Dear Agatha,
I have a big problem that has to do with my home.
I got married seven years ago and blessed with a son. Before I got married, I was dating my childhood friend. We courted for over seven years, but had a disagreement that led to our separation. Initially I thought it was an issue we could settle but we just couldn’t. It had to do with another girlfriend of his whose existence I discovered when I came back from school. Before I realised what was happening and my mistake, she was pregnant for him. Since there was nothing I could do about the situation, I allowed them be.
They got married even before me. I later married another guy because I really did not have any other choice.
And because I still loved my former boyfriend, I found it difficult to open my heart to my real husband. I often find myself thinking a lot about my former boyfriend so much so I find myself imagining being with him anytime I am with my husband. Fortunately, I have learnt to cope even though it is very difficult.
However, something happened two years ago, which shattered the fragile wall I have strived to build around my marriage. It was a simple matter of discussing with him on the phone and since then I have not been myself. I find myself always thinking of him, unable to tolerate the situation any more. I was forced to call him to tell him about my plight and how my feelings for him have refused to go. He said we should meet at one of the cafes in town to discuss. When I got there, we discussed, and he suggested we continue the relationship. He even promised to marry me. He said he still loved me. I told him to give me time to think about it.
My problem now is that, I am truly in love with this guy. My heart has refused to accept anyone else. Even right now, I don’t even have any feelings for my husband again. No emotional feelings. And this problem is affecting me at home generally. Please I will be very grateful if you can advise me on what to do because I really love him like when we started 18 years ago. Right now, I can’t think of anything else except his thoughts.
He said the only obstacle to his marrying me is my husband since I am still living with him. How do we do it? I told my husband since last year of my decision to quit the marriage when I discovered that we weren’t compatible. My conscience is, however, disturbing me at the turn of things.
Please help me.
Basirat.
Dear Basirat.
What on earth are you doing to yourself? First, you married a man out of a rebound. Now you want to go back to the same man that did not only ditch you for another girl but also married her without caring for your feelings or the relationship you both had.
You brought this predicament onto yourself. Simply because your ex ditched you, you didn’t bother to heal, think properly before plunging into another relationship and marrying the man. You acted unfairly and unwisely. Unfairly, because you knew you didn’t love this man yet you led him into marriage to get back at your ex who got married to his pregnant girlfriend. Marriage is not an institution one goes into with the type of motive you had when you married your husband. In your selfishness, have you thought of the pains you are subjecting the man and your son to? Do you think he deserves the type of treatment you are giving him and the shock of leaving him for another man?
Have you also thought of the consequences of your action on that poor child?
Besides, what makes you so certain this man, also married, is willing to leave his wife for you? What gives you the impression that he is going to be faithful to you? A man, who exhibited no qualms walking away from you the first time, and is giving the impression that he cares no hoot leaving his marriage for you, is definitely not one any sensible woman would leave the security of her home for. Like tap, this man is capable of switching on and off his feelings without consideration for your feelings at all when you might have given up everything up for him.
You are unhappy because you refused to give this marriage a chance from the beginning. Going by your disposition to this man and your marriage, there is nothing this man would ever do that would be right in your eyes. Not only have you made up your mind to be unhappy with him but have decided from the very beginning to set yourself up for failure with any other man besides your first love.
In his shoes, how would you feel if he were the one treating you with so much indifference and difficulties?
You may not know it yet, but a time would come when you would have wished you didn’t treat this man with so much disdain and indifference.
Even if you want to leave him, ensure it is not for these reasons you are touting. Let the reasons be something you can defend any day. To leave your home for the arms of a man who is also married and who didn’t think anything of hurting you when you had no complications in your life is wrong.
Though the final choice is yours to make, allow the spirit of God to guide you properly, else you end with more regrets than you can cope with.
Good luck.
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