Dear Agatha,
I am in severe dilemma over what to do about the development in my home where a church has broken the peace I have enjoyed for 18 years in my home.
I married this woman as a second wife under the native laws and customs system 18 years ago and have three children with her. To the best of my knowledge we have had a smooth relationship. She and my first wife are close and even though I am an Anglican, we have managed our affairs quite well.
Our first son is a year two student of one the private universities while our second is warming up to go into the same university this year.
Three years ago, she told me of her desire to change church. I didn’t object since it was a church matter. I actually gave her all the encouragement since her happiness was uppermost in my mind.
Immediately she became a member of the church, Deeper Life, I noticed she changed completely, first were her trinkets and her manner of dressing. In place of the clothes she favoured, she started wearing shapeless clothes and without consulting me, stopped dressing her hair.
Just as I was trying to grapple with these changes, she began to complain about our marriage. She said was a visitor in my life and that she had committed the sin of marrying another woman’s husband.
My first wife had to come into the matter when her complaints were becoming too much. My first wife assured her that having lived with her for 18 years, she was glad at the opportunity of knowing her.
Without any premonition of what was to come, she woke up one day and packed out of my house saying the church said she should. I watched her move out of the house in a trance. To me it was like watching a movie.
She didn’t make attempt at taking the children with her, as she said the church warned against it. Nothing the children, friends and family members said could change her mind. I even went to the church to threaten them but I was told to leave her alone.
Six months later, they forced her to marry a man who is 12 years her junior.
The question I am asking Agatha is whether it is right to take the wife of another man to another man? Is that what the Bible says? What kind of church would be so callous to separate a woman from her children? She says what she has done is restitution. Is it right?
Please help me because I have read the Bible from Genesis to Revelation and I haven’t seen any portion to support what this church has done to me. She remains my wife since I haven’t divorced her and have no wish to.
Olalekan
Dear Olalekan,
There is indeed no aspect of the Bible to support marrying off the wife of another man to another in the name of restitution. This doctrine is strange. At all times, the application of the Bible is based on God given wisdom. Since God isn’t the author of confusion it follows, He would never allow His words be used to cause pains and disappointments in the lives of His own.
Granted that the Bible talks about restitution when one becomes born again, its proper application has remained a subject of controversy. In some churches, this woman would not be encouraged to go into another marriage almost immediately but given the support to help her begin another life in company of her children. At least her nudge towards matrimony will not be this immediate to give her time to adjust to her new way of life.
Therefore, this doctrine can only be the product of this church, not that of God. Even if they are insisting on restitution on account of her presence inflicting emotional pains on your first wife, they have destroyed whatever point they hoped to gain with the stance by arranging a marriage between her and another man irrespective of his age.
In asking her to leave the home and husband of another woman, they should have considered principally the feelings of those innocent children. They are the real issue here. The best the church could have done is to support her to be alone with her children and not commit the legal and moral offence of encouraging her to marry another man while turning her back on those children.
I fail to see the moral ground of this marriage. What sorts of marriage are they hoping the two can have? A marriage where one is coming with 18 years of experience against the other one’s zero experience?
Furthermore, what about the children? Are those children also to be deprived of the love and presence of their mother on the basis of her making the first mistake of marrying another woman’s husband? Should solutions to a mistake and problem ignore reality and objectivity of the situation on ground?
God appoints to us all responsibility for our actions, which means, her responsibility to her children cannot be ignored whatsoever. Marrying her off to another man cannot erase the fact that she has a past, perpetuated by her three children, even if they feel your feelings or presence amount to nothing in all these, while same cannot be said of the products of her union with you.
Without fear or favour, what they have done paints the Christian responsibility to us as superficial and hypocritical.
The church and society owe children a good measure of responsibility, which at all times has first call over all other issues. To have coldly ignored the children in the decision of restitution, amounts clearly to throwing the baby out with the bath water. There is no justifying whatsoever the decision of the leadership of the church to separate a mother from her children.
