Dear Agatha,
I am always inspired by the way you give good answers to people’s questions. I have been having problems in every relationship I go into. Recently, I met this guy in my church, we are not friends, and I know he was interested in dating my friend who happens to be the daughter of a pastor in the church.
To get my friend to notice him and become jealous, he begged me to pretend that we were dating. To cut the long story short, he however asked me out because his interest in this friend of mine is making her head to swell and that he was tired of the whole thing.
This month made it one year that we started dating. One day, he came to my house and one thing led to another and he forcefully deflowered me. Since then it has become a regular thing between us.
Initially, he was nice to me but began to change along the way. He beats and abuses me. He also does all sort of things to me, to the extent I have become afraid of him.
When I missed my period and informed him about it, he told me it wasn’t his problem that he isn’t interested in me but simply hanging around.
In the church every body knows us as friends but I am scared it is a plan work to ruin me because my daddy is the district pastor of the church.
Even after claiming his disinterest in my friend, I always see him around her and notice how nicely he treats her. For instance, there was a day I told him I was hungry. He told me he didn’t have any money, but right there in my presence, he brought money out to buy food for my friend when she told him she was hungry too. I didn’t find it funny and protested that fact. He told me it was only N100 food he bought her.
One Sunday, I took his phone and I saw a message he sent her begging her to come back to him. I asked him if it was she he sent the message to but he said no that it was another person bearing the same name with her. I believed him but later that day, I collected my friend’s phone to listen to music then checked her inbox. I did and saw the same message on her phone. I was hurt by the discovery and decided to end the relationship. Perhaps what was more painful is the fact that he saved her number with sweetheart while my number wasn’t even stored. He didn’t want people in the church to know that we are dating. He later begged me and I agreed because I loved him and he told me that the reason he lied to me was because he knows I was going to be jealous. He treats her family like jewels and mine with levity. I don’t know what to do, either to break up or continue with him. If I break up with him how would I cope because we are in the same church? Please I need your advice urgently.
Confused Girl.
Dear Confused Girl,
In the first place the issue here has gone beyond you breaking up with him to that of managing the many by products this relationship has brought with it. Whether you break up with him or not won’t resolve the issue of your pregnancy. Both of you have to sit down and talk about it irrespective of what he feels or thinks about you. The pregnancy is a fact you both have to come to terms with. At this point whosoever he adores or you are jealous of is not as important as what becomes of the innocent child that is incubating inside of you. The decision of both of you to taste sex outside marriage has resulted into the conception of an innocent life, which you both must have to contend with. That decision to end it has been decided by the presence of the pregnancy. So it is too late to contemplate that option.
Ending it won’t also erase the fact that you sold yourself cheaply to this man or the fact that he lacks respect for you. You have made too many costly mistakes, the consequences will for a long time live with you.
For instance, you knew his feelings for your friend, yet agreed to his offer of friendship just as you were well aware of his real interest in you. He wanted you in his life to make your friend sufficiently jealous to accept him into her life. He didn’t lie to you or pretend his interest in you was deeper than it is. He told you from the beginning what he wanted from you. He gave you the opportunity of turning him down but you made the choice of going through with him. In all honesty, he doesn’t share in the blame of what you are feeling in this relationship. If anyone is to be blamed, that person must be you.
As the woman, you mortgaged your integrity because you didn’t think deeply about your options. You took advantage of your friend’s attitude to motor your interest in this man.
In the first place, you had no business going out with a man who has expressed interest in your friend. If you were truly a friend to this other girl, you won’t agree to such a proposal from her boyfriend. The best you would have done is to mediate in the matter, getting your friend to listen to the man and not to date him.
If there is anyone who should feel bad, it is your friend and not you. He treats her with respect because she has conducted herself with respect. Hence he has no choice but to have a high regard for her. Men value women who have learnt the secret of self-respect and principle. If nothing, this lady has demonstrated to this boy that she doesn’t come cheap and that she is conscious of the delicate position of her father in the church.
You on the other hand didn’t think of the implication on your father or his ministry in your conduct. If there is anyone out to destroy your father, it is you. How do you think he would feel when he finds out that his daughter is pregnant for a man who doesn’t love her and obviously not in the least interested in sharing a minute part of his life with her?
You claimed that he forced himself on you, how? If you didn’t create the chance of intimacy between the two of you, there is no way he would have forced himself on you in the open place. And why didn’t you after that first time discontinue to have anything to do with him if truly he violated you? The fact that you kept sleeping with him shows that your claims of violation aren’t true; that you slept with him of your own volition.
To get back some of your credibility, learn to be truthful to yourself always. There is no way anyone can be truthful to you if you don’t show such considerations to yourself.
As for the issue of the pregnancy, it is something you both have to discuss with the reality it deserves. Sooner or later, it would begin to show and tongues would waggle as to who is responsible. It is unfortunate that you are all members of the same church and children of men of God. There is no way your father’s image would not be affected by your actions; what should concern you now is how to manage it so it doesn’t completely cripple his ministry.
And one of the ways you can help your father survive this scandal is to inform them now of your condition as well as the boy’s attitude towards it. Arrangements can be made for you to go away for a while to enable you have your baby and continue with whatever it is that you are doing.
Although not a perfect solution, but it would be better than exposing yourself, family and the church to the ridicule of members as well as the society in general.
The disappointment won’t be too much if your parents get to hear details of the pregnancy from you. Though it would grieve them to know that your conduct goes against their teaching and position in the society, but it is best they hear it from you than from others outside.
For the sake of the baby you just have to learn to control your emotions and give attention to the reality on the ground. Both of you must discuss and agree on the welfare of the child growing inside of you.
Above all be contented with any situation you find yourself to avoid making this kind of mistake again. Also learn to be close to your God, it matters so much to be.
Good luck.
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