With Auntie Agatha,gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com,Tel: 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
Am a regular reader of your column, may God bless you more as you continue in your work.
There is this problem, which has been giving me considerable concerns for sometime now. It has to do with my girlfriend who is refusing to sleep with me. She is 19 while I am 23 years of age. We have been together for about two years and five months now.
Each time we discuss the subject, she disagrees and says she will find it difficult to stop once we get started. In addition, she says she wants to keep her virginity for her wedding night.
Agatha, I am afraid of losing this girl because I love her so much. I don’t know what to do. She does not like me talking to any girl each time she pays me a visit. Please tell me what to do.
Ebere Obi.
Dear Ebere Obi,
What is the real problem here? The fear of losing her to another man without you having sex with her, or her refusal to have sex with you?
From where I stand, this letter calls to question your claims about loving her. If you really love this lady, you should trust and give her the necessary support to be who she is.
She has told you, she cannot marry sex with other things now; it is a very honest answer. She is giving it as a condition for you to marry her. All she is saying is that you should allow her be, she wants to hold on until her wedding night. If truly you love her and want to marry her, why are you then in such a hurry?
If you don’t stop putting pressure on her, you actually risk losing her to a man more understanding and appreciative of whom she is than you.
Besides, at 23, do you have what it takes to be a father, as she could get pregnant from her first experience? One thing is to desire sex another thing is to be prepared for the responsibilities that go with it. Do you have the financial wherewithal to support mother and child while still holding on to your own dreams?
At 19, she is just emerging from the cocoon of her teenage years and protection of her parents. She would naturally want time to know what freedom is. This is the kernel of her fear. She has to know what she wants to know – the direction to go. You are lucky to have a woman who is this deep. Not many girls her age realise that sex is a huge distraction to one’s dream and focus. That she is able to realise this early in life, shows a young woman who is matured and has value for herself.
You would do well to allow be. It is the only way this kind of lady will respect and honour you. Importantly, you must learn to trust her completely especially as you haven’t caught her in an act that which suggests she is lying to you about her virginity or interest in you.
As long as you don’t have any ulterior motive concerning this relationship, don’t have the plans to abandon her after you have a taste of her, learn to take each day as it comes in this relationship. If God says you two are meant to be together, nobody would come between the two of you.
Good luck.
Wednesday, November 9, 2011
My girls have other men in their lives…
With Auntie Agatha,gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com,Tel: 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
I love your response to issues. I am a regular reader of your column. I am in need of a quick answer on a challenge I am facing before I do something very wrong.
I am a boy of 23 years of age and a student of a Nigerian University. My challenge is that at my age, I don’t have a girlfriend. The thing is that I don’t trust women generally due to my previous experiences with them.
However, recently, I got involved with two women at the same time. One of them is an undergraduate while the other one is seeking admission into the university.
The two of them are caring, loving and supportive of my education. I love both of them; unfortunately they are each involved with other men.
I really don’t want to lose any of them and each time I think of them in the arms of other men, I feel sorrow and pains deep in my heart. What should I do?
Agatha I need your advice.
Worried Man.
Dear Worried Man,
My first impression was simply to dismiss your letter but something deep inside of me ministered your need for help.
From your letter, it is certain that you are your own problem as it concerns your relationship with women. And until you clean up your own act, you will continue to meet with pains and disappointments.
Even though you still have a long way to go in terms of being ready to settle down, the truth is if you don’t begin from this early to get your priorities right, you will continue to get hurt.
For instance, your current relationships were programmed by you to fail and cause you pains from the beginning. How do you intend to cope with two ladies at the same time? And why those who have other men in their lives?
How do you propose to get the best out of them or grow a successful relationship? Have you thought of them meeting in your place and causing a scene? The truth is you may not lose them to other men but to your own greed and untidiness. Once they find out that you have two of them in your life, they will leave you. No woman wants to share her man. Don’t forget they are each taking risks trying to establish a relationship with you outside their existing ones. Both ladies are probably looking for more securities, assurances and stability by hooking up to you.
To discover the man they want to take the risk with isn’t the serious kind will definitely make them think twice about the gamble they are about to take with their own relationships. Unlike you, these girls are looking for life partners. Once a girl begins to climb the 20s step, she begins to get serious about life by examining the potentials of every relationship she enters into.
This is because a woman’s shelf-span isn’t as elastic as that of the man’s. While a man can play the field throughout his 20s, a woman serious about settling down to a family cannot take such gamble.
They are showing care and love because they each think you are faithful to them and an option when things go wrong in their existing relationship. It will certainly evaporate the moment they find you out to be a cheat.
And if things change positively in their existing relationships, they will also leave you high and dry when you think everything is working well.
The bottom line is that you should look for a woman of your own. In doing that be sure you are very honest and factual about the things you want.
To do it right, look at the trend in your past relationships. Why did they all fail and you getting hurt?
You must learn to accept your own liabilities as a man. No disappointment in relationship happens to anyone without certain assistance from that person. Our pains and aches in relationships are the end products of our refusal or ignorance to look deeper into the kind of choice we are making.
This is why it is important for you to go back in time to find out your own contributions to the pains in all your previous relationships.
What kind of women have you being attracting to yourself or the values you put forward? What are your interests in these women? Is it money, sex, beauty or character?
And above all, what is your definition of love? Do you even know what it entails to be in love? The sacrifices, temperament, responsibilities, understanding, patience, and perseverance that go with making a relationship work?
Besides, at 23, what are your current values and visions for the future?
All these when aggregated impact directly on the kind of relationship one would have.
Going by all that you have said, there is no way you can ever hope to get it right in your relationships.
As for these girls, allow them be. They are not yours so stop hurting yourself needlessly over women who are by right belong to other men. You are their sidekicks, secret lovers, so why allow yourself get hurt by the thoughts of them being in the arms of the men they are officially linked with? Can a thief publicly proclaim his or her trade? You don’t have the right to complain about what any of these girls do with their official boyfriends. So why waste your time on ladies that aren’t yours in the real sense of it?
You will eventually be hurt. The minus side of these relationships you are in is that these girls are just as capable of cheating on you like they are cheating on their current boyfriends.
Good luck.
Dear Agatha,
I love your response to issues. I am a regular reader of your column. I am in need of a quick answer on a challenge I am facing before I do something very wrong.
I am a boy of 23 years of age and a student of a Nigerian University. My challenge is that at my age, I don’t have a girlfriend. The thing is that I don’t trust women generally due to my previous experiences with them.
However, recently, I got involved with two women at the same time. One of them is an undergraduate while the other one is seeking admission into the university.
The two of them are caring, loving and supportive of my education. I love both of them; unfortunately they are each involved with other men.
I really don’t want to lose any of them and each time I think of them in the arms of other men, I feel sorrow and pains deep in my heart. What should I do?
Agatha I need your advice.
Worried Man.
Dear Worried Man,
My first impression was simply to dismiss your letter but something deep inside of me ministered your need for help.
From your letter, it is certain that you are your own problem as it concerns your relationship with women. And until you clean up your own act, you will continue to meet with pains and disappointments.
Even though you still have a long way to go in terms of being ready to settle down, the truth is if you don’t begin from this early to get your priorities right, you will continue to get hurt.
For instance, your current relationships were programmed by you to fail and cause you pains from the beginning. How do you intend to cope with two ladies at the same time? And why those who have other men in their lives?
How do you propose to get the best out of them or grow a successful relationship? Have you thought of them meeting in your place and causing a scene? The truth is you may not lose them to other men but to your own greed and untidiness. Once they find out that you have two of them in your life, they will leave you. No woman wants to share her man. Don’t forget they are each taking risks trying to establish a relationship with you outside their existing ones. Both ladies are probably looking for more securities, assurances and stability by hooking up to you.
To discover the man they want to take the risk with isn’t the serious kind will definitely make them think twice about the gamble they are about to take with their own relationships. Unlike you, these girls are looking for life partners. Once a girl begins to climb the 20s step, she begins to get serious about life by examining the potentials of every relationship she enters into.
This is because a woman’s shelf-span isn’t as elastic as that of the man’s. While a man can play the field throughout his 20s, a woman serious about settling down to a family cannot take such gamble.
They are showing care and love because they each think you are faithful to them and an option when things go wrong in their existing relationship. It will certainly evaporate the moment they find you out to be a cheat.
And if things change positively in their existing relationships, they will also leave you high and dry when you think everything is working well.
The bottom line is that you should look for a woman of your own. In doing that be sure you are very honest and factual about the things you want.
To do it right, look at the trend in your past relationships. Why did they all fail and you getting hurt?
You must learn to accept your own liabilities as a man. No disappointment in relationship happens to anyone without certain assistance from that person. Our pains and aches in relationships are the end products of our refusal or ignorance to look deeper into the kind of choice we are making.
This is why it is important for you to go back in time to find out your own contributions to the pains in all your previous relationships.
What kind of women have you being attracting to yourself or the values you put forward? What are your interests in these women? Is it money, sex, beauty or character?
And above all, what is your definition of love? Do you even know what it entails to be in love? The sacrifices, temperament, responsibilities, understanding, patience, and perseverance that go with making a relationship work?
Besides, at 23, what are your current values and visions for the future?
All these when aggregated impact directly on the kind of relationship one would have.
Going by all that you have said, there is no way you can ever hope to get it right in your relationships.
As for these girls, allow them be. They are not yours so stop hurting yourself needlessly over women who are by right belong to other men. You are their sidekicks, secret lovers, so why allow yourself get hurt by the thoughts of them being in the arms of the men they are officially linked with? Can a thief publicly proclaim his or her trade? You don’t have the right to complain about what any of these girls do with their official boyfriends. So why waste your time on ladies that aren’t yours in the real sense of it?
You will eventually be hurt. The minus side of these relationships you are in is that these girls are just as capable of cheating on you like they are cheating on their current boyfriends.
Good luck.
Thursday, November 3, 2011
Before my stepson impregnates my 9-year-old girl…
Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com,Tel: 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
I have this huge problem. I am so confused and don’t know what to do about it. I discovered recently that my stepson has been sleeping with my nine-year-old daughter. The boy in question is 16.
I actually walked in on them one night when I had reason to go to their room to get something. Unfortunately, my husband was out of town so I was the only one left to deal with the issue. And what frightened me is that my daughter appeared to be enjoying it.
According to my daughter it had been going on for sometime now.
They share the same room since we live in a two-bedroom apartment. My daughter told me it started one night while the father and I were away. She said they watched a film together where two adults were kissing and doing funny things together. My investigations revealed he got the film from his friend in the next compound.
My husband is naturally very angry about it but the major problem now is that the boy is still living in the house with us. Despite my insistence that the boy leaves my husband appears unable to make a firm decision.
I have threatened to quit the marriage unless his son leaves my house. What do I do as my children and I cannot stay in the same house with the boy? My husband says if he were my son, would I send him away? But the issue is that he isn’t mine and he has destroyed my innocent daughter.
I am also considering reporting the matter to the Police since my husband appears unable to take a decisive action. The boy blames it on the devil, but my fear is if nothing is done to make him pay for what he has done to my daughter, he will do it to another innocent child.
Worried Mother.
Dear Worried Mother,
You are right to be apprehensive. As long as the two of them continue to stay together in the same house and room, there is no stopping them from sleeping together.
It is unfortunate that such a thing is happening in your home and marriage. Sincerely, there is no easy way out of this because your daughter has to be protected at all cost. Her entire life and psychological well being rest on you.
This is the time she needs you the most. Since your husband appears unable to take a firm decision concerning his son, you may have to, for now take your daughter out of the house, perhaps a girls’ boarding school as a way out of the impasse.
Your husband is unable to take a firm decision because the children involved are his. Like you, he is at fix and only bidding for time. Telling him to send the boy away may appear harsh to him. With him feeling in this mood and feeling that your demand that he send his son away, it would be a futile exercise to insist on anything at this point in time. The matter is extremely hot to try to force a decision on him. I honestly understand how you feel but give him time to make up his mind while you take all steps to help your daughter live a normal life.
Once your daughter is out of the house, be rest assured that he would want the matter revisited since your daughter cannot live outside her father’s house permanently. One of the ways this matter can be resolved is for the boy to be sent to school and while on holidays, stay with his mother. If his mother is dead, he can stay with any of his relatives.
If he has to stay at home, ensure your daughter isn’t at home. The need to keep them apart is because sex is addictive. If together, the temptation will always be there for them to repeat it all over again. This is so because she has gotten used to it to the point of enjoying the act.
Granted you caught both of them sleeping together but it would be hard to prove that he really violated your daughter. From her account, it could be either way something both of them wanted and did out of curiosity at first. If you report to the Police and under interrogation says he didn’t force himself on her, what would you do? Your concern should rather be on her own acceptance of the act as an enjoyable one. This is where you should concentrate more efforts, because this is where the danger and challenge really is. At every opportunity you have, draw your daughter close and make the effort to discuss to her as an adult. Unlike other girls her age, she has experienced sex and taken a liking to it. Now, it isn’t a matter of how she got introduced to it but of her own attitude to it.
Sad as it may appear and sound, her case has gone beyond rape to that of management of her own desires as a woman. To ignore this fact is to mortgage her future. She needs you to help her come to terms with what happened to her as well as manage her desires in such a way she is able to live a normal and healthy life.
A lot of issues may later develop from this incident and if you are not on top of it, may find yourself in particular living in the pains of your discovery forever.
To be of immense help to your daughter, you must resist bitterness or making any harsh decision on this matter. One of them is to transfer your growing hatred for the child to your husband and marriage. Don’t forget that the girl involved is his daughter just as the boy is his son. No father prays to witness his children sleeping with each other.
Both of you are allowing the pains of your discovery get the better of you. You are both not fair on yourselves and children. If you allow your marriage to crash, the burden would be too much for you and your daughter to shoulder. For her, it would always be at the back of her mind that she had something to do with the failure of your marriage, and you will never be able to move on due to the burden of guilt, hatred and bitterness that would take over your life.
You need your husand, just as much as he needs you. Besides, you also need to find out from the boy why he did what he did. While I am not trying to justify what he did, he also needs help. If nothing is done to help him out of the abyss he is headed, he risks being condemned forever. Let him see a psychologist, to enable him understand the gravity of what he has done as well as the danger of this act to his future.
If you report him to the Police, you also would be exposing your daughter to undue publicity, the ridicule and gossip of those you think were your friends. It may not matter now but all these would come to play some day when she is ready to settel down. Gossips have a way of giving new flesh to already dry bones when they are out to make alife miserable for someone. It is this future you should consider in the case of your daughter. No matter how civilised we get, this kind of incident everywhere in the world is a stigma. The woman gets is the one left to protect her reputation.
Every family has its skeleton to hide. This is your own family secret. Another thing you can do is to seek the mother out if she is still alive. Get her involved. She may have just the right answer to this deadlock in your home. If she agrees to take her son, care for him and make him responsible, you won’t need to put your daughter in a boarding school.
Although this lesson is costing you so much, it isn’t right after a while to keep boys and girls in the same room these days. There is too much information at the disposal of today’s children. They can access whatever kind of information they want straight from the internet through their phones or computers.
Many of them may be innocent physically but their minds are more matured than even those of their grandparents’ of old. It is the power of advanced technology and free information.
Leaving a 16-year-old boy with a nine-year-old girl alone in a room was too much of a risk, even if they are your children. Some young girls at that age have started to sprout. It is always best to err on the side of caution than regrets. This is the reality of modern life.
Another thing you may not want to hear now is how well have you treated this boy? Chances are if you are the kind of stepmother who doesn’t treat her stepchildren well, it could have been pre-planned to hurt you back.
It is sad that the man gets blamed when issues like this happen but it could just be the fault of the girl too. Honestly, you have a huge task ahead of you to find out what the whole story is. It would really help you resolve so many issues you have been blind to in your home.
Be brave to face whatever comes out of it with the maturity this issue deserves.
Good luck.
Dear Agatha,
I have this huge problem. I am so confused and don’t know what to do about it. I discovered recently that my stepson has been sleeping with my nine-year-old daughter. The boy in question is 16.
I actually walked in on them one night when I had reason to go to their room to get something. Unfortunately, my husband was out of town so I was the only one left to deal with the issue. And what frightened me is that my daughter appeared to be enjoying it.
According to my daughter it had been going on for sometime now.
They share the same room since we live in a two-bedroom apartment. My daughter told me it started one night while the father and I were away. She said they watched a film together where two adults were kissing and doing funny things together. My investigations revealed he got the film from his friend in the next compound.
My husband is naturally very angry about it but the major problem now is that the boy is still living in the house with us. Despite my insistence that the boy leaves my husband appears unable to make a firm decision.
I have threatened to quit the marriage unless his son leaves my house. What do I do as my children and I cannot stay in the same house with the boy? My husband says if he were my son, would I send him away? But the issue is that he isn’t mine and he has destroyed my innocent daughter.
I am also considering reporting the matter to the Police since my husband appears unable to take a decisive action. The boy blames it on the devil, but my fear is if nothing is done to make him pay for what he has done to my daughter, he will do it to another innocent child.
Worried Mother.
Dear Worried Mother,
You are right to be apprehensive. As long as the two of them continue to stay together in the same house and room, there is no stopping them from sleeping together.
It is unfortunate that such a thing is happening in your home and marriage. Sincerely, there is no easy way out of this because your daughter has to be protected at all cost. Her entire life and psychological well being rest on you.
This is the time she needs you the most. Since your husband appears unable to take a firm decision concerning his son, you may have to, for now take your daughter out of the house, perhaps a girls’ boarding school as a way out of the impasse.
Your husband is unable to take a firm decision because the children involved are his. Like you, he is at fix and only bidding for time. Telling him to send the boy away may appear harsh to him. With him feeling in this mood and feeling that your demand that he send his son away, it would be a futile exercise to insist on anything at this point in time. The matter is extremely hot to try to force a decision on him. I honestly understand how you feel but give him time to make up his mind while you take all steps to help your daughter live a normal life.
Once your daughter is out of the house, be rest assured that he would want the matter revisited since your daughter cannot live outside her father’s house permanently. One of the ways this matter can be resolved is for the boy to be sent to school and while on holidays, stay with his mother. If his mother is dead, he can stay with any of his relatives.
If he has to stay at home, ensure your daughter isn’t at home. The need to keep them apart is because sex is addictive. If together, the temptation will always be there for them to repeat it all over again. This is so because she has gotten used to it to the point of enjoying the act.
