I’m in love with a violent man

With Auntie Agatha gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com Tel: 08054500626

Dear Agatha,

I am 23 years of age. I started dating my boyfriend when I was in my final year in secondary school. He actually helped me to secure admission into the university since I didn’t go through the right channel.
Because of this, I have remained in his debt. He beats me, flirts, behaves as he likes and does other things that really hurt me. Severally, he has poured hot soup on me simply because I protest against his numerous women.
Twice I have made feeble attempts to leave him, but deep down I know I can’t because he has an inexplicable hold over me. Apart from what I feel for him, he can be very violent and has promised to eliminate my entire family, himself and me if I ever leave him for another man. Knowing him as much as I do, this isn’t an empty threat. Once he locked me in the room when I refused to make love with him and brought out a sharp object to eliminate both of us if I don’t do what he wanted.
A lot of my friends have tried talking to me about this abusive relationship. I know he is bad for me, but I don’t know what to do. The funny thing is that he comes back to beg after such misbehavior. 
Another reason for my handicap has to do with the help he offered me in getting my admission. He is capable of exposing everything to the world and where would that leave me?
Another thing is that I am pregnant, and unfortunately for me the doctor I went to is his friend, and has told him about it. So there is no way of escaping marrying him. 
Please, Agatha, what do I do now? This man is capable of killing me one day but I am very helpless. I don’t have a mother and don’t know how to end this relationship. I am also afraid the baby would end up being as violent as the father just like a friend of mine pointed out. What do you think?
I am really scared. Please help me. I don’t want to die young and cannot abort the baby because there is a prophecy that if I attempt it I would die.

Yeni.

Dear Yeni,
Aside from the prophecy, the baby is a gift from God. So don’t even think of removing it. You appeared to have made one mistake already, don’t be in a haste to make another one. You may not be comfortable with the attitude of the father but the baby is innocent. Invest love in the baby and give it proper training.
A lot of the time, we are the kind of training we got from our parents. Your boyfriend is who he is, because of the kind of training he got and the company he keeps. Even if your child inherits this aspect of his character, you can help the child overcome it by showing him or her true and undiluted love.
Usually, children manifest their kind of nature when young. From that point, the mother has the task of moulding the child to what she wants him or her to become. The mistake most mothers make is to ignore these traits or attribute them to the age of the child. Sometimes too, these kinds of behaviour come from over-indulgence on the part of the mother. If nothing is done early enough, by the time the mother feels the need to introduce discipline, it becomes almost impossible and a future problem to the spouse.
The key to helping this child come to full maturity lies with you. As a mother your duties and responsibilities go beyond giving birth to the child. It includes pointing the child to the right direction through the words of God.
As for your relationship with the man, the choice to stay depends solely on what you want from life. If you enjoy being beaten and humiliated, you can stay. But if you don’t, be bold to confront him on what you think of his attitude towards you. From all indications, this man lacks respect for your person and feelings. Whatever your own shortcomings are, he hasn’t the right to beat you. It shows a man who is completely lacking in self-control and maturity in handling women.
And if he keeps beating you at this stage of your relationship, when he should be courting you, making himself attractive to you so that you can agree to marry him, how do you think he would treat you when you are both married? That he helped you secure admission in your school isn’t an excuse for him to threaten or keep beating you anytime he feels like.
No love is worth any violence. While it is natural for couple to quarrel, at times even violent ones, what is happening in your relationship is, however unhealthy, as it has become a pattern. If you don’t build up the courage now to face this situation and give it the kind of attention you may not live long to even enjoy being mother to your children.
What if the hot soup he poured on you had left you with permanent injury, handicapped for life? What kind of story would you be telling your family? Grow up! No love can be greater than the love to stay alive? Your sustaining a relationship is dependent on your being alive. If you die from injuries you sustain from being constantly beaten by him, this guy would eventually marry another woman. The loss won’t be his but that of your family who would have lost a promising daughter and you would have lost a life God intended for greatness.
I am sure God didn’t create you to be a punching bag for a man who is probably learning how to be a world-class boxing champion. If this man has no respect for you, learn to give yourself some respect. He is treating you this way because he knows you are weak and handicapped by your desire to stay in school at all cost.
Resist being blackmailed by him to stay in this relationship. Life is too beautiful, fragile and short for this kind of lifestyle you plan with this man.
Whatever your fears are now, you can bet they are far less than the kind of life you would have if after witnessing and experiencing all these dangerous signs, you still go ahead to marry him.
That you are pregnant for him isn’t also a reason for you to marry him. Every child deserves happiness and peaceful home to grow in. So do you, as a young woman, just starting out her life. If you are being treated by your man as a second-class citizen, one who lacks the ability to think or feel anything. What kind of respect do you think your child would have for you?
Honestly, you are still beating about the bush and clearly not being very honest with yourself concerning the real reason you are putting up with his character. Unless you are able to do without that secret thing you are not saying, you will never be able to end this relationship. You need to admit to the real truth behind your story and plight to fuel your determination to resist him permanently.
The best way is to weigh this thing you are not saying and the worth of your own life. How much does your life mean to you? Is that thing worth dying for? Value your life appropriately, it is the only way to either move on or opt out of this relationship.
You also have to go to take a trip to the very beginning of this relationship. Can you tell the mistakes you made at the beginning? Unless there is something very wrong with him, he alone couldn’t have destroyed this relationship to this extent. Knowing those things you didn’t do right at the inception of your relationship would also help you avoid many of the mistakes this relationship has become.
One way of ending it is to simply walk away and threaten to inform the Police about threats he has made to kill you and your entire family. Also tell your family. And if you have brothers, let them go to him. More often than not, bullies die many times before their death. Once he knows the Police is involved as well as your family, he would be cautious in his dealings with you.
Good luck.