Dad wants grandson; pastor pleads caution…

Dear Agatha,                                                                                

I have followed your column closely all these days and it has now become imperative for me to table my problem. I am a woman of 38 years of age and have had bad relationships from time to time. I dated a guy, who seems to be Mr. Right but who was unwilling to settle down quickly. After four years of indecision I called it quit. 

Later I met another guy but the problem is that he is too stingy, and he is far more comfortable than me but he prefers me spending my own money on everything. He wants to settle down but cannot commit himself to taking any responsibility. Rather he prefers to spend his finances on looking good and using the best car in town. I foresee a marriage that would be filled with quarrels and argument. We have talked but he did not change. 

My daddy is of the opinion that I should just overlook it and give him grandson but my pastor is warning me. I am at crossroad. Age is not on my side. 

Worried lady.

Dear Worried Lady,

This isn’t your daddy’s life or anyone for that matter, it is about you and your happiness and comfort. Only a fool sees a burning fire and plunges into it. You can always tell the quality of a material from its look. Marriage is more than producing grandchildren for your daddy. If marriage is just a simple mathematics of producing children only, a lot of people won’t bother at all. Besides, you don’t have to marry to give your father his heart desire if it were that simple. There are a lot of both young and unmarried mothers. Have your father also considered the salient fact of your inability to produce a child in the marriage? Would he tell you to quit and marry another man as long as his desire to have a grandson is realised? What if you end up having all girls since his specification is a grandson?

Sorry to say this but your father isn’t putting your feelings and well-being into considerations at all. His reasons for wanting you to marry this man would end up destroying you at the end of the day. No good marriage can come from such a condition.

Like you have noticed, this man doesn’t have the kind of character that would make a woman happy. Marriage is about joint responsibility. The man must be alive to his responsibilities just as the woman too is expected to play her role effectively. Issues and things have to be prioritised for every couple to find joy in their union. For this simple reason don’t mortgage your happiness for anything. 

Let your father know that much as you love him, you aren’t ready to make the mistake of entrusting your future to a man you know you lacks the essentials to make you a good husband.

However, you also have to help yourself come out of the situation you are now. There is no point continuing with this man when it is obvious that you are not happy with him. Be bold enough in your interest to tell this man precisely what you think of his person and character. By staying in the relationship, you are giving the impression that you are satisfied and also denying yourself the chance of allowing someone with your outlook enter into your life. 

Your father may have insisted on your marrying him because you lack the courage to quit a relationship you say isn’t working for you. There is no way he or anybody would take your observations of him serious.

Granted, age appears not to be on your side but marriage isn’t something one goes into with the wrong person irrespective of how old one is. This is a journey of a lifetime; to make mistake in your choice of a partner is to live a life of regrets and emotional torture. The worst kind of sentence for any human being is to get married to the wrong person. With you feeling the way you are doing about your boyfriend, thread with caution.

At this crucial stage, it is imperative you listen more to your pastor whose duty it is to give spiritual direction. 

Good luck.