Granted you caught both of them sleeping together but it would be hard to prove that he really violated your daughter. From her account, it could be either way something both of them wanted and did out of curiosity at first. If you report to the Police and under interrogation says he didn’t force himself on her, what would you do? Your concern should rather be on her own acceptance of the act as an enjoyable one. This is where you should concentrate more efforts, because this is where the danger and challenge really is. At every opportunity you have, draw your daughter close and make the effort to discuss to her as an adult. Unlike other girls her age, she has experienced sex and taken a liking to it. Now, it isn’t a matter of how she got introduced to it but of her own attitude to it.
Sad as it may appear and sound, her case has gone beyond rape to that of management of her own desires as a woman. To ignore this fact is to mortgage her future. She needs you to help her come to terms with what happened to her as well as manage her desires in such a way she is able to live a normal and healthy life.
A lot of issues may later develop from this incident and if you are not on top of it, may find yourself in particular living in the pains of your discovery forever.
To be of immense help to your daughter, you must resist bitterness or making any harsh decision on this matter. One of them is to transfer your growing hatred for the child to your husband and marriage. Don’t forget that the girl involved is his daughter just as the boy is his son. No father prays to witness his children sleeping with each other.
Both of you are allowing the pains of your discovery get the better of you. You are both not fair on yourselves and children. If you allow your marriage to crash, the burden would be too much for you and your daughter to shoulder. For her, it would always be at the back of her mind that she had something to do with the failure of your marriage, and you will never be able to move on due to the burden of guilt, hatred and bitterness that would take over your life.
You need your husand, just as much as he needs you. Besides, you also need to find out from the boy why he did what he did. While I am not trying to justify what he did, he also needs help. If nothing is done to help him out of the abyss he is headed, he risks being condemned forever. Let him see a psychologist, to enable him understand the gravity of what he has done as well as the danger of this act to his future.
If you report him to the Police, you also would be exposing your daughter to undue publicity, the ridicule and gossip of those you think were your friends. It may not matter now but all these would come to play some day when she is ready to settel down. Gossips have a way of giving new flesh to already dry bones when they are out to make alife miserable for someone. It is this future you should consider in the case of your daughter. No matter how civilised we get, this kind of incident everywhere in the world is a stigma. The woman gets is the one left to protect her reputation.
Every family has its skeleton to hide. This is your own family secret. Another thing you can do is to seek the mother out if she is still alive. Get her involved. She may have just the right answer to this deadlock in your home. If she agrees to take her son, care for him and make him responsible, you won’t need to put your daughter in a boarding school.
Although this lesson is costing you so much, it isn’t right after a while to keep boys and girls in the same room these days. There is too much information at the disposal of today’s children. They can access whatever kind of information they want straight from the internet through their phones or computers.
Many of them may be innocent physically but their minds are more matured than even those of their grandparents’ of old. It is the power of advanced technology and free information.
Leaving a 16-year-old boy with a nine-year-old girl alone in a room was too much of a risk, even if they are your children. Some young girls at that age have started to sprout. It is always best to err on the side of caution than regrets. This is the reality of modern life.
Another thing you may not want to hear now is how well have you treated this boy? Chances are if you are the kind of stepmother who doesn’t treat her stepchildren well, it could have been pre-planned to hurt you back.
It is sad that the man gets blamed when issues like this happen but it could just be the fault of the girl too. Honestly, you have a huge task ahead of you to find out what the whole story is. It would really help you resolve so many issues you have been blind to in your home.
Be brave to face whatever comes out of it with the maturity this issue deserves.
Good luck.
Wednesday, November 2, 2011
He opens talk on marriage three weeks after we met…
With Auntie Agatha,gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com,Tel: 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
I pray to God to give you more strength in doing your good work.
Please, I need your help in this matter. I am a lady of 27 years of age and who has been praying for a God fearing man to marry.
Recently, a man just walked in to my office with the offer of marriage after just three weeks of our meeting.
I am so confused about it all. In the first place, he isn’t a Catholic, doesn’t even attend any church neither is he baptised.
He lacks all the qualities I want in a man and isn’t the kind of man I want to spend the rest of my life with. But he hasn’t stopped disturbing me for my hand in marriage. He wants us to be engaged without even meeting my people. Please help me.
Perpetual.
Dear Perpetual,
What are you confused about? That he is interested in you or the fact that you know he lacks the kind of qualities you want in a man? As a young woman, different men would always come to express an interest in you. Just as they are different, so would be their objectives of wanting you to be in their lives or methods of getting you to play to their music.
As a woman, you must always be on the alert to read the men coming your way correctly. You must always be way ahead of them because you are the one who gets to bear the brunt of any mistake or mischief embedded in their offers of interest in you.
You can only achieve this, by being clearheaded, realistic and determined about what you hope for in life.
If you know what you want from life, you will have a clear vision of what would work for you.
Marriage is a lot more serious than the way you and this man are taking it.
In the first place, it is a journey of forever, hence your choice must be based on harmony, friendship, loyalty, trust, a fair knowledge of the character of the person as well as the presence of God to make things happen in the marriage.
To marry someone you don’t know is loading the marriage with two many gambles. While every decision to marry is itself a game of chance, to overload it with too many hazards is to stifle it before it even has a chance of survival.
First, if really interested in you, he should grow the necessary patience to do things properly. You both have your entire lifetimes ahead of you. The best things in life are those things we are willing to wait for. If indeed he finds you priceless, like gold, he should grow the patience and resilience of the goldsmith. The best gold is the one whose goldsmith is willing to endure the heat of the fire. If he sees you as a precious gold, encourage him to exercise staying power for now. He should properly court you, find out who you are, the real person behind the mask he wants to marry. He should also give you the opportunity of knowing who he really is, study him like a book, know his shortcoming as well as his strength, determine the kinds of sacrifices would be needed to make the marriage last forever.
This chance to know him will help you evaluate him better. The fact that you don’t see anything of interest in him now may be because you don’t know him, beyond his front cover. There is no way a book can be correctly judged from its cover design. Unless one takes time out to read the book, valuable lessons and reasons may be lost.
You will never rightly know the person behind his image on this chance encounter. He also has to be sure what he sees in you is strong enough to keep him by your side forever.
Since he is the one who wants marriage, don’t be afraid to make positive demands of your own. Tell him you need time to think, study and make a decision concerning his proposal.
God often doesn’t give us what we want in the shape we want. Coming at the time you are asking God for a husband is more reason why you should look beyond your own qualities to God’s emphasis for you. Don’t overlook the fact that God may be testing your own readiness for marriage as well as your dependence on Him.
You each must be able to exercise certain control over each other. If you are able to slow him down a little bit, made him understand that a marriage needs proper foundation to survive the quakes of two strangers coming together to make a home, you would have won a major victory in your attempt at navigating this relationship to the right shores.
It is only after you have had the chance of getting to know him, that you can correctly say if he has the qualities you want in a man or not.
For now, give both of you the chance to get to know yourselves by insisting on a relationship first. Let him know that marriage comes after a successful relationship and not the other way round.
Good luck.
Dear Agatha,
I pray to God to give you more strength in doing your good work.
Please, I need your help in this matter. I am a lady of 27 years of age and who has been praying for a God fearing man to marry.
Recently, a man just walked in to my office with the offer of marriage after just three weeks of our meeting.
I am so confused about it all. In the first place, he isn’t a Catholic, doesn’t even attend any church neither is he baptised.
He lacks all the qualities I want in a man and isn’t the kind of man I want to spend the rest of my life with. But he hasn’t stopped disturbing me for my hand in marriage. He wants us to be engaged without even meeting my people. Please help me.
Perpetual.
Dear Perpetual,
What are you confused about? That he is interested in you or the fact that you know he lacks the kind of qualities you want in a man? As a young woman, different men would always come to express an interest in you. Just as they are different, so would be their objectives of wanting you to be in their lives or methods of getting you to play to their music.
As a woman, you must always be on the alert to read the men coming your way correctly. You must always be way ahead of them because you are the one who gets to bear the brunt of any mistake or mischief embedded in their offers of interest in you.
You can only achieve this, by being clearheaded, realistic and determined about what you hope for in life.
If you know what you want from life, you will have a clear vision of what would work for you.
Marriage is a lot more serious than the way you and this man are taking it.
In the first place, it is a journey of forever, hence your choice must be based on harmony, friendship, loyalty, trust, a fair knowledge of the character of the person as well as the presence of God to make things happen in the marriage.
To marry someone you don’t know is loading the marriage with two many gambles. While every decision to marry is itself a game of chance, to overload it with too many hazards is to stifle it before it even has a chance of survival.
First, if really interested in you, he should grow the necessary patience to do things properly. You both have your entire lifetimes ahead of you. The best things in life are those things we are willing to wait for. If indeed he finds you priceless, like gold, he should grow the patience and resilience of the goldsmith. The best gold is the one whose goldsmith is willing to endure the heat of the fire. If he sees you as a precious gold, encourage him to exercise staying power for now. He should properly court you, find out who you are, the real person behind the mask he wants to marry. He should also give you the opportunity of knowing who he really is, study him like a book, know his shortcoming as well as his strength, determine the kinds of sacrifices would be needed to make the marriage last forever.
This chance to know him will help you evaluate him better. The fact that you don’t see anything of interest in him now may be because you don’t know him, beyond his front cover. There is no way a book can be correctly judged from its cover design. Unless one takes time out to read the book, valuable lessons and reasons may be lost.
You will never rightly know the person behind his image on this chance encounter. He also has to be sure what he sees in you is strong enough to keep him by your side forever.
Since he is the one who wants marriage, don’t be afraid to make positive demands of your own. Tell him you need time to think, study and make a decision concerning his proposal.
God often doesn’t give us what we want in the shape we want. Coming at the time you are asking God for a husband is more reason why you should look beyond your own qualities to God’s emphasis for you. Don’t overlook the fact that God may be testing your own readiness for marriage as well as your dependence on Him.
You each must be able to exercise certain control over each other. If you are able to slow him down a little bit, made him understand that a marriage needs proper foundation to survive the quakes of two strangers coming together to make a home, you would have won a major victory in your attempt at navigating this relationship to the right shores.
It is only after you have had the chance of getting to know him, that you can correctly say if he has the qualities you want in a man or not.
For now, give both of you the chance to get to know yourselves by insisting on a relationship first. Let him know that marriage comes after a successful relationship and not the other way round.
Good luck.
She finds it hard to let go her ex…
With Auntie Agatha,gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com,Tel: 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
I am a man of 37 years of age and really need to get married. My seven years old relationship recently crashed. I would be grateful if you can advice me concerning my current relationship with a lady, I am planning to settle down with. I met this young lady in August last year. Since then, we have become very close. I have proposed to her and she in turn has agreed to marry me. But I have this major fear; she is too close to her ex-boyfriend for comfort. He happened to be her first love.
He is currently in South Africa, the reason she told me she didn’t marry him since she didn’t want to live apart from her man.
I recently met a lady who was privy to their relationship then. During my discussion with the lady, she told me my fiancée was so much in love with the guy and doubts if she will ever love another man the way she loved her ex.
The lady said my woman might go back to the guy whenever he comes back or goes into extramarital affairs with him after marriage.
So, Agatha, would it be possible for her to totally forget the guy and fall completely in love with me if I marry her? Should I go ahead with the marriage or stop? Please, I need your advice. Chris.
Dear Chris,
There are no definite answers when it comes to the game of the heart. Life and love is a huge gamble just like all the choices we daily made.
But one thing I am very sure of is that a lot would depend on how you treat her. That she was so much in love with her ex-boyfriend doesn’t mean she is incapable of loving another man. Since she was the one that terminated their relationship, she must have considered so many things before doing that.
There comes a time in one’s life when love isn’t enough to insure happiness. She has told you the truth; she needs her man around her. The choice is yours to make her happy with you. Not everywoman can cope with distant relationship. If you give her what she wants, there is no reason for her to go outside you to be happy. They must have been good friends even while they were lovers. This is what you should try to emulate. Be the friend who understands her, always there for her and who trust her.
Besides, there are different kinds of love; some are like petrol that burns up immediately while others have the strength of the diesel. The latter though lacks the vibrancy of the former, however has more stamina to last forever. This is what you should work at to get. It is a simple thing of you defining the kind of love you both share.
In addition, no two lovers that can be the same because our feelings for people are often patterned after the individuals involved. If she still keeps in touch with her ex, it is because they were able to detect early in their relationship, that something extra that ignites them. It is the reason parents often find themselves having a soft spot for one child than the others. What matters at the end of the day is not the intensity of passion that goes into our feelings but the amount of respect and responsibility packed into it.
What should matter to you now is her attitude towards you. Her not concealing the nature of her relationship with her ex from you underscores her sincerity with you. A woman, who has something to hide, won’t be so obvious. To get the best from her, learn to trust her. This is all she needs to be herself, to enhance the quality you obviously first noticed in her.
It is very important you desist from listening to what people say about her or her past relationship, just as you must resist the urge to question her every movement. Like her, you must also have had a past, fallen in love before meeting her.
Besides, be careful you don’t allow insecurity robs you of someth
Dear Agatha,
I am a man of 37 years of age and really need to get married. My seven years old relationship recently crashed. I would be grateful if you can advice me concerning my current relationship with a lady, I am planning to settle down with. I met this young lady in August last year. Since then, we have become very close. I have proposed to her and she in turn has agreed to marry me. But I have this major fear; she is too close to her ex-boyfriend for comfort. He happened to be her first love.
He is currently in South Africa, the reason she told me she didn’t marry him since she didn’t want to live apart from her man.
I recently met a lady who was privy to their relationship then. During my discussion with the lady, she told me my fiancée was so much in love with the guy and doubts if she will ever love another man the way she loved her ex.
The lady said my woman might go back to the guy whenever he comes back or goes into extramarital affairs with him after marriage.
So, Agatha, would it be possible for her to totally forget the guy and fall completely in love with me if I marry her? Should I go ahead with the marriage or stop? Please, I need your advice. Chris.
Dear Chris,
There are no definite answers when it comes to the game of the heart. Life and love is a huge gamble just like all the choices we daily made.
But one thing I am very sure of is that a lot would depend on how you treat her. That she was so much in love with her ex-boyfriend doesn’t mean she is incapable of loving another man. Since she was the one that terminated their relationship, she must have considered so many things before doing that.
There comes a time in one’s life when love isn’t enough to insure happiness. She has told you the truth; she needs her man around her. The choice is yours to make her happy with you. Not everywoman can cope with distant relationship. If you give her what she wants, there is no reason for her to go outside you to be happy. They must have been good friends even while they were lovers. This is what you should try to emulate. Be the friend who understands her, always there for her and who trust her.
Besides, there are different kinds of love; some are like petrol that burns up immediately while others have the strength of the diesel. The latter though lacks the vibrancy of the former, however has more stamina to last forever. This is what you should work at to get. It is a simple thing of you defining the kind of love you both share.
In addition, no two lovers that can be the same because our feelings for people are often patterned after the individuals involved. If she still keeps in touch with her ex, it is because they were able to detect early in their relationship, that something extra that ignites them. It is the reason parents often find themselves having a soft spot for one child than the others. What matters at the end of the day is not the intensity of passion that goes into our feelings but the amount of respect and responsibility packed into it.
What should matter to you now is her attitude towards you. Her not concealing the nature of her relationship with her ex from you underscores her sincerity with you. A woman, who has something to hide, won’t be so obvious. To get the best from her, learn to trust her. This is all she needs to be herself, to enhance the quality you obviously first noticed in her.
It is very important you desist from listening to what people say about her or her past relationship, just as you must resist the urge to question her every movement. Like her, you must also have had a past, fallen in love before meeting her.
Besides, be careful you don’t allow insecurity robs you of someth
I’m pregnant for my married ex
With Agatha Edo,Email:womaneditor@independentngonline.com,gataedo@yahoo.com or agatha.edo@gmail.com,08054500626
Dear Agatha
Please help me. I don’t know what to do about my situation. There is this man I have always loved but he got married to another woman.
The problem started when I traveled out of the country for two years. On the day I arrived England, I lost my address book so couldn’t get in touch with anyone at home for a long time. By the time I was able to get through to him, he was already dating another woman who he eventually got married to.
When I came back, I decided to begin my life all over again but unfortunately, none of the relationships I went into worked.
I also got to know that my old boyfriend had relocated to Abuja with his family so I didn’t bother myself to look for him. Deep down I knew I was still very much in love with him and would have done anything to have him back. Therefore, the knowledge that he wasn’t in Lagos anymore pleased me.
But all that changed when we ran into each other again in Lagos. I went to the local wing of the airport to drop a cousin of mine when I saw him at the car park looking for a taxi to take him to town. Needless to say, I gave him a lift to where he was going. We exchanged numbers. An hour after dropping him, he called to know where I was. Since I was on leave, I gave him my home address and that was my undoing as we ended up being intimate that day.
From that moment, there was no looking back. Even when I knew I was taking so much of his time, I didn’t feel bad; he had always been mine.
Although, I knew the relationship wasn’t heading anywhere, I was willing to take my chances. I never really stopped loving him.
But, there is a problem; I am pregnant and he is insisting I abort the pregnancy. I really want to since I am not keen on being a single parent but, none of the doctors we went to want to risk their certificate. All three of them say my womb is too tender and that I could lose my womb or life if anything is done to the pregnancy.
For selfish reasons, I want this baby but God knows I am not ready to destroy any woman’s marriage. He hasn’t said anything about me getting rid of the pregnancy after what the doctors said but I don’t want to have this baby outside wedlock.
Please tell me what to do before the pregnancy becomes too obvious.
Pat
Dear Pat,
This is difficult. Either way, you are the loser in this game you have played. If you decide to abort the baby, you will either die or have a damaged womb; for a woman, there is nothing worse than such a sentence; knowing that by your own choices, you have become barren.
On the other hand, you would not only be destroying another woman’s marriage but, causing problems for your child in the father’s house. There is no way your child can have the best of the father or the siblings in this condition. No matter how hard he tries to be involved, there will always be hindrances and resistance from his wife and other children.
There is no way the woman and her children would not feel cheated by you. They would think that the idea to have the child was deliberate, a ploy to drive away their mother. Only you would know that it wasn’t; that circumstances forced the situation on you.
As it is now, be prepared to be a single parent. You have done enough damage to yourself and this man’s marriage. Don’t complicate things any further. He may have been your man before he got married, but he is no longer yours. He belongs to another woman in whose shoes you would feel very bad if you were her.
Don’t forget she had nothing to do with what happened between you and your ex. If God had wanted you two to be an item, you would not have misplaced your address book or not have his number in your memory bank. That you didn’t and couldn’t get in touch with him or anybody who could give you his number shows that your separation was divine.
