Help! Parents Persecute Me For Changing My Faith

Dear Agatha,

I live in one of the Islamic states in Nigeria. I recently moved over to a new faith called Christianity and since then it has not been easy for me. This is because I come from a very strong Islamic family.

Before my conversion, I repeatedly kept having strange dreams of a different calling but didn’t understand what these dreams were about as at then.

Thank God I now understand the messages all the dreams were trying to convey. One Sunday, without telling anybody in the house except my sister, I went into a place I had never entered before and which until that point irritated me to my bone.
But on this particular Sunday, a power beyond my comprehension took me to that particular church, a small place but one I am glad I went into. It was smoothening to my soul. I met new friends who all embraced and welcomed me as if they had known me all my life.

Almost immediately, the news started spreading in the community that I had committed an abomination because my father, an Alhaji, is also an Iman in a mosque.

I was supposed to take after him being the only son of the family of 26 children and four wives. Before I knew what was happening, the church I attended was suddenly burnt to dust. Some people said it was an accident, but I know what happened to it.

Since then, no church in my area allows me into its building to prevent the accident that happened to the first church. Despite the opposition from my family, I feel am doing the right thing, but the frustration is just too much for me now.

My father plans to take me to the village very soon, a place I will have no Christian friends and my movement restricted.

I attend the polytechnic in my state and my father has told me I risk losing my education if I continue my madness. The only person I missed is my friend who stood by me despite all odds. He was posted out of the state after he was attacked by people said to be “area boys”, but I know who sent them.

Please I don’t have friends who are Christians and right now, I am willing to forgo my education and follow the dictates of my heart, but I need encouragement and advice from people who are Christians who are our there. This is why I want you to help publish my mobile 08057852877 because the people who are around me are discouraging me. All I want is support to prove them wrong and keep firm in my new faith.

Abdul.

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Dear Abdul,

Nothing good ever comes easy and change is never easy to bring about especially when it involves conversion from known religion to the other.

Your parents’ reaction is normal because they don’t understand why you are leaving a familiar tradition for a new one. They don’t feel what you feel inside; besides, they have a dream and heritage, one you are expected to fit into or inherit from them.

Being the only son out of 26 children, your father’s expectation is very high. You represent his tradition, life as well as the heritage of a long line of ancestors. This is why he is prepared to do anything to make sure you don’t destroy something he had preserved, holding in trust for his forefathers.

Unfortunately, when it comes to the ways of God, we are nothing but clay in His hands. He is an unquestionable God, who doesn’t need our support or contribution to do what He pleases.

He has chosen you to follow Him and frankly, there is little you can do to prevent the tide from going the way He pleases.

Since He called you out of the family, He knows about all the situations you are going through and has other plans for you. At this critical stage, what you need to do first is to discover the awesomeness of the God who called you. It is Him you should turn to the most. It is the only way you can be exposed to His presence as well as prepare you for the challenges of overcoming the antagonism of your family.

While it is good to have others around you to help you grow in your new religion, there is no alternative to hearing Him guide you Himself on what you must do and how to go about it. You must know the reason He called you out of your house to be able to defend Him always. Without you creating the room for this personal experience, you may never get to Him the personal way every child knows his or her father.

It is only when you know His voice that you can recognise it and follow His instruction without questions.

Learn how to talk to Him by praying to Him to show you how to handle your family as well as demonstrate His presence in your life.

In this journey, you are going to be maligned, disowned by people who are your friends, everything may turn upside down but know that God is leading you to new things, removing your old garments and replacing them with newer ones, changing your destiny from what you thought it was to something He planned for you even before you were born, is all you need to stay focused.

Whatever your parents do, it is essential you don’t hold anything against them because the God you now serve is one who is forgiving and accommodating. You must learn to handover every thing, issue, thoughts to God to triumph in your new journey of faith.

Don’t take any decision on your own. Learn to be properly guided by the Holy Spirit whose ministry is to lead us in the right direction. The issue of you discontinuing your education or not, should be left in the hands of God. At the right time, He will show you how to progress but before then, pray in your heart every moment you have. It is the one place your family cannot go into to disturb, attack or burn.

As for having friend to share the fellowship with, it is necessary and I am sure a lot of Christians who read this piece will get in touch with you.

Don’t worry, God will navigate a path out of your problems for you because He never begins a thing He has no intention of finishing. For some of us, our call is easier than others depending on the role He has in mind for you.

Good luck.

I Don’t Want To Marry The Mother Of My Child

Dear Agatha,

I need advice. I am 34 and my woman is 23. We both have a child, a one-year-old baby girl between us. We are yet to marry officially.

Despite having a child together, I am scared of having any permanent arrangement with her. From her attitude, stubbornness, quarrelsome and fighting habits, I am thinking of looking for another woman to marry because I won’t be able to cope with her general attitude. Her attitude is making me reconsider whatever plans we had together.

Because of the child between us, I am faced with the choice of marrying another girl or managing her irrespective of her character. My parents all support my marrying her for the sake of justice.

Luk.

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Dear Luk,

Granted, marriage is a product of sentiments and emotions but when it comes to its execution and sustainability, it pays from the beginning to be realistic about one’s goals as well as workability of the relationship.

Although the child between the two of you should ordinarily qualify her for the position of being your wife, but knowing the various components that make up the framework of marriage, it is in the long run overall interest of your union for both of you, particularly you who is having this huge misgivings about marrying her, to consider well.

Being a lifetime commitment, you have every right to worry about the character as well as disposition of the woman you intend living with for the rest of your life. Being the major players in the union, there is no emphasising the need for both of you to have a uniformed focus as well as a certain level of understanding to be able to confront and defeat the inherent challenges of two people coming together under the agreement of marriage.

Like in every partnership, respect is mandatory because without it, chance of the union to make headway is suspect. From this early beginning, both of you must learn about the virtue of mutual respect. Both of you must know what your limitations are as well as outright forbidden areas.

No matter what her background may be, she has to be willing to give it up for the happiness of her marriage.

Aside the issues you mentioned, what other issue are you not comfortable with? Have you at anytime tried to point her at the implications of her attitude on whatever plans she has of marrying you? What is her reaction when you tell her about your displeasure with her quality of behaviour? When did it begin to bother you or notice that she is what you consider anti-social? Was it before or after the birth of your daughter? What were your views of her before the arrival of the baby?

