Won’t leaving him now label me ingrate?

Dear Agatha,

 

 

I need urgent reply to this issue which has been confronting me all these while. There is this man who has supported me in my career for four years. He sponsored my study as well as did other things for me, and my family members as well. 

But something came up. My pastor and my stepmother have been telling me to leave this man just because he refused to come to my house. I have been telling him to come but he told me he is broke, a fact I am aware of. 

There is also the issue of his age. I lied to my parents about his age. While I clocked 26 years of age in November last year, he will be 24 this month.  My parents have been on my neck to bring home the man I intend to marry. I have communicated this desire of my parents to him but he says it is not yet time for him to meet them. He says he won’t be ready until about two years time.

My parents want me to dump him for another man. Some of my friends too I told about him are supportive of my parents stance on the matter. They are of the opinion that I should dump him but I don’t want to hurt him because he made me all I am today despite the fact I am older than him and better than him educationally.

These days, he doesn’t bother about me having told him about the desire of my parents and pastor. I have this deep feeling inside of me that my pastor and parents want to ruin my future. I happen to know what this man is passing through now he isn’t as financially buoyant as before. This is the time he really needs me the most. My family wants me to marry this year unfailingly.

I am so confused. Please help me before it’s too late. 

Betty.

Dear Betty, 

Aren’t your parents aware of the positive role this man has played in your life? Are they ignorant of the fact that he paid your school fees and has kept giving you every kind of support you need to succeed in life? Did they ever ask you at the time he was rendering this support to you and them who he is and what he wanted from you? Why didn’t they insist at the time that they must see him or leave him because they didn’t know him? Asking you to leave him now that he has given you support to make it in life isn’t right at all.

Furthermore, didn’t you know that you were older than him by two years when you allowed him all these years to pay your fees and give you all the support he gave you? Frankly, the age thing isn’t an excuse or issue in this matter. Don’t even think about it because it would only paint you as an opportunist. A lot of marriages between older women and men are working well. A lot depends on how you as the woman adjust to your role as a wife to someone you are older than. If he isn’t perturbed by it, don’t bother yourself about it. Besides, who is going to tell your parents about his age? This is something between the two of you. Unless you want it advertised, they don’t have to know anything about the age gap between the two of you.

How would they feel if this boy were their son and a girl he has invested so much on disappoints him the way they want you to ditch him now? To be able to pay your school fees and provide other support must have entailed a lot of sacrifices from him. If he isn’t as financially buoyant as he was when he was paying your fees, it doesn’t mean he loves you less. As a matter of fact, taking care of your financial needs must have contributed to the present financial situation he is in. 

If he isn’t bothered about you anymore, because at 26 he expects you to know what you want. You are no longer a baby or ignorant of what you want in a man. For him at that age to shoulder the responsibility of sponsoring your education shows a man who is deep and very caring. His friends and family members would have at various times warned him against investing in the education of a woman who isn’t his wife. You can therefore imagine his pains and embarrassment at this point in time and how his friends would gloat over this whole development? 

Sincerely, your parents owe this man a lot. You are not his child but he took on a responsibility that rightly belongs to your parents to execute in your life. The least is to show appreciation and not make him appear like a fool. 

He did what he did out of love. The question now is how much do you love him? Can you make the same sacrifice for him? Are two years too much for this man to ask you given the fact that he also gave you four years of his life; giving you the kind of support you need to make the difference in life?

Honestly the reason being advanced by your parents and pastor as excuse to dump him isn’t tenable at all. After what he has done for you, he has no reason not to come. His action in itself is enough reason for them to entrust you to him. Perhaps he is that kind of man who thinks it wrong to be meeting his would be in-laws without a form of gift for them. Sincerely, you should understand and try to convince your parents as to his sincerity and reason he doesn’t want to come now. 

At this important juncture in your life, the onus is on you to take the path you know would benefit you at the end of the day. Not only are you above the age of consent, you are in the best position to judge the intentions of this man as well as that of your family. Ideally your pastor should provide spiritual guidance and not supporting your parents to disqualify him on account of his personal constraints. 

What you should do now is to sit him down for a very frank talk. Where does he hope to be in two years time? Ask him very probing questions concerning his plans as well as the kind of support he would need in the realisation of his dreams. He has to know that you care sufficiently about him at this critical period of his life. 

If at the end of the day, things don’t work out between the two of you, it won’t be because you were only interested in what you can get from him but it would be obvious to him that you and him weren’t meant to be. This way you free yourself from any spiritual consequences of biting the fingers that fed you. But it is in your own interest to be very honest with yourself, view things from the angle only you can understand as well as would work for you.

Have this at the back of your mind: your marriage is personal to you and it isn’t made perfect by the number of years spent in it but by the commitment, sacrifices, dedication, and determination put into it. Often than not, the beginning of anything that would be good is often laced with hardship and selfless sacrifices. The next person too won’t come with guarantees. 

You must begin the process of knowing and examining your lives together before marriage. Two years aren’t forever. To meet and marry a man this year is treating the issue of marriage with levity and your parents ought to know better, marriage isn’t shopping where you go and buy what you want. It takes more than ultimatum for someone to meet the right partner and plan marriage with such a person. 

However, to please your parents, prevail on your boyfriend to honour their invitation to see them. They cannot force him to do what he isn’t prepared for. He should be bold enough to tell them that he isn’t ready as well as when he would be.

Open up your heart to the wishes of God. Go to Him in prayers yourself and do what He tells you to do. A good man like this young man is very difficult to come by. 

Good luck.