It is funny how we remember God when things go wrong. Had you taken your time to examine your relationship as at the time you met again, you won’t be in this mess. And even when you got back together, you could have prevented the pregnancy if really you weren’t planning on keeping him forever. The fact that you felt you owned him is a pointer to what you actually had in mind when you re-entered into a relationship with him.
He won’t insist you terminate it because your life is at stake. He expects you to make the right decision. The only right thing is for you to free this man of any obligation to you and your child. Unfortunately, this is what the situation you have found yourself in demands.
Assure him that you are not ready to bother him whether or not he takes care of the baby and you. It may not be easy for you initially but give him the freedom to make his choice. This way, he would be convinced that this child isn’t something you planned to use in destroying his home. He may understand that medically you may not survive an abortion, but would he appreciate that you forced him into having a child outside matrimony? He may still have feelings for you but no man appreciates being forced into a situation he didn’t plan for.
If you don’t handle this situation with wisdom and maturity, overtime, he would begin to bear a grudge against you. There is no way your child will not be affected by his feelings towards you. Men have a way of transferring their feelings for the mother of a child to the child.
Besides, you have to resist being the reason for the break-up of this marriage. It is too late for you to undo the damage of your involvement with him. But there is a lot you can do about ensuring this marriage survives your intrusion into their lives.
By giving him space to deal with the reality of having a baby outside his marriage, informing his wife about it; you are signalling your determination to make amends for your role in this whole affair.
Granted it takes two to tangle and that he cannot be completely exonerated in this whole thing, the fact remains that it is the responsibility of a woman to keep things light. You are the mother of this child hence your responsibility to ensure you do everything to procure peace and happiness for it. Every man given the kind of opportunity you gave him would react in the same way. If you had insisted on not going the length you went with him, he wouldn’t have forced you.
By taking responsibility for your actions, you are giving his marriage a chance to heal and helping yourself revive your life once again. This time out would help you think of what is important to you. Now that a child is on the way, it would do you a world of good, to begin to think ahead. This kind of attitude would go a long way in helping you put the important things in focus.
Good luck.
Dear Agatha
Please help me. I don’t know what to do about my situation. There is this man I have always loved but he got married to another woman.
The problem started when I traveled out of the country for two years. On the day I arrived England, I lost my address book so couldn’t get in touch with anyone at home for a long time. By the time I was able to get through to him, he was already dating another woman who he eventually got married to.
When I came back, I decided to begin my life all over again but unfortunately, none of the relationships I went into worked.
I also got to know that my old boyfriend had relocated to Abuja with his family so I didn’t bother myself to look for him. Deep down I knew I was still very much in love with him and would have done anything to have him back. Therefore, the knowledge that he wasn’t in Lagos anymore pleased me.
But all that changed when we ran into each other again in Lagos. I went to the local wing of the airport to drop a cousin of mine when I saw him at the car park looking for a taxi to take him to town. Needless to say, I gave him a lift to where he was going. We exchanged numbers. An hour after dropping him, he called to know where I was. Since I was on leave, I gave him my home address and that was my undoing as we ended up being intimate that day.
From that moment, there was no looking back. Even when I knew I was taking so much of his time, I didn’t feel bad; he had always been mine.
Although, I knew the relationship wasn’t heading anywhere, I was willing to take my chances. I never really stopped loving him.
But, there is a problem; I am pregnant and he is insisting I abort the pregnancy. I really want to since I am not keen on being a single parent but, none of the doctors we went to want to risk their certificate. All three of them say my womb is too tender and that I could lose my womb or life if anything is done to the pregnancy.
For selfish reasons, I want this baby but God knows I am not ready to destroy any woman’s marriage. He hasn’t said anything about me getting rid of the pregnancy after what the doctors said but I don’t want to have this baby outside wedlock.
Please tell me what to do before the pregnancy becomes too obvious.
Pat
Dear Pat,
This is difficult. Either way, you are the loser in this game you have played. If you decide to abort the baby, you will either die or have a damaged womb; for a woman, there is nothing worse than such a sentence; knowing that by your own choices, you have become barren.
On the other hand, you would not only be destroying another woman’s marriage but, causing problems for your child in the father’s house. There is no way your child can have the best of the father or the siblings in this condition. No matter how hard he tries to be involved, there will always be hindrances and resistance from his wife and other children.
There is no way the woman and her children would not feel cheated by you. They would think that the idea to have the child was deliberate, a ploy to drive away their mother. Only you would know that it wasn’t; that circumstances forced the situation on you.
As it is now, be prepared to be a single parent. You have done enough damage to yourself and this man’s marriage. Don’t complicate things any further. He may have been your man before he got married, but he is no longer yours. He belongs to another woman in whose shoes you would feel very bad if you were her.
Don’t forget she had nothing to do with what happened between you and your ex. If God had wanted you two to be an item, you would not have misplaced your address book or not have his number in your memory bank. That you didn’t and couldn’t get in touch with him or anybody who could give you his number shows that your separation was divine.
It is funny how we remember God when things go wrong. Had you taken your time to examine your relationship as at the time you met again, you won’t be in this mess. And even when you got back together, you could have prevented the pregnancy if really you weren’t planning on keeping him forever. The fact that you felt you owned him is a pointer to what you actually had in mind when you re-entered into a relationship with him.
He won’t insist you terminate it because your life is at stake. He expects you to make the right decision. The only right thing is for you to free this man of any obligation to you and your child. Unfortunately, this is what the situation you have found yourself in demands.
Assure him that you are not ready to bother him whether or not he takes care of the baby and you. It may not be easy for you initially but give him the freedom to make his choice. This way, he would be convinced that this child isn’t something you planned to use in destroying his home. He may understand that medically you may not survive an abortion, but would he appreciate that you forced him into having a child outside matrimony? He may still have feelings for you but no man appreciates being forced into a situation he didn’t plan for.
If you don’t handle this situation with wisdom and maturity, overtime, he would begin to bear a grudge against you. There is no way your child will not be affected by his feelings towards you. Men have a way of transferring their feelings for the mother of a child to the child.
Besides, you have to resist being the reason for the break-up of this marriage. It is too late for you to undo the damage of your involvement with him. But there is a lot you can do about ensuring this marriage survives your intrusion into their lives.
By giving him space to deal with the reality of having a baby outside his marriage, informing his wife about it; you are signalling your determination to make amends for your role in this whole affair.
Granted it takes two to tangle and that he cannot be completely exonerated in this whole thing, the fact remains that it is the responsibility of a woman to keep things light. You are the mother of this child hence your responsibility to ensure you do everything to procure peace and happiness for it. Every man given the kind of opportunity you gave him would react in the same way. If you had insisted on not going the length you went with him, he wouldn’t have forced you.
By taking responsibility for your actions, you are giving his marriage a chance to heal and helping yourself revive your life once again. This time out would help you think of what is important to you. Now that a child is on the way, it would do you a world of good, to begin to think ahead. This kind of attitude would go a long way in helping you put the important things in focus.
Good luck.
Wednesday, October 26, 2011
She wants wedding now
With Auntie Agatha gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com Tel: 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
I’m an ardent reader of your column and I must say you have touched and saved lots of relationships through your work. I pray God bless you real good.
I have a girl I have been dating since high school. I’m 25 years of age while she is 22. Right from the beginning she has always nurtured this passion for wedding ceremonies. She practically attends all wedding ceremonies in her church because it makes her happy.
After high school, I left the country to study abroad. In fairness to her, she remained good and there for me. Our communication remained efficient. December 2009 was the first time of my coming back to Nigeria since I left.
Back in school she told me she was a virgin. Deep in me, I didn’t believe and anytime I tried making love to her, she would allow me touch her, but sex she won’t allow. I couldn’t force her, but when I returned to the country after two years of being away she allowed me. I was shocked to discover she was still a virgin. I’m in my final year now and hoping to further my studies. I know she misses me so much and I do too. I miss my family so much too.
By God’s grace, I should be through by next year and return home.
The problem now, in the few months, whenever we are talking on the phone, she would bring up the issue of marriage. At first, I told her I wish to have her as my wife but right now, there are things I need to achieve before settling down. I told her everything without holding back anything from her. I won’t be ready until about four or five years from now. She told me she wants to get married before she turns 25.
I know it’s the dream of everywoman to get married and start her own family, but she is making it appear as if husbands are on sales in the shop and that a woman simply walks in there to buy one when she desires to marry.
She doesn’t seem to appreciate that people need to date and plan for marriage and the days after.
There was a certain time she got upset over something I knew nothing about. I tried but she wouldn’t tell me the cause of her anger. I thought she was fed up of the relationship so I sent her an sms telling her that since she can’t tell me what her problems were and has decided to keep to herself, I was freeing her of all obligations to the relationship so she can try someone else.
I told her it would give her the opportunity of understanding herself better. She called immediately she got the message to declare her acceptance of my proposal.
After a month without calling each other, she called and we continued from where we stopped. After sometime, she told me her friend informed her, that I told my friend I have a girlfriend somewhere I intend to marry. To be honest, I never discussed such a thing with any friend of mine. I immediately knew she believed the story because friend mentioned is more like a brother to me who knows so much about me.
Agatha, she has started again with her marriage talk. I expressed my discomfort with it.
Recently she told me she would accept another man into her life if he is right for her.
She hurt by this and I asked her how she would feel if I am the one saying such a thing to her. She didn’t answer but apologised. In my opinion, it seems she is just keeping the relationship until she finds her so-called “right person”.
We have been talking, but I don’t want to be an obstacle to her since she sounds very desperate and I don’t want any pressure from her about getting married when I’m not ready for it.
I have been thinking and have decided to tell her to move on. I thought I could make up for her patience and support for the five years I was away but she is bent on me getting married at all cost. Her deadline isn’t just right for me.
I have talked to her and I do honestly love her very much just as I know she loves me. But her passion for marriage is threatening to tear the wonderful relationship we built for the past seven years. I really do need your help on how to handle this situation because it is tearing me apart.
Concerned Friend.
Dear Concerned Friend,
There is knot true love cannot untangle in a relationship. As long as both of you are ready to shift grounds, arrive at a workable compromise, there will always be a way out for both of you.
You are having all these tensions because none of you is willing to move an inch. Both of you are rigid in ensuring only your way is the right one.
Relationship doesn’t work out like that. If you are fair to her, she has been the one making all the sacrifices for the survival of this relationship. You must also make the effort to see things from her angle. She has never hidden her passion for weddings from you. If you knew you weren’t ready for immediate marriage, you should not have bothered sleeping with her. Doing so meant you were ready to marry as soon as possible. For her kind of person, it meant you were ready for the final step, which was why she held back when she felt you were not in a position to marry her at the time you first demanded for it.
From your own account, she waited for you while you were out of the country. Not many women would keep their virginity for a man they are not sure would come back to marry them. That she kept herself for you, even when you doubted her claim shows a woman properly brought up well and who has very deep feelings and respect for you.
That you meet her intact underscores her values as a woman. I am sure, while there you had one or two flings.
A lot must have gone into keeping her promises to you. Granted, her current attitude can be very frustrating and annoying, both of you need to go beyond you telling each other what you want, to what would work. She needs marriage urgently while you want it in five years time.
Your challenge is simple as long as you both have the maturity to overcome the stalemate you have both imported into your lives. And the earlier you faced this personality defects in your natures the better for the relationship.
From what is happening, you both have the same attitude to life, having things done your way. Despite being together for seven years, your relationship is still wrapped in egoism. No relationship survives if a couple is unable to make the essential sacrifice for the sake of the other person.
If there is a will, there is nothing stopping you from changing your plans a little to accommodate hers. Both of you can marry but not have children immediately to enable the other plans have proper roots. No plan is unalterable.
Frankly, this is a true test of your compartibility as a couple, your individual ability to go the extra mile for the other person to be happy. One thing is to be in love another challenge is to have the maturity and right attitude to make it work.
Situations like this will always come up from time to time in your relationship even after you get married. Unless you find the right key to unlock gridlocks like this, early in the life of a relationship, it often gets to a point when it becomes almost impossible for this kind of differences to be resolved. This is because selfish tendencies not addressed early in the life of a relationship soon become like a dreadful cancer eating at the life giving values of the union.
Even if both of you part, if you don’t individually work on this aspect of your natures, finding a person to live or accommodate either of you may not be easy. Relationship is about living your life in the body of another person, until both of you make the other person’s passion yours, nothing would work.
Try putting yourself in her shoes, in five years time how old would she be? What if you decide not to marry her or suddenly realises that you still have certain things to accomplish before marriage and want more time, what would have been her gains? Like women before her, is scared of the unknown; isn’t another woman wouldn’t get pregnant for you and you would have no choice but to marry her.
If she is anxious, she needs your assurances and one of the ways is to shift grounds a little bit for her.
Another mistake you are making is refusing to hear what her real fears are. Yes, you have been honest enough to tell her about your plans but what about encouraging her to share her real fears with you?
The missing link is trust. Insisting you have things done your way cannot earn her trust. Once you are able to earn her trust, a lot of the tension you feel now from her pressures will disappear.
Good luck.
Dear Agatha,
I’m an ardent reader of your column and I must say you have touched and saved lots of relationships through your work. I pray God bless you real good.
I have a girl I have been dating since high school. I’m 25 years of age while she is 22. Right from the beginning she has always nurtured this passion for wedding ceremonies. She practically attends all wedding ceremonies in her church because it makes her happy.
After high school, I left the country to study abroad. In fairness to her, she remained good and there for me. Our communication remained efficient. December 2009 was the first time of my coming back to Nigeria since I left.
Back in school she told me she was a virgin. Deep in me, I didn’t believe and anytime I tried making love to her, she would allow me touch her, but sex she won’t allow. I couldn’t force her, but when I returned to the country after two years of being away she allowed me. I was shocked to discover she was still a virgin. I’m in my final year now and hoping to further my studies. I know she misses me so much and I do too. I miss my family so much too.
By God’s grace, I should be through by next year and return home.
The problem now, in the few months, whenever we are talking on the phone, she would bring up the issue of marriage. At first, I told her I wish to have her as my wife but right now, there are things I need to achieve before settling down. I told her everything without holding back anything from her. I won’t be ready until about four or five years from now. She told me she wants to get married before she turns 25.
I know it’s the dream of everywoman to get married and start her own family, but she is making it appear as if husbands are on sales in the shop and that a woman simply walks in there to buy one when she desires to marry.
She doesn’t seem to appreciate that people need to date and plan for marriage and the days after.
There was a certain time she got upset over something I knew nothing about. I tried but she wouldn’t tell me the cause of her anger. I thought she was fed up of the relationship so I sent her an sms telling her that since she can’t tell me what her problems were and has decided to keep to herself, I was freeing her of all obligations to the relationship so she can try someone else.
I told her it would give her the opportunity of understanding herself better. She called immediately she got the message to declare her acceptance of my proposal.
After a month without calling each other, she called and we continued from where we stopped. After sometime, she told me her friend informed her, that I told my friend I have a girlfriend somewhere I intend to marry. To be honest, I never discussed such a thing with any friend of mine. I immediately knew she believed the story because friend mentioned is more like a brother to me who knows so much about me.
Agatha, she has started again with her marriage talk. I expressed my discomfort with it.
Recently she told me she would accept another man into her life if he is right for her.
She hurt by this and I asked her how she would feel if I am the one saying such a thing to her. She didn’t answer but apologised. In my opinion, it seems she is just keeping the relationship until she finds her so-called “right person”.
We have been talking, but I don’t want to be an obstacle to her since she sounds very desperate and I don’t want any pressure from her about getting married when I’m not ready for it.
I have been thinking and have decided to tell her to move on. I thought I could make up for her patience and support for the five years I was away but she is bent on me getting married at all cost. Her deadline isn’t just right for me.
I have talked to her and I do honestly love her very much just as I know she loves me. But her passion for marriage is threatening to tear the wonderful relationship we built for the past seven years. I really do need your help on how to handle this situation because it is tearing me apart.
Concerned Friend.
Dear Concerned Friend,
There is knot true love cannot untangle in a relationship. As long as both of you are ready to shift grounds, arrive at a workable compromise, there will always be a way out for both of you.
You are having all these tensions because none of you is willing to move an inch. Both of you are rigid in ensuring only your way is the right one.
Relationship doesn’t work out like that. If you are fair to her, she has been the one making all the sacrifices for the survival of this relationship. You must also make the effort to see things from her angle. She has never hidden her passion for weddings from you. If you knew you weren’t ready for immediate marriage, you should not have bothered sleeping with her. Doing so meant you were ready to marry as soon as possible. For her kind of person, it meant you were ready for the final step, which was why she held back when she felt you were not in a position to marry her at the time you first demanded for it.
From your own account, she waited for you while you were out of the country. Not many women would keep their virginity for a man they are not sure would come back to marry them. That she kept herself for you, even when you doubted her claim shows a woman properly brought up well and who has very deep feelings and respect for you.
That you meet her intact underscores her values as a woman. I am sure, while there you had one or two flings.
A lot must have gone into keeping her promises to you. Granted, her current attitude can be very frustrating and annoying, both of you need to go beyond you telling each other what you want, to what would work. She needs marriage urgently while you want it in five years time.
Your challenge is simple as long as you both have the maturity to overcome the stalemate you have both imported into your lives. And the earlier you faced this personality defects in your natures the better for the relationship.
From what is happening, you both have the same attitude to life, having things done your way. Despite being together for seven years, your relationship is still wrapped in egoism. No relationship survives if a couple is unable to make the essential sacrifice for the sake of the other person.
If there is a will, there is nothing stopping you from changing your plans a little to accommodate hers. Both of you can marry but not have children immediately to enable the other plans have proper roots. No plan is unalterable.
Frankly, this is a true test of your compartibility as a couple, your individual ability to go the extra mile for the other person to be happy. One thing is to be in love another challenge is to have the maturity and right attitude to make it work.
Situations like this will always come up from time to time in your relationship even after you get married. Unless you find the right key to unlock gridlocks like this, early in the life of a relationship, it often gets to a point when it becomes almost impossible for this kind of differences to be resolved. This is because selfish tendencies not addressed early in the life of a relationship soon become like a dreadful cancer eating at the life giving values of the union.
Even if both of you part, if you don’t individually work on this aspect of your natures, finding a person to live or accommodate either of you may not be easy. Relationship is about living your life in the body of another person, until both of you make the other person’s passion yours, nothing would work.
Try putting yourself in her shoes, in five years time how old would she be? What if you decide not to marry her or suddenly realises that you still have certain things to accomplish before marriage and want more time, what would have been her gains? Like women before her, is scared of the unknown; isn’t another woman wouldn’t get pregnant for you and you would have no choice but to marry her.