Most importantly, have you bothered to look at her background? Except for some very few, many of us are reflections of what our backgrounds are. Where did you two meet? And before going to bed with her and getting her pregnant, did you bother to investigate her person, background, attitude as well as disposition towards life? Did you simply take her to bed because she was just one woman who caught your fancy?

And what assurances do you have that another woman would be different from her? What mistakes do you think you made in the first place? Did you ever love her, consider her as being part of you? What plans do you have for the child? In your opinion, what kind of marriage do you have in mind? And what do you understand by marriage – a stress-free union or one with plenty of compromises, sacrifices, tolerance and patience? Are you sure these issues you are objecting to in her character would not appear insignificant later in life when the years have mellowed down the rigidity you feel now? Isn’t there a quality about her that you find so irresistible and irreplaceable in another woman; something so strong to help you cope with her not too good side?

These are the issues you must first address as honestly as possible before you make up your mind about another woman or not. Frankly, your perception of marriage is integral to the resolution of the emotional impasse you have found yourself in.

Because the life and future of an innocent child is involved, be truthful that what you complain about her are real issues you simply cannot cope with either now or in the future.

Bear in mind that as a person, we all come with factory defects; there are some habits you have which are simply unacceptable but which she is learning to cope with because of love.

At this point, please call her to discuss the future with her. Having a child together means you cannot afford to treat her like you would treat any other woman or consign her to history forever. The child between you means whether you both like it or not, you would always have occasion to speak or come together in a social gathering.

To avoid permanent enmity between the two of you, the talk should be honest and very extensive. It is also important both of you come to a consensus on the final decision to prevent the child suffering from the results of the emotional war such a situation normally generates.

If convinced that you cannot cope with her, it is best you take the decision now to free her from the double burden of being a mother and a divorcee? It is also important at this stage to think of the welfare of the child who must not suffer lack of care, affection and attention.

It is also important that every member of your family is carried along because you need their cooperation in the care of the baby whether the child stays with her mother or you.

When all issues are brought to the open and jointly agreed on, it forecloses any room for suspicion or rumours.

Importantly, please pray about this and listen to God’s word on the matter.

Good luck.

Should He Change His Religion?

Dear Agatha,

Please help me. I met him online. We love each other a lot. It is just that he is Muslim and I’m a Christian. He lives in Sri-Lanka, while I live in Nigeria. What do we do? His parents support us, but I know my parents won’t.

He wants to come over in six months time for our engagement, but I am confused. Should I tell him to change his religion?

G. Girl.

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Dear G. Girl,

You knew all about his religion before falling in love with him, so why are you now bothered about it? Or is it that you are not sure about what you feel for this man?

Asking him to change his religion is very unrealistic and certainly doesn’t offer any meaningful solution to your religious differences. It would only serve to deceive your parents who at the end would be hurt when they discover what you have done in your desperation to marry the man you say you have fallen in love with.

Instead of trying to deceive your parents and yourself in the process, take time out to ask yourself why you are in this relationship, what you find most interesting and essential in this man?

Deep in your heart, do you think you love him unconditionally enough to let go of everything that is familiar and proud to advertise this love? Your fear about confronting your parents with his religion as well as your willingness to make him tell a lie should sound as an alarm to you. If anything at all it shows your feelings need to be subject to further scrutiny to avoid preventable mistakes in your life. Marriage is a lot more serious than you are making it out to be. For any marriage to work, it requires plenty of honesty, tolerance as well as immeasurable sacrifices.

Besides, what do you know about him, his culture, his people and their way of life? Have you seen him, interacted with him to know for sure he is the right man for you?

Your parents’ opposition may not come from your religious differences as such, but from all the other considerations that make a marriage succeed.

The first thing for you now is to ask him to come, not to pay your bride price, but to give both of you a fair chance of sizing up your acceptability of each other.

What you have of each other is an Internet image, which could just be a puff of cloud. No viable marriage can be built on idealism; it needs plenty of bitter doses of reality to make it work.

So, get your priority right before taking that essential step. If the feeling is real and right, both of you would cross this very bridge when you get there.

Good luck.

He Promises Paradise, Friend Blackmails Me

Dear Agatha,

There is no better person I would like to share this problem with. My boyfriend’s love for me used to be unconditional until I was blackmailed by friend. Since then he has found it difficult to believe I am not after his money. I get less or no attention from him since then.

We started dating last year December. From the very first moments we met, he did everything to tell me true love exists. He taught me the meaning of true love. He has actually proposed marriage to me and told me to leave whosoever I was dating, because he meant every word about wanting me permanently in his life.

In turn, I told him my story and how my father is striving to take care of us. In January, he went back to his base, but kept in touch by his frequent phone calls. He seems to be on the phone every minute and never deprived me of anything I asked for.

To my pains, I later discovered he has a wife and child. When I confronted him, he didn’t deny it, but explained that he only married the white lady to make his stay in America permanent. He begged me not to leave him on account of his marital status, because he cannot afford to let me go. This was until my friend blackmailed me.

From that point he changed. In addition to reducing the frequency of his communication with me, he stopped sending me money. All these started about the nine months ago. Because of the promised I made to him, I haven’t allowed any man close to me despite not being sure he is still interested in marrying me. Besides, with the experiences I am having with him, I am not so sure I can cope with long distant relationship. Again, I can’t marry a man who already has a wife.

The thing now is that I am finding it very difficult to fall in love with another man. February was the last time he sent me money. It doesn’t really bother me because I am not after his money. I truly love him and hoping he will one day change to the loving man I fell in love with.

But I am beginning to run out of patience, because I am a young lady who desires a serious man in her life. Agatha what can I do since I am fed up, hoping he would change as well as striving to get little things a boy should ordinarily provide for his girlfriend. I am tired.

Dejected Girl.

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Dear Dejected Girl,

Do you know what you want at all? Perhaps you should start by being honest with yourself. On one hand you said you are not keen on marrying a married man, but here you are still hoping this man (married with a wife and child) would come back to you? Isn’t this a contradiction?

Besides, what did you do to make your friend blackmail you? Surely you must have done something to warrant this friend blackmailing you, because blackmail happens when there is something to hide? What did you do? And what sort of blackmail did your friend execute to make him believe you are after his money? The question is are you really in love with him? Or say you are because of the peaks that come from dating a man who lives in America. What did you tell your friend about your feelings for him or impression you gave to make the friend able to convince the man that you might be interested in his money only?

