Arranged marriage: My daughter won’t toe the line

With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
How do I persuade my daughter to marry the man her father wants her to marry? She wants to marry the man she has been dating since her first year at the university while her father wants her to marry the son of his best friend.
She is 29 and as stubborn as her father. Even though I am forced by situation to support my husband on this, I want my daughter to be happy. Like my husband, I am of the view that it is in her interest she marries the son of a friend than a total stranger. Both of them grew up together as friends and this is why the two families feel they would make an ideal couple.
She, on the other hand, says it is either we allow her marry her choice of a husband or she would remain single.
We have been on this issue since last year and it is causing so much tension in my home. I am also getting irritated with my daughter over this issue. There is nothing I haven’t done or said to make her change her mind.
Already the father is blaming me for her attitude. He says if I don’t convince her to marry this boy, my daughter and I should pack out of the house.
I don’t know what to do again as both of them are very stubborn. Although the boy she wants to marry isn’t doing bad, but the issue is that the son of my husband’s friend is well established and very gentle. He is very capable of looking after our daughter besides the fact that their marriage will solidify the relationship we have built for several decades.
What do I do to make my daughter listen to me?
Mrs.
Ibe.


Dear Mrs. Ibe,
As a woman, how would you feel if you were being forced against your will to spend the rest of your life with a man you feel nothing for? This has nothing to do with your daughter being stubborn but has a lot to do with what she feels and how she has planned her life.
The fact that you and your husband are her parents does not give you both the right to govern her life.  She is old enough to know what she wants from life. Our jobs as parents is to help point our in the right direction. Even God recognises our inherent right to our personnal decision, which is why He gave us the freewill to make choice.
There is no greater teacher like experience. Even if you think her choice is all wrong for her, there is no way she can be convinced of this if you don’t allow her to make her mistake. I am sure, your present insight into whatever you think is wrong with her choice is borne out of experience. Without it, none of us would ever grow or acquire the kind of wisdom needed to make the world a better place.
If there is one thing we cannot do for our children, no matter how much we love them, is to live with them in their marriages. There is no way you and your husband can abandon your own marriage to be with your daughter all the time just as you won’t sleep well in your bed if the only reports you get from her are woes and pains.
Beyond this, there is also the danger of her going outside her home to be with the man she really loves and respects. How would you feel if your daughter is caught in adultery? You should know from experience that women seldom respect or make sacrifices for the men they don’t like, let alone love. Your marriage is still on because somewhere in your heart and memory you remember how your early days were, how you thought the world began and ended with your husband. These feelings never go away and are of tremendous help when disappointments and regrets come up in the journey of marriage. It is the power of these feelings that make the woman go extra mile, endure when the man misbehaves, understands with him when things are not working at all.
A certain amount of feelings must be involved on your daughter’s part to enable her remember to give her man the kind of respect he deserves at all times. These are things you cannot force or decree her to feel. She has to learn to grow them on her own.
Besides, there is nothing stopping her from deliberately working towards the failure of the marriage, if at the end of the day you succeed in getting her to marry this man her father has chosen for her. She could, to make a point, agree to marry him and make life very unbearable for him to punish you and your husband as well as earn her freedom to do what she wants with her life.
More often than not, when children are forced into doing things they don’t want to do; make decisions they have nothing to do with, the parents are usually the ones that have the headaches at the end of the day.
You are the mother and wife to both of them. Your best approach is not to take sides with either of them. Insist on fairness to prevent more headaches in the future. There is no way you will be able to rest in peace knowing that your daughter’s happiness was sold for sentimental values your husband feels about keeping a friendship that has nothing to do with your daughter. At the end of the day, what would be your gain if this friendship is preserved and your daughter unable to find the right kind of happiness every woman craves for in her marriage?
How would you feel if she never forgives you for being party to her endless stories of marital woes? Do you realise that you are in danger of losing the respect, trust, and friendship mothers look forward to when their daughters grow up and have families of their own? How would you feel if you have to beg her to bring your grandchildren when ordinarily you should be the one they tilt towards to and want to be with?
No matter how difficult your husband is, having lived with him all these years, you must have the antidote to soften him. It is time for his sake as well as yours to make him see reason. Let him know, no relationship is worth his daughter’s happiness; that if the relationship is strong, founded on the right values, it doesn’t need the sacrifice of the happiness of these two innocent children to survive.
In trying to make your husband realise the implication of his demands, ask him, how would he feel if his daughter ends up being miserable in her marriage? If she is unable to forgive him or give him the kind of respect, he deserves from her as the father?
Explain to him the possibility of her having extramarital affairs. He may not understand that women too have feelings but hearing it from you that love is what makes a woman remain faithful to her man may make him have second thoughts on this issue.
If he fails to listen to you, make it clear to him that you are not going to be party to his plans to mortgage the happiness of your daughter.
He may be stubborn about it because he knows you are on his side. Once he knows he no longer has your full support, he would think twice because inspite of his display of stubborness he knows he cannot cope with the implication of his actions when it comes full circle.
Don’t relent in being the go between father and daughter.  Use whatever you have as a woman and his wife to go insure your daughter’s happiness. As a mother, you should never be too tired of ensuring that your children are happy no matter their age and position. If you have to go on your knees on behalf of your daughter, do so. What should be of major concern to you is her happiness at the end of the day.
Thereafter, arrange for your daughter to bring the man home to meet with your husband. Ensure you prepare your daughter and the man, give him tips on the kind of things to say, do or gifts to soften his mind.
Back up your efforts with prayers. It is important for the unity of your home as nobody goes to bed with fire on the roof.
Good luck.