If she is anxious, she needs your assurances and one of the ways is to shift grounds a little bit for her.
Another mistake you are making is refusing to hear what her real fears are. Yes, you have been honest enough to tell her about your plans but what about encouraging her to share her real fears with you?
The missing link is trust. Insisting you have things done your way cannot earn her trust. Once you are able to earn her trust, a lot of the tension you feel now from her pressures will disappear.
Good luck.
Arranged marriage: My daughter won’t toe the line
With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626
Dear Agatha, How do I persuade my daughter to marry the man her father wants her to marry? She wants to marry the man she has been dating since her first year at the university while her father wants her to marry the son of his best friend. She is 29 and as stubborn as her father. Even though I am forced by situation to support my husband on this, I want my daughter to be happy. Like my husband, I am of the view that it is in her interest she marries the son of a friend than a total stranger. Both of them grew up together as friends and this is why the two families feel they would make an ideal couple. She, on the other hand, says it is either we allow her marry her choice of a husband or she would remain single. We have been on this issue since last year and it is causing so much tension in my home. I am also getting irritated with my daughter over this issue. There is nothing I haven’t done or said to make her change her mind. Already the father is blaming me for her attitude. He says if I don’t convince her to marry this boy, my daughter and I should pack out of the house. I don’t know what to do again as both of them are very stubborn. Although the boy she wants to marry isn’t doing bad, but the issue is that the son of my husband’s friend is well established and very gentle. He is very capable of looking after our daughter besides the fact that their marriage will solidify the relationship we have built for several decades. What do I do to make my daughter listen to me? Mrs.
Ibe.
Dear Mrs. Ibe, As a woman, how would you feel if you were being forced against your will to spend the rest of your life with a man you feel nothing for? This has nothing to do with your daughter being stubborn but has a lot to do with what she feels and how she has planned her life. The fact that you and your husband are her parents does not give you both the right to govern her life. She is old enough to know what she wants from life. Our jobs as parents is to help point our in the right direction. Even God recognises our inherent right to our personnal decision, which is why He gave us the freewill to make choice. There is no greater teacher like experience. Even if you think her choice is all wrong for her, there is no way she can be convinced of this if you don’t allow her to make her mistake. I am sure, your present insight into whatever you think is wrong with her choice is borne out of experience. Without it, none of us would ever grow or acquire the kind of wisdom needed to make the world a better place. If there is one thing we cannot do for our children, no matter how much we love them, is to live with them in their marriages. There is no way you and your husband can abandon your own marriage to be with your daughter all the time just as you won’t sleep well in your bed if the only reports you get from her are woes and pains. Beyond this, there is also the danger of her going outside her home to be with the man she really loves and respects. How would you feel if your daughter is caught in adultery? You should know from experience that women seldom respect or make sacrifices for the men they don’t like, let alone love. Your marriage is still on because somewhere in your heart and memory you remember how your early days were, how you thought the world began and ended with your husband. These feelings never go away and are of tremendous help when disappointments and regrets come up in the journey of marriage. It is the power of these feelings that make the woman go extra mile, endure when the man misbehaves, understands with him when things are not working at all. A certain amount of feelings must be involved on your daughter’s part to enable her remember to give her man the kind of respect he deserves at all times. These are things you cannot force or decree her to feel. She has to learn to grow them on her own. Besides, there is nothing stopping her from deliberately working towards the failure of the marriage, if at the end of the day you succeed in getting her to marry this man her father has chosen for her. She could, to make a point, agree to marry him and make life very unbearable for him to punish you and your husband as well as earn her freedom to do what she wants with her life. More often than not, when children are forced into doing things they don’t want to do; make decisions they have nothing to do with, the parents are usually the ones that have the headaches at the end of the day. You are the mother and wife to both of them. Your best approach is not to take sides with either of them. Insist on fairness to prevent more headaches in the future. There is no way you will be able to rest in peace knowing that your daughter’s happiness was sold for sentimental values your husband feels about keeping a friendship that has nothing to do with your daughter. At the end of the day, what would be your gain if this friendship is preserved and your daughter unable to find the right kind of happiness every woman craves for in her marriage? How would you feel if she never forgives you for being party to her endless stories of marital woes? Do you realise that you are in danger of losing the respect, trust, and friendship mothers look forward to when their daughters grow up and have families of their own? How would you feel if you have to beg her to bring your grandchildren when ordinarily you should be the one they tilt towards to and want to be with? No matter how difficult your husband is, having lived with him all these years, you must have the antidote to soften him. It is time for his sake as well as yours to make him see reason. Let him know, no relationship is worth his daughter’s happiness; that if the relationship is strong, founded on the right values, it doesn’t need the sacrifice of the happiness of these two innocent children to survive. In trying to make your husband realise the implication of his demands, ask him, how would he feel if his daughter ends up being miserable in her marriage? If she is unable to forgive him or give him the kind of respect, he deserves from her as the father? Explain to him the possibility of her having extramarital affairs. He may not understand that women too have feelings but hearing it from you that love is what makes a woman remain faithful to her man may make him have second thoughts on this issue. If he fails to listen to you, make it clear to him that you are not going to be party to his plans to mortgage the happiness of your daughter. He may be stubborn about it because he knows you are on his side. Once he knows he no longer has your full support, he would think twice because inspite of his display of stubborness he knows he cannot cope with the implication of his actions when it comes full circle. Don’t relent in being the go between father and daughter. Use whatever you have as a woman and his wife to go insure your daughter’s happiness. As a mother, you should never be too tired of ensuring that your children are happy no matter their age and position. If you have to go on your knees on behalf of your daughter, do so. What should be of major concern to you is her happiness at the end of the day. Thereafter, arrange for your daughter to bring the man home to meet with your husband. Ensure you prepare your daughter and the man, give him tips on the kind of things to say, do or gifts to soften his mind. Back up your efforts with prayers. It is important for the unity of your home as nobody goes to bed with fire on the roof. Good luck.
Dear Agatha, How do I persuade my daughter to marry the man her father wants her to marry? She wants to marry the man she has been dating since her first year at the university while her father wants her to marry the son of his best friend. She is 29 and as stubborn as her father. Even though I am forced by situation to support my husband on this, I want my daughter to be happy. Like my husband, I am of the view that it is in her interest she marries the son of a friend than a total stranger. Both of them grew up together as friends and this is why the two families feel they would make an ideal couple. She, on the other hand, says it is either we allow her marry her choice of a husband or she would remain single. We have been on this issue since last year and it is causing so much tension in my home. I am also getting irritated with my daughter over this issue. There is nothing I haven’t done or said to make her change her mind. Already the father is blaming me for her attitude. He says if I don’t convince her to marry this boy, my daughter and I should pack out of the house. I don’t know what to do again as both of them are very stubborn. Although the boy she wants to marry isn’t doing bad, but the issue is that the son of my husband’s friend is well established and very gentle. He is very capable of looking after our daughter besides the fact that their marriage will solidify the relationship we have built for several decades. What do I do to make my daughter listen to me? Mrs.
Ibe.
Dear Mrs. Ibe, As a woman, how would you feel if you were being forced against your will to spend the rest of your life with a man you feel nothing for? This has nothing to do with your daughter being stubborn but has a lot to do with what she feels and how she has planned her life. The fact that you and your husband are her parents does not give you both the right to govern her life. She is old enough to know what she wants from life. Our jobs as parents is to help point our in the right direction. Even God recognises our inherent right to our personnal decision, which is why He gave us the freewill to make choice. There is no greater teacher like experience. Even if you think her choice is all wrong for her, there is no way she can be convinced of this if you don’t allow her to make her mistake. I am sure, your present insight into whatever you think is wrong with her choice is borne out of experience. Without it, none of us would ever grow or acquire the kind of wisdom needed to make the world a better place. If there is one thing we cannot do for our children, no matter how much we love them, is to live with them in their marriages. There is no way you and your husband can abandon your own marriage to be with your daughter all the time just as you won’t sleep well in your bed if the only reports you get from her are woes and pains. Beyond this, there is also the danger of her going outside her home to be with the man she really loves and respects. How would you feel if your daughter is caught in adultery? You should know from experience that women seldom respect or make sacrifices for the men they don’t like, let alone love. Your marriage is still on because somewhere in your heart and memory you remember how your early days were, how you thought the world began and ended with your husband. These feelings never go away and are of tremendous help when disappointments and regrets come up in the journey of marriage. It is the power of these feelings that make the woman go extra mile, endure when the man misbehaves, understands with him when things are not working at all. A certain amount of feelings must be involved on your daughter’s part to enable her remember to give her man the kind of respect he deserves at all times. These are things you cannot force or decree her to feel. She has to learn to grow them on her own. Besides, there is nothing stopping her from deliberately working towards the failure of the marriage, if at the end of the day you succeed in getting her to marry this man her father has chosen for her. She could, to make a point, agree to marry him and make life very unbearable for him to punish you and your husband as well as earn her freedom to do what she wants with her life. More often than not, when children are forced into doing things they don’t want to do; make decisions they have nothing to do with, the parents are usually the ones that have the headaches at the end of the day. You are the mother and wife to both of them. Your best approach is not to take sides with either of them. Insist on fairness to prevent more headaches in the future. There is no way you will be able to rest in peace knowing that your daughter’s happiness was sold for sentimental values your husband feels about keeping a friendship that has nothing to do with your daughter. At the end of the day, what would be your gain if this friendship is preserved and your daughter unable to find the right kind of happiness every woman craves for in her marriage? How would you feel if she never forgives you for being party to her endless stories of marital woes? Do you realise that you are in danger of losing the respect, trust, and friendship mothers look forward to when their daughters grow up and have families of their own? How would you feel if you have to beg her to bring your grandchildren when ordinarily you should be the one they tilt towards to and want to be with? No matter how difficult your husband is, having lived with him all these years, you must have the antidote to soften him. It is time for his sake as well as yours to make him see reason. Let him know, no relationship is worth his daughter’s happiness; that if the relationship is strong, founded on the right values, it doesn’t need the sacrifice of the happiness of these two innocent children to survive. In trying to make your husband realise the implication of his demands, ask him, how would he feel if his daughter ends up being miserable in her marriage? If she is unable to forgive him or give him the kind of respect, he deserves from her as the father? Explain to him the possibility of her having extramarital affairs. He may not understand that women too have feelings but hearing it from you that love is what makes a woman remain faithful to her man may make him have second thoughts on this issue. If he fails to listen to you, make it clear to him that you are not going to be party to his plans to mortgage the happiness of your daughter. He may be stubborn about it because he knows you are on his side. Once he knows he no longer has your full support, he would think twice because inspite of his display of stubborness he knows he cannot cope with the implication of his actions when it comes full circle. Don’t relent in being the go between father and daughter. Use whatever you have as a woman and his wife to go insure your daughter’s happiness. As a mother, you should never be too tired of ensuring that your children are happy no matter their age and position. If you have to go on your knees on behalf of your daughter, do so. What should be of major concern to you is her happiness at the end of the day. Thereafter, arrange for your daughter to bring the man home to meet with your husband. Ensure you prepare your daughter and the man, give him tips on the kind of things to say, do or gifts to soften his mind. Back up your efforts with prayers. It is important for the unity of your home as nobody goes to bed with fire on the roof. Good luck.
He doesn’t want me again…
With Auntie Agatha,gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.comTel: 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
Four years ago, I wrote to you about the problem I was going through in my marriage. I shared with you how my husband got our maid pregnant and how he blamed the act on my not always being around.
In your reply to my mail, you equally blamed me for the incident in my home. Your reply really got me very angry. I thought, as a woman too, you should support me like most of my friends were doing at that time. My mother too didn’t support me then. She, like you, also said I pushed my husband into the arms of our maid.
I was very angry with her too and refused to listen to what both of you said about my not quitting my home for the housemaid.
Since I had more than enough money of my own, I packed out of the house with my children. My two eldest children, who were in boarding school, refused to move with me, so I left with the younger ones.
Initially, I enjoyed the freedom to go and come, as I liked. I could stay in the office for as long as I wanted. It was very easy for me since I decided to send the children to boarding school too. My experience with my housemaid prompted my decision to put them in boarding school so I won’t have any need to employ someone to help me with them.
During this time, my husband and his entire family came to beg me to come back. There was nothing they didn’t do to make me change my mind. My mother and her sisters too came to beg me. My mother even volunteered to take care of the child herself. I refused.
Even when she gave birth, the lady came to beg me to please come back home to my husband; that she didn’t want anything to do with my home. Her parents too came to beg but I drove all of them away.
My friends kept urging me not to go back. Two of these friends were divorcees, while three were single mothers. We had enough time to go out for two years my husband kept on begging me. My children too wanted me back but I told them it was over between their father and I. He stopped coming to my house when he met a man I was dating in the house.
A month after that incident, I filed for a divorce. My husband didn’t bother to contest it. I was free to marry my lover as he has expressed a desire for it.
Unfortunately, the moment I became free to remarry, I noticed he didn’t want me anymore. He kept coming up with one excuse or the other anytime I expressed the need for us to move on.
It was not until one day when a woman came to my office to fight me for keeping her man away from her, that I realised he lied about being divorced.
In the last one year, I have discovered that I really want to go back to my husband having discovered what you said then in your advice to me that all men are the same and that I should stay put in my home.
All the things you said back then about being patient, creating time for my family and taking the child over as my own and doing everything to win back my husband are all coming back to me. Last month, I went to his office to see me. At least he was civil enough to let me in but from the looks on his face, I knew my mission to beg him to take me back was doomed.
Nobody in my family or his is ready to go with me to beg. His best friend declined to go with me reminding me of how I drove them all away when they came.
From my children, I know there is nobody in his life and that my former housemaid hasn’t come back to the house since I left. More investigations reveal that the girl is back in the village with her child. My husband only sends money for their upkeep.
I now realise that my friends actually misled me and all I want is to go back to my husband. I have since forgiven him.
Agatha, help me. He is a great fan of yours.
Abbey.
Dear Abbey,
There is an adage that says, the mess you refuse to clean up in the beginning soon becomes so huge and too messy for one person to handle. It is unfortunately that you allowed an issue you should have long buried to tarry to this moment. You frittered the rare opportunity you had of becoming the heroine in the eyes of your husband, his family and friends.
Honestly, not everyman would do what he did, come to beg even when it was your carelessness that gave birth to the situation in the first place. Another man would have called your bluff the moment the other woman’s pregnancy became public knowledge. He would insist on marrying her whether you liked the idea or not.
If everybody were misleading you, would your mother also have misled you? She, more than anyone else, had reasons to ask you to pack up the marriage but she didn’t because she knows from experience that the pains of disppointment lessens as each day goes bye.
She also knew that there is no marriage without its set of challenges and disappointments. That was why you should have applied patience and wisdom in your handling of the issue.
Frankly, if your husband refuses to take you back, nobody would blame him. He did everything he should have done to bring you back home. It couldn’t have been easy for him getting his family and yours to come and beg on his behalf. It showed a man who knew he had wronged you.
The divorce and meeting the other man in your place while he was still begging you to come back to him are now the twin problems that could make your bid to come back difficult.
Besides, would you have considered coming back to him if everything had gone well between you and the other man? Before going back to plead with your husband, you must find answer to this question. Like you have information about him, he too may know what transpired between you and your lover. And would rightly wonder if you are coming back because you have realised your mistake or because you were left high and dry by the other man.
He isn’t the only one you would be explaining this to. You must tell everybody you hope to enlist in your bid to come back to your home the truth.
Beyond the issue of enlisting people to plead on your behalf, you must take certain steps on your own to convince him that you are indeed sorry for your behaviour.
It is also important you understand that you are no longer his wife. You are now just the mother of his children like the other lady is. Granted you were once married to him, the divorce you got has neutralised whatever rights you think you had over him.
Therefore, if he decides to walk you away from his home, don’t insist on anything or try to claim a right you no longer have. Simply walk away, but keep pleading with him through text messages.
Another thing you should do as a matter of urgency is to find your former maid and her child. Make your peace with them and if you have the time, encourage her to bring the child to you while your children are on holidays. Even if your husband refuses to listen ensure you are involved in the life of that child. Send monthly allowances to them as a token for their upkeep and if there is anything you can to make them more comfortable please do it. The village can’t really be a good alternative for her.
Besides, the reason she came to work for you is to enhance her life as well as that of her family. Seeing her in the village with your stepchild will never make her family happy. If you bring her back to help her give more meaning to her life, you will not only be saving your children from future stress of bad blood that would arise from this kind of arrangment but ensuring this whole episode is finally put behind you.
No matter how hardhearted your husband is about you, once he sees your attempt to undo all the wrongs of the past, overtime he would warm up to the idea of hearing from you.
The fact that he refused to bring her home or any other woman for that matter shows that his feelings for you are really deep. Not many men would still be single for years after especially as you both divorced.
Beg your children to plead on your behalf, especially the eldest ones that stayed back with him. They cannot be happy seeing both of you living apart. Children have greater influence on their fathers than mothers.
I am sure if you dig deep into your knowledge of him, you will remember something he adores absolutely about you. Something he cannot resist that makes him go soft even when he is angry. This is the time you need that weapon to get him to at least grant you an audience.
Above all, go to God in prayers. Plead for His assistance in this matter. We are all prodigals before God. He has the powers to soften the heart of your husband. Ensure you begin your attempt with Him in it.
In addition to making your peace with God, go around your in-laws and family members to make peace with them. It is important your mother and mother-in-law forgive you.
Good luck.
Dear Agatha,
Four years ago, I wrote to you about the problem I was going through in my marriage. I shared with you how my husband got our maid pregnant and how he blamed the act on my not always being around.
In your reply to my mail, you equally blamed me for the incident in my home. Your reply really got me very angry. I thought, as a woman too, you should support me like most of my friends were doing at that time. My mother too didn’t support me then. She, like you, also said I pushed my husband into the arms of our maid.
I was very angry with her too and refused to listen to what both of you said about my not quitting my home for the housemaid.
Since I had more than enough money of my own, I packed out of the house with my children. My two eldest children, who were in boarding school, refused to move with me, so I left with the younger ones.
Initially, I enjoyed the freedom to go and come, as I liked. I could stay in the office for as long as I wanted. It was very easy for me since I decided to send the children to boarding school too. My experience with my housemaid prompted my decision to put them in boarding school so I won’t have any need to employ someone to help me with them.