Frankly, from your story, you may not be able to convince anyone that your interest in this man isn’t the money you get from him. For instance, why are you still hoping a man who is married would come back to you? To do what? To marry you when you claim you cannot marry a man who is already married? If this were true, then you should have since moved on with your life, because he belongs to another woman with whom he already has a child.

Even if you agreed to marry him before you found out he has a wife and child, your discovery automatically frees you from any commitment you have made in ignorance to him. So, what are you waiting for? What is preventing you from accepting to date other men if your interest has nothing to do with the money he was sending you before your friend fibbed on you? Isn’t it obvious from his attitude that he has lost interest in you? Or is it you are hoping he would come back home in December to give you the opportunity of presenting your case?

Has it also occurred to you that a man who finds it easy to cheat on a wife can do so easily with another woman without thinking much of it? In that woman’s shoes how would you feel? A man who exhibits no qualms telling you he married a woman because of the advantage he hopes to get from such a union cannot be trusted to invest his interest too much in any relationship or woman.

One thing you must never forget is that as long as his bread is being buttered by his marriage to that woman, you will never feature prominently in his life, because he risks losing too much from advertising his relationship with another woman.

Unless you are willing to tell yourself the truth concerning your interest in life and what you hope to achieve by waiting for this man, you may never be able to get out a clear picture of where you should go in life.

In the first instance, what do you know about this man? Would you have on such a short time of meeting him, agree to marry him if he weren’t lavishing money and gifts on you? What are your moral values in life? Despite your said position about not wanting to marry a married man would you jettison that if he comes back to you?

There is no better time for you than now to re-order your priority to prevent more disappointments in future. There are various reasons people go into relationship. Whatever your reason may be, learn to be very honest about it and stop being pretentious, because ultimately it is what you want from life that would work for you.

I can give you the best advice here, but if you are not honest about what you want from life, it won’t work. So, first of all clear the fog you have generated in your life by learning to tell the truth, at least to yourself. It is only after that you will have the clear vision to look ahead and take to corrections.

Begin by praying that God helps you to see and appreciate the essence of telling yourself the truth.

Good luck.

I’m Uncertain He’ll Return To Hook Me

Dear Agatha,

There is this man in my life I have dated for almost two years now. I love him so much and I know he loves me too. My problem now is that he has travelled abroad, and I don’t know whether I should wait for him, though he told me to.

My fear is that he didn’t say he is going to marry me, and I don’t know whether he will still come back for me. To tell the truth, I am afraid of losing him.

Worried Lover.

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Dear Worried Lover,

If this man is yours, he would come back to you, irrespective of the different experiences you are both going through.

I know a lot of things can go wrong with love when the couple stays apart, but nothing is impossible when one submits to God.

Even though there was nothing concrete between the two of you before he left, your two years of being together has given you some rights to ask clear questions from him.

Rather than worry about what you should do, why not call him to ask what his plans are for you? Don’t be ashamed to ask, because it is your life that is at stake. It is best your decisions are based on solid grounds rather than on mere imagination.

In asking, make it clear that you are asking not to force him into making any promises to you, but to help you decide on what your next actions should be. Since it would be pointless to wait for him when he has no intentions to take the relationship beyond the level both of you were before he travelled.

Listening to him would inform you on what decision to make. Whatever decisions you both come up with, learn to trust and have faith in God to help you cope.

Good luck.

He Wants Me Without Wedding, Bride-price

Dear Agatha,

I must congratulate you for the way you have been tackling problems. I pray for more wisdom for you.

I am 26 years of age. I have a fiancé, who though has come for consultations with my parents, but yet to formalise any marriage rites, both traditional and white wedding with me.

He wants me to move in with him. My parents insist he does everything he is expected to do on me before I go to live with him.

My fiancé isn’t happy at the position of my parents and I am so confused.

Please advise me on what do I do.

Confused Girl.

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Dear Confused Girl,

I wonder why you are confused about the position of your parents. Without your parents insisting he does the right thing, shouldn’t you feel insulted that he is asking you to come and live with him while he makes up his mind on whether to marry you or not? Besides, what right does he have to be unhappy with the position of your parents? As a matter of fact, he should cover his face in shame for making such a proposal to you. If he has any respect for your parents, he wouldn’t come with such a proposal.

From your reactions, it is obvious you haven’t done enough to project yourself to this man as a young lady schooled in proper morals whose parents invested time into pointing her at the right direction. If you did, he won’t have the courage to ask you to pack in with him. For him to have said that means you must have given him the impression that you are beyond control, and that you can do whatever you like irrespective of what your parents feel. This is why he is angry at the turn of events.

What will it cost him to pay your bride price? If he feels he is able to cope with a woman under his roof, he should be prepared to meet the responsibilities that go with living with a woman under his roof.

Don’t cheapen your values or bride price by opposing the position of your parents, because only those who know the value of kola-nuts cover it up with leaves. If this man appreciates your essence and importance to him in life, he would never have suggested you come to live with him first before he does anything on you.

Marriage isn’t contracted on credit. Coming to your parents for consultation isn’t the same thing as performing all the marital rites on you. Going to stay with him is a risk because if marriage can go bad, what assurances do you have that he won’t, after a while, get tired of you and pack up the entire process of you two coming together? Where would that leave you?

If you are that valuable to him, he would do everything within his power to ensure he covers your shame of coming to live with him without him paying a dime on you.

Now think, of what use would it be for him to come and pay your bride price since he already has the privilege of your presence in his bed and house? Since he can have the advantage of you free of charge in his life without the legal encumbrance of marriage, do you think he would be in a hurry to do it when he can call it quits at anytime without thinking of the moral and religious pressures connected to divorce?

There is always a flip side to every issue. You may feel so much in love with him and he with you now, but take the time out to think of that tomorrow when the stress of living together gets to you both, and your so perfect mien becomes imperfect. Do you think this man has what it takes to make you a good husband?

Rather than waste precious time on the refusal of your parents to allow you move in with him, why not concentrate more efforts at researching him; investigating his person, attitude as well as general perception of life?

