Dear Agatha,
Please help me. I am 22 years of age, serving and in a relationship with a 20-year-old undergraduate. My relationship is shadowed by insecurity on my part. In all my previous relationships I have missed happiness due to this problem of mine.
Now I am in another relationship and don’t want to lose my girlfriend this time around. Please help me especially as she has this married man also interested in her.
Although I have told her to tell the man to stop calling her she declined to. In all fairness, I am sure there is nothing going on between the two of them, but she told me he might be 'useful'. When I asked her to explain what she meant by that statement, she said it was girl’s talk. This has caused a serious disagreement between us.
Insecure Boy.
Dear Insecure Boy,
This woman isn’t the real problem rather you and whatever happened in the past is.
There is no way you can conduct a viable relationship if you are constantly suspicious of your women. No woman likes to be questioned unnecessarily or clothed in attire that doesn’t fit her.
Whatever your past mistakes are, you have to learn to deal with the real issues in your life. It has to be an all-embracing approach to whatever it is that is bringing on your insecurities.
The first question to ask yourself is why you are feeling so insecure. Has it to do with your family history? Is there any particular incident in your past, your parents’ marriage, with your female relatives that has put this fear inside of you? What is it that you have locked very deep in your heart and has refused to discuss with anybody?
Your phobia isn’t normal and until you take the bold step of addressing it, you will never be completely happy with any woman because like a black cloud each time it promises pure sunshine, the dark clouds would come to cast a shadow over it.
To be able to be truly happy, you have to learn to trust all over again. You have to let go of the shadows of yesterday. You have to realize that while cobwebs are inevitable part of life, when they are allowed to last becomes traps. The beauty about life is allowing the past act as a motivation for the future. We are prone to mistakes and when they come, must be used as a ladder to reach on to better things in life.
This lady has done the right thing about telling you about this man. You won’t be pressurizing her to do as you say if she has kept quiet about this man. Learn to give her the benefit of doubt.
Doubtless her answer sounds provocative, but fighting her won’t make her change her mind. Rather, show her how much you love her as well as her importance to you. When a woman is secured in the love of her man, she will never do anything to hurt him or for him to suspect her.
Showing her that you trust her sufficiently to do her thing is one of the quickest ways of making a woman change her mind about her course of action. At that point one thing runs supreme in her mind, that of not betraying the man who has given her so much trust whereas anger and stubbornness at being told whom she can associate with or not makes her blind to reason.
Just tell her you trust her enough to go with her reasons even if the whole thing makes you very uncomfortable. Telling her about your discomfort would make her a little careful and unlikely to risk losing you.
This attitude would also help you more confident of yourself as a man. Insecurity in a man could lead him to losing his focus in life because the time that would have been spent on productive ventures goes into monitoring and picking needless quarrels with his woman thereby weakening the support base of his home and life.
As the head, you must resist the damaging consequences of insecurity. When in doubt about any situation, always ask questions before complaining or acting.
At 22, there is plenty of time for you to build on your self-confidence to avert the disaster of a broken home as a result of your inability to properly pilot the affairs of your matrimony with the maturity it deserves.
Good luck.
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