During this time, my husband and his entire family came to beg me to come back. There was nothing they didn’t do to make me change my mind. My mother and her sisters too came to beg me. My mother even volunteered to take care of the child herself. I refused.
Even when she gave birth, the lady came to beg me to please come back home to my husband; that she didn’t want anything to do with my home. Her parents too came to beg but I drove all of them away.
My friends kept urging me not to go back. Two of these friends were divorcees, while three were single mothers. We had enough time to go out for two years my husband kept on begging me. My children too wanted me back but I told them it was over between their father and I. He stopped coming to my house when he met a man I was dating in the house.
A month after that incident, I filed for a divorce. My husband didn’t bother to contest it. I was free to marry my lover as he has expressed a desire for it.
Unfortunately, the moment I became free to remarry, I noticed he didn’t want me anymore. He kept coming up with one excuse or the other anytime I expressed the need for us to move on.
It was not until one day when a woman came to my office to fight me for keeping her man away from her, that I realised he lied about being divorced.
In the last one year, I have discovered that I really want to go back to my husband having discovered what you said then in your advice to me that all men are the same and that I should stay put in my home.
All the things you said back then about being patient, creating time for my family and taking the child over as my own and doing everything to win back my husband are all coming back to me. Last month, I went to his office to see me. At least he was civil enough to let me in but from the looks on his face, I knew my mission to beg him to take me back was doomed.
Nobody in my family or his is ready to go with me to beg. His best friend declined to go with me reminding me of how I drove them all away when they came.
From my children, I know there is nobody in his life and that my former housemaid hasn’t come back to the house since I left. More investigations reveal that the girl is back in the village with her child. My husband only sends money for their upkeep.
I now realise that my friends actually misled me and all I want is to go back to my husband. I have since forgiven him.
Agatha, help me. He is a great fan of yours.
Abbey.
Dear Abbey,
There is an adage that says, the mess you refuse to clean up in the beginning soon becomes so huge and too messy for one person to handle. It is unfortunately that you allowed an issue you should have long buried to tarry to this moment. You frittered the rare opportunity you had of becoming the heroine in the eyes of your husband, his family and friends.
Honestly, not everyman would do what he did, come to beg even when it was your carelessness that gave birth to the situation in the first place. Another man would have called your bluff the moment the other woman’s pregnancy became public knowledge. He would insist on marrying her whether you liked the idea or not.
If everybody were misleading you, would your mother also have misled you? She, more than anyone else, had reasons to ask you to pack up the marriage but she didn’t because she knows from experience that the pains of disppointment lessens as each day goes bye.
She also knew that there is no marriage without its set of challenges and disappointments. That was why you should have applied patience and wisdom in your handling of the issue.
Frankly, if your husband refuses to take you back, nobody would blame him. He did everything he should have done to bring you back home. It couldn’t have been easy for him getting his family and yours to come and beg on his behalf. It showed a man who knew he had wronged you.
The divorce and meeting the other man in your place while he was still begging you to come back to him are now the twin problems that could make your bid to come back difficult.
Besides, would you have considered coming back to him if everything had gone well between you and the other man? Before going back to plead with your husband, you must find answer to this question. Like you have information about him, he too may know what transpired between you and your lover. And would rightly wonder if you are coming back because you have realised your mistake or because you were left high and dry by the other man.
He isn’t the only one you would be explaining this to. You must tell everybody you hope to enlist in your bid to come back to your home the truth.
Beyond the issue of enlisting people to plead on your behalf, you must take certain steps on your own to convince him that you are indeed sorry for your behaviour.
It is also important you understand that you are no longer his wife. You are now just the mother of his children like the other lady is. Granted you were once married to him, the divorce you got has neutralised whatever rights you think you had over him.
Therefore, if he decides to walk you away from his home, don’t insist on anything or try to claim a right you no longer have. Simply walk away, but keep pleading with him through text messages.
Another thing you should do as a matter of urgency is to find your former maid and her child. Make your peace with them and if you have the time, encourage her to bring the child to you while your children are on holidays. Even if your husband refuses to listen ensure you are involved in the life of that child. Send monthly allowances to them as a token for their upkeep and if there is anything you can to make them more comfortable please do it. The village can’t really be a good alternative for her.
Besides, the reason she came to work for you is to enhance her life as well as that of her family. Seeing her in the village with your stepchild will never make her family happy. If you bring her back to help her give more meaning to her life, you will not only be saving your children from future stress of bad blood that would arise from this kind of arrangment but ensuring this whole episode is finally put behind you.
No matter how hardhearted your husband is about you, once he sees your attempt to undo all the wrongs of the past, overtime he would warm up to the idea of hearing from you.
The fact that he refused to bring her home or any other woman for that matter shows that his feelings for you are really deep. Not many men would still be single for years after especially as you both divorced.
Beg your children to plead on your behalf, especially the eldest ones that stayed back with him. They cannot be happy seeing both of you living apart. Children have greater influence on their fathers than mothers.
I am sure if you dig deep into your knowledge of him, you will remember something he adores absolutely about you. Something he cannot resist that makes him go soft even when he is angry. This is the time you need that weapon to get him to at least grant you an audience.
Above all, go to God in prayers. Plead for His assistance in this matter. We are all prodigals before God. He has the powers to soften the heart of your husband. Ensure you begin your attempt with Him in it.
In addition to making your peace with God, go around your in-laws and family members to make peace with them. It is important your mother and mother-in-law forgive you.
Good luck.
My husband is sexually inactive
With Agatha Edo Email:womaneditor@independentngonline.com, gataedo@yahoo.com or agatha.edo@gmail.com , 08054500626
Dear Agatha, I am really ashamed to say this but if I don’t get urgent help, I may not be able to sustain my marriage beyond this point. I really don’t care what your readers would say about what I am about to share with you but I am sure a lot of women in my shoes who want to be honest would understand this particular issue. I have been married for five years and my marriage is blessed with two children. I have always been a serious Christian; never attempted anything until I got married. I wanted to be a good and honourable wife to my husband. I didn’t listen to the opinion of a lot of my friends who asked this question that I am now asking myself: ‘what happens if the man you are preserving yourself for ends up incompetent in bed? What if he is unable to make you happy as a woman?’ Would you leave him or endure the marriage simply because you want to do the right thing? Back then, I thought my friends were trying to bend my ways to follow their lifestyle. But, observing all of them today, happy with their husbands, having the best of what marriage offers, I cannot but ask myself this important question, ‘why am I, who held on till my wedding night, who wanted to do the right thing, having problems in my marriage?’ Even though I was naïve back then, when it came to actual experience, I was broadminded enough to accommodate everybody, knowing we were all built differently. When my husband approached me for a relationship, being the most handsome in school then, I was happy. Overnight, I became something of a celebrity among the many ladies who wanted him but I noticed this particular group of girls who made what my friends and I thought were jealous moves. One of them tried warning me to be careful; to look deeper before committing myself to marrying my husband. I dismissed her. Being from a very rich family, money wasn’t his problem. We got married immediately I finished my national youth service. Being inexperienced, our first night together was a total disaster. It didn’t bother me though because I thought it was meant to be like that. Besides, I didn’t notice the size of his manhood or thought it was abnormally tiny. There was nothing in that experience with him. But over the months, I knew something wasn’t right about our love life. He was always so clumsy. We didn’t get past the stage we started with on our wedding night. I was beginning to get worried when I discovered I was pregnant. Throughout my pregnancy, he didn’t bother to come near me even when I told him what the doctor recommended about frequent intimacy. Being pregnant with twins, I was told it would aid easy delivery during labour. My body was beginning to demand for intimacy and I told him so. When my pressures became too much for him, he abandoned our bedroom. On the few occasions he has agreed to sleep with me, the results were not different from our first time together. I have honestly tried everything, including your advice to others on this same issue but my husband isn’t helping matters. He is resolute in his own way and is refusing all the help I am willing to offer him on this issue. Now, he says I married him because of his father’s money; drinks and refuses to come home early. Severally, I have been tempted into having an affair but I know I just can’t. With the help of my friend, I got introduced to a vibrator. It has helped me to maintain sanity in my life and prevented me from doing what I shouldn’t do. One night, he came into my bedroom and found the vibrator, since then, he has not stopped calling me names. He says as a good wife, I should be satisfied with the package I have. I have really tried to keep my sanity in the last five years. I told my parents about the problems I was having in my marriage. They are of the view that if I can’t cope with the situation again, I should file for a divorce instead of having any affair outside my matrimonial home. Our pastor on the other hand says marriage is a lifetime commitment. My husband’s father, who is like a father to me, has tried to convince his son to seek medical help. He even offered to pay for plastic surgery to help enhance his manhood but nothing anybody says makes sense to him. As far as he is concerned, his twins are enough fulfillment. I am really fed up of the whole thing. I am in urgent need of your help in this matter.
Helen.
Dear Helen, I honestly sympathise with you but a lot of things went wrong before you both got married. Whatever issue you are currently having has to do with your inability to establish friendship with him before you agreed to marry him. You were carried away by your luck at having such a handsome man, the toast of women, come for your hand in marriage. More often than not, women end up having problems in their marriages for failing to go that extra mile when courting. A woman doesn’t have to be experienced to know those little things to look out for in a man she intends spending the rest of her life with. At the time you were dating, you must have noticed some of these flaws in his character. He didn’t just develop them; he must have displayed some of his selfish and arrogant disposition back then. If you are truthful, you both were never friends, the kind that shared thoughts, dreams, exchanged jokes or laughed with or at each other. This kind of challenge you have in your marriage can only be managed by two people who are friends, understand the need of the other person and by a man who is willing to submit to the helpful suggestions of his wife. That he has a small manhood isn’t the issue here at all rather, the real challenge you are facing has to do with your man’s attitude. Even if he agrees to plastic surgery aimed at helping him get some inches added, if both of you are unable to establish true friendship, things will continue to degenerate between the two of you. Granted, quality sex is a key to being happy in marriage but it is only part of the whole picture of a fulfilling marriage. This is because you cannot spend all your time together making love. After lovemaking, life must continue. The time has come to sit your husband down for a real talk. Hear him out. Listen to his grudges against you. He may really feel he isn’t getting the kind of sympathy he expects from his wife. A man that has his kind of challenge needs a wife who understands because it is both an ego and psychological problem. Telling him everyday he isn’t satisfying you is enough to make him become rude, violent and irresponsible. He is reacting the only way he knows how due to the fear of losing you and exposing himself to the ridicule of everybody. Your parents ought to have told you that each marriage comes with its own baggage. His attitude is an appeal for help from the woman he married. Rather than nag him, gently get him to open up; especially his worst nightmare. Ask how you can be of help to him; the options he has considered before meeting you as well as the ones you think can help the situation. Let him realise that you are not as bothered about the size of his manhood as much as his attitude towards you and your feelings. Let him know you really care about him more than he knows. You must really show him that you care deeply for his well-being and about his happiness. The fact that you got pregnant and have a set of twins to show for it, shows that he is fertile. It is just a matter of both of you giving your imagination freedom to blossom. No matter the size of a man’s organ, the success or otherwise of lovemaking is more often premised on the kind of imagination a couple has. Divorce shouldn’t be your first option because there is no telling what challenges you would meet in another relationship. Learn to be patient, be more understanding and supportive of him; this is what marriage is all about. Challenges are compulsory part of marriage. They are designed to take a couple to the next level. Your vibrator isn’t a solution but a major distraction to the real steps you should take in getting lasting solution to your problem. By the time you change tactics, become more of his friend, who isn’t condemning, who has the real desire to help and has the maturity to take whatever comes out of it; he would change. Also you need to pray for help to change those things you don’t like about him as well as yourself.
Good luck.
Dear Agatha, I am really ashamed to say this but if I don’t get urgent help, I may not be able to sustain my marriage beyond this point. I really don’t care what your readers would say about what I am about to share with you but I am sure a lot of women in my shoes who want to be honest would understand this particular issue. I have been married for five years and my marriage is blessed with two children. I have always been a serious Christian; never attempted anything until I got married. I wanted to be a good and honourable wife to my husband. I didn’t listen to the opinion of a lot of my friends who asked this question that I am now asking myself: ‘what happens if the man you are preserving yourself for ends up incompetent in bed? What if he is unable to make you happy as a woman?’ Would you leave him or endure the marriage simply because you want to do the right thing? Back then, I thought my friends were trying to bend my ways to follow their lifestyle. But, observing all of them today, happy with their husbands, having the best of what marriage offers, I cannot but ask myself this important question, ‘why am I, who held on till my wedding night, who wanted to do the right thing, having problems in my marriage?’ Even though I was naïve back then, when it came to actual experience, I was broadminded enough to accommodate everybody, knowing we were all built differently. When my husband approached me for a relationship, being the most handsome in school then, I was happy. Overnight, I became something of a celebrity among the many ladies who wanted him but I noticed this particular group of girls who made what my friends and I thought were jealous moves. One of them tried warning me to be careful; to look deeper before committing myself to marrying my husband. I dismissed her. Being from a very rich family, money wasn’t his problem. We got married immediately I finished my national youth service. Being inexperienced, our first night together was a total disaster. It didn’t bother me though because I thought it was meant to be like that. Besides, I didn’t notice the size of his manhood or thought it was abnormally tiny. There was nothing in that experience with him. But over the months, I knew something wasn’t right about our love life. He was always so clumsy. We didn’t get past the stage we started with on our wedding night. I was beginning to get worried when I discovered I was pregnant. Throughout my pregnancy, he didn’t bother to come near me even when I told him what the doctor recommended about frequent intimacy. Being pregnant with twins, I was told it would aid easy delivery during labour. My body was beginning to demand for intimacy and I told him so. When my pressures became too much for him, he abandoned our bedroom. On the few occasions he has agreed to sleep with me, the results were not different from our first time together. I have honestly tried everything, including your advice to others on this same issue but my husband isn’t helping matters. He is resolute in his own way and is refusing all the help I am willing to offer him on this issue. Now, he says I married him because of his father’s money; drinks and refuses to come home early. Severally, I have been tempted into having an affair but I know I just can’t. With the help of my friend, I got introduced to a vibrator. It has helped me to maintain sanity in my life and prevented me from doing what I shouldn’t do. One night, he came into my bedroom and found the vibrator, since then, he has not stopped calling me names. He says as a good wife, I should be satisfied with the package I have. I have really tried to keep my sanity in the last five years. I told my parents about the problems I was having in my marriage. They are of the view that if I can’t cope with the situation again, I should file for a divorce instead of having any affair outside my matrimonial home. Our pastor on the other hand says marriage is a lifetime commitment. My husband’s father, who is like a father to me, has tried to convince his son to seek medical help. He even offered to pay for plastic surgery to help enhance his manhood but nothing anybody says makes sense to him. As far as he is concerned, his twins are enough fulfillment. I am really fed up of the whole thing. I am in urgent need of your help in this matter.
Helen.
Dear Helen, I honestly sympathise with you but a lot of things went wrong before you both got married. Whatever issue you are currently having has to do with your inability to establish friendship with him before you agreed to marry him. You were carried away by your luck at having such a handsome man, the toast of women, come for your hand in marriage. More often than not, women end up having problems in their marriages for failing to go that extra mile when courting. A woman doesn’t have to be experienced to know those little things to look out for in a man she intends spending the rest of her life with. At the time you were dating, you must have noticed some of these flaws in his character. He didn’t just develop them; he must have displayed some of his selfish and arrogant disposition back then. If you are truthful, you both were never friends, the kind that shared thoughts, dreams, exchanged jokes or laughed with or at each other. This kind of challenge you have in your marriage can only be managed by two people who are friends, understand the need of the other person and by a man who is willing to submit to the helpful suggestions of his wife. That he has a small manhood isn’t the issue here at all rather, the real challenge you are facing has to do with your man’s attitude. Even if he agrees to plastic surgery aimed at helping him get some inches added, if both of you are unable to establish true friendship, things will continue to degenerate between the two of you. Granted, quality sex is a key to being happy in marriage but it is only part of the whole picture of a fulfilling marriage. This is because you cannot spend all your time together making love. After lovemaking, life must continue. The time has come to sit your husband down for a real talk. Hear him out. Listen to his grudges against you. He may really feel he isn’t getting the kind of sympathy he expects from his wife. A man that has his kind of challenge needs a wife who understands because it is both an ego and psychological problem. Telling him everyday he isn’t satisfying you is enough to make him become rude, violent and irresponsible. He is reacting the only way he knows how due to the fear of losing you and exposing himself to the ridicule of everybody. Your parents ought to have told you that each marriage comes with its own baggage. His attitude is an appeal for help from the woman he married. Rather than nag him, gently get him to open up; especially his worst nightmare. Ask how you can be of help to him; the options he has considered before meeting you as well as the ones you think can help the situation. Let him realise that you are not as bothered about the size of his manhood as much as his attitude towards you and your feelings. Let him know you really care about him more than he knows. You must really show him that you care deeply for his well-being and about his happiness. The fact that you got pregnant and have a set of twins to show for it, shows that he is fertile. It is just a matter of both of you giving your imagination freedom to blossom. No matter the size of a man’s organ, the success or otherwise of lovemaking is more often premised on the kind of imagination a couple has. Divorce shouldn’t be your first option because there is no telling what challenges you would meet in another relationship. Learn to be patient, be more understanding and supportive of him; this is what marriage is all about. Challenges are compulsory part of marriage. They are designed to take a couple to the next level. Your vibrator isn’t a solution but a major distraction to the real steps you should take in getting lasting solution to your problem. By the time you change tactics, become more of his friend, who isn’t condemning, who has the real desire to help and has the maturity to take whatever comes out of it; he would change. Also you need to pray for help to change those things you don’t like about him as well as yourself.
Good luck.
Thursday, October 20, 2011
Before she marries a married man
With Auntie Agatha gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com Tel: 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
I have been urging my first daughter to bring a man home to marry. She is almost 38. Although the most beautiful of my three daughters, she appears to be the one having the most difficulties in sustaining any relationship. Men come and go. I haven’t seen a man who has stayed with her for more than six months at most. Her two younger sisters are married and have children of their own. Severally, I have heard her crying in her room but there is nothing I can do to help her beyond praying for her. Two years ago, her father tried matchmaking her with the son of his best friend who also is unmarried at 42. We thought it would work between the two of them but were warned in the church not to allow them continue with the relationship. Our pastor said, the boy in question has a very short lifespan and our daughter would become widowed within a month after their marriage. They had no choice but to go their different ways. The man got married to another lady early this year and nothing has happened to him. My daughter feels very bad about it. She thinks the pastor lied about the prophecy to make way for the daughter of his relation who the boy eventually got married to. Now she is dating a man who already has two wives and from all indices has made up her mind to marry him whether we are in support of her decision or not. The father and I have done everything to make her see reasons but nothing we say appears to be having the right kind of effect on her anymore. How do I convince her not to marry this man who in addition to having two wives is almost of the same age with my husband. A friend of mine told me to go and appeal to the man to leave my daughter alone. I am actually considering going as soon as I hear from you. Please help me.
