He doesn’t want me again…

With Auntie Agatha,gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.comTel: 08054500626

Dear Agatha,
Four years ago, I wrote to you about the problem I was going through in my marriage. I shared with you how my husband got our maid pregnant and how he blamed the act on my not always being around. 
In your reply to my mail, you equally blamed me for the incident in my home. Your reply really got me very angry. I thought, as a woman too, you should support me like most of my friends were doing at that time. My mother too didn’t support me then. She, like you, also said I pushed my husband into the arms of our maid.
I was very angry with her too and refused to listen to what both of you said about my not quitting my home for the housemaid. 
Since I had more than enough money of my own, I packed out of the house with my children. My two eldest children, who were in boarding school, refused to move with me, so I left with the younger ones.
Initially, I enjoyed the freedom to go and come, as I liked. I could stay in the office for as long as I wanted. It was very easy for me since I decided to send the children to boarding school too. My experience with my housemaid prompted my decision to put them in boarding school so I won’t have any need to employ someone to help me with them.
During this time, my husband and his entire family came to beg me to come back. There was nothing they didn’t do to make me change my mind. My mother and her sisters too came to beg me. My mother even volunteered to take care of the child herself. I refused.
Even when she gave birth, the lady came to beg me to please come back home to my husband; that she didn’t want anything to do with my home. Her parents too came to beg but I drove all of them away. 
My friends kept urging me not to go back. Two of these friends were divorcees, while three were single mothers. We had enough time to go out for two years my husband kept on begging me. My children too wanted me back but I told them it was over between their father and I. He stopped coming to my house when he met a man I was dating in the house.
A month after that incident, I filed for a divorce. My husband didn’t bother to contest it. I was free to marry my lover as he has expressed a desire for it.
Unfortunately, the moment I became free to remarry, I noticed he didn’t want me anymore. He kept coming up with one excuse or the other anytime I expressed the need for us to move on.
It was not until one day when a woman came to my office to fight me for keeping her man away from her, that I realised he lied about being divorced.  
In the last one year, I have discovered that I really want to go back to my husband having discovered what you said then in your advice to me that all men are the same and that I should stay put in my home.
All the things you said back then about being patient, creating time for my family and taking the child over as my own and doing everything to win back my husband are all coming back to me. Last month, I went to his office to see me. At least he was civil enough to let me in but from the looks on his face, I knew my mission to beg him to take me back was doomed.
Nobody in my family or his is ready to go with me to beg. His best friend declined to go with me reminding me of how I drove them all away when they came.
From my children, I know there is nobody in his life and that my former housemaid hasn’t come back to the house since I left. More investigations reveal that the girl is back in the village with her child. My husband only sends money for their upkeep. 
I now realise that my friends actually misled me and all I want is to go back to my husband. I have since forgiven him.
Agatha, help me. He is a great fan of yours.
Abbey.
 
Dear Abbey,
There is an adage that says, the mess you refuse to clean up in the beginning soon becomes so huge and too messy for one person to handle. It is unfortunately that you allowed an issue you should have long buried to tarry to this moment. You frittered the rare opportunity you had of becoming the heroine in the eyes of your husband, his family and friends.
Honestly, not everyman would do what he did, come to beg even when it was your carelessness that gave birth to the situation in the first place. Another man would have called your bluff the moment the other woman’s pregnancy became public knowledge. He would insist on marrying her whether you liked the idea or not.
If everybody were misleading you, would your mother also have misled you? She, more than anyone else, had reasons to ask you to pack up the marriage but she didn’t because she knows from experience that the pains of disppointment lessens as each day goes bye.
She also knew that there is no marriage without its set of challenges and disappointments. That was why you should have applied patience and wisdom in your handling of the issue.
Frankly, if your husband refuses to take you back, nobody would blame him. He did everything he should have done to bring you back home. It couldn’t have been easy for him getting his family and yours to come and beg on his behalf. It showed a man who knew he had wronged you.
The divorce and meeting the other man in your place while he was still begging you to come back to him are now the twin problems that could make your bid to come back difficult. 
Besides, would you have considered coming back to him if everything had gone well between you and the other man? Before going back to plead with your husband, you must find answer to this question. Like you have information about him, he too may know what transpired between you and your lover. And would rightly wonder if you are coming back because you have realised your mistake or because you were left high and dry by the other man.
He isn’t the only one you would be explaining this to. You must tell everybody you hope to enlist in your bid to come back to your home the truth.  
Beyond the issue of enlisting people to plead on your behalf, you must take certain steps on your own to convince him that you are indeed sorry for your behaviour. 
It is also important you understand that you are no longer his wife. You are now just the mother of his children like the other lady is. Granted you were once married to him, the divorce you got has neutralised whatever rights you think you had over him.
Therefore, if he decides to walk you away from his home, don’t insist on anything or try to claim a right you no longer have. Simply walk away, but keep pleading with him through text messages.
Another thing you should do as a matter of urgency is to find your former maid and her child. Make your peace with them and if you have the time, encourage her to bring the child to you while your children are on holidays. Even if your husband refuses to listen ensure you are involved in the life of that child. Send monthly allowances to them as a token for their upkeep and if there is anything you can to make them more comfortable please do it. The village can’t really be a good alternative for her. 
Besides, the reason she came to work for you is to enhance her life as well as that of her family. Seeing her in the village with your stepchild will never make her family happy. If you bring her back to help her give more meaning to her life, you will not only be saving your children from future stress of bad blood that would arise from this kind of arrangment but ensuring this whole episode is finally put behind you.
No matter how hardhearted your husband is about you, once he sees your attempt to undo all the wrongs of the past, overtime he would warm up to the idea of hearing from you.
The fact that he refused to bring her home or any other woman for that matter shows that his feelings for you are really deep. Not many men would still be single for years after especially as you both divorced.
Beg your children to plead on your behalf, especially the eldest ones that stayed back with him. They cannot be happy seeing both of you living apart. Children have greater influence on their fathers than mothers. 
I am sure if you dig deep into your knowledge of him, you will remember something he adores absolutely about you. Something he cannot resist that makes him go soft even when he is angry. This is the time you need that weapon to get him to at least grant you an audience.
Above all, go to God in prayers. Plead for His assistance in this matter. We are all prodigals before God. He has the powers to soften the heart of your husband. Ensure you begin your attempt with Him in it. 
In addition to making your peace with God, go around your in-laws and family members to make peace with them. It is important your mother and mother-in-law forgive you.
Good luck.