These are more important things to you rather than the issue of you going to live with him. What both of you fail to understand is that what you hope to do now, living with each other, are the things that ever go away in a relationship; the unlimited sex life you hope to achieve by coming to live with each other is one thing you will end up doing until you are tired of it.

But for it to come out right, as a blessing rather than a duty, it is important you give your relationship the right foundation else you will never be happy in the long run.

To better appreciate your parents’ point of view, take a trip into the future, how would you feel if your daughter comes to you that she intends packing in with a man who hasn’t paid her bride price?

Stop acting the confused girl; insist you aren’t prepared to disobey your parents by coming to live with him. That marriage, to you and your family, isn’t meant to be test ran. Make it clear that he is prepared to go into marriage once and for all.

Good luck.

The Prophecy That Turns My Romance Around

Dear Agatha,

My sincere prayer for you is that God will give you long life, good health, and unexpected favours. I mean God will surely bless you.

I am a regular reader of your column and I am always encouraged and blessed whenever I read you.

I just quit a relationship of three and half years, I truly love this guy and he also says he loves me, but the problem we had was defining the relationship.

We were so deep in love that we were the envy of others. When the relationship was a year old, I called him to inquire where the relationship was heading. He told me God is the one that will determine because his main concern was growing his business to make it easy for him to provide for a family. The reason being that he wouldn’t want his wife and children to suffer. I saw reasons with him and let the matter rest.

A year later when I saw things were going on fine with him, I brought up the issue again, he told me he has not gotten any vision concerning marriage from God and besides he doesn’t want to promise any lady until he is ready, this time I wasn’t comfortable with his answer, all I did was to hand over everything to God. I was patient until the third week of August this year, when I went for a vigil in a youth fellowship; the guest speaker was a Prophet of God. In that vigil, the Prophet came to tell me that I am a ‘hidden treasure,’ that I am a treasure but hidden. He also said that he saw a veil on me and that in 14 months time I will get married, later he said I should see him after the programme. Some other youths present in the programme were also prophesied on.

After the programme, I went to see him; he told me many things about myself, and also said I should be very careful. He asked if am in a relationship, I said yes. He said the guy in question is not my husband and that he is a stumbling block to my real husband. He told me what he meant by me being a hidden treasure, so he encouraged and advised me.

When I went home I asked God to help me, because I was so confused, I didn’t know what to do. I invited this guy to discuss the prophecy, I told him what the prophet said. But I did not tell him that he said he was a stumbling block so that he will not misunderstand me. His response was to ask if we should quit the relationship, but later said I should not worry that God is in control. Though deep within me I was not comfortable.

Two weeks ago, I called him to discuss the issue as well as express my disappointment with his response to my questions. Thereafter, I asked if he would be ready to marry me in 14 months time. This time he told me everything in his mind, he said he has not even started praying for marriage and that he doesn’t want to make the mistake his father made by marrying the wrong woman who made him to marry two more wives. He said he has not gotten any vision for marriage yet.

At that point, I told him we should quit the relationship, but he protested, insisting I should tell him if there is another person in my life. I told him not to misunderstand me and that it is over between us. It was not easy, but I have to let go, since then he has been calling me and asking about my welfare.

I want you to tell me if I did the right thing. I want you to also correct me wherever I went wrong. I want to start a new life and I don’t want to make any mistake. I am 24, he is 32 from a catholic background, while I am of Pentecostal.

Chichi.

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Dear Chichi,

In life there is a fixed time and season for every thing. No matter how much we desire a particular thing, there is no fast-forwarding the process unless God permits it. Those who have at one time or the other tried to play God end up with more disappointments than they began with.

You appear to be in a haste to marry so much so, you haven’t taken out time to study the nature of the man or think properly about the qualities that you want in a man. You are putting the cart before the horse. In the first place, at 24, you don’t have any reason to appear so desperate so why are you? Frankly your level of desperation is frightening and could make a young man wonder at your hurry. Perhaps this is what the pastor means by the stumbling block. You could be a stumbling block to yourself through your behavior and enough patience to allow things flow in the time God has ordained.

Granted this man may have his own problems but your attitude is capable of making very afraid of your motive as well as appreciation of his own ideas about life. He appears to be a man who likes taking his time planning his life while you appear as someone who is concerned about the immediate before planning.

If he is hesitant, it is because he is afraid at your apparent desperation to marry. As one requesting for marriage, what are your visions of it? What do you know about the institution? How prepared are you for the challenges ahead. It is one thing to desire marriage; it is another thing to have the knowledge of what it takes to succeed.

You can only recognize the right man for you only if you have a very clear vision of what you want from life, especially when it comes to the issue of marriage.

Before you end up making the worst kind of mistake of your life, there is the need for you to take some time off to ask yourself some relevant questions concerning your future else even when the right man comes, you may end up driving him away with your act of desperation.

As for what the pastor said, there is the need for you to pray and depend on what God wants for you. If this man weren’t yours, he would go even if he makes up his mind that you are the right woman for me.

Marriage is a blessing from God hence, ensure you involve Him in all your plans.

Good luck.

Re: Should I Quit Or Succumb To His Bid To Deflower Me

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Four Years After Sex-free Affair, He’s Tired Waiting After Sex-free Affair, He’s Tired Waiting

Dear Agatha,

My relationship is four years of age. And being born-again, we have never made love, but to my surprise he wants to reverse that now, insisting we sleep with each other. Although I have resisted him so far, but for how long, since we are very much into each other? I am really confused on how to handle the matter especially as we are also business partner?

Confused Lady.

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Dear Confused Lady,

There is the need for both of you to sit down and discuss the new development as matured adults. At the meeting both of you should discuss this development with as much honesty as possible. Every relationship needs a period of growth. The issues of four years ago are obviously no longer relevant to him, hence the need for you both to table all outstanding matters for resolution. He may think having stayed with you for four years entitles him to your trust, have dispelled the fears you nursed about him four years ago, and that the long period has given him the right to ask for sex.

Sincerely, you cannot condemn him for that, because he has a right to ask just as you have a right to say no. But the onus is now on you to educate him on why you must insist on maintaining the status quo until your wedding night. Tell him, as nicely as you can, that it isn’t a matter of not trusting him sufficiently, but that of being faithful to the God you both profess. If you are both born-again and swore from the beginning that your relationship would be devoid of sex until you are both married, it would be wrong to go back on it now. Just as it is easy to go back on the promise you both made to the God you serve, so would it be extremely easy for either of you to go back on whatever promises you make to each other.