Madam Alice.
Dear Madam Alice,
Frankly, in her current state of mind, there is nothing you say or do now that can make her change her mind. It would take the grace of God to stop her from continuing with her decision to marry this man. At 38 and with her younger sisters all married, she feels time is not on her side. The only man that was sufficiently interested in her and who would have married her was driven away by the prophecy of a pastor. In her shoes, how would you feel especially as no man has ever been around her for more than six months at a go? This isn’t time for you or her father to insist on her not marrying the man she has made up her mind to marry. Instead, adopt diplomacy in this matter. You need to understand her pains as well as disappointments. You, as a woman, must appreciate that until this moment she had done everything you wanted and how her obedience to your wish as pronounced by the pastor has affected her. She cannot be happy seeing the man who wanted to marry her in the arms of another woman; the man she was told would die within a month of their marriage. It would have been a different matter if the man had truly died according to the sayings of the pastor but that he has been married for sometime now and is still alive has really complicated things for you. You must understand that she is very bitter and has lost hope in everything you, her father and the church represent. Having done everything your way until now, she feels it is time she does things her way. Even if you are not comfortable with her decision, learn to take each day as it comes. Being her mother, you know her better than anybody. It is this knowledge you must rely on to make her listen to you. But before you even try attempting to terminate her current relationship, what alternative do you have for her? It isn’t just enough asking her to drop this man; you must be prepared to provide her with options. For instance, you could split them by asking your daughter to change location. Sending her abroad to start life afresh is one sacrifice you and your husband can consider. It would help you achieve your desire of stopping her from making the mistake of marrying a man who already has two wives as well as create a new environment for her to meet new people. It would also remove her from immediate scene of seeing this her ex-boyfriend and his wife. This way, she would heal faster than if she remained in Nigeria. In addition, you would still be able to preserve your relationship with your daughter. As it stands now, you risk losing her love and respect by your decision not to support her choice of a husband. Offering to sponsor her trip and stay abroad would help her realise that you mean well for her and that if you could change the world to make her happy, you would since have done it. If you cannot afford a European country, you and your husband can consider an African country. She actually needs a change of environment to remain emotionally stable. Going to this man would only complicate things for you in terms of your relationship with your daughter. It is your daughter you have business with not the man. Everyman has the right to desire any woman; it is usually the job of the woman to say yes or no. He proposed to your daughter and she accepted. He has not done anything out of the ordinary. The fact that you don’t subscribe to polygamy doesn’t make it wrong or illegal. Your daughter would rightly feel you are interfering too much in her life. Don’t forget that at 38, she is an adult and who by right should be in her husband’s house making her decision. The fact that she is still single doesn’t mean you should not recognise her right to her decision. She really doesn’t need your consent to marry this man because it is her life and decision. The fact that she agreed to listen to you all these years is because she is a responsible lady. The way you talk to and tailor the life of a young woman in her 20s is different from a 38-year-old woman. Stop trying to live her life for her. Granted, you are her mother but she is also an adult and knows what is good for her. If you want to intervene, it must be done with so much wisdom and caution. This is why you must give her positive alternatives to the choice she is about to make else you would be unwittingly pushing her to the very direction you don’t want her to go to. As a mother, you also need to pray your daughter into happiness. One thing is to give her an alternative to her decision; another thing is for you to pray for her. There is no doubting that from your story, your first daughter has some spiritual challenges, which you as a mother isn’t paying too much attention to. If you don’t get on your knees fast, even if she goes there, things might not really work for her. It is time you moved out of your cocoon and seek the face of God on behalf on your daughter. Look back into your family, your husband’s family for clues into her problem. What is happening to her isn’t natural. Also, find out from her if she has offended any man in the past; one that swore to deal with her. You must find out where the leak is from to enable you know what your prayer points would be. She needs your help because this battle is beyond her. It is the reason all young girls pray to have their mothers alive. Cry to God for His help. It isn’t too late for her to find her missing rib. This is a step you have to take on your own. Fast and go on personal vigil for your daughter. If God wants you to seek the help of a pastor, He would direct you appropriately. You must first get rid of her spiritual dustbin before sending her abroad or talking to her. It is very important. Good luck.
Dear Agatha,
I have been urging my first daughter to bring a man home to marry. She is almost 38. Although the most beautiful of my three daughters, she appears to be the one having the most difficulties in sustaining any relationship. Men come and go. I haven’t seen a man who has stayed with her for more than six months at most. Her two younger sisters are married and have children of their own. Severally, I have heard her crying in her room but there is nothing I can do to help her beyond praying for her. Two years ago, her father tried matchmaking her with the son of his best friend who also is unmarried at 42. We thought it would work between the two of them but were warned in the church not to allow them continue with the relationship. Our pastor said, the boy in question has a very short lifespan and our daughter would become widowed within a month after their marriage. They had no choice but to go their different ways. The man got married to another lady early this year and nothing has happened to him. My daughter feels very bad about it. She thinks the pastor lied about the prophecy to make way for the daughter of his relation who the boy eventually got married to. Now she is dating a man who already has two wives and from all indices has made up her mind to marry him whether we are in support of her decision or not. The father and I have done everything to make her see reasons but nothing we say appears to be having the right kind of effect on her anymore. How do I convince her not to marry this man who in addition to having two wives is almost of the same age with my husband. A friend of mine told me to go and appeal to the man to leave my daughter alone. I am actually considering going as soon as I hear from you. Please help me.
Madam Alice.
Dear Madam Alice,
Frankly, in her current state of mind, there is nothing you say or do now that can make her change her mind. It would take the grace of God to stop her from continuing with her decision to marry this man. At 38 and with her younger sisters all married, she feels time is not on her side. The only man that was sufficiently interested in her and who would have married her was driven away by the prophecy of a pastor. In her shoes, how would you feel especially as no man has ever been around her for more than six months at a go? This isn’t time for you or her father to insist on her not marrying the man she has made up her mind to marry. Instead, adopt diplomacy in this matter. You need to understand her pains as well as disappointments. You, as a woman, must appreciate that until this moment she had done everything you wanted and how her obedience to your wish as pronounced by the pastor has affected her. She cannot be happy seeing the man who wanted to marry her in the arms of another woman; the man she was told would die within a month of their marriage. It would have been a different matter if the man had truly died according to the sayings of the pastor but that he has been married for sometime now and is still alive has really complicated things for you. You must understand that she is very bitter and has lost hope in everything you, her father and the church represent. Having done everything your way until now, she feels it is time she does things her way. Even if you are not comfortable with her decision, learn to take each day as it comes. Being her mother, you know her better than anybody. It is this knowledge you must rely on to make her listen to you. But before you even try attempting to terminate her current relationship, what alternative do you have for her? It isn’t just enough asking her to drop this man; you must be prepared to provide her with options. For instance, you could split them by asking your daughter to change location. Sending her abroad to start life afresh is one sacrifice you and your husband can consider. It would help you achieve your desire of stopping her from making the mistake of marrying a man who already has two wives as well as create a new environment for her to meet new people. It would also remove her from immediate scene of seeing this her ex-boyfriend and his wife. This way, she would heal faster than if she remained in Nigeria. In addition, you would still be able to preserve your relationship with your daughter. As it stands now, you risk losing her love and respect by your decision not to support her choice of a husband. Offering to sponsor her trip and stay abroad would help her realise that you mean well for her and that if you could change the world to make her happy, you would since have done it. If you cannot afford a European country, you and your husband can consider an African country. She actually needs a change of environment to remain emotionally stable. Going to this man would only complicate things for you in terms of your relationship with your daughter. It is your daughter you have business with not the man. Everyman has the right to desire any woman; it is usually the job of the woman to say yes or no. He proposed to your daughter and she accepted. He has not done anything out of the ordinary. The fact that you don’t subscribe to polygamy doesn’t make it wrong or illegal. Your daughter would rightly feel you are interfering too much in her life. Don’t forget that at 38, she is an adult and who by right should be in her husband’s house making her decision. The fact that she is still single doesn’t mean you should not recognise her right to her decision. She really doesn’t need your consent to marry this man because it is her life and decision. The fact that she agreed to listen to you all these years is because she is a responsible lady. The way you talk to and tailor the life of a young woman in her 20s is different from a 38-year-old woman. Stop trying to live her life for her. Granted, you are her mother but she is also an adult and knows what is good for her. If you want to intervene, it must be done with so much wisdom and caution. This is why you must give her positive alternatives to the choice she is about to make else you would be unwittingly pushing her to the very direction you don’t want her to go to. As a mother, you also need to pray your daughter into happiness. One thing is to give her an alternative to her decision; another thing is for you to pray for her. There is no doubting that from your story, your first daughter has some spiritual challenges, which you as a mother isn’t paying too much attention to. If you don’t get on your knees fast, even if she goes there, things might not really work for her. It is time you moved out of your cocoon and seek the face of God on behalf on your daughter. Look back into your family, your husband’s family for clues into her problem. What is happening to her isn’t natural. Also, find out from her if she has offended any man in the past; one that swore to deal with her. You must find out where the leak is from to enable you know what your prayer points would be. She needs your help because this battle is beyond her. It is the reason all young girls pray to have their mothers alive. Cry to God for His help. It isn’t too late for her to find her missing rib. This is a step you have to take on your own. Fast and go on personal vigil for your daughter. If God wants you to seek the help of a pastor, He would direct you appropriately. You must first get rid of her spiritual dustbin before sending her abroad or talking to her. It is very important. Good luck.
I’m in love with a violent man
With Auntie Agatha gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com Tel: 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
I am 23 years of age. I started dating my boyfriend when I was in my final year in secondary school. He actually helped me to secure admission into the university since I didn’t go through the right channel. Because of this, I have remained in his debt. He beats me, flirts, behaves as he likes and does other things that really hurt me. Severally, he has poured hot soup on me simply because I protest against his numerous women. Twice I have made feeble attempts to leave him, but deep down I know I can’t because he has an inexplicable hold over me. Apart from what I feel for him, he can be very violent and has promised to eliminate my entire family, himself and me if I ever leave him for another man. Knowing him as much as I do, this isn’t an empty threat. Once he locked me in the room when I refused to make love with him and brought out a sharp object to eliminate both of us if I don’t do what he wanted. A lot of my friends have tried talking to me about this abusive relationship. I know he is bad for me, but I don’t know what to do. The funny thing is that he comes back to beg after such misbehavior. Another reason for my handicap has to do with the help he offered me in getting my admission. He is capable of exposing everything to the world and where would that leave me? Another thing is that I am pregnant, and unfortunately for me the doctor I went to is his friend, and has told him about it. So there is no way of escaping marrying him. Please, Agatha, what do I do now? This man is capable of killing me one day but I am very helpless. I don’t have a mother and don’t know how to end this relationship. I am also afraid the baby would end up being as violent as the father just like a friend of mine pointed out. What do you think? I am really scared. Please help me. I don’t want to die young and cannot abort the baby because there is a prophecy that if I attempt it I would die.
Yeni.
Dear Yeni, Aside from the prophecy, the baby is a gift from God. So don’t even think of removing it. You appeared to have made one mistake already, don’t be in a haste to make another one. You may not be comfortable with the attitude of the father but the baby is innocent. Invest love in the baby and give it proper training. A lot of the time, we are the kind of training we got from our parents. Your boyfriend is who he is, because of the kind of training he got and the company he keeps. Even if your child inherits this aspect of his character, you can help the child overcome it by showing him or her true and undiluted love. Usually, children manifest their kind of nature when young. From that point, the mother has the task of moulding the child to what she wants him or her to become. The mistake most mothers make is to ignore these traits or attribute them to the age of the child. Sometimes too, these kinds of behaviour come from over-indulgence on the part of the mother. If nothing is done early enough, by the time the mother feels the need to introduce discipline, it becomes almost impossible and a future problem to the spouse. The key to helping this child come to full maturity lies with you. As a mother your duties and responsibilities go beyond giving birth to the child. It includes pointing the child to the right direction through the words of God. As for your relationship with the man, the choice to stay depends solely on what you want from life. If you enjoy being beaten and humiliated, you can stay. But if you don’t, be bold to confront him on what you think of his attitude towards you. From all indications, this man lacks respect for your person and feelings. Whatever your own shortcomings are, he hasn’t the right to beat you. It shows a man who is completely lacking in self-control and maturity in handling women. And if he keeps beating you at this stage of your relationship, when he should be courting you, making himself attractive to you so that you can agree to marry him, how do you think he would treat you when you are both married? That he helped you secure admission in your school isn’t an excuse for him to threaten or keep beating you anytime he feels like. No love is worth any violence. While it is natural for couple to quarrel, at times even violent ones, what is happening in your relationship is, however unhealthy, as it has become a pattern. If you don’t build up the courage now to face this situation and give it the kind of attention you may not live long to even enjoy being mother to your children. What if the hot soup he poured on you had left you with permanent injury, handicapped for life? What kind of story would you be telling your family? Grow up! No love can be greater than the love to stay alive? Your sustaining a relationship is dependent on your being alive. If you die from injuries you sustain from being constantly beaten by him, this guy would eventually marry another woman. The loss won’t be his but that of your family who would have lost a promising daughter and you would have lost a life God intended for greatness. I am sure God didn’t create you to be a punching bag for a man who is probably learning how to be a world-class boxing champion. If this man has no respect for you, learn to give yourself some respect. He is treating you this way because he knows you are weak and handicapped by your desire to stay in school at all cost. Resist being blackmailed by him to stay in this relationship. Life is too beautiful, fragile and short for this kind of lifestyle you plan with this man. Whatever your fears are now, you can bet they are far less than the kind of life you would have if after witnessing and experiencing all these dangerous signs, you still go ahead to marry him. That you are pregnant for him isn’t also a reason for you to marry him. Every child deserves happiness and peaceful home to grow in. So do you, as a young woman, just starting out her life. If you are being treated by your man as a second-class citizen, one who lacks the ability to think or feel anything. What kind of respect do you think your child would have for you? Honestly, you are still beating about the bush and clearly not being very honest with yourself concerning the real reason you are putting up with his character. Unless you are able to do without that secret thing you are not saying, you will never be able to end this relationship. You need to admit to the real truth behind your story and plight to fuel your determination to resist him permanently. The best way is to weigh this thing you are not saying and the worth of your own life. How much does your life mean to you? Is that thing worth dying for? Value your life appropriately, it is the only way to either move on or opt out of this relationship. You also have to go to take a trip to the very beginning of this relationship. Can you tell the mistakes you made at the beginning? Unless there is something very wrong with him, he alone couldn’t have destroyed this relationship to this extent. Knowing those things you didn’t do right at the inception of your relationship would also help you avoid many of the mistakes this relationship has become. One way of ending it is to simply walk away and threaten to inform the Police about threats he has made to kill you and your entire family. Also tell your family. And if you have brothers, let them go to him. More often than not, bullies die many times before their death. Once he knows the Police is involved as well as your family, he would be cautious in his dealings with you. Good luck.
Dear Agatha,
I am 23 years of age. I started dating my boyfriend when I was in my final year in secondary school. He actually helped me to secure admission into the university since I didn’t go through the right channel. Because of this, I have remained in his debt. He beats me, flirts, behaves as he likes and does other things that really hurt me. Severally, he has poured hot soup on me simply because I protest against his numerous women. Twice I have made feeble attempts to leave him, but deep down I know I can’t because he has an inexplicable hold over me. Apart from what I feel for him, he can be very violent and has promised to eliminate my entire family, himself and me if I ever leave him for another man. Knowing him as much as I do, this isn’t an empty threat. Once he locked me in the room when I refused to make love with him and brought out a sharp object to eliminate both of us if I don’t do what he wanted. A lot of my friends have tried talking to me about this abusive relationship. I know he is bad for me, but I don’t know what to do. The funny thing is that he comes back to beg after such misbehavior. Another reason for my handicap has to do with the help he offered me in getting my admission. He is capable of exposing everything to the world and where would that leave me? Another thing is that I am pregnant, and unfortunately for me the doctor I went to is his friend, and has told him about it. So there is no way of escaping marrying him. Please, Agatha, what do I do now? This man is capable of killing me one day but I am very helpless. I don’t have a mother and don’t know how to end this relationship. I am also afraid the baby would end up being as violent as the father just like a friend of mine pointed out. What do you think? I am really scared. Please help me. I don’t want to die young and cannot abort the baby because there is a prophecy that if I attempt it I would die.
Yeni.