Frankly, with the way things have turned out, there is nothing you say to this woman now that would make sense to her or change her current feelings towards you. Allow her be and concentrate your energy on those children who by now would be wondering why their mother left them without thoughts.
You must do everything possible to protect them from any psychological problem that might arise from all these as well as whatever negative attitude they may want to develop to the things of God.
Understandably, you have every reason to be bitter, resentful as well as confused but the best approach to things like this, is allowing the will of God prevail at every turn of event. It is a battle beyond you, one only God has the final say, because sometime what we think is right in our eyes may be wrong in His estimation.
Until He speaks on this issue, don’t because of what has happened make you lose faith in God or His ways. However, we, as human beings, try to interpret His thoughts. But we will never succeed at knowing the secret of His ways. That is why He remains God and we Human beings.
The greatest joy you can give to yourself and these children is to ensure they succeed in life. This is what you owe them. Your claim to them remains without dispute. Always remember this at all times to make this period endurable for you.
Good luck.
I am in severe dilemma over what to do about the development in my home where a church has broken the peace I have enjoyed for 18 years in my home.
I married this woman as a second wife under the native laws and customs system 18 years ago and have three children with her. To the best of my knowledge we have had a smooth relationship. She and my first wife are close and even though I am an Anglican, we have managed our affairs quite well.
Our first son is a year two student of one the private universities while our second is warming up to go into the same university this year.
Three years ago, she told me of her desire to change church. I didn’t object since it was a church matter. I actually gave her all the encouragement since her happiness was uppermost in my mind.
Immediately she became a member of the church, Deeper Life, I noticed she changed completely, first were her trinkets and her manner of dressing. In place of the clothes she favoured, she started wearing shapeless clothes and without consulting me, stopped dressing her hair.
Just as I was trying to grapple with these changes, she began to complain about our marriage. She said was a visitor in my life and that she had committed the sin of marrying another woman’s husband.
My first wife had to come into the matter when her complaints were becoming too much. My first wife assured her that having lived with her for 18 years, she was glad at the opportunity of knowing her.
Without any premonition of what was to come, she woke up one day and packed out of my house saying the church said she should. I watched her move out of the house in a trance. To me it was like watching a movie.
She didn’t make attempt at taking the children with her, as she said the church warned against it. Nothing the children, friends and family members said could change her mind. I even went to the church to threaten them but I was told to leave her alone.
Six months later, they forced her to marry a man who is 12 years her junior.
The question I am asking Agatha is whether it is right to take the wife of another man to another man? Is that what the Bible says? What kind of church would be so callous to separate a woman from her children? She says what she has done is restitution. Is it right?
Please help me because I have read the Bible from Genesis to Revelation and I haven’t seen any portion to support what this church has done to me. She remains my wife since I haven’t divorced her and have no wish to.
Olalekan
Dear Olalekan,
There is indeed no aspect of the Bible to support marrying off the wife of another man to another in the name of restitution. This doctrine is strange. At all times, the application of the Bible is based on God given wisdom. Since God isn’t the author of confusion it follows, He would never allow His words be used to cause pains and disappointments in the lives of His own.
Granted that the Bible talks about restitution when one becomes born again, its proper application has remained a subject of controversy. In some churches, this woman would not be encouraged to go into another marriage almost immediately but given the support to help her begin another life in company of her children. At least her nudge towards matrimony will not be this immediate to give her time to adjust to her new way of life.
Therefore, this doctrine can only be the product of this church, not that of God. Even if they are insisting on restitution on account of her presence inflicting emotional pains on your first wife, they have destroyed whatever point they hoped to gain with the stance by arranging a marriage between her and another man irrespective of his age.
In asking her to leave the home and husband of another woman, they should have considered principally the feelings of those innocent children. They are the real issue here. The best the church could have done is to support her to be alone with her children and not commit the legal and moral offence of encouraging her to marry another man while turning her back on those children.
I fail to see the moral ground of this marriage. What sorts of marriage are they hoping the two can have? A marriage where one is coming with 18 years of experience against the other one’s zero experience?
