I’m pregnant for my married ex

With Agatha Edo,Email:womaneditor@independentngonline.com,gataedo@yahoo.com or agatha.edo@gmail.com,08054500626

Dear Agatha

Please help me. I don’t know what to do about my situation. There is this man I have always loved but he got married to another woman.
The problem started when I traveled out of the country for two years. On the day I arrived England, I lost my address book so couldn’t get in touch with anyone at home for a long time. By the time I was able to get through to him, he was already dating another woman who he eventually got married to.
When I came back, I decided to begin my life all over again but unfortunately, none of the relationships I went into worked.
I also got to know that my old boyfriend had relocated to Abuja with his family so I didn’t bother myself to look for him. Deep down I knew I was still very much in love with him and would have done anything to have him back. Therefore, the knowledge that he wasn’t in Lagos anymore pleased me.
But all that changed when we ran into each other again in Lagos. I went to the local wing of the airport to drop a cousin of mine when I saw him at the car park looking for a taxi to take him to town. Needless to say, I gave him a lift to where he was going. We exchanged numbers. An hour after dropping him, he called to know where I was. Since I was on leave, I gave him my home address and that was my undoing as we ended up being intimate that day.
From that moment, there was no looking back. Even when I knew I was taking so much of his time, I didn’t feel bad; he had always been mine.
Although, I knew the relationship wasn’t heading anywhere, I was willing to take my chances. I never really stopped loving him.
But, there is a problem; I am pregnant and he is insisting I abort the pregnancy. I really want to since I am not keen on being a single parent but, none of the doctors we went to want to risk their certificate. All three of them say my womb is too tender and that I could lose my womb or life if anything is done to the pregnancy.
For selfish reasons, I want this baby but God knows I am not ready to destroy any woman’s marriage. He hasn’t said anything about me getting rid of the pregnancy after what the doctors said but I don’t want to have this baby outside wedlock.
Please tell me what to do before the pregnancy becomes too obvious.
Pat

Dear Pat,
This is difficult. Either way, you are the loser in this game you have played. If you decide to abort the baby, you will either die or have a damaged womb; for a woman, there is nothing worse than such a sentence; knowing that by your own choices, you have become barren.
On the other hand, you would not only be destroying another woman’s marriage but, causing problems for your child in the father’s house. There is no way your child can have the best of the father or the siblings in this condition. No matter how hard he tries to be involved, there will always be hindrances and resistance from his wife and other children.
There is no way the woman and her children would not feel cheated by you. They would think that the idea to have the child was deliberate, a ploy to drive away their mother. Only you would know that it wasn’t; that circumstances forced the situation on you.
As it is now, be prepared to be a single parent. You have done enough damage to yourself and this man’s marriage. Don’t complicate things any further. He may have been your man before he got married, but he is no longer yours. He belongs to another woman in whose shoes you would feel very bad if you were her.
Don’t forget she had nothing to do with what happened between you and your ex. If God had wanted you two to be an item, you would not have misplaced your address book or not have his number in your memory bank. That you didn’t and couldn’t get in touch with him or anybody who could give you his number shows that your separation was divine.
It is funny how we remember God when things go wrong. Had you taken your time to examine your relationship as at the time you met again, you won’t be in this mess. And even when you got back together, you could have prevented the pregnancy if really you weren’t planning on keeping him forever. The fact that you felt you owned him is a pointer to what you actually had in mind when you re-entered into a relationship with him.
He won’t insist you terminate it because your life is at stake. He expects you to make the right decision. The only right thing is for you to free this man of any obligation to you and your child. Unfortunately, this is what the situation you have found yourself in demands.
Assure him that you are not ready to bother him whether or not he takes care of the baby and you. It may not be easy for you initially but give him the freedom to make his choice. This way, he would be convinced that this child isn’t something you planned to use in destroying his home. He may understand that medically you may not survive an abortion, but would he appreciate that you forced him into having a child outside matrimony? He may still have feelings for you but no man appreciates being forced into a situation he didn’t plan for.
If you don’t handle this situation with wisdom and maturity, overtime, he would begin to bear a grudge against you. There is no way your child will not be affected by his feelings towards you. Men have a way of transferring their feelings for the mother of a child to the child.
Besides, you have to resist being the reason for the break-up of this marriage. It is too late for you to undo the damage of your involvement with him. But there is a lot you can do about ensuring this marriage survives your intrusion into their lives.
By giving him space to deal with the reality of having a baby outside his marriage, informing his wife about it; you are signalling your determination to make amends for your role in this whole affair.
Granted it takes two to tangle and that he cannot be completely exonerated in this whole thing, the fact remains that it is the responsibility of a woman to keep things light. You are the mother of this child hence your responsibility to ensure you do everything to procure peace and happiness for it. Every man given the kind of opportunity you gave him would react in the same way. If you had insisted on not going the length you went with him, he wouldn’t have forced you.
By taking responsibility for your actions, you are giving his marriage a chance to heal and helping yourself revive your life once again. This time out would help you think of what is important to you. Now that a child is on the way, it would do you a world of good, to begin to think ahead. This kind of attitude would go a long way in helping you put the important things in focus.
Good luck.