Dear Yeni, Aside from the prophecy, the baby is a gift from God. So don’t even think of removing it. You appeared to have made one mistake already, don’t be in a haste to make another one. You may not be comfortable with the attitude of the father but the baby is innocent. Invest love in the baby and give it proper training. A lot of the time, we are the kind of training we got from our parents. Your boyfriend is who he is, because of the kind of training he got and the company he keeps. Even if your child inherits this aspect of his character, you can help the child overcome it by showing him or her true and undiluted love. Usually, children manifest their kind of nature when young. From that point, the mother has the task of moulding the child to what she wants him or her to become. The mistake most mothers make is to ignore these traits or attribute them to the age of the child. Sometimes too, these kinds of behaviour come from over-indulgence on the part of the mother. If nothing is done early enough, by the time the mother feels the need to introduce discipline, it becomes almost impossible and a future problem to the spouse. The key to helping this child come to full maturity lies with you. As a mother your duties and responsibilities go beyond giving birth to the child. It includes pointing the child to the right direction through the words of God. As for your relationship with the man, the choice to stay depends solely on what you want from life. If you enjoy being beaten and humiliated, you can stay. But if you don’t, be bold to confront him on what you think of his attitude towards you. From all indications, this man lacks respect for your person and feelings. Whatever your own shortcomings are, he hasn’t the right to beat you. It shows a man who is completely lacking in self-control and maturity in handling women. And if he keeps beating you at this stage of your relationship, when he should be courting you, making himself attractive to you so that you can agree to marry him, how do you think he would treat you when you are both married? That he helped you secure admission in your school isn’t an excuse for him to threaten or keep beating you anytime he feels like. No love is worth any violence. While it is natural for couple to quarrel, at times even violent ones, what is happening in your relationship is, however unhealthy, as it has become a pattern. If you don’t build up the courage now to face this situation and give it the kind of attention you may not live long to even enjoy being mother to your children. What if the hot soup he poured on you had left you with permanent injury, handicapped for life? What kind of story would you be telling your family? Grow up! No love can be greater than the love to stay alive? Your sustaining a relationship is dependent on your being alive. If you die from injuries you sustain from being constantly beaten by him, this guy would eventually marry another woman. The loss won’t be his but that of your family who would have lost a promising daughter and you would have lost a life God intended for greatness. I am sure God didn’t create you to be a punching bag for a man who is probably learning how to be a world-class boxing champion. If this man has no respect for you, learn to give yourself some respect. He is treating you this way because he knows you are weak and handicapped by your desire to stay in school at all cost. Resist being blackmailed by him to stay in this relationship. Life is too beautiful, fragile and short for this kind of lifestyle you plan with this man. Whatever your fears are now, you can bet they are far less than the kind of life you would have if after witnessing and experiencing all these dangerous signs, you still go ahead to marry him. That you are pregnant for him isn’t also a reason for you to marry him. Every child deserves happiness and peaceful home to grow in. So do you, as a young woman, just starting out her life. If you are being treated by your man as a second-class citizen, one who lacks the ability to think or feel anything. What kind of respect do you think your child would have for you? Honestly, you are still beating about the bush and clearly not being very honest with yourself concerning the real reason you are putting up with his character. Unless you are able to do without that secret thing you are not saying, you will never be able to end this relationship. You need to admit to the real truth behind your story and plight to fuel your determination to resist him permanently. The best way is to weigh this thing you are not saying and the worth of your own life. How much does your life mean to you? Is that thing worth dying for? Value your life appropriately, it is the only way to either move on or opt out of this relationship. You also have to go to take a trip to the very beginning of this relationship. Can you tell the mistakes you made at the beginning? Unless there is something very wrong with him, he alone couldn’t have destroyed this relationship to this extent. Knowing those things you didn’t do right at the inception of your relationship would also help you avoid many of the mistakes this relationship has become. One way of ending it is to simply walk away and threaten to inform the Police about threats he has made to kill you and your entire family. Also tell your family. And if you have brothers, let them go to him. More often than not, bullies die many times before their death. Once he knows the Police is involved as well as your family, he would be cautious in his dealings with you. Good luck.
Thursday, October 13, 2011
Why do we have to marry?
With Auntie Agatha gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com Tel: 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
I am 42 and understandably under pressure from members of my family, especially my parents and friends to marry. I have been disappointed, crushed and I am very bitter especially as everybody seems not to understand that the choice to be single isn’t one I am happy with. Like most women my age, I want to have a husband and children.
Most of my friends have children in the universities, so it isn’t as if I am not thinking or conscious of what is expected of me. But, the issue goes beyond what I want or people around me for that matter.
It is for me an issue of what is workable. Looking at the quality of marriages around me, I really appear to be better off. Everywhere I turn to, I see a lot of pretences in marriages. A lot of my friends are into other relationships to keep themselves happy because of the pressures they are getting from their partners. Most of them are the ones responsible for the upkeep of their homes and the fees of their children. Now tell me what is the difference between me and them? They pick their bills just as I do so what is all the hassles about a woman getting married at all cost? I may not be completely happy but I am contented with the choices life has made for me.
My reason for writing is to ask you why do people marry and to know of what essence is marriage generally? Is it a must for a woman or man for that matter to get married?
Ibiyemi.
Dear Ibiyemi,
The essence of marriages comes from the companionship it offers. Its seemingly imperfection not withstanding, the benefits of being married cannot be undervalued. Nature expects it and so does the society. To do otherwise is to court and attract undue attention to oneself.
You may not appreciate the worth of having your own family now but as time goes on, you will soon realise that life is in stages. Each phase flows from the previous into the next. There is no jumping to the next stage in life without first, living in the present. Mostly, life many disappointments come from our inability to correctly read and identify that particular chain that links the present with the future. Unfortunately, not many get the chance to relive that aspect of their lives again.
Life itself is a tangle of intricate webs, which makes frustration, regrets, pains and betrayals as well as happiness concomitant to our existence. As long as we have learnt to accept the good things life offers, we must also learn to deal with its flip side. That you have been experiencing pains and rejections from men or the fact that you think marriages are not what they are supposed to be, enough reasons for you to completely write off the prospect of marriage. Life is about falling and rising up again. It is also about sharing what we have.
This is where marriage draws strength from. A couple must have a commonwealth to make a marriage work. Without a couple combining resources, the marriage would run into problems of logistics. The role of a woman in marriage is to provide quality support for her husband. If she elects to pick the bills for housekeeping, it is her choice to do so. A woman that finds herself in that position is only making the sacrifice to make her home work and happy.
Sacrifice is the anchor of every successful marriage. Being the bedrock of the home, a woman must do what has to be done to ensure her home is happy. This is why a lot of women are making the choice of bringing out their money to make their marriages work. It is not a minus rather, it is a plus for the woman who invests in her home. One gets to a point in life when one realises that marriage isn’t the make-believe our mothers project marriage. Every woman must understand the needs of her marriage to know when, where to step in and what to offer. The success of every marriage is dependent on the ability of the woman to fully interprete the nature of her own marriage.
If after all these sacrifices, the same woman decides to play around, it doesn’t mean her marriage is in problems or that the institution is in shambles. Far from it! It simply means such a woman lacks the moral value to honour her man and vows. And you will be doing yourself a great injustice to premise your happiness on the values of such a woman.
You may not have the challenge your friends have in their marriages. Yours may be a completely different kind of trials. There is no way you would know what life expects of you, if you don’t give it a chance to show you.
Your friends are only doing what women have secretly done through the ages to keep their home intact.
At 42, you are getting on in age. A time would come when you won’t be so attractive, when all your friends would be too preoccupied with their own families to have the extra time to spend chatting or exchanging visits with you. If you are the kind that keeps a large family, a time would come when they will all leave your nest to begin their own lives. This is when you need your own immediate family, your own children and husband to fill the gap for you.
There is also another stage when the children would leave and you would be alone with your partner. These are the stages of life. This is the real time when the real meaning of marriage becomes evident; when the reason God ordained marriage becomes unmistakable.
In addition to companionship, there are various emotional values attached to being married. Besides this aspect of marriage, many people gauge one’s level of responsibility by one’s marital status. A person, especially a man, who isn’t married won’t be considered for certain sensitive international positions.
Beyond the superficial reasons, the truth is that we all need someone in our lives to make us feel complete. A woman needs a man to reach her full emotional and social status just as a man must have a woman in his life to be complete.
Adulthood means complimenting someone else. This is why once we get to an age of acquiring companion, something in our mind triggers off that need. No matter how strong we are, we need companionship, friendship, cheer-leader, someone who understands us and willingly to make tremendous sacrifices for us. For a woman, we need that special man who when the world thinks we are all wrinkles, still sees the beauty in us. It is something we all need once we are getting on in age. Only marriage gives an old woman the confidence to feel happy and beautiful.
Rather than dismiss the idea of marriage, you must first consider why you have kept meeting with disappointments in your relationships. Definitely, the problem can’t be that of the marriage institution or the men coming to you for that matter. Rather, most of it would come from your own failure to identify what precisely you are looking for in life.
Like I said earlier, our pains often have roots in our helplessness to squarely face what our needs really are. At 42, you are already on reality zone. Your dreams and visions should have changed dramatically from what they were about a decade ago. If your desire has always tilted towards the physcial and financial status of the man, by now you should know that such things do not guarantee happiness in marriage. Marriage is more about what we have inside and not what we look like or have. There always comes a time in life when the body desires to have the intimacy of the opposite sex. Even if the other party isn’t in the mood, being married makes it a must for the other party to give in. It is one of the many benefits marriage offers.
Once you make the decision to change your focus, you will find out that marriage is an inevitable journey for us all as adults.
Good luck.
Dear Agatha,
I am 42 and understandably under pressure from members of my family, especially my parents and friends to marry. I have been disappointed, crushed and I am very bitter especially as everybody seems not to understand that the choice to be single isn’t one I am happy with. Like most women my age, I want to have a husband and children.
Most of my friends have children in the universities, so it isn’t as if I am not thinking or conscious of what is expected of me. But, the issue goes beyond what I want or people around me for that matter.
It is for me an issue of what is workable. Looking at the quality of marriages around me, I really appear to be better off. Everywhere I turn to, I see a lot of pretences in marriages. A lot of my friends are into other relationships to keep themselves happy because of the pressures they are getting from their partners. Most of them are the ones responsible for the upkeep of their homes and the fees of their children. Now tell me what is the difference between me and them? They pick their bills just as I do so what is all the hassles about a woman getting married at all cost? I may not be completely happy but I am contented with the choices life has made for me.
My reason for writing is to ask you why do people marry and to know of what essence is marriage generally? Is it a must for a woman or man for that matter to get married?
Ibiyemi.
Dear Ibiyemi,
The essence of marriages comes from the companionship it offers. Its seemingly imperfection not withstanding, the benefits of being married cannot be undervalued. Nature expects it and so does the society. To do otherwise is to court and attract undue attention to oneself.
You may not appreciate the worth of having your own family now but as time goes on, you will soon realise that life is in stages. Each phase flows from the previous into the next. There is no jumping to the next stage in life without first, living in the present. Mostly, life many disappointments come from our inability to correctly read and identify that particular chain that links the present with the future. Unfortunately, not many get the chance to relive that aspect of their lives again.
Life itself is a tangle of intricate webs, which makes frustration, regrets, pains and betrayals as well as happiness concomitant to our existence. As long as we have learnt to accept the good things life offers, we must also learn to deal with its flip side. That you have been experiencing pains and rejections from men or the fact that you think marriages are not what they are supposed to be, enough reasons for you to completely write off the prospect of marriage. Life is about falling and rising up again. It is also about sharing what we have.
This is where marriage draws strength from. A couple must have a commonwealth to make a marriage work. Without a couple combining resources, the marriage would run into problems of logistics. The role of a woman in marriage is to provide quality support for her husband. If she elects to pick the bills for housekeeping, it is her choice to do so. A woman that finds herself in that position is only making the sacrifice to make her home work and happy.
Sacrifice is the anchor of every successful marriage. Being the bedrock of the home, a woman must do what has to be done to ensure her home is happy. This is why a lot of women are making the choice of bringing out their money to make their marriages work. It is not a minus rather, it is a plus for the woman who invests in her home. One gets to a point in life when one realises that marriage isn’t the make-believe our mothers project marriage. Every woman must understand the needs of her marriage to know when, where to step in and what to offer. The success of every marriage is dependent on the ability of the woman to fully interprete the nature of her own marriage.
If after all these sacrifices, the same woman decides to play around, it doesn’t mean her marriage is in problems or that the institution is in shambles. Far from it! It simply means such a woman lacks the moral value to honour her man and vows. And you will be doing yourself a great injustice to premise your happiness on the values of such a woman.
You may not have the challenge your friends have in their marriages. Yours may be a completely different kind of trials. There is no way you would know what life expects of you, if you don’t give it a chance to show you.
Your friends are only doing what women have secretly done through the ages to keep their home intact.
At 42, you are getting on in age. A time would come when you won’t be so attractive, when all your friends would be too preoccupied with their own families to have the extra time to spend chatting or exchanging visits with you. If you are the kind that keeps a large family, a time would come when they will all leave your nest to begin their own lives. This is when you need your own immediate family, your own children and husband to fill the gap for you.
There is also another stage when the children would leave and you would be alone with your partner. These are the stages of life. This is the real time when the real meaning of marriage becomes evident; when the reason God ordained marriage becomes unmistakable.
In addition to companionship, there are various emotional values attached to being married. Besides this aspect of marriage, many people gauge one’s level of responsibility by one’s marital status. A person, especially a man, who isn’t married won’t be considered for certain sensitive international positions.
Beyond the superficial reasons, the truth is that we all need someone in our lives to make us feel complete. A woman needs a man to reach her full emotional and social status just as a man must have a woman in his life to be complete.
Adulthood means complimenting someone else. This is why once we get to an age of acquiring companion, something in our mind triggers off that need. No matter how strong we are, we need companionship, friendship, cheer-leader, someone who understands us and willingly to make tremendous sacrifices for us. For a woman, we need that special man who when the world thinks we are all wrinkles, still sees the beauty in us. It is something we all need once we are getting on in age. Only marriage gives an old woman the confidence to feel happy and beautiful.
Rather than dismiss the idea of marriage, you must first consider why you have kept meeting with disappointments in your relationships. Definitely, the problem can’t be that of the marriage institution or the men coming to you for that matter. Rather, most of it would come from your own failure to identify what precisely you are looking for in life.
Like I said earlier, our pains often have roots in our helplessness to squarely face what our needs really are. At 42, you are already on reality zone. Your dreams and visions should have changed dramatically from what they were about a decade ago. If your desire has always tilted towards the physcial and financial status of the man, by now you should know that such things do not guarantee happiness in marriage. Marriage is more about what we have inside and not what we look like or have. There always comes a time in life when the body desires to have the intimacy of the opposite sex. Even if the other party isn’t in the mood, being married makes it a must for the other party to give in. It is one of the many benefits marriage offers.
Once you make the decision to change your focus, you will find out that marriage is an inevitable journey for us all as adults.
Good luck.
Wednesday, October 12, 2011
I caught my married sister kissing our father’s best friend
With Auntie Agatha gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com Tel: 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
Please I need your help urgently. I have just finished my secondary school education so I decided to spend few weeks with my eldest sister who is married with three children. Her eldest child is in JSS 3. It was my first time of staying over in her house despite efforts her husband has made to ensure my siblings and I treated his home as ours. My mother always had one excuse or the other for turning down his request for us to come for holidays.
After a while, he stopped asking us to come over but never stayed away from us. Every month, he would send my parents money as well as the rest of us. He also encouraged us to call him whenever we needed anything urgently. As a matter of fact he behaved more like the son and child of the family than my eldest sister. Many not familiar with our family history thought he was actually my mother’s child and my sister, his wife.
For reasons I didn’t know until recently, my sister and our mother were always at logger heads. And since neither of them was willing to say anything on the matter, we all decided it was the usual thing between eldest daugthers and their mothers.
On the occassions my father tried talking to my sister and mother about their soured relationship; it always ended with my mother challenging my sister to tell the world the real reasons for their misunderstanding. My mother on such occassions would tell my sister she regretted having her as a child.
Like us, my father gave up trying to broker peace between his daughter and wife.
The third day after I came, she encouraged me to go to the market to get some clothes for myself and told me to take my time. In my excitement at having such a huge money to play with, I forget my purse at home. I was almost in the market when I discovered I didn’t bring along my wallet containing the major money I wanted to use for shopping. The only money I had, was the N2,000.00 I kept inside my bag; the reason I didn’t discover my oversight until I got to the market.
I tried calling my sister since her shop was closer to where I was than the house but, her phone was switched off so I decided to go home to get my wallet.
I don’t know why I decided against going home as I planned. On impulse, I got down at her shop’s bus-stop. Just as I was about crossing the road, I noticed a car packed some distance from her shop; the car belonged to my father’s best friend. I was excited so made a dash for the car without thinking. Although the car had tinted glass, I could make out the form of my sister and father’s best friend kissing at the back of the car.
They must have seen me because my sister pushed him away, opened the door and gave me the most severe slap I have ever received. There was nothing she didn’t say, including the bit about my mother sending me to spy on her.
My father’s friend didn’t bother to come down, instead, he drove away from the scene.
I am very confused because I can’t just leave without telling my sister’s husband or my siblings and parents why I came back home only few days after I left to spend the holidays at my sister’s.
Agatha, please help me. I can’t stay with my sister anymore but, what do I say as my reason for leaving? I have lost every respect for her as my sister. The other issue has to do with my father’s friend. The man is like a brother to my father and was the chairman at my sister’s wedding ceremony. I know my sister has always been close to him, but I didn’t know they were involved.
Do you think I should tell my parents before he destroys my sister’s marriage? But, my sister is threatening to deal with me if I tell anybody what I witnessed. I am so confused about everything because she is one of the most responsible people I know.
Ewaoluwa
Dear Ewaoluwa,
You don’t have to tell your sister’s husband your real reason for leaving so suddenly. Simply tell your brother-in-law you are home sick and would want to go back home. There is no doubting the fact that your sister would gladly support your leaving as soon as possible.
The danger of staying has to do with the current mood your sister is in. In her present state of mind, there is no telling what she is capable of doing to you. She may not mean to really harm you but would have committed the act in anger before realising the import of what she has done. In situation like this, it always best to avoid regrettable circumstances.
Obviously, what you witnessed didn’t begin today and may not end because you saw the two of them in that intimate position. Your sister’s as well as your father’s best friend reactions show that they have gone too deep to care who is watching. It could have been anybody who walked in on them kissing in public. Therefore, if this marriage is going to break, don’t let the blame come from you. From the way both of them are carrying on, it is a matter of time for the two most important persons directly affected by this relationship to catch them in the act. But before then, avoid the cross and burden of being named in this mess.
Chances are your mother already knows but because she is a mother, has decided to deal with it the only way she knows how. This could be the reason the two of them don’t agree at all. Your mother is also avoiding being named as the cause of her daughter’s matrimonial problems. Often than not, people get very sentimental when issues like this comes up. Rather than address the real issue, they are forever looking for scape- goat to blame for their actions. Should you blow the lid on your sister extra marital affair to her husband, you would be her scapegoat since she is already alluding to you acting as spy for your mother. She would always find a way of making you appear to be a tale bearer which wouldn’t augur well for you especially as this is your first time staying in her house.
She can easily tell the world, it is to avoid problems in her marriage that she has always discouraged her siblings from coming to her home.
This is not to say you are supporting her, far from it but wisdom demands that certain things are best left to those who have the authority and right to say it. As her younger sister, one far her junior, you are not in a position to handle this matter or say anything beyond informing your mother, whose duty and perogative it is to inform your father.
In telling your mother, make it clear to her that your telling her isn’t to cause more problems between the two of them but for her to have a serious talk with your sister.
Honestly, this isn’t the time to reprimand her. Instead, it is the time for you and your mother to come together to pray for her. Obviously, there is more to this issue that meets the eyes. For a married woman to think nothing of kissing another man in public so near her shop, a place she is well known and where her husband or his family members can come without notice, underscores a nagging spiritual problem that may have nothing to do with her directly but a lot to do with your father.
Tell your mother, getting angry with your elder sister isn’t a solution. She must take an action to protect her daughter from herself. If nothing is done by her, to ensure she puts a stop to this situation, the shame won’t be only that of your sister but, of the entire family.