Four years isn’t four days, hence you must be careful on the type of words you use to convey your message to him. Frankly, the results you get would depend on the maturity you apply to this issue. Simply saying ‘No’ doesn’t address the issue of his desires for you or make sense to a man who wants to make love. If you fail to be very diplomatic and refuse to coax him with the right words, he would feel you are very insensitive and selfish on account of you not providing him with enough reasons to keep things as they currently are. But when you present your case as a woman who understands because you also have blood flowing in your veins; know precisely the pains of denying yourself what is natural, he would listen and accept since he knows you too desire him, but just want things done the right way. In defending your earlier agreement, you must learn to show sympathy for his feelings and desire. It is the only way you can get him to listen to you on this matter. Being angry, rude, or refusal to understand the legitimacy of his desire cannot win this kind of challenge. By first acknowledging that his desire is normal and not out of place, you immediately succeed in easing him up to listen to what you have to say. Often than not anger and fight come when the woman in question remains obstinate as well as refusing to appreciate the sacrifices involved in a man’s self-denial.

A lot would depend on how fair you appear to him on this subject. First appreciate the sacrifice he has made to you before pleading for more time. But if he insists it is either his way or nothing, then you may have no choice but to let go because it would mean your four years have been spent pursuing different ideologies. If you two have been able to grow the relationship on the right foundation, this issue can be resolved without you compromising your beliefs or forfeiting the relationship. What you require is wisdom and prayers.

As for the business you have together, the way you two are able to resolve your personal problem would tell how far you go as business partners.

Good luck

Re: Biblical Injunction: How My Wife Is Married Off To Suit Restitution

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I Suspect My Sister-in-law’s Loyalty

Dear Agatha,

I am very depressed and worried about a development in my uncle’s home. I really do not want to end their marriage, but at the same time my conscience is killing me. My uncle loves his wife so much, yet she is not reciprocating it. I have been seeing so many incriminating texts on her phone. I admit I do not have any right or whatsoever to check her phone, but I had to do it because I came back one day and heard her talking to someone on phone, I was sure wasn’t her husband. Afterwards, I checked her phone and saw so many incriminating texts.

Here is a sample of the text from the mysterious man My baby, how is the entire body system with the pains, hope it has gone down? Make sure you cover well. Have you managed to eat? Make sure you eat. Bye, I love you.

Worried Girl.

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Dear Worried Girl,

Whatever your reasons are, you don’t have any right to go through your uncle’s wife’s phone. It was wrong, rude and very disrespectful. Besides, it presents you as one out to cause trouble in the house because she can easily claim those messages were sent by you from another number to her phone to present her in a bad light.

She could conveniently use the fact of you going through her phone to buttress her point that you have the agenda of destroying her marriage. If she says this, it would be difficult for you to prove your innocence especially as she would have altered the other person to remove his sim card to make it difficult for it to be traced. So be careful what you tell your uncle else it won’t just be his home that will be affected but the entire family will suffer the consequences of you telling your uncle about his wife’s extramarital affairs.

Besides, she can easily delete the so-called evidences of the text messages you think you have. If she does this, you still end up being labelled one who is out to destroy the home of another woman. But on your own, you can confront her without your uncle knowing anything about it. By telling her that you are aware of her extra-marital affair, the secret phone calls when she thinks nobody is listening to her as well as her general attitude towards your uncle gives you reason to suspect her of cheating on your uncle.

This should be a woman-to-woman thing. If she threatens to blackmail you, tell her you have enough evidences to prove that she is having extra-martial affair. Call her bluff that you have the name of the man as well as the venue of their secret meeting. If you are convincing in your act, she might just believe you. Tell her that you won’t turn over the evidences to your uncle if she ends the affair. You can also phone the person who has the number to plead with him to allow your sister-in-law be. Threaten to inform your uncle about it if he doesn’t stop what he is doing with your aunty. The call will serve to inform your aunty that indeed you have all the information you claim to have and would either make her stop or end the marriage honourably if she can’t do without the other man in her life.

Sometimes what appears to be so right may end up being so bad at the end of the day. Marriage is a deep and mysterious partnership between two people, one that defies understanding most of the time to spectators of the marriage. You may be surprised that your uncle may have his suspicions but ready to continue to give her the benefit of doubt as a result of his love for her. If you can go through her phone, your uncle too may have seen all those incriminating text messages but pretend not to for the sake of peace in his life. He could just be waiting for someone to hold as telling him his wife is having an affair. You may not understand it but marriage is a secret pact between a man and woman, so be careful you don’t end up the victim of something the mystery of which you know nothing of. Besides, have you thought of the consequences of telling him the truth about his wife’s disloyalty? What if his hearts gives way or ends up with a terminal heart condition as a result of the news you are about to give him?

Besides, how would you feel if you are being fingered as the harbinger of a news item that broke your uncle’s home and life? This is one instance where silence is golden, where you have to apply wisdom as well as trust God to intervene. I appreciate your sense of injustice and anger but like I said, marriage is a complex thing that nobody outside it can categorically predict its direction. There are so many strange issues happening in most marriages capable of making outsiders recoil in anger but ones the couples involved are willing to put up with because of the bond of matrimony. The strength of the bond determines the solidity of a marriage’s shock absorbers. This is why some women look the other way when they have ample evidences that their husbands are cheating on them as well as some men.

Yes, it is wrong but when one is in love and determined to make it work against all odds, certain things take the back seat. The best you can do now is to vacate the home because the more you are exposed to the fact of her unfaithfulness, the greater the risk of you attempting to tell your uncle. Another thing you can do is to tell your mother or father, the one who is related to your uncle. Being siblings and experienced in matters like this, they would know how to handle the matter without you being the sacrificial lamb.

Above all, pray for your uncle and his marriage because this could really destroy him because not all men are wired to deal with unfaithful wives; some simply never recover from the shock of it.

Good luck.

