It is so bad that I have taken to self-ministration just to maintain some emotional equilibrium in my marriage.
The worst thing is that I cannot discuss the issue with him because he has the prim and propder attitude which makes any discussion about sex prohibited.
We were sexually active before we got married but because he was always never around as a bank manager, I didn’t have reasons to complain. Besides at 38 then, I was desperate, didn’t have too many choices and thought I would be able to change him along the line.
But two years into our marriage it doesn’t appear as if I can continue to cope with him. I am a full blown woman with needs. Some friends I spoke with said, this is no longer an issue these days; that there are a dozen men willing to give me the kind of satisfaction I want. Besides, I recently ran into an old flame who appears very disposed to helping me solve this problem.
However, I am scared that if I am found out, he will throw me out of the house. He can be very cruel when he wants to be but can also be very caring which is what he has been to me since we got married. He won’t hesitate to take away my baby if he has to. I was really lucky finding him when I did which is the reason I am so confused.
Much as I want to keep my home, my body needs the balm of a good sex life to stay happy. Am I asking for too much? What if the man I find decides to blackmail me after? One of the men my friends found for me is actually a young man struggling to make ends meet. His job is to help me stay happy while I provide funds for him to make his life better. The money isn’t the issue since I can always get my husband to increase my house-keeping money but, what if he turns around to blackmail me for more money later? I am terrified of the implications if my husband ever finds out I haven’t just been unfaithful to him but has been using his money too to finance my affair.
Please help me.
Ada.


Dear Ada,
You can have a fulfilling sex life without having an affair or depending on self-ministration to get it right. All that is required is for you to use more of your imagination.
Begin by accessing your husband’s maximum and minimum ability. Since meeting him, what has been his best so far as well as his low points? During those times he came close to your expectation, what brought on the mood? There is no way you can make him better if you don’t know how to engineer his relaxation. As a bank manager, there is no contesting the fact that stress and worries associated with keeping his job will at the end of the day affect his state of mind. If all he worries about is how to ensure he meets his target as manager as well as maintain his family, his libido will certainly be affected.
Worries and sex don’t go together. A man that is always worried will never make a good lover. As his wife, you will need to do more to drag him out of his worry zone once he is with you. His performance before he married you might be better than it is now because then, he didn’t have to add a wife and child to his worry list. Then it was just him; now he has you and the baby to think of hence, the more reason for him to put in his all to ensure he keeps his job.
This is why you must use your imagination to find ways of helping him relax and appreciate your presence in his life. You have to use tact and your womanly instinct to help him function better.
A lot would depend on the kind of approach you adopt. There is no way he is going to dismiss complains about sexual satisfaction if you employ wit and open understanding in bringing up the issue. He would naturally become offended if you make it sound as if you sound critical of him as a man. No man can put up with his wife or woman telling him he isn’t man enough to make her feel like a woman. The usual conclusion would be that the woman has been messing around.
The trick here is to take the lead. For now don’t give him a clue about what you feel each time he makes love to you. You will be putting him on guard and very suspicious of your motive if you say anything to him.
Begin your night of seduction by cooking his favourite meal. Even if he is tough and unromantic, his choice food will do the magic. It will take him down to a time he cherishes the most; that time he made the decision to make this meal his preferred. Often than not, our favourite choices come from pleasant memories of a time past. By tapping into that, you bring back long forgotten memories of a time he was carefree, happy and without a burden. If he still has a mother, going to her, to help you gather memorials of his growing up years may do the trick. Preparing his mother’s favourite meals for him may just be what you need to gain access into his heart forever.
By the time you are through with the food, using information from his mother or sibling, talk about his cherished topics; the film he liked the most when he was younger, his first date and all the wonderful things about his parents and family.
Use good music to remind him of how good it is to relax. By talking to him about the past, you gradually take him to a time before his bank job as well as all the complications that go with it. By the time you are both ready to sleep, his mind will be relaxed enough to allow you take the lead.
Adding an adult film the next time will further enhance your previous effort. Even for couples that have found a good harmony, they still need tits and bits of exciting new ideas to keep their nest fresh.
Use your knowledge of sex to help him relax. Give him a total package of what you know; beginning from his scalp to the sole of his feet. The motive is to imprint in his mind you, the moment and message of love. If you are good at it, you will have succeeded in creating a new world for both of you and for him specifically. He may not have had a woman in his adult life who has had anything to do with giving him some basic lessons on how to please a woman. As long as you are sure of what you want, and you are not shy in drawing it out of him, your love life will experience tremendous changes.
Lots of men assume that pleasing a woman begins and ends with her capture. By using actions rather than words, you will be communicating your needs to him effortlessly. This method in addition to enhancing your love life, will also improve your personal relationship with your husband. A man who works as hard as your husband needs a friend and companion at home to help him unwind. Be the friend he needs. It will also help you to know him better than you currently do.
If protecting his home is cruelty, then all men are so. This is no news. As a matter of fact, you are the one who is cruel in this marriage. Remember you refused to complain before marriage simply on account of your desperation to marry so it would amount to wickedness for you to now make it an issue in your marriage to the point of contemplating using his money to fund your extra marital affairs.
Ignore all those friends that are urging you towards having an affair outside your home. At the end of the day, you will be the fool to take to their counsel.
A man willing to sleep with a married woman for money, will think nothing of reporting such woman to her husband if she fails to pay him whatever fee he demands for his service. And, what makes you sure your friends are really out to help you? For all you know, they maybe aiding the destruction of your home to give them access to your husband. No good friend tells her friend to engage in extra marital affairs so be careful with these kinds of friends. If you are wise, quietly delete them from your life.
In addition, stop sharing the intimacy of you and your husband with friends. It is a habit that might get you into trouble if told to the wrong kinds of friends.
Besides, if you think of the shame of being thrown out of your home if caught, you won’t even think of betraying your marital vows.
Just submit everything concerning your home to God. It is essential you do this.
Good luck.