Should I marry her without my parents blessing?

Dear Agatha,

 

I’m a graduate and have a good job as well. I met a girl six years ago and fell in love wit her. I proposed to her and she accepted. I told my parents last year but they bluntly refused. It even got to the stage of me choosing between my family and the girl. I’m the only son of my parents and won’t give me their blessings if I eventually marry her. 

What do you think I should do because I’ve tried working on my parents but it seems to be a fruitless effort? Should I marry her and discard the blessings of my parents, a choice I am unwilling to make, just as I cannot make the choice of leaving her as well.

Charlz.

Dear Charlz,

In this kind of situation, you just have to make a choice. It is either you accept to go with your parents or submit to the desires of your heart. To say you can’t do either is to admit to your own failure as a man. As one old enough to marry, you should know what makes you happy. For you to contemplate marriage shows that you have reached the age of definition. You must be able to characterise your life to suit your dreams as a person, more so as a man who would one day lead his own family.

However, it behooves you to give some thoughts to the objections of your parents for the simple reason that they have more experience in these matters than you do. At the end you still reserve the right to your own decision since the issue has to do with your life and happiness especially if such reasons bother on pure sentiments rather than substantiated reasons.

What precisely has your parents got against your would be wife? Why are they insisting you can’t marry her? Is it that you are both not from the same state hence the fear of effective communication and appreciation of each other’s customs and values? Has it to do with the fact that as the only son you should marry someone they know, someone familiar with your culture? If this is the case, then it isn’t good enough a reason because even if you end up marrying someone they personally groomed for you, if both of you lack the essential commitment to make a marriage work, not only will your parents be disappointed at the end but would also have created a generation of problems for you as a man.

If this is their only reason, sit them down and explain the need for them to open their hearts to her because with love, everything can be achieved in life. Assure them that while you understand all their fears concerning her, given time, she could be the kind of daughter-in-Law they want for you.

However, if their complaints have to do with her character, attitude and values, take time out to listen to them even if you are not pleased with whatever it is they are saying. 

Sometime the things we take for granted are the same things that wait to cause problems for us in the future. 

Pay attention and make efforts to find out if they are telling the truth or not because at times our parents too have a habit of exaggerating things to suit their plans for us. If you want to get it right with this marriage, divorce sentiments from your investigations of her behaviour, this is important because you would be the one to live with the outcome of whatever decisions you take today.

At the end of the day, weigh your own happiness vis-à-vis the choice your parents are presenting before you. Being the one that would wear the shoes, be firm where you have to be.

Honestly if you are determined to marry this lady, there are ways you can get your parents to listen to you. You can go through their religious leader or someone they esteem, that person they cannot afford to say no to. 

Take the girl to that person; give the person a day or two to digest his or her impression of the girl before going back to discuss the problems you are having with your parents concerning the lady and how you would appreciate the person’s intervention in getting your parents to support your choice. Underline the salient fact that this is a woman you have dated for six years and with whom you have been able to build a strong bond of understanding and friendship. 

That asking you to do away with her is asking you to throw away six years of your life. Once you are able to convince the person of your dreams, it would be easy for that person to talk to your parents.

Whatever happens at the end, ensure you are in line with God’s plans for you. Set some days aside to seek the face of God in this matter. Specifically tell God to speak to you on this issue in the language you will understand. 

The issue of marriage is more serious than a lot of us think.  Good luck.