Re: He Is Having An Affair And Treats Me Shabbily

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I Want A Second Wife

Dear Agatha,

I started recently started reading your column and finding appreciative comments of readers who got help through your counsels. I also know that I will receive solution to my own problem. I am a young man of 41 years of age who got married early in life and have a family living in peace, until God called me to unify the Bible with the Holy Quran as a necessary assignment before the end of the world. I refer everybody to Ephesians 1:9-11

My wife, a member of the Jehovah Witness refused to support me on this journey. I was also a Witness until my new spiritual assignment. Following her stubbornness, God then gave me the permission to take another wife to serve as my partner for His work, explaining that what constitutes sin was 'to divorce one's wife to marry another except on the grounds of adultery; polygamy is not sin rather it was ordained by Him for those who can afford and prevent a lot of souls from going to hell. Again, I refer readers to Mathew 19. There Jesus didn’t prohibit polygamy but stressed the permanent nature of marriage. Since my wife is faithful to me, I have no reason to divorce her but could take another to be my partner in the office she has refused to serve.

I have tried to explain my condition to some ladies but they refuse to listen or even enquire from God if what I am saying is true though they claim to be born again. They make jest of me, but some prefer to be my girlfriend rather than become my second wife. Some have abused me, yet I do not want to follow any fleshly desire in choosing another partner. Now; I would like to marry a lady who is willing to submit to the will of God for me and to serve as my partner in God's Work. The woman must be a virgin, under 27 years of age, fair in complexion,of average height and born again of Islam, Christianity, Bahrain, Mormon. from any country. She must also have secondary school education. She must pray and fast to know if she is the one God will choose for me before replying. Must go to this site to understand the nature of my ministry and determine if she can work with me: www.jehovahsservantreligion.blogspot.com

I am waiting responses as God wills. My contact is: capitalgen@yahoo.com

Israel.

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Dear Isreal,

You will definitely agree that no woman in her right sense would accept such proposal from her husband especially if a Christian. There is no way you can convince her or a lot of people that you are not using the name of God to execute a plan you have always nurtured deeply in your mind.

Marriage is one institution very close to the heart of God and one He would never cause confusion in no matter the assignment He has given any of the partners to do for Him. Your story and declaration sounds very queer and a bit hard to chew given the nature of the God we all serve. He is one God that will never do or say anything to cause commotion in the lives of His people. God is not man who lacks the powers to make your wife do as He pleases. He is the potter and her, the clay. If actually He wants you to execute this assignment for Him, no matter how hard hearted your wife is, He knows and has the ability to break her down to support the vision He gave you. God is no man that would ask you to marry another woman because your wife is adamant to give you her support.

He would not ask you to marry another wife but ensure the one you have does what He wants. Remember the case of Joseph who was going to divorce Mary on account of her being pregnant without him having anything to do with its conception? God didn’t allow it to happen. He made Arch. Angel Gabriel to go to Joseph to explain the nature of Mary’s pregnancy and what he, Joseph must do to help God’s plan materialize.

He didn’t give Mary another husband or Joseph another wife. He stepped into the human situation to explain His supremacy over us. If your assignment is from God, your wife too would receive the message and prompting to follow you. Taking on another wife isn’t what you need but to sit back and clear the confusion you have engineered in your life. Perhaps when you married early, you didn’t really have a clear understanding of what the institution demands. At 40 you are probably experiencing some middle age crisis and want some sort of excitement especially those you think you lost out on by marrying early. It is natural to at some point in a marriage to feel trapped and to want to look for an escape route. You may think you are happy but deep down you feel like you are drowning in all the responsibilities marriage brings along with it. Challenges like this are best tackled by going on holiday with your wife; to refresh your marriage by dreaming up new ideas of bringing back some of the excitements you missed out on. There is no way you can do the work of God with two women and sets of children demanding for your time. The confusion would drown whatever it is you say God asked you to do. Without a happy home, there is no way you as a man can function properly.

In all these learn to be true to yourself because that itself is the only way you can succeed and stay in line with what God wants you to be.

Good luck.

I’m Pregnant For My Uncle, Can Abortion Do Any Good?

Dear Agatha,

I came to live with my uncle who was supposed to help me look for a job. He sent his wife away on account of my coming and for the fact that I am very beautiful. The problem lingered for a month before they parted ways.

I didn’t need anybody to tell me she left because of me. When she left, my uncle started buying me cloths as well as other things.

On a particular day, he came to my room and slept with me after which I became pregnant. Now do I go for abortion or keep the pregnancy.

Please help me and don’t forget in your response that this man is my uncle.

Helpless Girl.

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Dear Helpless Girl,

It is too late for regrets because you knew from the very beginning what your uncle’s agenda was and what your reactions to his intentions would be. This, more than your coming, made his wife to pack out of her matrimonial home and not you coming to live with them.

When he sent out his wife on account of you, what did you do? Did you inform your parents about it knowing that it was wrong for him to have sent her away, because you came to stay with them? The truth is you wanted her out of the way so you can have him to yourself.

Besides, since you suspected him to be captivated by your beauty and was likely to take advantage of you without his wife around, why didn’t you at that point go back to your parents?

Frankly, I don’t think you are telling the whole truth. The line about the wife leaving because of you and being intimated by your beauty show that whatever the problem is, didn’t begin when you came to live with them.

There is no way she would pack out of the house on account of you coming to live with them especially as you, his niece, one known to her. Yes, she can object and resent having you in her house as most women are in the habit of doing, but unless there is profound reason, one that threatens her security in the house, she won’t have left.

When your uncle came to your room, would you say you were raped? What efforts did you put up at preventing the situation? Did you report to your parents? Even if you have no money to go back home, did you bother to report the incident via phone to them?

That you are wise enough to suggest having an abortion shows you are not exactly innocent, that you must have had previous experiences, hence do know when a man is interested in sleeping with a woman. It is obvious from your story that he didn’t rape you, you gave him what he wanted, and at that point, you forgot the nature of your relationship with him. Even if the man is shameless, you didn’t behave well.

As for the pregnancy, the decision of what to do lies with you and your so-called uncle. It is a decision you both have to make, but one thing is clear, it is in your interest to pack out of that house as soon as possible so that the rightful owner of the house can come back.

Good luck.

Can I Ever Be My Own Tormentor?

Dear Agatha,

Thank you for your wonderful work, God will bless you.

Please I want you to put me through, I want to know if I’m the one causing my delay in marriage or not. I notice that each time a man comes closer to me I will try by all means to be truthful to him most importantly about my age.