Encourage her it is also time for your father to be involved. He is the only one who has the capacity to confront his friend and apply the needed force to put a stop to this romance between your sister and his friend.
On your part, go on your knees to pray for your sister. She needs help and immediately too before she loses the love, respect and support of her husband as well as children. The reason you chanced on them is for you to stand in gap. There are so many things in life beyond our understanding and the more we ask questions, the more confused we become. In the school of life, one plus one don’t often add up to two. Unless your mother makes the efforts to wrestle your sister from this power overshadowing her, you will all share in her shame.
Good luck.
Dear Agatha,
Please I need your help urgently. I have just finished my secondary school education so I decided to spend few weeks with my eldest sister who is married with three children. Her eldest child is in JSS 3. It was my first time of staying over in her house despite efforts her husband has made to ensure my siblings and I treated his home as ours. My mother always had one excuse or the other for turning down his request for us to come for holidays.
After a while, he stopped asking us to come over but never stayed away from us. Every month, he would send my parents money as well as the rest of us. He also encouraged us to call him whenever we needed anything urgently. As a matter of fact he behaved more like the son and child of the family than my eldest sister. Many not familiar with our family history thought he was actually my mother’s child and my sister, his wife.
For reasons I didn’t know until recently, my sister and our mother were always at logger heads. And since neither of them was willing to say anything on the matter, we all decided it was the usual thing between eldest daugthers and their mothers.
On the occassions my father tried talking to my sister and mother about their soured relationship; it always ended with my mother challenging my sister to tell the world the real reasons for their misunderstanding. My mother on such occassions would tell my sister she regretted having her as a child.
Like us, my father gave up trying to broker peace between his daughter and wife.
The third day after I came, she encouraged me to go to the market to get some clothes for myself and told me to take my time. In my excitement at having such a huge money to play with, I forget my purse at home. I was almost in the market when I discovered I didn’t bring along my wallet containing the major money I wanted to use for shopping. The only money I had, was the N2,000.00 I kept inside my bag; the reason I didn’t discover my oversight until I got to the market.
I tried calling my sister since her shop was closer to where I was than the house but, her phone was switched off so I decided to go home to get my wallet.
I don’t know why I decided against going home as I planned. On impulse, I got down at her shop’s bus-stop. Just as I was about crossing the road, I noticed a car packed some distance from her shop; the car belonged to my father’s best friend. I was excited so made a dash for the car without thinking. Although the car had tinted glass, I could make out the form of my sister and father’s best friend kissing at the back of the car.
They must have seen me because my sister pushed him away, opened the door and gave me the most severe slap I have ever received. There was nothing she didn’t say, including the bit about my mother sending me to spy on her.
My father’s friend didn’t bother to come down, instead, he drove away from the scene.
I am very confused because I can’t just leave without telling my sister’s husband or my siblings and parents why I came back home only few days after I left to spend the holidays at my sister’s.
Agatha, please help me. I can’t stay with my sister anymore but, what do I say as my reason for leaving? I have lost every respect for her as my sister. The other issue has to do with my father’s friend. The man is like a brother to my father and was the chairman at my sister’s wedding ceremony. I know my sister has always been close to him, but I didn’t know they were involved.
Do you think I should tell my parents before he destroys my sister’s marriage? But, my sister is threatening to deal with me if I tell anybody what I witnessed. I am so confused about everything because she is one of the most responsible people I know.
Ewaoluwa
Dear Ewaoluwa,
You don’t have to tell your sister’s husband your real reason for leaving so suddenly. Simply tell your brother-in-law you are home sick and would want to go back home. There is no doubting the fact that your sister would gladly support your leaving as soon as possible.
The danger of staying has to do with the current mood your sister is in. In her present state of mind, there is no telling what she is capable of doing to you. She may not mean to really harm you but would have committed the act in anger before realising the import of what she has done. In situation like this, it always best to avoid regrettable circumstances.
Obviously, what you witnessed didn’t begin today and may not end because you saw the two of them in that intimate position. Your sister’s as well as your father’s best friend reactions show that they have gone too deep to care who is watching. It could have been anybody who walked in on them kissing in public. Therefore, if this marriage is going to break, don’t let the blame come from you. From the way both of them are carrying on, it is a matter of time for the two most important persons directly affected by this relationship to catch them in the act. But before then, avoid the cross and burden of being named in this mess.
Chances are your mother already knows but because she is a mother, has decided to deal with it the only way she knows how. This could be the reason the two of them don’t agree at all. Your mother is also avoiding being named as the cause of her daughter’s matrimonial problems. Often than not, people get very sentimental when issues like this comes up. Rather than address the real issue, they are forever looking for scape- goat to blame for their actions. Should you blow the lid on your sister extra marital affair to her husband, you would be her scapegoat since she is already alluding to you acting as spy for your mother. She would always find a way of making you appear to be a tale bearer which wouldn’t augur well for you especially as this is your first time staying in her house.
She can easily tell the world, it is to avoid problems in her marriage that she has always discouraged her siblings from coming to her home.
This is not to say you are supporting her, far from it but wisdom demands that certain things are best left to those who have the authority and right to say it. As her younger sister, one far her junior, you are not in a position to handle this matter or say anything beyond informing your mother, whose duty and perogative it is to inform your father.
In telling your mother, make it clear to her that your telling her isn’t to cause more problems between the two of them but for her to have a serious talk with your sister.
Honestly, this isn’t the time to reprimand her. Instead, it is the time for you and your mother to come together to pray for her. Obviously, there is more to this issue that meets the eyes. For a married woman to think nothing of kissing another man in public so near her shop, a place she is well known and where her husband or his family members can come without notice, underscores a nagging spiritual problem that may have nothing to do with her directly but a lot to do with your father.
Tell your mother, getting angry with your elder sister isn’t a solution. She must take an action to protect her daughter from herself. If nothing is done by her, to ensure she puts a stop to this situation, the shame won’t be only that of your sister but, of the entire family.
Encourage her it is also time for your father to be involved. He is the only one who has the capacity to confront his friend and apply the needed force to put a stop to this romance between your sister and his friend.
On your part, go on your knees to pray for your sister. She needs help and immediately too before she loses the love, respect and support of her husband as well as children. The reason you chanced on them is for you to stand in gap. There are so many things in life beyond our understanding and the more we ask questions, the more confused we become. In the school of life, one plus one don’t often add up to two. Unless your mother makes the efforts to wrestle your sister from this power overshadowing her, you will all share in her shame.
Good luck.
How highflying job ruined my home…
With Auntie Agatha,gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com,Tel: 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
Until I began to read you three years ago, I held the view that columns like yours were a sheer waste of newspapers’ space. But I have since come to realise through your efforts that people like you are not just doing great jobs, but that you are very gifted in what you are doing.
I know this problem may sound strange but I am really worried and afraid of its consequences on my home and life. What more, I feel I am responsible for it.
You see I married my wife a virgin 16 years ago. I married her a very timid and respectful woman. She trained as a teacher but from the very beginning of our marriage I made it clear I wanted a full time housewife.
From that time, she has remained at home tending to the children and me. I opened a shop near the house for her when she complained she was getting too bored doing nothing.
I really didn’t need the money from her because the salary I made as a top bank executive was more than enough for us to live in comfort.
Although my job was very demanding, I sometimes come home very late when the whole household was asleep. I naively thought she understood me very well.
Once or twice she I made attempt to protest my constant absence from home, but I always shoved aside such complaints. I reasoned she had no need to grumble because every year, she and the boys always visit any country of their choice. We have three children, all boys. The eldest is 15 while the youngest is nine.
I have never denied her anything within my powers to give. We have also never had any fundamental issue in our marriage. She does as I tell her. I was very much in charge of my home. At least, so I thought.
To make matters worse, I didn’t even perceive any change in her person or attitude until one afternoon on my way to an emergency meeting in Abuja, I came home to get some few clothes for the trip.
You can imagine my shock when I walked in on my wife and her lover. Right in my living room, he was kissing her. Needless to say, I couldn’t go for the meeting. I had to call on my deputy to go in my place. If I expected her to be remorseful, I was wrong. She told me it was over. That she was tired of playing second fiddle to my work. She told me that all the years we have been married, I have never treated her as a person. That the only time I know she is a woman is when I want to sleep with her. She told me to go and marry my work.
That night she didn’t bother to sleep at home. Fortunately, the kids were in boarding school, so I didn’t have to explain the whereabouts of their mother to anybody.
For two weeks, work was the last thing on my mind. It was the longest time I had been away from my desk without being on official duty.
When news of what happened in my home got to our families, my immediate younger sister and only sibling blamed me for neglect. She told me how many times she had come to my house and found my wife weeping and complaining about my attitude towards her. She took time to remind me of how she had tried to draw my attention to what I was doing to my marriage and self but that I didn’t listen.
My children also took side with their mother. As a matter of fact, my eldest son told me I wasn’t much of a father to any of them. He said, I should marry my job and money and leave their mother alone to be happy.
It has been six months without her and my children. It may sound strange but I have come to realise that certain things are more important in life than money, but I don’t know how to get her to even listen to me. I am a lonely man who needs his family back.
Agatha, please help me. I have forgiven her because I found out from my sister, that the date with the man I caught her with was her first and that they havent slept together. Through the efforts of my sister, she dropped the idea of filing for divorce. If there is one thing with her, she doesn’t lie.
I don’t know what to do to bring my sons and wife back. Please help me.
Zeb
Dear Zeb,
Go to her and your sons. We are all prone to making mistakes as we journey through life. The important thing about falling is our ability to rise again. Both of you have made mistakes and since you as the head of the home has come to that important place of realisation, that point when we take stock and know that we are responsible for the reactions of others around us, then solution is at hand.
Since your wife is close to your sister, get her to fix a meeting between the two of you. Even though you are willing to forgive and forget the past, there is the need for both of you to talk first. You have to know the deepness of her pains, disappointments, resentment, shame and determination to know how to approach the issue.
Don’t assume that simply because you have realised your mistakes, willing to forgive her and move your marriage on that she is keen on coming back to you.
Both of you must appreciate that for your marriage to survive its injury you must go back to the very beginning. You both need something vital and interesting from the past to navigate the future. Without the memory of your early days, even you may get to a point of regrets later down the road. Just like she has to answer the vital question of whether you are enough for her, you must answer the question of whether you will be able to delete from your memory the sight of her in another man’s arms.
Will you ever be able to trust her; beat your chest that she is with you all the way? I ask these questions not to discourage you but to make sure that you have really put this nasty experience behind you. The tragedy of asking her to come back while you are still holding her to her mistake would be too much for you, your children and marriage to bear. This is why you must exorcise completely the damage that incident did to your psychology as a man.
It is also important you get to hear from her what she intends to do with that relationship. Though it sounds out of place to discuss your wife’s other relationship with her but given the reality on ground, it is important you also get to hear from her and know where you actually stand with her. It would be dangerous for you all now to assume that she still want the same thing as you do.
Bear in mind she has suffered emotionally longer than you have done and has had more time to think of her options. It may not be easy changing her mind in a day. This is where you have to draw into the hertiage of your past. If she is right that you have never had time for her due to your work schedule, how do you plan to resolve that problem? How are you going to make out time for her now when you have never seemed to be able to do that? This is one question you must have a ready answer for before meeting her. Frankly, this is the crux of all these problems you are having in this marriage. You have to go to her with a solid arrangement to convince her that you are also willing to make the necessary sacrifice for the marriage.
One thing you must never overlook is this, a woman that has made up her mind to leave her home for another man must have given a lot of thoughts to the consequences. And for your children who are boys and your only sibling to go with her shows that she does have a point. She may be condemned for her decision but you pushed her into it.
The fact that you could delegate when you walked in on her and the other man, stayed at home for sometime after she left shows that all along you were simply using the job as an excuse to stay away from the home. It may not have been your intentions in the beginning, but over the years it actually became one for you to escape staying at home. Do you know the reason you have been running away from your home and family all these years? The knowledge is integral to the successful resolution of this issue between your family and you.
Even if you have made up your mind to leave the job, to have more time with them, you must be honest to admit why you have all these years deliberately neglected your family. Such admission would be of assistance to your wife in knowing where to pay more attention to in her appearance, home or relationship with you. It would also explain a lot of things, which until now have been a source of concern to her, like you having affairs outside the home. You will have to explain so many things to her and later to the children too.
The bottom line is that you must be ready to make extreme sacrifices while seeking this peace.
Above all, appeal to God who has all our hearts in the palms of his hands to intervene in this matter.
Good luck.
Dear Agatha,
Until I began to read you three years ago, I held the view that columns like yours were a sheer waste of newspapers’ space. But I have since come to realise through your efforts that people like you are not just doing great jobs, but that you are very gifted in what you are doing.
I know this problem may sound strange but I am really worried and afraid of its consequences on my home and life. What more, I feel I am responsible for it.
You see I married my wife a virgin 16 years ago. I married her a very timid and respectful woman. She trained as a teacher but from the very beginning of our marriage I made it clear I wanted a full time housewife.
From that time, she has remained at home tending to the children and me. I opened a shop near the house for her when she complained she was getting too bored doing nothing.
I really didn’t need the money from her because the salary I made as a top bank executive was more than enough for us to live in comfort.
Although my job was very demanding, I sometimes come home very late when the whole household was asleep. I naively thought she understood me very well.
Once or twice she I made attempt to protest my constant absence from home, but I always shoved aside such complaints. I reasoned she had no need to grumble because every year, she and the boys always visit any country of their choice. We have three children, all boys. The eldest is 15 while the youngest is nine.
I have never denied her anything within my powers to give. We have also never had any fundamental issue in our marriage. She does as I tell her. I was very much in charge of my home. At least, so I thought.
To make matters worse, I didn’t even perceive any change in her person or attitude until one afternoon on my way to an emergency meeting in Abuja, I came home to get some few clothes for the trip.
You can imagine my shock when I walked in on my wife and her lover. Right in my living room, he was kissing her. Needless to say, I couldn’t go for the meeting. I had to call on my deputy to go in my place. If I expected her to be remorseful, I was wrong. She told me it was over. That she was tired of playing second fiddle to my work. She told me that all the years we have been married, I have never treated her as a person. That the only time I know she is a woman is when I want to sleep with her. She told me to go and marry my work.
That night she didn’t bother to sleep at home. Fortunately, the kids were in boarding school, so I didn’t have to explain the whereabouts of their mother to anybody.
For two weeks, work was the last thing on my mind. It was the longest time I had been away from my desk without being on official duty.
When news of what happened in my home got to our families, my immediate younger sister and only sibling blamed me for neglect. She told me how many times she had come to my house and found my wife weeping and complaining about my attitude towards her. She took time to remind me of how she had tried to draw my attention to what I was doing to my marriage and self but that I didn’t listen.
My children also took side with their mother. As a matter of fact, my eldest son told me I wasn’t much of a father to any of them. He said, I should marry my job and money and leave their mother alone to be happy.
It has been six months without her and my children. It may sound strange but I have come to realise that certain things are more important in life than money, but I don’t know how to get her to even listen to me. I am a lonely man who needs his family back.
Agatha, please help me. I have forgiven her because I found out from my sister, that the date with the man I caught her with was her first and that they havent slept together. Through the efforts of my sister, she dropped the idea of filing for divorce. If there is one thing with her, she doesn’t lie.
I don’t know what to do to bring my sons and wife back. Please help me.
Zeb
Dear Zeb,
Go to her and your sons. We are all prone to making mistakes as we journey through life. The important thing about falling is our ability to rise again. Both of you have made mistakes and since you as the head of the home has come to that important place of realisation, that point when we take stock and know that we are responsible for the reactions of others around us, then solution is at hand.
Since your wife is close to your sister, get her to fix a meeting between the two of you. Even though you are willing to forgive and forget the past, there is the need for both of you to talk first. You have to know the deepness of her pains, disappointments, resentment, shame and determination to know how to approach the issue.
Don’t assume that simply because you have realised your mistakes, willing to forgive her and move your marriage on that she is keen on coming back to you.
Both of you must appreciate that for your marriage to survive its injury you must go back to the very beginning. You both need something vital and interesting from the past to navigate the future. Without the memory of your early days, even you may get to a point of regrets later down the road. Just like she has to answer the vital question of whether you are enough for her, you must answer the question of whether you will be able to delete from your memory the sight of her in another man’s arms.
Will you ever be able to trust her; beat your chest that she is with you all the way? I ask these questions not to discourage you but to make sure that you have really put this nasty experience behind you. The tragedy of asking her to come back while you are still holding her to her mistake would be too much for you, your children and marriage to bear. This is why you must exorcise completely the damage that incident did to your psychology as a man.
It is also important you get to hear from her what she intends to do with that relationship. Though it sounds out of place to discuss your wife’s other relationship with her but given the reality on ground, it is important you also get to hear from her and know where you actually stand with her. It would be dangerous for you all now to assume that she still want the same thing as you do.
Bear in mind she has suffered emotionally longer than you have done and has had more time to think of her options. It may not be easy changing her mind in a day. This is where you have to draw into the hertiage of your past. If she is right that you have never had time for her due to your work schedule, how do you plan to resolve that problem? How are you going to make out time for her now when you have never seemed to be able to do that? This is one question you must have a ready answer for before meeting her. Frankly, this is the crux of all these problems you are having in this marriage. You have to go to her with a solid arrangement to convince her that you are also willing to make the necessary sacrifice for the marriage.
One thing you must never overlook is this, a woman that has made up her mind to leave her home for another man must have given a lot of thoughts to the consequences. And for your children who are boys and your only sibling to go with her shows that she does have a point. She may be condemned for her decision but you pushed her into it.
The fact that you could delegate when you walked in on her and the other man, stayed at home for sometime after she left shows that all along you were simply using the job as an excuse to stay away from the home. It may not have been your intentions in the beginning, but over the years it actually became one for you to escape staying at home. Do you know the reason you have been running away from your home and family all these years? The knowledge is integral to the successful resolution of this issue between your family and you.
Even if you have made up your mind to leave the job, to have more time with them, you must be honest to admit why you have all these years deliberately neglected your family. Such admission would be of assistance to your wife in knowing where to pay more attention to in her appearance, home or relationship with you. It would also explain a lot of things, which until now have been a source of concern to her, like you having affairs outside the home. You will have to explain so many things to her and later to the children too.
The bottom line is that you must be ready to make extreme sacrifices while seeking this peace.
Above all, appeal to God who has all our hearts in the palms of his hands to intervene in this matter.
Good luck.
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