I caught my married sister kissing our father’s best friend

With Auntie Agatha gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com Tel: 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
Please I need your help urgently. I have just finished my secondary school education so I decided to spend few weeks with my eldest sister who is married with three children. Her eldest child is in JSS 3. It was my first time of staying over in her house despite efforts her husband has made to ensure my siblings and I treated his home as ours. My mother always had one excuse or the other for turning down his request for us to come for holidays.
After a while, he stopped asking us to come over but never stayed away from us. Every month, he would send my parents money as well as the rest of us. He also encouraged us to call him whenever we needed anything urgently. As a matter of fact he behaved more like the son and child of the family than my eldest sister. Many not familiar with our family history thought he was actually my mother’s child and my sister, his wife.
For reasons I didn’t know until recently, my sister and our mother were always at logger heads. And since neither of them was willing to say anything on the matter, we all decided it was the usual thing between eldest daugthers and their mothers.
On the occassions my father tried talking to my sister and mother about their soured relationship; it always ended with my mother challenging my sister to tell the world the real reasons for their misunderstanding. My mother on such occassions would tell my sister she regretted having her as a child.
Like us, my father gave up trying to broker peace between his daughter and wife.
The third day after I came, she encouraged me to go to the market to get some clothes for myself and told me to take my time. In my excitement at having such a huge money to play with, I forget my purse at home. I was almost in the market when I discovered I didn’t bring along my wallet containing the major money I wanted to use for shopping. The only money I had, was the N2,000.00 I kept inside my bag; the reason I didn’t discover my oversight until I got to the market.
I tried calling my sister since her shop was closer to where I was than the house but, her phone was switched off so I decided to go home to get my wallet.
I don’t know why I decided against going home as I planned. On impulse, I got down at her shop’s bus-stop. Just as I was about crossing the road, I noticed a car packed some distance from her shop; the car belonged to my father’s best friend. I was excited so made a dash for the car without thinking. Although the car had tinted glass, I could make out the form of my sister and father’s best friend kissing at the back of the car.
They must have seen me because my sister pushed him away, opened the door and gave me the most severe slap I have ever received. There was nothing she didn’t say, including the bit about my mother sending me to spy on her.
My father’s friend didn’t bother to come down, instead, he drove away from the scene.
I am very confused because I can’t just leave without telling my sister’s husband or my siblings and parents why I came back home only few days after I left to spend the holidays at my sister’s.
Agatha, please help me. I can’t stay with my sister anymore but, what do I say as my reason for leaving? I have lost every respect for her as my sister. The other issue has to do with my father’s friend. The man is like a brother to my father and was the chairman at my sister’s wedding ceremony. I know my sister has always been close to him, but I didn’t know they were involved.
Do you think I should tell my parents before he destroys my sister’s marriage? But, my sister is threatening to deal with me if I tell anybody what I witnessed. I am so confused about everything because she is one of the most responsible people I know.
Ewaoluwa

Dear Ewaoluwa,
You don’t have to tell your sister’s husband your real reason for leaving so suddenly. Simply tell your brother-in-law you are home sick and would want to go back home. There is no doubting the fact that your sister would gladly support your leaving as soon as possible.
The danger of staying has to do with the current mood your sister is in. In her present state of mind, there is no telling what she is capable of doing to you. She may not mean to really harm you but would have committed the act in anger before realising the import of what she has done. In situation like this, it always best to avoid regrettable circumstances.
Obviously, what you witnessed didn’t begin today and may not end because you saw the two of them in that intimate position. Your sister’s as well as your father’s best friend reactions show that they have gone too deep to care who is watching. It could have been anybody who walked in on them kissing in public. Therefore, if this marriage is going to break, don’t let the blame come from you. From the way both of them are carrying on, it is a matter of time for the two most important persons directly affected by this relationship to catch them in the act. But before then, avoid the cross and burden of being named in this mess.
Chances are your mother already knows but because she is a mother, has decided to deal with it the only way she knows how. This could be the reason the two of them don’t agree at all. Your mother is also avoiding being named as the cause of her daughter’s matrimonial problems. Often than not, people get very sentimental when issues like this comes up. Rather than address the real issue, they are forever looking for scape- goat to blame for their actions. Should you blow the lid on your sister extra marital affair to her husband, you would be her scapegoat since she is already alluding to you acting as spy for your mother. She would always find a way of making you appear to be a tale bearer which wouldn’t augur well for you especially as this is your first time staying in her house.
She can easily tell the world, it is to avoid problems in her marriage that she has always discouraged her siblings from coming to her home.
This is not to say you are supporting her, far from it but wisdom demands that certain things are best left to those who have the authority and right to say it. As her younger sister, one far her junior, you are not in a position to handle this matter or say anything beyond informing your mother, whose duty and perogative it is to inform your father.
In telling your mother, make it clear to her that your telling her isn’t to cause more problems between the two of them but for her to have a serious talk with your sister.
Honestly, this isn’t the time to reprimand her. Instead, it is the time for you and your mother to come together to pray for her. Obviously, there is more to this issue that meets the eyes. For a married woman to think nothing of kissing another man in public so near her shop, a place she is well known and where her husband or his family members can come without notice, underscores a nagging spiritual problem that may have nothing to do with her directly but a lot to do with your father.
Tell your mother, getting angry with your elder sister isn’t a solution. She must take an action to protect her daughter from herself. If nothing is done by her, to ensure she puts a stop to this situation, the shame won’t be only that of your sister but, of the entire family.
Encourage her it is also time for your father to be involved. He is the only one who has the capacity to confront his friend and apply the needed force to put a stop to this romance between your sister and his friend.
On your part, go on your knees to pray for your sister. She needs help and immediately too before she loses the love, respect and support of her husband as well as children. The reason you chanced on them is for you to stand in gap. There are so many things in life beyond our understanding and the more we ask questions, the more confused we become. In the school of life, one plus one don’t often add up to two. Unless your mother makes the efforts to wrestle your sister from this power overshadowing her, you will all share in her shame.
Good luck.