Thereafter, I would call often to know how he feels, ignoring whether he calls me or not. And on the occasions I have reasons to ask why he isn’t making the efforts to call me too, it is always the excuse of being too busy or having a problem.

And if I stop calling, the relationship dies. This has become a familiar pattern in all my relationships. One minute I am in good terms with the man and the next another woman takes my place in his life.

Most of the men who treated me this way end up marrying the woman who replaces me in their lives only for them to come back with regret at the choice they made and how they wished they had married me.

Please, Agatha, is my truthfulness the cause of all these problems or am I too hard on men. I have always prayed for God’s intervention in my life.

Worried Lady.

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Dear Worried Lady,

There is a world of difference between being hard on men and telling the truth. In life there is no substitute to telling the truth and anyone who is afraid of the truth is not worth depending on. If telling a man your real age, being very opened with your feelings for them makes the wary of you, then none of these men is worth you, because a person who cannot tolerate the truth from someone cannot be trusted to appreciate the value of truth in his or her own dealings with people.

Therefore your telling them the truth cannot be the real problem with all your relationships, at least, one of them would have appreciated this quality in you.

It is the bit about being hard on them that you should look into. When you say you are hard, in what sense? It is one thing to be very demonstrative about your feelings for these men and another thing for you to accord them the required respect that goes with their gender. There is no man, either young or old, that would tolerate insolence or rudeness from the woman he is interested in marrying.

Between the times of falling in love, getting married and staying married a lot of issues come in between. It isn’t the falling in love that is the problem, but being able to sustain the initial feelings that brought a couple together.

In your case, you don’t have the problem of not having suitors, but that of sustaining their interests in you sufficiently enough to marry you.

When this type of problem become recurrent, it could mean one of two things, that you are either a bad manager of your life or has spiritual problems determined to maim your life.

The first place to begin is to ask yourself what you are doing wrong in your relationship to bring about all these disappointments. Can you detect any similarities in the excuses of these men as well as the quality of the relationship you are having with them? What seems to run through all these relationship? Is there a consensus of opinion from these men about you? If yes, what is the commonest, and do you think they are justified in their conclusions about your person?

This isn’t a question you jump into answering. It would be best you take a considerable time to answer it and the only way you can do yourself some justice is to try to look at yourself from the eyes of all these men you have dated one time or the other and your other relationships with others.

Also get your friends, trusted ones, who can look at you straight in the eyes and tell you what they think and feel about you. Ask family members, especially your parents and siblings to grade you.

Their appraisal of you would go a long way in helping you appreciate the views of all these men as well as aid you in making the right decision concerning reforming your lifestyle and character.

It would be of tremendous help if you refuse to be offended to benefit from their honest assessment of your person.

However, if all indices point to no abnormality in your behaviour, then look at your family history especially as it has to do with women and their relationships with men. How many women in your family before you or are currently having the same problem as you are having?

What average age did those who are currently married walked down the altar? Ask your mother she would come up with useful information that will point you at the right directions to go.

Whatever the nature of the problem, the best solution to life challenges is prayer. Learn to pray, depend on God for His wisdom and guidance. There is no situation God cannot change for the better, provided you have faith in His words and name.

It always pays to listen to His voice of reason and caution in everything we do.

Good luck.

Re: I’m Finished, My Son Impregnates My Daughter

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She Mounts Malice Over Her Lover’s Zeal For Me

Dear Agatha,

Please I want to use this opportunity to tell you that I like the way you handle issues and solve other people’s problem. I pray for God’s strength and blessings for you.

I have this problem currently disturbing me. It has to do with a colleague in the office I share sitting space with. This has naturally made us close to the extent that we share intimate information about our lives.

Our closeness also made me close to her boyfriend who comes to the office regularly. I was surprise however when he called me on my phone, on the night my friend told me she was going to his house to spend the night, to chat me up. In the first instance, I can’t remember giving him my number, hence the surprise at how he got my number which soon cleared out as he got it from my friend’s phone.

He told me he has started falling in love with me and when I asked him about his girlfriend and how he proposes to go about it, he told me not to worry about my colleague that she was a big girl.

The next day in the office, I could not hold back on what her boyfriend did. So, I called my friend to warn her to be very careful, explaining what her boyfriend told me. My concern was for her not to get hurt.

At the end of the day, I observed that she and the man were no longer dating. I also noticed she became very cold towards me, but what shocked me the most was her telling me to go ahead and date the man if I so desire. After that she kept her distance from me.

So worried am I about the whole episode that I told other people about it. They said she would one day get over it and we would become friends again.

Agatha, I am so worried, I want you to help me because I don’t know how to keep malice with someone.

Olivia.

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Dear Olivia,

The mistake you made was to have divulged such information to someone who is just an office friend. That you share intimate secrets on account of your sitting arrangement doesn’t make both of you that kind of friends. A friendship must be well founded on trust and confidence to be able to withstand the kind of information you gave her concerning the suitability of her boyfriend.

Yes, you meant well and did what a good friend should ordinarily do, but when it comes to matters as sensitive as this, not everybody has the maturity to handle it.

What this has simply shown is that beyond the office friendship you have, both of you lack the bridge of understanding a friendship needs to withstand storms. Friendship goes beyond sharing intimate information. It is loyalty, selflessness and trust. On your part, you have actually succeeded in building loyalty, but she is yet to move away from seeing you just as an office friend.

But as a friend, you must understand her reactions come from hurt for the embarrassment caused her by a boyfriend she probably thought was the ideal man until this ugly incident.

Your coming to her to give her that type of information threw up many questions in her hearts. The first is how did he get your number and for how long have both of you been communicating without her knowledge of it? Another point that would be agitating her mind now is when it all started, precisely when you two got to the stage of him falling in love with you. Because she doesn’t know you enough, she can’t trust your motive for telling her hence her reactions to you.

For now, let her be, don’t force her to be your friend or join her in the malice game either. Her reactions may not be against you directly, but at the betrayal of a man she obviously loved and trusted.

If you cannot cope without talking to your office neighbour, ask someone to change places with you. And if that is impossible without you getting the approval of your boss, confide in your boss your predicament and why you would appreciate getting another sitting space.

This way the tension of seeing her everyday and not being able to share confidential notes like you once did would resolved to enable you concentrate more on your work.