Furthermore, what about the children? Are those children also to be deprived of the love and presence of their mother on the basis of her making the first mistake of marrying another woman’s husband? Should solutions to a mistake and problem ignore reality and objectivity of the situation on ground?
God appoints to us all responsibility for our actions, which means, her responsibility to her children cannot be ignored whatsoever. Marrying her off to another man cannot erase the fact that she has a past, perpetuated by her three children, even if they feel your feelings or presence amount to nothing in all these, while same cannot be said of the products of her union with you.
Without fear or favour, what they have done paints the Christian responsibility to us as superficial and hypocritical.
The church and society owe children a good measure of responsibility, which at all times has first call over all other issues. To have coldly ignored the children in the decision of restitution, amounts clearly to throwing the baby out with the bath water. There is no justifying whatsoever the decision of the leadership of the church to separate a mother from her children.
Frankly, with the way things have turned out, there is nothing you say to this woman now that would make sense to her or change her current feelings towards you. Allow her be and concentrate your energy on those children who by now would be wondering why their mother left them without thoughts.
You must do everything possible to protect them from any psychological problem that might arise from all these as well as whatever negative attitude they may want to develop to the things of God.
Understandably, you have every reason to be bitter, resentful as well as confused but the best approach to things like this, is allowing the will of God prevail at every turn of event. It is a battle beyond you, one only God has the final say, because sometime what we think is right in our eyes may be wrong in His estimation.
Until He speaks on this issue, don’t because of what has happened make you lose faith in God or His ways. However, we, as human beings, try to interpret His thoughts. But we will never succeed at knowing the secret of His ways. That is why He remains God and we Human beings.
The greatest joy you can give to yourself and these children is to ensure they succeed in life. This is what you owe them. Your claim to them remains without dispute. Always remember this at all times to make this period endurable for you.
Good luck.
Posts
Dear Agatha,
ReplyDeleteReference subject matter published in the online edition of Daily Independent Newspaper of June 29, 2009. It made an interesting reading
and I quite understand the position and feelings of Mr. Olalekan.
However, it seems to me that your response was only based on Mr. Olalekan’s version. I believe your response would have been more
balanced if it had included the position of the church, as I don't believe any church has the right to forcefully marry off a woman to a
man. I honestly believe it's not too late to hear from the church in question or even the woman so as to present a balanced picture to the
reading public. I'm sure some other readers, like me, are interested in hearing the other side of the story, which we trust you can provide
us with.
More grease to your pen.
Efe Ukulu
Warri, Delta State.
Dear Agatha,
ReplyDeleteI read the above captioned piece on your wonderful column, it is a pity, as a deeper life member and a born again Christian it really touched me. The first thing the lady should and must do is to repent fully and stop deceiving herself. Thereafter, she should go back to her former church and confess that load of lies to the marriage committee.
This must be done if she wants God to fully forgive her and give her the right standing to fight the work of Satan in her family. It is called restitution.
This is a Bible doctrine, she lied to people, and she must tell them sorry for that. Although she has gotten herself into a huge mess, but God still loves her so much and still wants to help.
At this stage she really needs to tell herself the truth and come out very clean with God and God’s anointed pastors. They will forgive her and knowing the kind of pastors we have in Deeper Life will be too willing to help her fight off the enemy.
In my point of view concerning this subject matter of Olalekan, He Olelekan have the right to sue the so God churce to court for destroying his peaceful home.
ReplyDeleteMany people in Nigeria have surfered alot openly,secretly and otherwise because of so called churches sake. As for me, were is Mr God while all this problem is happening to many people everyday and evertime.. mostly to those countries or people that pray most like Africa? I am a Nigeria by origine myself and a Canadian. What is happening to us 90percent is due to our reation, thinking, management, beleive and so forth. please we should learn to leave Mr God alone. I have makes many mistakes in my life and as fast I reaslise my part in it, so easy it is for me to learn and move forward by accepting my own responsibility.. what have God got to do with it..? na wah oh 9ja.
Thank you Auntie Agatha for all your help.