I agree that overtime, when her pains, anger and disappointment are over, she would come to appreciate what you did for her. But until then, try to avoid her.

Good luck.

Four Men At My Skirt, Three Seek Sex As Collateral

Dear Agatha,

I am in love with four men. Three of them are always demanding for sex from me before they can help me.

Please tell me what to do.

Confused Lady.

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Dear Confused Lady,

Do you even understand the ABC of the word love? If you do, there is no way you can say you are concurrently in love with four men. Love is something serious, special and exquisite. It cannot be duplicated on demand. What you feel for these men is lust and greed for what you can get from them, not anything special, hence your ability to invest your emotions in all the four of them with the ease with which you breath.

If they are demanding sex from you before they can assist you, it is because you have also not presented yourself as a woman who is responsible at all. What man would take a woman whose hobby seems to be acquiring men serious? They know what your agenda is, hence they want you to pay in kind before parting with what you demand of them.

You are making the mistake a lot of young girls are making on numbers (of men) as security. The only guarantee to a successful relationship is a heart of sacrifice, which a lot of young girls like you are not willing to do.

It would be so unfortunate if through your own carelessness, you throw away the one man God specially designed for you. No man, who is interested enough in keeping you for a wife, would have the tolerance to stay around you for long going by your current lifestyle.

Whatever your reasons are, it is in your interest to do away with these numbers of men and learn to live within the means of your income. The danger of you continuing in your present lifestyle goes beyond your immediate wants into your far future, the time when you can’t do anything to reverse the consequences of your current trend of living. What do you think would happen if you get pregnant now? What certainty and confidence would you have to name any of these men as being responsible? At any rate do you think any of them would come forward to accept a pregnancy from you knowing there are other men too in your life? You may think none of these men know you aren’t faithful to them, but these are things that never stay under the carpet, because there are always interested eyes and itching mouths to spill the beans.

There is no way any of these men would give you what you want, because as a person you don’t even know what it is you are looking for in a man. In your current state of mind, you would be unable to recognise love if you see one, thereby increasing the danger of you helping to destroy your future.

For you to recognise the agenda of any man who crosses your path, you must first have a clear focus of what you want and the qualities to look out for in them.

If you had, you would not have said yes to four men concurrently in your life.

To help yourself get out of this confusion, please do away with all these men first to enable you reflect properly on precisely what you want from life, have a dream as well as the drive to achieve the dream. Do this first before saying yes to any man. It will resolve the issue of the confusion that drove you into the arms of all these men as well as build up the all-important issue of your dignity.

Importantly learn to pray to prevent the greater calamity of allowing greed to destroy your life.

Good luck.

Lonely Hearts

Dear Agatha,

I am 35 years of age. As a young girl I had many suitors but due to proper guidance, I refused them all. Now at my age I am single. Please I need a caring man in my life. I am a graduate. An interested man can call me on this number, 08054295169. I live in Makurdi.

Worried Lady.

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Dear Agatha,

I am 28 years of age in need of a serious minded lady of 21 years of age. My plan is to end up marrying her.

Any interested lady should call me on this number, 08059422724.

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Dear Agatha,

I’m an undergraduate. I need a female friend between the 20 and 23 years of age for a serious relationship. Interested lady should please call me on this number, 08058392945.

Can She Graduate Without Desecrating Her Virginity?

Dear Agatha,

I commend you for your effort to ease the emotional problems of people. I read the reply you gave to Whitney of Kaduna Polytechnic. I want to disagree with you on what you said about the guy who has been pestering her for sex.

I am presently in that guy’s shoes. My reason is my past experience. I dated a girl whom I loved so much, she was a virgin, and because of the love I had for her I decided to succumb to her wish.

After some time we had a misunderstanding, not over sex. However, the relationship did not continue, but after two years she came back to me and I accepted her back. But to my shock another man has deflowered her, I felt bad about that.

Even though I loved her so much I could not continue with the relationship because I was ashamed of being a man. I want to avoid such happening again. My present girl is a 100 level student in the university. I want to make her my wife.

Can you vouch she'll graduate a virgin? Please, note that not all men who persistently want to make love with their girl mean no harm.

I want to know your view.

Benjamin.

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Dear Benjamin,

A woman remains her own best keeper, and a lot of what she does with her body comes from her own moral values as well as her attitude towards life. Your girlfriend can stay a virgin till she graduates if she is determined to remain one irrespective of the challenges she meets along the way. It is her choice, one only she can make. So what I feel or don’t feel has nothing to do with what she does with her body at the end of the day.

When it comes to relationships and desires, you cannot make a broad statement; you can only speak for yourself. Granted, not every man who makes premarital sex to his woman has an ulterior motive, but you would agree that in the majority of instances, a lot of men see sex as recreation that every woman must be ready to give them on demand.

God never intended sex to be a plaything though designed to give pleasure.

Even though a lot of women seem to have forgotten the moral burden invested by God in them, the fact remains that sex cannot be given by a woman cheaply to a man simply because he is on ego trip to paradise.

Sex comes with responsibilities for the man mostly. It comes sealed with responsibilities and respect to the woman. Before a woman goes on a sex wheel, she should first put in place structures that would protect her from shame should the game produce results like pregnancies, sexually transmitted diseases (STD) and protection of the woman’s dignity at all times.

It isn’t just a matter of getting under the sheets, but that of demonstrating to the woman that she is in safe hands both inside and outside the bedroom.

Some of the issues that go on inside a woman’s mind when sex pressures are put on her is her place in the man’s heart and what she means to the man. A man who truly cares about a woman would not be so demanding preferring to allow the woman be, until she is ready would also consider the stigma that comes from unwanted or unplanned pregnancies as well as the danger she faces at the abortionist table.

These are the considerations that go on in a woman’s mind. Will the man stand by her should the process of enjoyment turns into challenges warranting the feeding of an extra mouth, supportive during the time nature forces her to take a break and care for the child?

Should your girlfriend get pregnant for you before she graduates, do you have the economic power and emotional stability to care for mother and child? A man who has a woman and a child to care for must put what about the material structures that in place.

These are the fears reasonable women consider when the issue of sex comes up.

Relationship is about tremendous sacrifices, endurance, tolerance, respect, loyalty, fear of God and responsibilities. All these and much more must be factored into every sex a man asks a woman for.

Good luck.